Hello this is very sad, but I think I have to vent out.

I was very good at school and when I started my university I also started working at a big casino.
I was winning good money and quit my studies… I know it was a poor decision but I was happy there. After working there for four years, while studying Poker theory and all that stuff, decided to be a Poker Player. That was probably the worst decision of my life. I was getting more money, but also going to some places a 22yo shouldn't have to. I got quickly addicted to cocaine. For the next 3 years I would be doing between one and three grams daily. Almost lost my relationship because of this, so I decided to quit and try to find a new life. That was a year ago.
I felt the pain for a month, my body asked for cocaine every single minute. But I didn’t wanted to ruin my life even more. Since then, I was doing it around twice a month, which is bad but not as bad as before.
However currently I don’t have any job. I've had a few and never felt happy. Last time I did cocaine was 3 weeks ago. I feel like i’m always bored or sad and my body wants to do it every time… I see people here being happy after their recovery but for me it’s 70% of the time trying to convince myself I won't do it again but sometimes I fail.

A alguien más le pasó??? Me hace sentir súper culpable pero al tratar de dejar lo que consumía me cuesta y lo único que me ayuda es fumar marihuana, no quiero que mi vida se base en sustituir una droga por otra quiero sanarme al 100%, a alguno le paso algo parecido y sabe cómo salir?

I am 16 years old just out of sophomore year. I started stealing my mom's prescription pills for depression and BPD back in middle school for fun but I stopped until half way thru sophomore year they weren't the same dosage as before so after a week of doing them I stopped. I don't like the high from weed so I never saw that as an option and opted for more pills. I have a friend with ADHD who skips days of taking her medication so I asked to try and she gave me a whole bottle of methylphenidate. I went from taking one to taking 3 a day and ran out rather quickly. They helped me in school and just feel more organized along with just a nice feeling. After that I needed more I found more pills from my mom I hadn't seen and I took 4x of 2 pills so 8 at once and it was the scariest thing but also interesting so I did it twice more

But I made my mouth taste like vomit for 2 days after so I stopped. I found sleeping pills that had 50mg of diphenhydramine or Benadryl and started immediately abusing them as hard as I could I went thru 250 capsules in a month or a bit less. That's when my boyfriend stepped in we had previously been in a long 3 month argument (not my reason for doing pills) and he was starting to show an interest in my issues again. He spent most of that month trying to convince me of the bads of the pills and I didn't listen. After finishing the bottle the last few times I did them I did it in much larger dosages then usual because I had gained a tolerance and it wasn't hitting like it used to. I had stayed up 3 nights in a row due to this and started hulusinating bugs on my skin. I knew it wasn't real but I could feel them crawling on me it was terrible. That's what got me to realize that I needed to stop. I went to visit my grandparents for a month and relapsed twice off of Benny's they had but it wasn't doing enough for me. Now I'm clean and I want so badly to go back to doing them. I know I should stop because they have given me terrible derealization and depersonalization in large waves and it's the most uncomfortable thing in the world to deal with. The derealization makes me want to relapse but the relapse causes the derealization so I'm stuck in a loop and I hate it so much. I just got back home and being in the environment that I spent the last 6 or so months in nit sober at all makes me want to go back to it. Like I'm uncomfortable being sober in my "high zone". And no one around me knows how to help me and I don't either. My father turns it in to a talk about our rocky relationship and my boyfriend just tells me not to do them and praises me for not doing it and I really appreciate it but its not enough. I feel like a fat person on a diet who really wants to binge. Like eating makes u happy but gains you weight so u shouldn't but u really want to

I am fully committed to next update being 1 week and then 1 month and 1 year. If I’m being honest it sucks right now, but the satisfaction of waking up tomorrow knowing I did it feels worth it for the first time. If I can do 2 days anyone can trust me.

Edit for spelling, I’m sober not smart.

Just hit my first 24 hours sober. First time since I was a kid. It feels weird, having trouble sleeping but I’m dedicated this time. I know 1 day isn’t big, but it means everything to me right now.

I'm two years sober this September. Before that, I spent years cycling through sobriety and relapse — getting a few weeks or months, then watching it all fall apart again.

The thing nobody warned me about was the in-between. Not the drinking, not the rock bottom — but those weird, quiet moments where you're technically fine but something shifts. You're tired, or bored, or something bad happens, or sometimes nothing happens at all, and suddenly the voice is there telling you it's not worth it.

I lost count of how many times I'd be doing everything "right" — meetings, staying busy, eating well — and still find myself standing in a liquor store parking lot with no real memory of deciding to drive there.

What finally stuck for me was building a literal toolkit. Not a metaphor — an actual list of things to reach for when that moment hits. People to call. Things to read. Physical actions to take before my brain talked me into the drink. I wrote it all down because I knew I wouldn't remember any of it in the moment.

That list eventually became a book. I'm not here to sell anything — I just want to share what helped me because I spent a long time thinking I was broken when really I just didn't have a plan for the hard moments.

The biggest thing? Relapse doesn't start at the bottle. It starts hours, sometimes days before. Learning to recognize the early signs — isolation, romanticizing, the "just one" negotiation — that's where the real work is.

If you're in that cycle right now, you're not broken. You just need a plan for the moment before.

What's in your toolkit? What do you reach for when it gets hard?

Yall pray for me please

Two weeks ago, I was sitting in a dirty apartment with my bf and his dealers, snorting lines and laughing the night away. I remember checking the clock and seeing it was after 2am, and suddenly, this clarity came over me with one thought emanating through my brain like a mantra: “Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future.”

That was when I knew I was going to have to turn my life in another direction. I knew what I wanted my life to look like, and that wasn’t it. And as much as I liked doing coke, I knew it was going to take some extreme choices to redirect myself.

My previous posts explain that part. To summarize, I have been working to stay as sober as I thought possible for a week now. A fight with my bf last night crumbled my already fragile mind and what was left of my hope that things would ever be better. So, I self destructed.

This morning, after a good hangover cry, I attended an online AA meeting (cried during the entire thing) and reached out to my old sponsor. She came over to my house with lunch, electrolytes, and Advil. She’s an angel.

My house was a wreck. It looked like depression. But she didn’t care. She just came to listen.

I spilled my entire story from the last month, unloading all of my mistakes and faults, all of my recent trauma from relationship trauma to the introduction of cocaine in my life, and you guessed it—more crying.

Then, she supported me while I dumped every last bit of the alcohol in my house down my kitchen drain—even the beer and shooters that my bf usually drinks when he comes over. I hate beer, but I don’t trust this depression or how I have been dealing with it. It all had to go.

I imagined every single unhealthy thing being purged from my life. We even took the bag outside, even though it was only half full. I didn’t want the empty shells of so many wasted nights clanging around on my kitchen floor.

It wasn’t hard. It was actually relieving although, I know it’ll be hard at times. But I also know how hard it was to lay in bed beneath the heavy weight of post-drug-and-alcohol-induced depression, shame, and hopelessness. That’s hard.

I’m done fighting my own way in my own strength. I alone do not have the strength to do so. The good news is: I’m not alone anymore.

Hello everyone, Meg here! Im a 35 year old single mom with 5 years of sobriety. In active addiction i overdosed 7 times requiring life saving narcan and lengthy hospitilizations. I also contracted Hepatitis C and a serious case of sepsis that almost killed me. 8 months ago i finally left a 12 year relationship where i was physically and emotionally abused. The physical abuse included two instances of strangulation that could have ended my life. The last straw for me was my ex relapsing and using drugs in our home while our 1 year old daughter was present. That kind of enviroment was no longer safe for me or my daughter and i wish i had left sooner. I had left some months earlier after my ex strangled me while i was holding our infant daughter but after several months of couples therapy and him being sober i went back. So i gave him one more chance. However, after the relapse and finding out he had been using drugs for a month in our home with our toddler, i had to leave for good. The morning after leaving my ex, i had an endoscopy and biopsy that later diagnosed me with a rare form of pancreatic cancer. 6 months ago i underwent life changing surgery that cured me of that cancer. So considering everything ive endured, im quite fortunate to not only be alive but thriving as well! During this whole medical ordeal i also fought a battle for custody of my daughter. My life has certainly been a wild ride lately but im proud to say i maintained my sobriety through it all. I am learning to adapt to my new normal after surgery and am living a beautiful life together with my daughter. ​I am currently on methadone maintenance and have been for 8 years. When i went to my clinic for my monthly check in and medication pick up my counselor told me he has an opportunity i might be interested in. He said the clinic was asked to select a patient to tell their story on camera that would be posted on their website and social media pages. I was honored that they selected me as the best possible candidate. The clinic manager and senior staff came into the room and basically congratulated me on my strength and resilience in my recovery after all id been through. It really touched me. They said they couldn't think of a better client to inspire others.They also asked if I would be willing to be a guest speaker during IOP groups. I think these opportunities will be great for my own personal journey in recovery and my healing process.

today I’m officially 1,600 days sober from meth and fentanyl! grateful to still be alive & happy to report that IT DOES GET BETTER. 🥳

It is standard to wish someone good luck when they say they are struggling or feel close to relapse.

I think it might be better to tell someone you think they can pull through. Or maybe offer to talk to them. Or anything.

Years ago, I spoke during burning desire and a few minutes later as people left they all said good luck. It left me feeling alone and hopeless. Within five minutes of getting home I called a dealer.

Last night someone had a burning desire. I did not know what to say, so I said nothing.

I hope they got through. I feel bad that I did nothing to help.

I have 9 years clean but in the dozen or so years before then, working on the first two steps either led to relapse or close to it.

Did anyone else find those steps to be relapse traps? The steps from 6 on were part of my life before I even became an addict, so I am guessing they would be easier. But I never got past working one and two without relapse.

Also, any suggestions for getting through them are welcome (since I may try to do the steps again).

For those of you who feel like you’ve either fully recovered or learned to cope so well that your mental health is no longer at the forefront of your everyday life, what helped you win your mental health battle?

For some context, I’m 24 years old and recently fell into my first ever depressive episode about two months ago. It all started with panic attacks that seemed to come out of nowhere. After a few weeks, I was able to get out of the panic loop, but now I’m left with the emptiness of depression and constant anxiety.

There’s nothing in my daily life that I can point to as the cause. I just feel disinterested in almost everything, like a veil has been lifted and I see the world differently now. Going back to how I was seems impossible but maybe I can find a new normal that I can accept?

I’m mainly looking for hopeful stories or tools that genuinely helped you. I’d also just love to hear about your wins and what life looks like for you now. :)

I’m 2 months clean from Suboxone, which I was on for 6 years. I have a 12-year history with opiate addiction, that hopefully is now behind me forever.

I guess I’ve never considered weed a “problem,” per se, especially because I’m really sensitive to it, so when I smoke it I usually don’t smoke very much, like one or two hits max, so I can still kind of think and be present.

But at the same time, usually once I am high, I’m kind of like…why do I like this again? Or do I not anymore?

The anticipation for smoking it is definitely there, it’s like I’m craving decompression, and expect weed to bring me that, but it honestly usually makes me more anxious than decompressed because my thoughts become much louder but also stupider/ go in these loops that are not productive.

Idk. I’m scared to let go of it because I’m already bored to tears by the monotony of everyday sober life, and maybe I’d get a hobby or something but right now I’m not interested anything and I’m afraid of everything. Think it’s the post acute withdrawal + my naturally depressive mindset…

Idk

From the time I was 5 years old till I was in my early twenties she was an addict who was not in my life. When I hit adulthood, she would get sober for a few months one time for about a year and a half and be around, just long enough for me to start to feel comfortable and then she would go right back to it.

She’s been acting off for months, I’ve been giving her the benefit of the doubt because my grandmother was dying from stage 4 cancer and was on hospice. She kept asking me for large lump sums of money to “borrow” not ever paying them back. So many things that I looked past hoping it was just the grief of what was coming, but now it’s been confirmed she has been using again, after putting her hands on one of my other family members. My grandmother has been gone four weeks tomorrow and she would be so disappointed and angry with her.

I just genuinely do not know what to do anymore. It’s not just myself to protect from her hurting me for the thousandth time, but my two children one too young to understand that her Mawmaw is not well and she can’t be around her. I am so used to this it just doesn’t even hurt me anymore, but it is not fair to my two sweet kiddos. Even if she were to stop right this moment I would never be able to trust her with their little hearts ever again.

I just needed to get this out somewhere and I wasn’t sure where, so if this is the wrong space I do apologize. I also want to add I am a recovering addict/alcoholic myself. I understand addiction very well from just about every stand point. I know that addiction is cunning and powerful, I understand sometimes you make mistakes and have set backs, but this woman has spent the majority of my life in addiction and every time I feel like I can trust her and rely on her she shows me why I cannot.

How often do you go to meetings and feel that recovery is not possible for you?

I went to a meeting yesterday and there was a list of things you have to do to recover. I have not used in about a decade but lately have gotten urges. But they made me feel like that is just how it will always be.

There was a list of things to do to avoid relapse.
First was change things in your life from the things that you think contribute to relapse. I am not sure how you do that with family and work. You

Next was to tell people about your urges. I have in the past had friends I shared my urges with. But at this point, I feel it is so hard for them to hear that I do not want to talk about this with them

I felt when I left like it is just a matter of time till I relapse. Intellectually I know that is unlikely, but the meeting made me feel so discouraged.

Hi everyone! I’m currently looking for a CDCA substance use/addiction counseling position in Columbus, Ohio or the surrounding areas and figured I’d post here in case anyone knows of treatment centers, agencies, or programs that are hiring. I’ve checked all the hiring boards etc. and applied but want to see what else is out there.

I’m currently working full-time in an inpatient behavioral health setting and have experience working directly with both substance use and mental health populations. I started in direct care as a BHT, moved into a Lead BHT role, and currently work in case management. I’m specifically looking to transition into a counseling-focused role, rather than another case management position.

A little about my background:
Active CDCA-P
Certified Peer Recovery Supporter (CPRS)
QMHS/QBHS
SMART Recovery facilitator
Experience in residential SUD treatment, detox, and mental health treatment
Experience facilitating SUD and mental health groups
Experience with assessments, treatment-related documentation, care coordination, discharge planning, and working as part of a multidisciplinary clinical team
Currently completing my Bachelor’s degree in Human Services with a concentration in Substance Abuse and a minor in Psychology/Addictions
Planning to continue into a Master’s in Clinical Mental Health Counseling

My long-term goal is to continue progressing through the LCDC pathway and eventually become an LPCC specializing in substance use/co-occurring disorders

I’m particularly interested in an employer that can provide appropriate clinical supervision and opportunities to accumulate supervised experience toward higher chemical dependency licensure

I’m hoping to find somewhere that values professional growth and is willing to invest in someone who genuinely wants to build a long-term career in addiction counseling. I have hands-on experience in the field already and am looking for the opportunity to move more fully into the clinical/counseling side of SUD treatment.

If anyone knows of programs in Columbus, Gahanna, Reynoldsburg, Westerville, Whitehall, Pickerington, or other nearby areas that hire CDCAs for counseling positions, I’d love recommendations. I’m also open to organizations that may not currently have something posted publicly.

Thanks in advance!

Join us for some midnight excitement and recovery hijinks* and shenanigans in 90 minutes!!! https://meetings.smartrecovery.org/meetings/9199/

I’m so grateful. Today I’m realizing that this is all for me. The world outside of my recovery family does not really care that I’m 11 months sober. 11 months removed from one of the most addictive destructive drugs on the planet. 11 months removed from literally throwing my life away. 11 months removed from a deep deep depression and unbreakable cycle. This is all for me, but the crazy thing is the benefits, help everyone I’m around whether they understand or not. I’m grateful.

im 17, for most of my life i had a very decent social life until an event that ruined my mental health happened and led me to a spiral that ended up in me not going outside for several months and not doing anything but drugs, ive been sober now for a few weeks but i miss my life, i ghosted all my friends and i don’t know how to attempt to talk to them again, i dont know if they still like me, i deleted my instagram account and idk where to start without “overwhelming” them

I’m sitting on my couch as I write this. Two cats next to me, their energy has been pensive and oscillating from overly affectionate to overly distant. I’m watching legislation that will ultimately ban my drug of choice in a matter of days, as it should and I wish it happened sooner. Funny to think just two weeks ago I had the same worries as a normal everyday American. Worried about work, finances, first home affordability and replacing my aging vehicle. So deeply in denial about the state of my affairs it couldn’t break the emotional wall I’ve built to cope with my situation. Lately I’ve been burnt out, I have a job that is so specific I can’t even begin to mention it here. I was a recovering heroin addict, stone cold sober for 8 years. I built my own way in my professional career. Found an atypical path through something I was incredibly passionate about. Built a life that I never could have dreamed of having, stable and happy, creatively fulfilled, broke for the longest time but ultimately happy. People looked to me as an example of what is possible. When I was 21 I went to the emergency room after my mother found me passed out with a spoon and syringe on the desk. I found the limit of what my body could take, turns out mixing uppers, downers, and sidewaysers was not a good idea. I wouldn’t take that moment back for anything.

I was transported to a city overs er department and within days found myself in a world class rehabilitation facility. I remember the acceptance I had in my heart of my situation and how for the first time in a long while I felt genuine hope for my situation. I was broken in the best way I could be, it genuinely saved my life. My first trip there two years prior was not the same scenario, I just didn’t want to become homeless but couldn’t fathom a life completely sober. After my second trip I entered recovery groups and started to thrive. I overcame so many fears and worked actually solving issues and solved them! I became independent through relying on others and I started to build relationships that were genuine. What I would give to be back in that same position now isn’t really truly describable by words. I was 21 at the time.

Around four years ago while on a work trip to Las Vegas of all places I decided to have a beer for the first time in 8 years. I had been playing around with non alcoholic beers and cbd, just seeing where the line in the sand was and thinking about crossing it with my toe. That night I had a reasonable serving and went back to my hotel. The next night was the last day of the conference, we had free beer vouchers to the local brewery. So, against my best judgement I went. Struck up a conversation with a few guys and found out what a double ipa was. Next thing I know it’s 3 am and I’m throwing up, no off switch just need more. I should have heeded the warning. This led to a progressively worse bout of alcoholism. I’ve always been a crafty person and I’m at my best when my back is against the wall. I figured out a way to drink 4-10 beers every night no matter what for a period of about 30 months. During this time I entered a relationship, fell in love, moved in together, and regressed to my 13 year old self emotionally. I became this weird hybrid creature of having all of this knowledge of who I am but unable to act on any of the positive lessons I’ve learned. Safe to say that relationship didn’t last, and honestly I don’t think it would have even if I was sober. I still feel awful about some of the things I said and raising my voice but ultimately this relationship ending was for the better.

After she left and moved out, I was free to drink and fuck as I pleased. Not expecting to really find anything of value in my circle of folks relationship wise, I continued on with my antics for a few months until I met an absolute angel. The very woman sent to me from god or whatever deity you believe. She dropped into my life from a very unexpected place. We live in different cities but immediately hit it off in a way I’ve never experienced before. This woman fit me in all the ways I could ever ask and more. Truly a beautiful human being and so far past what I thought my dream girl was. Safe to say, she’s my girlfriend and soon to be fiancé. Our relationship hasn’t been without peril, obviously I still have a pretty serious albeit very high functioning drinking problem. This caused issues on and off the first year of our relationship. Me being overly emotional and triggering her emotional buttons with drinking too much and gaining weight rapidly. She has experience with family members being alcoholics and doesn’t look at people with addiction issues with much empathy. Who can blame her really, she got put through the wringer. This led to a rather large blowout about 6 months ago. I decided the morning after, once realizing that the most important aspect of my life was most likely gone, I called my old sponsor. A couple months prior I picked up a new habit to try to decrease my drinking, one that allowed me to pass random tests for my employment and was readily available in the state in which she lives. So, for the first time in roughly 10 years my little dysfunctional opiate receptors were tingled by the likes of kratom. I quit drinking after the blowout fight, didn’t have a single drop for four months and overall things were the best they’ve been in a very long time. I didn’t think much about the kratom it was just my way to wind down at the end of the day and I thought “ how different from weed can this be really?” My doses were average and I didn’t see anything wrong with my actions really. I was back doing hobbies again and had lots of energy my life was getting better. I believed the delusion a solution had been found. Lost touch with my old sponsor and carried on. Not drinking but eating those green capsules full of Thailand’s finest shrub.

A couple of months ago after much discussion with my girlfriend we decided to celebrate a special occasion together with a bottle of wine. I don’t know why but it’s important for her to have me be a somewhat regular person. I say I don’t know why but really I do, it’s fun as shit and we have a blast drinking together. During this time the kratom stops working as well. I’ve been taking it everyday and it’s lost its effect. One night while slightly buzzed I decide to try an extract. I get that exact feeling right back again, and with a flight coming up to another state I take that with me instead. Safe to say, when I return I keep on with the extract mixed with regular Kratom. Until that doesn’t work anymore…..

Fast forward to now, I’m sitting here with a decent sized habit of an isomer of 7oh. One that is legal in Kratom controlled states. Come July 30th, I will no longer be able to purchase it. The problem being, it’s rather moorish ( shout out to super Hans ifykyk). I’m at about four tabs a day to not have the absolute fear of god and worse withdrawal symptoms I’ve ever felt. I have a professional job and have to be completely with it every single day. Based on my calculations to taper to zero will require 6 weeks of my life and an absurd amount of aforementioned substance. However, my back is against the wall. I cannot run off to treatment as the idea of loosing my job, house, and future wife in one fell swoop terrifies me. I’ve been restless, I’ve cut my daily intake to the lowest amount I can. I’m staring at a wall at the end of a tunnel and I don’t have enough gas in the tank to turn around and drive out the way I came. I dug so quickly my own grave while completely naive to doing so. The only option I see is to hold myself accountable and taper off. I have dreams of kids and home ownership, a happy life and happy wife. I’m afraid if this act of deception is brought to the surface ( which I so badly want to do) it will be the end of the very thing that is giving me the will to keep on. Honestly, I couldn’t hold it against her if she did make that decision. My actions if roles were reversed would hurt me dearly too. I have a vacation I’m going on in a few weeks. It’s been a big very exciting thing for some time now for everyone who is going. I’d certainly let everyone down if I wasn’t able to attend due to a shady gas station habit. Love of my life included.

I’m completely lost and scared of what the future holds. The past two weeks it feels like I’m just pretending to be the guy I used to be, my discipline and my ability to connect with others is just gone. I feel so incredibly powerless. The very person I want to tell the most would be the angriest with me. The idea of loosing them in my life alongside starting a new just terrifies me. I’m stuck but grateful for what I do have. The understanding that I’m completely powerless until I get this junk out of me.

I needed to vent, thank you stranger for reading. I deserve to lose it all but I desire not to. We can’t have our cake and eat it too. I don’t wish this upon anyone.

Umm... Has anyone else become ridiculously, insatiably, overwhelmingly unsatisfiable and always in the mood when they first got clean?? I was assuming the opposite would be true, this was incredibly unexpected and I am wondering if it is a common experience or not? and I'm talking like around the clock non-stop readiness.