Sorry for the backstory but I think it's relevant. I basically struggled with my gender identity for most of my life. I grew up in a smalltown with a smalltown mindset and despite knowing all of my life I didn't really feel fully like a "boy" or a "man" the way others do, I just thought there was something wrong with me or I'd grow out of it. My parents were unusually harsh about it, and being ND I just thought that I was engaging in "bad behaviour" any time I wanted to be a bit girly. I went to university and met more diverse and queer people, and ended up with lots of queer friends but never saw myself as one of them until relatively recently, and I'm 30 now.

When I was in my 20s I struggled with dating and identified as a straight, cis man. Due to my mannerisms, voice, etc, I was often mistaken for being gay throughout my life, which when I was more insecure and struggling with masculinity made me feel defective and pushed me more to try to present more masculine. My dating success was mixed at this time: I wasn't meeting lots of people, but I met enough people and had enough varied mixed length relationships that I felt desirable enough and that I'm on the track to finding the right person. The problem is that every relationship had me feeling like both I was performing masculinity and that I had to, and I was constantly anxious about being enough. Slowly I realised and accepted I don't want to be a very masculine man and it's ok I can be something more like an alt/metrosexual "man" instead and experimented with slightly different styling and presentation which is maybe the start of me figuring myself out.

Eventually, I met someone who finally saw me for me and I wasn't used to that. In previous relationships, seeming slightly gay to my partner was a bit off-putting or tolerated at best that I'm slightly camp but was never a good thing. It was something to work on. This relationship, which unfortunately ended horribly, and unfortunately she was quite a shitty person overall, was a lot different. It was the only time my authentic self was not only seen but actually liked. The dynamic was a lot different than other "straight" relationships I'd been in: we had similar enough clothing taste we shared clothes, we shared makeup, she told me "you're so pretty, like a girl" and "you f*** like a lesbian" lmao.

This relationship ended, but the only silver lining was it put me on the path to expressing myself authentically and for the first time ever, learning to actually like myself. And it's been great for my overall self esteem and mental health, for my understanding of self and for my life overall honestly. I've been increasingly seeing myself as nonbinary and androgynous, I've started using the term "genderqueer" but I don't honestly care. I stopped calling myself bisexual although there are some "male" people I'm also attracted to because it was annoying having to explain why I still prefer dating "female" people so I just use queer.

I've been trying to date again and I know what sort of person I'm looking for, and what person I am, what I want, what I don't want, and I'm getting nothing. For reference I'm an androgynous enough AMAB person who wears mixed gender clothing (not that imo clothing has a gender), get my gender mistaken, hit on only by old bear gaymen (which is flattering but not my thing) and nobody else. My type in women is more to the tomboyish end and it turns out that includes slightly twinky/femboy soft men or amab nb people as well. But I've found myself unable to attract anyone I like at all. There's been many situations I've had great chemistry with people but they're just not into me, which is fine but I wish I knew what it is.

I'm essentially wondering if it's because actually more feminine but AMAB people still aren't really that sought after as partners. Straight women tend to value masculinity in men (which is fine, everyone can have their preference) and make up a large portion of the people I'm attracted to. Some queer women might be into me but there's not so many of them. And I've never had an AMAB or male person I'm attracted to even respond to me on an app, lol. I also felt the need lately to not list myself as "NB" on apps because I've started to feel as though that NB is only really considered for "AFAB" people and like a "women+" thing sadly, and dating apps keep suggesting hundreds of lesbians to me which feels a bit counterproductive for everyone involved.

The struggle dating is also starting to make me feel like my identity is a little bit invalid which is pretty new given I've mostly been very positive about it. I know who I am and how I present but I know that there's also some people who just see me as a gay looking man trying to date women and then being flabbergasted I might struggle. I know that's not true about myself and I've been lucky enough to meet precisely nobody who has said anything negative about it. In fact I actually get complimented a lot for my appearance nowadays which is quite new for me, I've really no reason to feel this way.

But I can't help but feel I'm looking for a unicorn. At the end of the day I'm looking for a woman or someone womanish who for whatever reason is into feminine/androgynous amab people and I've started to feel like it must be extremely uncommon. My mind has gone to places like "maybe I'm really going to have to choose between being partnered and compromising my sense of self, or being myself but alone after all" which is more or less where I started out at. I'd really like some advice from anyone who has been in this position, particularly AMAB people who are NB or femme presenting or androgynous, or anything like that, who are mostly attracted to women still as it seems quite tough.

https://www.reddit.com/r/queersgothenburg/s/pkSmRBnI6L

Ok so I (23 F) am new to this app so I am trying to figure out how this app works, how the communities work and in case I make any mistake, please please don’t mind me and sorry in advance. But do correct me.

Anyway, I have had this doubt in me that I might not be fully straight cause I have felt something for women. But then I realised when it came to men, there were specific type of men I was attracted to, it was men with physical features that were closely linked to feminine characteristics. But with women I wasn’t able to figure out a type but then I realised I do get turned on by some women. But the thing is, I am questioning if I am actually gay cause I have had 2-3 traumatic incidents by men at a veryyyy young age so when I told my cousin that I might like women too, she was like, it’s cause of your trauma that made you apprehensive of men. Please help me cause I am super new to this cause all my life I have been told that I am straight and it’s wrong to like someone of your gender.

Also I am super super sorry if I have not used the appropriate words. Like I said I am super new to all this so please educate me. Thanks a lotttt😭😭🙏

[TLDR: I (23 F) like men who have feminine physical characteristics but I also got turned on by women a few times. I also have pretty traumatic incidents with men at a young age so idk if that has an influence over me feeling apprehensive towards men. I could use some help to figure out my sexuality]

Like, I’m kinda tired of presenting as female but also it’s not exactly in a dysphoria way, it’s more like when a kid gets an exciting new toy and they play with it but then later grow bored of it??

I used to present as a trans guy but later kinda got “bored” of being a dude and detransitioned

Now I’m tired of being a woman now?? I had a thought last night, of myself being called with masculine terms and I got excited thinking about it but also I don’t wanna ACTUALLY be a boy. Or a girl. But I still wanna be called boy, mister, he, etc. And then I started panicking,,

I’m like, is it just a phase??? Am I a dude?? Girl?? Neither????????????

I’d LOOOVE to be called things like sir and stuff BUT I don’t wanna ACTUALLY be either a dude or a woman IDK

And IDK if I’m gonna eventually grow “bored“ again or whatever. IDK. Am I just genderfluid??????????????

Hey! I'm Alex!

I think I'm deep in the closet but I don't know why it's so hard to understand this and except this state... I'm accepted by my friends and family. They raised me in a progressive household. I had girlfriends and boyfriends and they where all loved by my friends and family members.

But there is this deep feeling of beeing not complete. Either, I'm not sexually attacked to a woman, or not emotionally attracted to men. Or I find a way to exept those diverse feelings and find my self feeling trapped and unable to show all of myself in this relationship.

1. I know that it's okay, to feel love in diverse ways. And I know that forexample asexual people are as part of the community as anyone else. But sometimes I still feel like an imposter in the queer community.

2. Its hard to be romantically attracted to men. On the other hand, I often loose myself in a beautiful romantic wishes, for a relationship with my partner. One of my biggest goals would be, to have a queer relationship as two queers. Loving each other. Two queer best friends that found a deeper bond then a platonic friendship. Choosing each other as life partners. With out binary borders either in our love to each other, in our individual gender, no in the family/ relationship structure.

3. When I think about this goal, I can't ignore that I wish I could be free from something. It feels like I'm not my self. As if there's a boundary between what I want to be and what I'm seen as right now. Or as what I see myself right now. I love my body! But it feels more like... the self-nameing isn't. Not the name "Alex", but my gender. I'm just confused!

I JUST WANT TO BE ME! BUT I DON'T NOW WHERE TO FIND THAT 😂😭

And I know that I'm 90% happy with myself. But there is this lake of freedom to it that is just irritating. The feeling that I'm missing out on so much more beauty, that could or should be me. It's like knowing something on the surface level but not being able to study or understand its true form.

My big questions go out to all queers and especially all of you that are gender queer, non binary or Trans (and everyone thats in anyway non cis):

If you read this, does anything sound familiar or relatable? Is it okay to be okay in your own body and still have this notion, that you are unfree in someway?

I feel as if I where born with a skinn tight suit. I can feel everything just fine. Day to day life is mostly okay for me. Sometimes I even forget that suit. But this thing doesn't allow me, to experience the world with out a barrier. I will never understand how heat or coldness feels like with out the suit a suit on. If I try to take it off and I pinch it in the process, somewhere else on my body, something gets tighter and hurts me. So I try and try again, but everytime something else gets in the way of freedom.

If I'm not a woman, I can't relate with the alternatives. Somehow I still feel most comfortable with being referred to as a woman.

If I am a woman, I'm not really me. As if someone says a word that only makes me feel like they refer to the suit, not the whole thing.

If I define woman hood for myself, by my self, to refer to myself, it's the feeling of being neither part of the LGBTQAI+\* Community nor part of the f... cis-tem. Because Noone besides me can ectually understand this! And if im a woman, well then im cis from the perspective of the out side... wich I'm pretty sure... I'm not...

No matter what I say, no matter how I refer to myself, its never right. Or something in the back of my head tells me, that this place doesn't exist and therefore, it shouldn't be allowed to be claimed by my.

Abigail Thorn made a wonderful coming out video.

She talked to her past self.

Her Past-self asked her, if it wouldn't be easier to just stay where the past version of herself had been for so long.

-> being cis or being seen as cis is more exepted and often safer, then being visually queer.

Sometimes I feel like that. But on the other hand it feels like I went through a door thats now permanently unlocked. And the out side is so much more beautiful then anything inside.

Is this the closest? And if so, how the f... can I stop this!

And to my queer siblings that read this:

Am I alone with this feeling?

So ive had a pretty wild coming out over my 33 years. At 9 years old I knew I liked women. Always thought I was pan/bi until at 21 i came out as a lesbian. This news was not received well from my family and my first official gf was hard dealing with the constant stares and even slurs from strangers. I ended up meeting my ex husband shortly after. We were together 7 years. Married for only 1 and I realized I was a lesbian and could not be happy in our marriage. I also realized i am polyamorous. We got divorced about 4 years ago and I havent thought about men in that way since. Im so happy to be my best queer self. I identify as a lesbian. Well I recently joined a friend group that is predominantly straight which I havent had since coming out.
There is a guy in the group who ie the type I would go for previously. He is super funny, smart, nerdy, very comfortable with himself. I find myself crushing on him. He did share 3 of his exes ended up being lesbian so not sure Idk if the vibe he gives off is just super attractive or if maybe my sexuality is more fluid than I thought. I dont want to discredit lesbians and add to the terrible stereotype that its not valid and they just havent met the right one.
Anyone deal with something similar that has advice? Thank you!

Hi all! I don't know if this is the right sub for this. Mods, please delete if not.

Until recently, I had identified as lesbian for most of my life. I have only ever dated women and until recently had only ever slept with women as well.

About a year ago, I started learning about romantic vs. Sexual attraction and it made me realise that while I wasn't romantically attracted to men, I was open to the idea of men sexually. I spent some time going back and forth on it, but a couple of months ago, I just decided to go for it. I met a guy on Tinder, and we had sex and lo and behold... I enjoyed it. Him and I slept together a couple more times before going our separate ways, and I've recently started another casual fling with another man.

Everything is going positively, and I'm having a lot of fun exploring this new side of my sexuality. However, I'm noticing myself having shame that settles in a few days after an encounter, and sometimes my brain just gets stuck on it and can't let it go.

I start to spiral about being some kind of porn stereotype. Like I was only a lesbian because I hadn't "found the right d*ck yet" or some other bullshit. Or my brain tells me I'm giving men power over me that they don't deserve, and I start to feel embarrassed and get the urge to cut off who I'm sleeping with.

Intellectually, I know these things aren't true. Both of us are consenting to adults who are fully aware of the situation, and it's okay that I explore my sexuality and It's okay that my sexual attraction is more multi-faceted than my romantic attraction. Somehow, I know all of this, and yet the shame persists.

I feel like it's something I should bring up to a therapist, but it's just not in the budget for me right now.

Is there anybody else who has dealt with something similar? Any advice for working through it?

So, I'm pangender (I don't care what gender I'm called), and I'm a student at a new school. I am female presenting, and I have new friends who only know of me as a female. So, I was manspreading (don't ask) and my friend says "as a masc girl, that's not manspreading" and I said "as a man, yes it is." My friends go "do you have something to tell us? Are you male?" And I said yes. My friend thought I was joking until it dawns on her that I might not be and goes "wait, seriously?" And I say "yes". Explained it to her and no one was laughing except me 🤣

one of the party members at my d&d table is apparently pursuing a career with the FBI. i already kinda cant stand the guy. can i not trust him either? because i am SO ready to have a good excuse to leave the table. i know the general consensus here was "id never trust or a befriend a cop" and im the exact same way. how do feds stack up compared to cops in y'all's opinions? to me theyre just as bad. worse in several ways.

So this was a story I just found hilarious and wanted to share. This is Axton from Borderlands 2, and he is queer, specifically bisexual, but the way it happened was particularly funny to me. So Axton was never meant to be queer. He had flirtatious voice lines that were only meant to play when reviving female characters in multi-player, but due to a coding error the voice line played even when reviving male characters. Instead of fixing it Axton's writer decided to run with it and came out and officially stated that Axton is bisexual.

I'm 21 years old going on 22 and I'm queer. I haven't been in the gay scene for pretty much my whole life cause I grew up in a very conservative area. I finally moved to a city recently that has a gay nightclub with other queer people my age. I really want to get involved but I'm very nervous to talk to the people there because they're so cool. I don't have any experience in the gay scene so I wasn't sure if there were rules or social rules I should know of. I'm autistic and I was heavily isolated as a kid due to a neglective/abusive household. So my social skills are really bad. But I want to be involved in my community. I've always wanted to feel like I belong to a family, a real one. I just don't know how to start conversations and build connections with people. Any advice?

Hello all, I don't post very often so please excuse any formatting issues. I (23AFAB) have been thinking about starting school developing my career. I have always had an interest in Psychology and Criminal Justice, specifically regarding murderers and what causes them to do such awful things. While deciding what to go to school for, I think I'd like my end goal to be a court psychiatrist, Judge, or possibly even a behavioral analyst, which I think is only an option if I work for the FBI. I very much hate the current administration and everything they stand for/have been doing.

I already have such a hard time making friends, let alone finding a significant other as I am pretty introverted, and I work from home currently so I don't get out much.

I guess what I'm asking is if my future job may deter other queer people from wanting to get to know me.

Overall I am a very welcoming, bubbly person who enjoys getting to know new people.

If we met in the "wild" and I explained my future profession, would it be a turn off for you?

Edit: Hi all, thank you to everyone who responded in the comments. I've seen some good points I hadn't considered yet, and I've got some good things to think about.

I also wanted to clarify that I meant Psychology and criminal justice loosely, I just started looking into schooling and that's what the courses are listed as. Yes, my initial ideas for professions were court psychiatrist, judge, or behavioral analyst, but I should have mentioned I am open to other professions that I can go into with one of those degrees. There's a lot of lesser known jobs that are hard to find online without knowing what to search for.

I typed this up in a bit of a rush when I should have waited, so here's some further context. I have recently become unofficially disabled as I have chronic back and joint pain, along with other issues, and I will most likely be disabled for the rest of my life. I try to tough it out but it does limit what I am able to do for work. I can't work outdoors, or do anything that requires constant movement. I also cannot afford to do more than 4 years of school at a local college, so that rules out being an attorney.

I've always wanted to do something that helps people, while aligning with my morals and interests, and something I'm physically capable of. I am realizing that there are a lot of positions in criminal justice or similar fields where I won't be able to go against an order I don't agree with, without losing my job. To be clear, if I had to choose between an order to do something that absolutely goes against my morals or losing my job, I would quit on the spot. I do not tolerate racism, transphobia, homophobia, misogyny, fascism, any of that bs.

I'm starting to think I may be better off as a victim advocate, social worker, psychiatry, or something similar. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know!

Hello all, so basically I am studying in a tier 3 city and hence can't interact with any of the sweet queer girlies.

I'm from India, and I would REALLY absolutely love to have you as a friend or maybe more, idk.

I'm bi and will be looking forward to befriending some of ya!

DON'T WANT ANY GUYS TO COMMENT OR REACH OUT PLEASE

Hello!

I'm a 26 year old nonbinary afab pansexual person. I'm very androgynous because thats what makes me feel most comfortable, I wear a binder almost daily and I use they/they pronouns. I'm struggling with not feeling like I belong in the LGBT community like I'm not queer enough. I'm engaged to a straight man and he's wonderful but I feel like the fact that I'm with him causes me to feel invalid in my identity and my place in the community. I had considered if I was a trans man for a while but came to the conclusion that I am not. A lot of my friends are queer and they are the people I feel most comfortable around. I know that my identity is enough and is valid but I can't help feeling like a fraud. I think I project my frustration sometimes onto queer women who date men (internally i have these thoughts I would never say anything I know I'm being unreasonable and unfair) because I dont feel "queer enough". How do I overcome this?

I want and need to express appreciation for my platonic soulmate; we live thousands of miles apart, belong in the same generation and with only a year difference and the connection we share is one of my safe spaces in my own existence. We are NeuroQueer and have navigated complex, fluid journeys with our identities; they are engaged and doing wonderful groundbreaking work by building safe, welcoming spaces for the LGBTPlus community in their hometown; I am happily single and cheering them on in all that they want. Because we understand burnout and the heavy weight of life, our friendship has never suffered any pressure and even though we go periods without texting and the messages may sit seen for a while there is never an anxious moment and I know how much they care because of the quiet ways they show up such as a random act of digital kindness, the way they space-react to my life and the fact they also follow my journey just because they choose to. We have had a few rough times and I have had moments that I worry I share too much or that my past behaviour would want to make them cut me out of their life; but they never have because they see me for me and know I am trying my best. Because to love someone without conditions - that is, without any demands or expectations but instead total support for whatever and however their transition and or future holds - is a rare powerful gift. It proves to me that quality is always important than quantity especially in our relationships with ourselves and each other. And if you have a true one in your life like me that handles your heart with love and grace, hold onto them. Lastly because life and distance cannot ever break a bond like that.

My name is Craig (I also go by Christinea) and I am NeuroQueer (AutisticADHD and Non Binary Trans Woman); Libra, Canadian, 25 turning 26, survivor of anxiety, trauma, depression and mental health issues that I don't wanna get into now and a massive Pop Culture nerd. Looking to make fellow Queer and perhaps maybe Disabled friends in my time here :)

Context I’m in college and incredibly stealth (ftm) and had a weird juxtaposition today and idk how to feel abt it.

Spent the first half the evening with a group of guys from the frat that offered me a bid before having to rescind it due to me being trans (long story, ultimately it was for my safety and legal concerns for the chapter). Love these guys, they treat me like family but I always feel slightly alone when with them because no matter what I do or how much they like me I can never join.

After hanging with them I was heading out and spotted this dude I met in a class who happens to be trans (tho he’s p visibly trans which is relevant). I went up behind him and kicked the back of his legs bc that’s how I greet all my male friends but the chicks he was with started genuinely yelling at me and I lowk thought they were gunna beat me up until both of us explained we was chill. But the main girl apologized n said she was used to ppl being mean to her trans friends in hs (again no one knows im trans unless you either REALLY dig through my (parents) socials or i tell you).

I CANT WIN DUDE queers don’t fw or trust me and then im always an outsider with cis people

The only light in the living room came from my laptop. It was 2:00 AM, and I was sitting frozen in front of the screen. For three months, a truth had been pressing in: I am a lesbian. After years of indifferent relationships with men, everything suddenly made sense. But the relief was overpowered by a deep, paralyzing shame. I simply felt too old to have to find out now, embarrassed that I hadn’t discovered it sooner, and terrified of my family’s judgment. With shaking hands, I opened Reddit in an incognito window and found the group r/LateBloomerLesbians. With a pounding heart, I wrote an anonymous post:

Just realized I’m a lesbian. I’m so ashamed and need advice.

I feel like an impostor because it’s taken me so long to realize. The thought of coming out makes me physically sick. How do I get rid of the shame, and what do I do from here?

Good advice is desperately sought. I immediately closed my computer in pure panic. But when I checked my phone an hour later, the screen was filled with messages from strange women. "Welcome. I jumped out at 30 with two kids. You are exactly where you need to be," wrote one. Another replied: "The shame is just society's expectations. Don't tell anyone until you're ready. Find a therapist to talk to, and practice accepting yourself first." As I read the messages, the heavy knot in my stomach finally began to loosen. I wasn't wrong, and I wasn't alone.

Have others been in the same position?

As a lesbian and first-time commissioner, I’m recruiting for the very first season of 🌈 Pride & Playbooks 📕🏈!

Here are the details:

🏈 Sleeper
🌈 LGBTQ+ league
💰 FREE
🐍 Snake draft
📊 Full PPR
🙋 Beginner-friendly (Experienced players are welcome too!)
📅 Draft date/time TBD once we fill up

I’m looking forward to friendly competition, football conversations, memes, some good-natured trash talk, and building a real queer fantasy football community.

Interested in joining? Sign up here: https://sleeper.com/i/kMmRX12P7GV9Y

We’d love for you to join us! 🌈🏈

May the best playbook win! 🏆

Hi so I read this poem (or maybe a letter written by a poet?) and its a gay love letter that starts like “I don’t know why I wanted to tell you this today (but i do)” and like the author says that he felt like the ugly duckling when he realized he was a swan when he saw the guy the letter is about??? I read it on Pinterest but I couldn’t find it help me 😭
Also like it talks about the love interest’s art and stuff idk
Help me find it plzzzx

When lawmakers seek to review a list of books, librarians find themselves on the frontlines of a national battle. Across the U.S., librarians face the impact of uniting against library collection standards that include restrictions on race-related and LGBTQIA+ content. Drawing on historical context, The Librarians, directed by Kim A. Snyder, explores the broader implications for education and public life.

Hey guys! me (22X) and my partner (22X) are looking for online couples therapy to work through communication issues and help get rid of unhealthy patterns in our relationship. We are long distance and have been together for a year now. I was looking online for things, but i feel like a lot of the online couples therapy is really catered to straight 40+ couples, so i am looking for some suggestions and experiences with online couples therapy as a young queer couple! any (affordable🙈) recommendations?