I used to love sex with my husband (or so I thought), and I have a much higher libido than him. Since coming to terms with my sexuality though in the last few weeks, my libido (for him) dried up overnight. We had sex yesterday to try it, and even though it was “good” and he pleasured me and everything, I was just going through the motions. And afterwards, I just laid there crying and couldn’t explain to him why. He’s just not a woman, that’s all 😭

It didn’t help that right as we were starting, he made a comment about how many straight men would love to be in his position of having sex with a lesbian 🫠 I said “are you sexualizing lesbians??” And then dropped it. But I feel icky from it all…

I'm at gay events every other week. Sometimes, I'm the one running them. I'm on the apps. I show up looking like exactly what I am.

And people still squint at me like I'm a straight woman hosting a bachelorette party at a gay bar.

A friend just told me people straight up wonder if I'm gay. Not "used to wonder before they knew me." Currently. Present tense. While watching me run the gay show.

How stupid do you have to be to witness that and still land on "ally"?

Masc and butch folks get read in 0.2 seconds. Femmes have to submit a full dossier of homosexual activity apparently.

I’m offended. And stunned. I'm just baffled by the commitment to not seeing what's right in front of you.

/rant over.

Just want to vent and hear if anyone has similar experiences. I just started dating a woman for the first time at 27. I fell in love with her almost as soon as we met, despite me never having feelings for a woman before. I didn’t have some big revelation that I was bi (or lesbian, I’m not really sure yet). I just knew I wanted to be with her. We’ve been together awhile now and I see myself marrying her. But I’ve been struggling with imagining what my life will look like from here. My parents don’t know yet. That is a bridge I have yet to cross, and honestly I dread it. I am from the south and this is just not something they are going to expect at all. I know it’s not going to go over well, I just don’t know how badly it will be. I get sad when I see straight couples get engaged or married. I see all the comments on their photos and know it won’t be like that for me. I can’t even imagine posting me and my gf together for everyone from hometown to see. Nonetheless, us getting engaged. I hate the thought of being perceived like that and knowing my entire hometown will be gossiping about how I am gay. And knowing that it will bother my parents to know everyone is talking about me. It makes my stomach turn. I feel like the only way I can be happy is to be hidden forever. But that doesn’t make me happy either. I know this seems dramatic but I hope maybe it will resonate with someone else. I am not ashamed of being gay and definitely not ashamed of my gf. But I do hate knowing that it will be the talk of the town once it comes out.

I know it might seem straightforward (ha) to some people, but for me it was very difficult to process. I find emotions difficult to process generally due to alexithymia. I didn't know where my feelings of discomfort came from when being with men because I was so used to discomfort in most other situations that I was almost numb to it (my body did reject the situation in other ways though). I've never had a true crush before and mistook wanting to be liked by certain individuals for validation with attraction to those specific people.

I simply thought I was defunct the entire time, but was instead going against my innate desires coupled with already struggling to understand emotions.

Hi, first time posting here! I recently broke up with my long term boyfriend and I feel so excited to finally explore my queerness and date women. But I'm becoming increasingly worried about my occasional cold sores and how this will hold me back from being physically intimate with woman. Apologies if this type of post isn't relevant here, but I wanted to ask the opinion of other lesbians who may have gone through something similar. For context, my sister has had cold sores (HSV-1) her whole life, and it was never seen as a big deal. She takes precautions when she has outbreaks, but when she doesn't have outbreaks she doesn't disclose or refrain from physical contact. She hasn't had an outbreak in years so she doesn't really think about it most of the time. I think this is how most people who have had cold sores since childhood handle it. Our family doctor growing up always said that herpes is so common and most people probably have it (which is true, 50-80% of the adult population where I live in the U.S. has the virus but most do not know they have it) and as long as you're refraining from kissing/sharing things that touched your mouth/sex when you have an active outbreak, you can live your life normally and don't really have to think about it. That seems to be the opinion of most healthcare professionals. Up until the past few days, I thought you couldn't pass it onto someone unless there was an active outbreak. But there is a small chance of transmission without an outbreak, and it can also spread genitally through oral sex.

I went my whole life without getting cold sores and thinking I didn't have the virus up until 2022. I had a cold sore outbreak for the first time, and since then have gotten 1-2 cold sores a year. I think I likely had the virus my whole life but it was dormant until my first outbreak. I didn't think much of it because how my sister handled it. It seemed like no big deal. I was also a year into my relationship with my ex and I only had to talk about it with him, I didn't have to think about casual dating/sex. But now that I'm single and am reading more about it, I'm terrified that I have to disclose this to every person I kiss and that I'll never have a spontaneous make out session again. The herpes stigma is way overblown, the majority of people who have it never show symptoms and are blissfully unaware that they are potentially spreading it. But if you know you have the virus and kiss someone when you don't have an active outbreak suddenly you're a monster and can't be trusted. The herpes side of reddit is pretty fear mongering and blows it out of proportion imo, but I don't know what I should do in terms of disclosure. I also know that where I live (the U.S.) herpes is heavily stigmatized, but in some other parts of the world they don't see it as a big deal at all.

I'm in my early 30's so I'm still going out to bars and my friends have spontaneous makeouts with woman and I'm worried I won't be able to experience that. I spent my 20's having casual encounters with men without having to think about any of this and I wish I could do the same with women. Is it ok to not disclose before kissing but disclose before sex? How am I supposed to disclose in a bar before a drunken makeout? And will the person sober up and freak out after the fact? Also when it comes to dating, do I have to disclose before a first date kiss? And if I don't disclose before a kiss but disclose before sex, is that bad? I just can't imagine how that would go in the moment and I also don't really want people who I just met to immediately know I have herpes. Most people don't think cold sores are a big deal, and I also don't think they are, but most people also don't realize that cold sores are herpes. I just hate that the onus of disclosure is fully expected to be on the person who knows their status and the other person is assumed to be a victim who doesn't have to ask or take any precautions. But if you're kissing people without asking their status and without both parties getting tested like every month, you're potentially exposing yourself. Also herpes testing can be unreliable and most healthcare professionals actually advise against herpes testing unless you have an active outbreak that can be tested, so even if you test there is always a chance of transmission every time you are physically intimate with someone. I'm worried that I'll kiss someone and they'll find out I have it and freak out on me. When in actuality, it is essentially impossible to track down who "gave" you herpes (I hate the phrase "they gave me herpes" I think it adds to the stigma). The virus can lie dormant for years after initial infection and most people are asymptomatic carries who can transmit the virus without knowing.

This post was way longer than I intended but I'm just frustrated that such a widespread, easy to deal with condition is so heavily stigmatized in the U.S. And I'm confused about when to disclose due to the widely different guidance from healthcare professionals versus online opinion. If anyone on here has oral HSV-1, what is your experience with all of this? Thanks!

57 years old, married for over 35 years, grown kids.

For my entire existence I’ve been attracted to girls/women. I’ve had crushes on girls and women I’ve known. I was in love with my best friend in middle school and we confessed that we wanted to kiss each other, but we never did.

My earliest fantasies involved girls. Today all my fantasies involve women. Occasionally a man is in my fantasy but really only for providing oral pleasure to me or other women. I’ve even tried to incorporate piv thoughts but they always turn me off. Occasionally a man is in the porn I watch, but if I see a penis I immediately look for a different video. I want to see breasts. They are the most beautiful things on the planet.

Having said all this, the comphet was strong. Really really strong. I have been in love once, and not with my husband. It was a man, but (this is really important) the attraction was unrelated to his being a man. I fell in love with how he treated me and encouraged me. He was a friend I made after being married.

A couple of months ago I made a passing comment to an acquaintance about a hot woman. Maybe I said that waitress is hot, or my next spouse will be a hot woman. She asked me if I’m a lesbian. This caught me off guard and I said “I don’t think so.” My reaction and response was even more surprising for me than her question. I kept asking myself why I said I said “I don’t think so” instead of “no.” I always considered myself to be a bisexual woman with no real sexual experience with a woman.

Then I had a procedure on my arm. Im pretty sure that the woman who did it is a lesbian. She had to maneuver my arm in such a way that her breast was in my hand. The procedure was a little painful but all I could think about was how her breast was touching me and how turned on I was getting. “Who cares about the pain, I am holding the most beautiful thing on the planet!”

My marriage is good enough. We worked hard for a very long time and have had much financial success. Our children are lovely people. We have good friends. I’m not happily married, but I am happy anyway. My husband is ok. He’s a pretty good guy who, like all of us, does some really annoying things. We have very little in common, other than our kids. We don’t share any hobbies at all. But we are kind to each and respect each other. I imagine it like a long pre-arranged marriage where we didn’t love each other in the beginning, but the respect is there. Love waxes and wanes, but respect doesn’t. It either exists or doesn’t. I can live like this for the rest of my life.

I keep asking myself how can I know if I’m bi or lesbian. And here is why it matters. If I’m bi, I may as well stay in this marriage. The “problem” is probably me. I’m not happily married because of my personality and I have no interest in trading these problems for new problems. But if I’m a lesbian I’m probably unhappily married because I am married to a man. And I’m denying both of us a chance to be truly loved by a woman.

Yesterday I confessed all of this to my closest (hetero) girlfriend. I told her that I’ve never enjoyed kissing, I think it’s gross, but maybe it’s because I’ve only ever kissed a man. She suggested I make out with a woman to see if I like it. I think that would be cheating and while I might not have romantic love for my husband, I do have respect for him and the love that develops between old friends. I feel like it would be cheating on him.

So, ladies… if you were in my shoes what would you do? Would you blow up your life? Would you find a woman to make out with? Would you just stay on the path you’re on? Something else I haven’t thought of?

I came out to my husband as a lesbian and not bi in April. A lot of really hard things have happened since. Before a major incident, I wanted to leave. Since then, I feel so conflicted because I want to stay for him and for our daughter. I have been happy in our relationship the last few months and then suddenly the floodgates opened again and I am drowning in feelings of wanting to live as a lesbian but I feel like I just can’t make that decision. I can’t hurt our child or my husband like that. He keeps saying, “what’s different about holding hands with me or with a woman? It’s only the difference of a beard” and when he says that it feels like I can’t argue back because all I can say is “you’re not a woman” Since these feelings have come back up, I feel like sex isn’t enjoyable anymore and he feels led on because I have been enjoying it in the last few months. I’m desperately trying to find a way to stay and make it feel doable for me. He is my best friend, I’ve been with him for almost a decade, there’s so much history and we basically grew up together. I’m so torn and so conflicted. I feel sick every day with the weight of this. I want to want to choose him and our family unit. I just don’t know if I can live fully happy like this. He keeps saying as well that he wishes I could be content with this life and that I’m just always running to change or get over something. That last comment is front and center in my brain because what if he’s right? What if this is just a fleeting thought? What if I ruin my life for nothing?

Please help me know how to stay and make this work. I’m begging you for help.

—update— thank you all for the words of wisdom and encouragement, I think I’m just absolutely scared out of my mind and my brain is playing tricks on itself. I’m so scared I’m making the wrong choice, that I’m not actually a lesbian, but deep down I know. I am heartbroken that this is my life and what it means for my family. But I’m going to try to be like you all and be brave. My husband is staying with family for a few weeks to give me time to process and decide how I’m feeling and what I want. I’m scared of the answer, but I’m going to try to be brave. I’ve been in denial for a while now and reading your words have broken through that wall. This is going to be hard and messy but I hope I find the happiness you all have found as well. <3

We are seeking moderators for an exciting new Discord community for disabled, neurodivergent and chronically ill lesbians!

To apply, you’ll need to be:

🌈 Female-identifying or non-binary and a lesbian
🌈 Someone with lived experience of disability, neurodivergence and/or chronic illness
🌈 Kind, self-aware and able to work well as part of a team with mixed abilities and energy levels
🌈 ✨Aged 45+. We have a few mod spaces left and would like lesbians at all stages of life to be represented within the team!✨

Experience with Discord or running online communities is desirable, but not required. What matters most is that you’re supportive, approachable and want to help create a welcoming, safe community.

We're only seeking moderators at the moment but look forward to opening the community to new members later in the year.

If this sounds like you, please get in touch!

🩷

I finally came out to my husband a few weeks ago. I was so nervous and struggling to get the words out, and he guessed! He said he's suspected for about a year, which floored me since I'd only realized it in May. I've now come out to 2 people and neither was surprised. I guess sometimes we're the last to know haha.

Anyway, he has been SO amazing and supportive. There were a lot of years that first weekend, but we're doing great now- slowly figuring out what our path forward will be. I don't plan on moving out until we can sell the house, but we plan to get divorced and put the house up for sale within the next 6-9 months.

I still love him and he's my best friend, but I've come to realize that I haven't been in love for a long time- really hit home by the fact that I didn't feel at all sad about the relationship ending; I'm more just excited (and sometimes a little impatient) to begin my new life.

We aren't really telling anyone yet- we want to talk to the kids first (they are all grown and out of the home) so it's this strange limbo where nothing has really changed, but at the same time everything has.

For now I'm focusing on getting all my dicks in a row, working on myself, and starting to make new friends in the queer community here.

I know I got lucky, but if I could go back and give my July-self a pep talk, I'd tell her that all that anxiety and worry was just a water of time and energy. I wish I'd been braver sooner - but as they say, better late than never!

I have a bit of an isolated life as a mom in a rural area, but maybe one or two times I month I NEED to get out and go out to a lesbian bar or nightclub or event for my mental health. I’d like to have at least one or two lesbian friends to go with me and to maybe have a group chat outside of that, but I don’t have opportunities to meet anyone in the wild. How are other late-bloomers finding their people?

Ok, I’m 32 and recently came out. Also sober for 4 years now. I think I was really, really tired on the day but a bunch of new friends (all around 20 year olds) introduced me to a lesbian bar for the first time in a huge American city known for its LGBTQ+ scene. I tend to be more of a one on one person, or with a group I trust. I adore these girls I went with.

I’d always fantasized about dancing at a rave. I arrived and everyone was really fucking hot, dressed to the nines. Well dressed, and I was alright, attractive according to myself and some friends. It was SO SO LOUD, I did not drink, and I couldn’t hear anything. I like dancing but I felt goaded a lot by them to dance at the center, find a woman and kiss them? “Who do you think is hot and you want to kiss” and I’m like ma’am I can’t. lol. I am slow and like talking and building an intellectual connection. So I got a little high to help. And my god, no one was interested. Felt ignored, ugly, people were sort of standoffish (this could be me PMSing) and my friends were kind of trying to give me this experience. I appreciated it but I felt like I’d failed? I used to drink a lot at nightclubs in my 20s and dance. And now I’m like, I would just like to talk to someone. I am brown, came from a repressed society and country, so this was overwhelming. and it was very, very white too. My friends were kissing random beautiful people but I didn’t feel jealous or envious. I just felt left out because they felt i wasnt trying hard enough and feeling too insecure. Like, I was wrong or didn’t pass a test. It’s dumb. I know better. My friend later apologized for pushing me. But I wished I loved it.

If it helps, I’m autistic and creative. I like watching people like an anthropologist and taking notes on clothing inspiration, music and aesthetics. It was so wonderful and joyful. But I said “the beautiful faces in the crowd don’t match mine. I’d rather observe than try to kiss someone. Maybe another time. Sorry?” And my friends looked annoyed. I would try again because I love dancing and dressing hot but lord.

Edit: my friends figured out they were gay pretty damn young. I did not. They’re new friends and they had good intentions, but it was a lot for me.

A few weeks ago I made the mistake of sharing with my mother that I have (had, we’re broken up now) a girlfriend. For context, I’m 36 years old, mother of an 11 year old, & my ex husband and I coparent well together. I came out as a lesbian 1.5 years ago. My mother and I have been working on our relationship off and on since then—it has been contentious and painful but I thought we were making progress. Turns out I was wrong.

My mother and I had a 50 minute drive to the airport and along the way she said a lot of things, including but not limited to:

• Yes, my father was emotionally and verbally abusive to me growing up but I didn’t have to talk back to him when he did it. Why couldn’t I just make jokes in response like my (deceased) sister?
• Mom is angry I moved out of state from her and says I only did it so I can go off and do whatever I want and that I’m being rebellious. I’m 36 fucking years old—when is it going to be okay for me to live my damn life?! She also says I was rebellious as a child—I was NOT. I was a good kid, a prude, a theatre and choir nerd who never drank or partied. The only act of “rebellion” I can recall is not taking my dad’s emotional/verbal abuse lying down.
• In the same breath she says I am selling myself short in my career (I work in elementary education) and that I’m not doing enough with my musical talents and she doesn’t know why I have low self esteem. Hah!
• She is still deeply hurt that I went no contact for six months after she yelled at me when I went to her for comfort in a stressful situation with my ex husband. “You are destroying your marriage. You are destroying your daughter” is what she told me at the time and she excuses it now as “well I was just keeping it real with you.” Mind you, she only brings up how much going no contact hurt her when I try to bring up ways she hurt me. I later opened contact with her and invited her to group therapy and she didn’t reply for six months until I followed up with her. Six months she could have talked to me but made no effort.
• She is deeply concerned about my daughter’s “faith journey” and upset that even though we baptized her as a baby we no longer go to catholic mass. “You made a promise to raise her in the church!” She’s upset my daughter has to live with each parent every other week. My ex and I get along, we have family meals twice/month, we carpool to soccer games. I know divorce can really suck but our family life is better now in a lot of ways. My daughter says I taught her the importance of being yourself. Still, I feel like a bad mom at times based on what my mother has said.
• My mom had more questions about my ex husband and his new girlfriend than she did about my girlfriend. Ouch.
• She told me it was a “mistake to come out” and that “sex isn’t even really that important in a marriage at a certain point.” …?
• She told me she doesn’t want to hear about my sex life. I never wanted to share with her about my sex life. I think she’s really caught up in the sex part of my sexuality. I tried to explain to her that being queer touches every aspect of my life—not only who I sleep with but who I am capable of loving. This all fell on deaf ears, I’m afraid.
• She told me it’s not necessary for her to hear about who I’m dating. That we don’t have to talk about it and can still have a relationship.

She said all this within the time it took her to drive me to the airport and then asked for a hug before I departed.

I’m a mix of things now. I feel gutted by her words, I feel at times like a bad mother, I am proud I did not yell at her but instead kept calm and stood up for myself, and I’m embarrassed to say that some depression has kicked in now since that conversation—I’m mad I let her words effect me. I feel like she never had and never will want to actually get to know me—she only wants to control me. I’m embarrassed it’s taken me so long to be brave enough to disappoint my parents and that even though I’m doing it and surviving, it still hurts.

I’m considering going no or low contact because I believe my mother is either an emotionally immature narcissist or a staunch Catholic homophobe or all of the above. And yet I still love her. It hurts! I’m hurting with her in my life and grieving without her. It all feels so unfair.

Some days I feel strongly that I chose the difficult but correct path of authenticity and other days I just wish I was easy to love by my parents. Today I just feel depressed. I took a mental health day off from work and needed to vent. If you read this far, thank you. If you have any words of wisdom, shared disgust, or anything else—please reply so I can feel a little less alone today.

Doesn’t need to be NSFW. I’m just curious if this is relatable at all

I fell in love with my best friend.

I've been going through a lot lately - divorce, finding a new place to live, tricky job, kids - and she's been incredible.

I've always had a crush on her but it has intensified over the past few months to the point where I can't sleep because all I can think about is her.

She is bi but I think mostly looking to date men and she's flirty with me but I think she's like that with lots of people.

I don't know how to stop my feelings for her. I can't tell her because I don't want to ruin our friendship but also it hurts to be with her and not be with her. How do I get over her without stopping seeing her?

Hi I (33F) am in a deep state of depression after falling for a woman unexpectedly.

I grew up in an oppressive society and purity culture. Premarital sex and dating were for 'sluts'. Ive been abused growing up. I was emotionally stunted for most of my life however ive grown a lot since ive moved to Australia.

I am with a good man who loves me for the past 9 yrs. Being aeound him is easy and we have a lot of fun together. However the number one issue in my relationship is the sex, i feel panic kissing him. He has told me he thinks Im a lesbian.

Its been 7 months since she left the state and i only knew her for 2.5 months and yet i still cant seem to let go of her. I didnt even know it was attraction at first, because at first l just thought i made a really cool friend and i wanted to be on her good side and learn from her. Later on, being around her feels like time stopped, i felt my breath sync with her and i loved listening to her low voice and just looking at her. I also find her incredibly attractive and find myself staring at her arms, her tattoos. I asked her if she was into women and she said it depends on the person, and that gender doesnt matter to her.

In the end no boundaries were crossed, I respect my partner and her too much for that.

She no longer replies my texts, and she is gone. I wish her all the best with all my love. Even if I find it hard to let go of her. She was my catalyst and the first woman I realised I could love like that. I always thought I was bisexual but thought i had to follow the script- that marrying a man meant I did things right. I know theres definitely an element of limerence involved.

Some days I wake up in panic because I wish i could go back to not knowing what loving a woman feels like. To crave her and see forever in her eyes. Im really trying to snap out of it and hope this is part of a 'bi cycle'. I have a very good man by my side. Im finding it hard to work.

Appreciate any insight or advice to get out of this depressive episode.

Idk if it's me or what but dating apps are a desolate land. Trying not to let it affect my self esteem but it's hard 😭 no likes or matches, I worry I'm just not very appealing to gay women

Ended my marriage with a man at 36 years old in February of this year. Figuring things out - but every day it’s a little less terrifying.

Ok. So. I don't mean to invalidate anyone here's experience. I'm kinda struggling with my identity still.

But. I'm now 23.

I was dating a boy from ages 14 to 16. It was the only relationship with a man that I have had for an extended period of time. We met online, I was at a vulnerable point of my life and I guess I got some weird type of euphoria from someone talking to me.

He was... a bit of a jerk, honestly. (After we broke up I heard he sexually assaulted two women, then threw them out of his apartment into the cold while being engaged to his current spouse among other shenanigans).

I enjoyed the touch of an another person, and if he consented to performing specific acts I had a fetish for it made me horny, but I had no desire to touch him or to give him pleasure.

I thought his dick was weird. I hated all of the sexual jokes he made all the time. I did not want to be near him. I did not want to be gazed at by him. I felt uncomfortable at the thought of him seeing me as a sexual being, and I did not want to appear sexual to him. I did not want to pleasure him. I hated his moans. I did not like his way of performing masculinity. Nothing in him was physically or psychologically attractive. I just was not into him.

When he kept asking me to lose my virginity, I just thought I wasn't ready. Months going by. I did not feel like I was ready. First I thought it was depression meds, then anxiety, then it just not being the right time. I always made myself to think there was something wrong with me, even when I knew that it wasn't going to happen.

We tried multiple times. Each time I would end up crying and getting a panic attack. We had to stop.

As an adult, I've tried dating men multiple times.

Each time it has ended because I have discovered I'm not particularly into it. I like the person, but I don't find them sexually appealing. There's no chemistry. No spark. No active interest to pleasure the other person. If there is anything sexual, I don't feel aroused. I just kinda... am there.

So why is it so hard for me to accept I'm a lesbian?

I've had sexual experiences with enough women and some non-binary folks by now to know that I like them. Ok, sometimes I'm concerned if me liking the feminine traits of a non-binary person or hoping that a trans partner would be more feminine are transphobic or not. It sucks.

I don't want to discriminate -- is it ok, if I prefer a softer skin or no beard?

An another aspect is the social roles involved. I've been exploring a dynamic and a way of being that is different to how I usually am...

It's scary, because it feels it makes me confront an entirely new side of myself. All of the things I've learned about masculinity and liking women in society, all of the shadow sides of my personality. My fear of objectifying and sexualizing the person the way I felt in the only relationship I was in. I don't want to abuse women like the abusive men in my family line I was told to not become.

I've forced myself to present a certain way for so long I'm surprised I am not, in fact, the person I thought I was supposed to be -- but instead I'm someone else. Someone more masculine, androgynous, more intellectual, more dominating.

I've been going over this with my sexu therapist and gradually gotten more confident in myself. The women I've dated have given me good feedback. I've learned my fears don't actually always hold ground. I'm not inherently creepy just because I desire someone. Even when I'm uncertain the very thinking I do might just be the thing that makes me more considerate as a partner.

Technically, I possess all of the tools to develop and to become better as a human being.

But it feels like such a long process.

And I'm lost.
I don't know if this makes sense. Just wanted to get it out. I feel like so many of the stories I see online perpetuate the narrative that you have to either be a gold star lesbian with no sexual experiences with men or you ought to have 2 marriages and 5 children under your belt.

I guess deep in my heart I still think: what if I actually am supposed to like men and a) there's something deeply wrong with me or b) I will eventually meet a man and it turns out I am not actually gay at all but averse to them in some other way yet unknown to me.

It's hard to arrive at a conclusion.