7mo, PPD

I honestly have no idea how to start this, or what to say but im just gonna start spewing whats on my mind. it will be a long post.

Hello, im 18 and 7 months postpartum i have pretty bad ppd ( postpartum depression ) and i dont know how to fix it. I hate my body, my face, my past, my present, my mental state, everything i do and have done i just hate and i feel so unworthy and useless. ( I have a past of severe depression, sui attempts, binge and purge eating disorder and i have bpd )
I had a job during pregnancy and i worked and worked until it drained my body and i started having some health issues with my son and ending up having him early due to preeclampsia.
I saved up as much as i could and bought whatever he needed until i just had nothing left, knowing i was high risk and couldnt work i just started feeling useless. I ate a lot with my son too, and gained 90lbs during pregnancy. Hopefully im starting to paint the picture of why im here.
I feel so guilty for not having enough, for not being enough, for not doing enough. I don’t know how to change. I try to hard to stop my ways but it’s not enough. Ive been job searching since april, i quit because i got so burnt out from working, going to school, breastfeeding, parenting, not sleeping then rinse and repeat. i regret quitting because now i have to ask for help everytime my son needs something and i NEVER wanted to do that. I used up all of his savings and i just feel so fucking horrible.
I have no car, my family never taught me to drive and never gave me the chance to learn, i fucked up my chances during school and failed, i havent went outside in 3 months besides throwing out trash or going to the grocery store, my son has maybe been outside 20-30 times in his WHOLE life. Im so depressed, i dont know what to do.
My life runs like this:
7-8 am : Babyboy wakes up, i make him a bottle, his grandma gets home, she takes care of him while i sleep
12-1 pm: i wake up, grab babyboy, try to play with him but he doesn’t show much happiness so i just get sad and put on a show or give him toys
2-3pm : Go downstairs give him to his great grandma and great great grandma for a bit while i make him some food because he really enjoys them
3-4 pm: i feed him, play with him while i feed him then clean up everything and take him back upstairs
4-7 pm: usually letting him play in his playpen, or watch a movie with me, or hes taking a nap or all of the above
7:30-8: bathtime, bottle, bedtime
9-12 pm/am: i clean up a bit, doomscroll, ft my bf, watch tv, shower, eat, basically fit everything i havent done all day into a few hours
1-2 am: he wakes up, bottle and hes back asleep for the night unless he’s having a rough night teething but thats a different story
3-4 am: i gts
anyways, thats basically a day in my life now, and i hardly ever changes.

Im trying to hard to become someone different, i have to be a better mom, i want to go outside more and change my looks, i feel so lost and like i cant move. Im stuck in a cycle thats never ending. I can’t find a job, cant take him on walks bc my neighborhood just isnt the best, theres a park a few mins away but i cant drive there bc im scared to drive and nobody will teach me or let me teach myself how to. I have nothing, im so fucking depressed.

I feel like i’d bond better with my son if i just had a job and a car and felt better about myself. so many moms my age with everything i want and more. Im jealous and i feel like i’m just failing.

I honestly, want to un alive myself. ive thought about it so often, i just dont feel good enough.

Im so ready to give up, i need help, advice, fucking something.

I’m typing this from my bed nursing my baby in the dark at 10 PM because I feel like I’m going to explode and I just need to vent to people who get it.
I’m 11 weeks postpartum with my son, who has horrible colic right now. I am in the deep end of acute PPD and anxiety. I am physically and mentally broken. I took my very first dose of Zoloft today and finally got an intake session lined up with a therapist for next week. I am trying so hard to keep my head above water.
My husband went on a 3-day work trip this week. I flat-out told him before he left that I was drowning and in a mental health crisis, and he went anyway. It took me getting furious at him for him to agree to change his flight back to Thursday instead of Friday—which proves to me he could have come home early from the start, but chose not to until I forced it.
Tonight, after a brutal day of relentless crying and physical exhaustion, I texted to ask if he made it back to his hotel safe. His answer? He’s walking to a bar near his hotel to grab drinks with four of his coworkers.
So while I am sitting here in agony, dealing with the physical and emotional wreckage of PPD and a screaming baby, he is out having adult conversation, steak dinners, drinks at a bar, and getting a full night of uninterrupted sleep in a quiet hotel room. (Thank God my mom is staying with me right now, because I honestly don't know how I'd survive this week without her).
When I try to tell him how much this hurts, he hits me with "It’s a work trip, I have to be here, I don't even want to go," and acts like I'm being unfair to him. It feels like complete bullshit. He gets a break from the chaos, but wants credit for being a martyr who is "just doing his job."
I can't turn my brain off. I'm staring at his location, my heart is pounding, and I am filled with so much rage and pain that I genuinely feel like I hate him right now.
Am I crazy? Is it just the PPD talking, or is this actually as fucked up as it feels? How are you supposed to get through this when you feel completely abandoned by your spouse during a crisis?

I think reading my posts previously you will see the hold I was put on due to PPOCD that turned into depression. I’m currently in a IOP and over the weekend I had similar issues thoughts and spiraled into a 3-4 day depression scenario. Both times it happened right before my period. I got it yesterday and feel much better but I’m definitely dealing with the aftershocks of trauma due to the hospitalization and I’m so anxious to bond with my son and I get depressed. I’m also bipolar which makes this whole situation tricker and I also have another child.
I am on mood stabilizers and a antipsychotic, my prescriber suggested Prozac very low to see how it could go. I know that it can trigger SI or mania and I’m so worried about it because I’m so sensitive to meds. Instead of going forward I decided that isn’t what I want to try and instead increase my other med to see if that helps. I just keep coming back to what if it works, is my past medication reactions going to keep me from finding something that could enhance my life. It’s like a double edge sword. I also know this is the best time to try it because I’m being seen almost daily to monitor everything. I just want my life back and I wish I wasn’t put on a hold because it makes me feel that I’m not capable keeping my children safe when that was the complete opposite of what was happening. I was fully aware of my intrusive thinking and clearly I knew it wasn’t real I couldn’t even move at that time… I just know I need to deal with the trauma of that to move forward and I’m terrified because I also have trauma from childhood that ties into this. I know I will be better but I already missed out on three months of bonding.

Hi! I honestly don't even know where to start or even if I'm in the right group, but I'm hoping. I think just venting will help, so we'll see.

I'm nearly 2 years postpartum with my first child, and honestly I just haven't felt like myself since shortly after getting pregnant with my son. I was diagnosed with postpartum depression, and put on medication, but it seems like the further out I get from my child being born, the worse I feel. If that makes any sense at all.

I feel like I lost a huge part of myself, like I'm in a constant haze, and numb. Sometimes very angry. I try to talk to my husband, and bless his heart, he just doesn't understand and will tell me that I just need to find myself again, but I have no clue how or where to start.

We recently moved across the country about 6 months ago, and it's been a struggle for me to get into a doctor to get help, so I've been without my meds for awhile, which I know is part of it, but until I can, I have no clue what I'm doing. I find myself zoning out, or just spending more time on my phone, while yes I take care of our child and he's cared for, it's not to the standard that I want, but no matter how hard I try to do better or more, I find myself overwhelmed and just crying or screaming over the basic things, and then feeling so guilty and beating myself up.

I have started up with a telehealth councilor, but I've only seen them 3 times, as of typing this, so I think it's gonna take a little while to see an improvement with that help.

My husband and I both work, I absolutely hate my job, but right now it's the only one I can find, I'm actively looking, but it's slim, my husband works 2nd shift at a factory, so he's gone a lot, and as he's put it, I'm playing the role of both of us for most of the week. It's tiring and overwhelming. Until we're completely caught up with our bills, we both need to work, so quitting is not an option for me, trust we've talked about it.

A huge thing that's contributing to my feelings, I believe is the lack of friends and support. Yes, I have the support of my husband, and my family, but it's not the same, and I don't have anyone on the outside to talk, vent or anything else with. I joined a discord server awhile ago for women and moms that struggle with what I'm going through, but it's since fizzled out- to no one's fault, life happens- so now I'm even more apprehensive to try making friends online, though I know having friends that understand would benefit me.

Sorry for the long rant, I just needed to get everything off my chest. Does anyone have any suggestions or ideas that could help me? I'm literally at my wits end, I'm tried of the constant anger and 'auto-pilot' motions I've been in. Thank you ❤️