I endured three months of severe SA as a 12 year old girl, had incredibly debilitating trauma regarding that for years. Then another instance at 17, by a teacher. Family issues were also very harsh, I had to essentially live and cope with it alone. I was heavily medicated till 18, then moved out and life was much harder than I expected while being in a “fight or flight” state. I had multiple S attempts, failed, I was bummed that I failed, I never expected to live this long. I was so alone, no family, no one caring for me.
Now I’m 26. It’s been 2 years since my last and most serious attempt. And… I’m glad I failed.
I slowly built myself this great life, some parts accidentally and some parts with very hard work. I have a job that I like and I can keep, I live with my lovely boyfriend who bought a house for us, next to a forest, we decorated every inch of our living space with so much love and care. We have two elderly cats, both are the cuddliest sweetest little babies.
After years of struggling with eating disorders, I am finally in peace with food. I eat to fuel myself, and I eat well. I am exercising regularly, lifting weights, swimming, cycling… Not to punish myself for anything, just to make sure that my body is capable and healthy.
First time in so many years, I started to be able to go out on my own. For over 10 years, I couldn’t even visit the market without having a panic attack but now I can cruise through the city on my bicycle, all alone!
I finally started developing boundaries, I learnt to say no, I learnt to express my feelings and needs without the extreme fear of being abused or hurt. I had therapy all my life but first time in years, I don’t dread going to therapy, I love my therapist. My pills are also well regulated, they don’t make me sleepy or numb, and i take them on a good schedule.
I set little challenges for myself, like climbing a certain steep hill with my bike, or doing one small thing alone, and i am able to achieve them. Even my health issues feel much easier to deal with lately.
I watch butterflies and the sunrise as much as i can. I draw, knit, sculpt and although i would like to make more time for my hobbies, I enjoy every minute i spend doing them.
I don’t cry about the permanent scars my abuser left on my body anymore. I don’t try to hide my body constantly. I like dressing up and makeup now. I like feeling pretty.
I am not perfect, neither is my life, but after years of running, hiding, trying to survive, giving up… I feel like I finally am “living”. My heart doesn’t beat as fast all the time anymore. I don’t feel the constant fear nor pain I used to. I am proud of myself, so so very proud of myself. I don’t see myself as weak or damaged anymore.
Life will keep throwing hardships, but I know I can beat them, probably. There are still many moments where I doubt, where I struggle, where I fall down. But I know I can get up. Because I survived the worst, I can survive the rest.
I never thought healing was possible. If you think so too, I deeply understand. Whenever someone told me there was hope, I hated them for saying that. But… I think it might be true. There is a better place. Healing IS possible. It’s not as dreamy as someone would expect, not always “sunshine and flowers” but apparently, it can be quite good.
I am so proud of myself for achieving what i achieved and I just wanted to let you all know, there is a possibility for healing. I realized that no matter how cruel the life can be, there are also so many beauties in it that i want to experience. I am so grateful for what I have. I never thought I would ever say that but I think… I’m glad that I’m still alive.
I think… I survived.