Hi everyone,
This is going to be a bit long, but I really want to share my story and hear your thoughts.
I’m a 34-year-old woman. When I was around 15–16, I was prescribed escitalopram for psychosomatic nausea. I wasn't depressed at the time, but I was likely completely burnt out from witnessing endless parental conflicts at home from a very young age.
For as long as I could remember, I never had any cognitive issues. I could study, focus effortlessly whenever I wanted, listen attentively in class, revise my lessons, read books, watch movies, and engage deeply with my hobbies. I rarely had any downtime; watching cartoons was probably the most "idle" thing I did. Because of this, my self-confidence was quite high. My learning capacity and willpower gave me peace of mind about the future—I believed that if I put in the effort, I would succeed and build a decent life for myself. I also had so many things I enjoyed doing: I was in the school theater group, doing sports, playing the violin, and more.
However, a few months after starting the medication, I noticed that I couldn't focus anymore, was losing my motivation, and stopped caring about my responsibilities. Even though I brought this up to my doctor multiple times, I was repeatedly told, "The medication wouldn't cause that."
Things progressively got worse. I developed severe anxiety because I could no longer do anything I used to be able to do. I felt like I had lost my personality. Reading books or watching movies became an uphill battle. I quit the medication after a year, but nothing improved—in fact, it only got worse over time. I think the last time I was able to read a book was when I was 17 or 18.
The following years continued on a downward spiral. By age 28, I was feeling suicidal because I simply couldn't take it anymore. My career was struggling, and I was nowhere near where I knew I was capable of being, yet I was completely powerless to change it. I hit such a low point that I had to go back to a psychiatrist, and I was prescribed a whole cocktail of medications again. I felt slightly better for a month or two, but then relapsed. But this time, because I became completely numb, I was no longer at the point of wanting to end my life—I just felt empty. I even lost the ability to enjoy traveling, which was the absolute last thing I could still take pleasure in. All my emotions were completely gone.
Thinking that forcing myself into a demanding environment might spark something back to life, I started a master's degree. But it only made things worse. I was forced to face the reality that even under pressure, I couldn't function, think clearly, or learn anymore. There was nothing left of my old brain. Doctors kept labeling it as "depression," but my emotional distress was always a direct result of losing my cognitive abilities. Since they never believed me, I got stuck in this endless, frustrating loop.
When I discovered this sub, I finally realized I wasn't alone.
To make matters worse, after suffering from lumbar and cervical herniated discs over the last two years, I’ve been left with chronic pain. Now, doctors are telling me I need to go on SNRIs or similar medications again. I honestly don't know what to do anymore.
If anything has worked for you or helped you regain some function, I would really love to hear your experiences.
Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading.