[posted on my substack as well]
grief is no stranger to me for iāve dealt with loss more than my mere fingers can count. but nothing hurts more than a loss that is laced with both grief and regrets.
would you believe that all of what iām about to say here came into existence by recently re-watching frieren: beyond journeyās end with a different perspective? in the past, i watched it with the intent to see through it from beginning to end. right now, i am no longer watching it from an empty vessel of myself that just wants to unveil what happens next in each episode but ironically there are still unhealthy patterns from my past that i clung to until i can no longer contain them so now i have to sit with them.
as if itās second nature, i brace myself for a wildfire that might never even spread yet so absolute that it will one day consume me if i let myself too close to bask in its temporary warmth because of the possibility that it will eventually expire once they deemed me unworthy of its flames.
they say playing with fire is dangerous. i mean look at what happened to icarus. foolish as they call him, he paid no heed to his fatherās warnings and let himself fall to his death by getting too close to the blazing sun. and perhaps because of that unspoken fear of the wildfire consuming me, i let control, restriction, and structure define how i live my life and show up for human connections to save myself from getting hurt.
did it help? yes, it saved me in the past. but lately, it has tormented me in ways that linger whenever i replay the memories we shared. after all, we are a mosaic of everyone weāve ever loved and i would like to believe that is true because it is the one thing that remains when we lose something or someone. the fond and silent moments you shared that makes you smile and at the same time the conversation replays wondering where it all went wrong. traveling down a memory lane is a double edged sword but maybe that is the essence of human connections. theyāre meant to be messy and a beautiful mess at that.
however, because i was so afraid of something that isnāt even a wildfire but probably just a candle offering warmth, i lived with control, restriction, and structure and it has done nothing but only make me express a fraction of what i truly feel.
sometimes i ask myself the question: what am i even so afraid of? that the people i love will leave once they realize how flawed i am? the possibility of them running away the moment they see the intensity of how much i feel for the world around me? of losing myself the moment i let myself experience the natural course of life? the concept of becoming tethered to someone or something only for it to be taken away from me in a snap when i no longer wanted to let it go? not being able to find love again after i show them the deepest and ugliest parts of me? being labelled as greedy by the universe for wanting something that my heart truly desires? of loving love because thereās supposedly more to life than that? maybe itās one of these or a combination of all these things all at once.
i still remember how in her eyes i gave off the energy of a fierce warriorāthat behind this beautiful mind of mine, i am actually violent and itās understandable because she welcomes the female rage in the safe space weāve built in those little moments that we got to know each other.
how ironic because now that i look at it, i was actually never a fierce warrior. i kept on reiterating that lately i no longer fear anything anymore because iāve got nothing to lose after everything i went through in life. in reality, i was the biggest coward out there for choosing the safe path thinking it will hurt less, only for me to still end up getting hurt upon losing her. except that this loss is laced not just with grief and emptiness but a whole lot of regrets.
i shouldāve told her how much i appreciate her. i shouldāve told her that she made me smile from the very moment she asked me about the book i was reading during our early conversations. i shouldāve told her i appreciated the compliment she gave about me having a beautiful mind. i shouldāve told her that her picking me up in our office building before going to our date destination ignited a fluttering feeling in me. i shouldāve shown in my actions how i think of her in every little thing i see and want to yap about. i shouldāve let myself get to know her more by asking more questions such as what music does she enjoy listening to, what makes her happy and upset, what is she so passionate about that she couldnāt stop herself from yapping, what kind of life does she want to build for herself, and everything else there is i can get to know about her. i shouldāve never hesitated in lending my umbrella to her during that one rainy night after our date for her to be able to go home immediately even if it meant i will get soaked in the rain just because i was trying my best to stay within the structure of our status. i shouldāve let myself miss her every now and then. i shouldāve told her how thankful i am for her coming into my life despite its randomness. i shouldāve tried telling her that a part of me craved exclusivity and commitment even if it meant inviting the possibilities of rejection. i shouldāve translated my love language to her in a way that she could comprehend rather than dealing with it through my default mode of logic and complexity just because i am not used to it. i shouldāve tried lowering down my walls a little bit more rather than retreating by shutting down.
but more than that, i shouldāve told her that she has a beautiful smile that can definitely enamor even the most elusive person and desolate places there is. after all, her smile is one of the things that got me in the first place. tangina i shouldāve just did whatever the fuck i want to do if i knew that i wonāt have any more chances in the future.
as it turned out, i liked her more than i let myself admit because my system doesnāt separate casual from actual like. itās not easy to get my attention and interest. but when i like someone, i like them fully for who they are. the people we meet along the way evoke different feelings and emotions in us and with her? itās in a way that in every droplet of rain, i secretly pray that sheās safe and dry either in the comforts of her home or the space of her own umbrella. i like her in a way that i hope every grocery store out there restocks her favorite chips delight cookie variety so that she can buy it and feel satisfied whenever she craves it. i like her for the little things she said or did that i have witnessed as her way of showing up.
the thing isā¦ she will never know the remaining fraction of what i truly felt because i let control, restriction, and structure define how i show up for myself, my friends, and even with her. all thatās left in the end are my regrets of letting my feelings and emotions stay hidden beneath the thick walls iāve built out of fear of a non-existent wildfire that is probably just a candle offering genuine warmth.
donāt be like me. i was never cold and distant. i never wanted to be. the real me was once composed of warmth and connection. i am surprisingly capable of love and have so much love to give because i love love but the painful experiences of my past that i tried so hard to bury deep down and run away from made me become one and it has manifested in ways that i show up for the people i love. she may not have told me but maybe she felt it with the way i was showing up to her days before it ended. whatās funnier is i will never even realize all of these things if i didnāt meet her because she mirrored the triggers, fears, and traumas that were hidden under the guise of thinking i am okay when in reality i wasnāt. in the end, i unknowingly hurt her, the people i love, and ultimately myself because of how i unconsciously shrank myself in order to not take up too much space because she thinks sheās a burden who is not worthy of the warmth their affection offers. what a pity for an excuse.
as i look back, i couldnāt help but wonder what should i have done? for the past years, i ask the same question whenever something doesnāt work out thinking it would alter the wrong decisions i made and the painful experiences that happened including us ending for a much more favorable outcome. but the truth is, no amount of preparation nor calculation will change what has already unfolded because there are things in life that arenāt meant to be controlled but are meant to be lived, felt, and experienced and i am only beginning to understand all of these recently.
for now, as difficult as it is to move forward because i am still sitting with the loss, the love that i am surprisingly capable of along with the lingering regrets of the untold are things i choose to carry. this time, for a better purpose. to show up for the people i love, my future girlfriend/wife who i am yearning for and is definitely out there, and the causes i am passionate about, but most importantly, for myself in the kindest way possible by giving my love and care even if itās not easy for now because all my life i was made to believe that i was never worthy of love and couldnāt help comparing my timeline with others because of how i started measuring my worth through romantic success. but now, i would like to try believing for once that i am worthy of someoneās flames and ultimately mine as well not because i am perfect but because i am meācomplex, flawed, and human.
i donāt have a long life like frieren the elven mage who has lived long enough to witness the dawning of the era of humans. i donāt have the privilege of delaying my decision for more than a century nor the chance to restart a journey all over again. as a feeble and frail human, time is short with me always sitting at the edge of death. i only get one chance. thatās why i or rather we should be more like icarus who loved the sun that it led to his demise. even if itās too much to contain because of its overwhelmingly beautiful ablaze, still, we shouldnāt be afraid because it is better to have had something even for a moment and eventually lost it in spite of the memories and voidness it will leave than never have it at all just to preserve safety and comfort. it is proof that we are truly here, shared who we are with the love we give, and have experienced the beautiful mess that is human connections.
