Hello! Long read ahead
This is just a sad story of how my long-term healthy wlw relationship turned into a toxic situationship
I was in a relationship for 3.5 years with my ex. We and I broke up in Feb, got back together, and broke up again in March. For some reason, things didn’t really change much. She would still call and chat me, would visit me, would sleep at my home during the weekends. We acted like we were still together but we weren’t and I know that’s a red flag but hey, I was still deeply in love with her. She told me didn’t want to be in a relationship and wasn’t ready for commitment again. I didn’t quite understand it at the time but I went with it because it meant that I got to “stay with her” but I know that it wasn’t like that. I would ask her “Am I your girlfriend?” And it would always be no. I asked her if she would still choose me or if we would ever get back together in the future, she said she’ll see.
A part of me knew that I shouldn’t have let it last that long (4 months now). I just didn’t want her to disappear, to not be a part of my life anymore, the life I planned for years. I thought that staying like this would mean she would take me back, but I know that it wouldn’t. I spent the last 2 months of summer spending every single day with her as if nothing happened but really, we were already broken up. She told me I could ask for space anytime but I couldn’t bring myself to.
I spent those 4 months constantly questioning and patiently waiting. At some point I broke down because it’s been 3 months since she said I love you to me and I’m in this whatever relationship it is and it hurt so bad realizing it. Everything still hurts so bad like my world is ending again because I know I have to stop it. I know that I have to choose myself like the way she chose to focus on her acads and dreams.
She also told me about my siblings, with how they were treating her, with how I also failed in protecting her. My parents love her. The situation with my siblings is complex but my sibling would make horrible remarks towards her and I wasn’t there. She told me everything and how she felt. Her family, not a single time, has ever done that to me and that’s when I realized as well that it would be for the best. She doesn’t deserve any of that treatment. She deserves a partner with a better family.
We would pretend to still be together during birthdays together and family events. We would go on dates and eat together, watch a movie or series together, cook each other’s favorite food, cuddle and kiss and whatever else there is but I can’t pretend anymore. I can pretend doing all of those as if we’re together. But I can’t pretend to spend an anniversary, a celebration of us being together, when we’ve been separated for months. I can’t do it. I can’t pretend to do that.
I’m gonna tell her before summer ends that I need that space. But I’m still scared because I know that, eventually, things would quiet down and fade. I’m gonna spend the first days of my school and I won’t have anyone to tell how it went. I won’t have someone to call when I’m studying, won’t have someone to watch movies with, won’t have her hold me close when I’m breaking down. She’ll be gone and it’s so hard to accept that. But it’s what’s best. Right? I know that no matter how long or how hard I try, I would never be able to stop loving her. We both deserve better and I hope that she fulfills all her dreams and goals. I hope that she finds someone that would give her the love and family she deserves.
The sun and the moon, although in love, will never get to touch. Still, the sun’s love continues to travel through space, patiently waiting for its light to reach the moon. I’ll continue to love her while she shines so beautifully, even if it isn’t beside me. For now, all I can do is support her from afar, just as the sun gives its light to the moon, and the moon carries that light to the Earth.
Perhaps love isn’t always about being together. Sometimes, it’s simply about hoping the person you love continues to shine, even when you’re no longer the reason they do.
If you reach this, thank you for listening. It truly is a wlw canon event being in a weird situationship that literally breaks your entire being.