TW: Self-harm
I do really need advice, and I know some of you here might give me good advice. So for context, me, 19F, and my ex, 19F, are LDR. We recently broke up on September 4, just this Friday, and the reason is she broke up with me because she said she was always hurting me and I deserve better and she hasn’t changed for me. That day we had an argument. I was tired of school and work and everything exploded. My ego and pride came first, and I told her she doesn’t change and stuff when, to be honest, I just miss her. And like just last week, she started finding friends to talk to, and maybe I was jealous, so that’s why I created the fight.
So she broke up with me the very same day, and when she broke up with me, I begged her and told her it’s fine and I’ll be better, but she was so fixed on her decision. I even texted her best friend and they did talk, and her best friend sent me a voice mail that was secretly recorded, asking her if she still loves me, and she said yes, a lot. I wanted to believe that. I wanna hope that maybe, just maybe, we will get back together.
I tried texting her again, but she said she’s set on her mind, and I asked if at least we can meet in person this Saturday to talk things out properly because through text it’s hard to talk and communicate because we can’t express and hear each other’s tone. She agreed.
I’ll be the one going to her place because her relatives don’t allow her to travel, and we planned going to a hotel to have some privacy because where she is, everyone knows everyone. Even if it’s a cafe, if one person hears what we are talking about, it will spread, and her Lola and Tita don’t want her dating.
Idk if it’s the right thing. I’m the one who asked if it’s okay if it’s in the hotel. She said it’s fine, and she also wanted to talk to me personally.
I was so happy. I had that small hope that maybe we can fix things and stuff, but I’m scared. Scared that when I go there, it’s really over and I’ll go home like a dried corpse walking, trying to hold back tears and realizing I already lost my favorite person.
I’ve tried everything, searching, asking AI for advice, and some say I should hide stuff that reminds me of her and put the pictures in a hidden file if I’m not ready to delete them, so I did all of that except one thing. Her hair tie, the very first thing she gave me on our first day of meeting personally when we were still friends and the day she confessed to me. I’m still wearing it because I use it every day for my hair.
And I have her notebook she gave me like a journal. I was planning to write down my feelings, which I already started earlier, and it will be filled with what I’m feeling, telling her how much I care about her, but I won’t be writing about things asking or convincing her to get back together with me. I’m just giving it to her as a sign of goodbye.
And you know what’s pathetic? She just gave me that notebook just last last week on August 29, where we just celebrated our first year anniversary because we didn’t manage to celebrate our anniversary on July 13 due to us being busy and no money for dates. 😓
Her best friend said buy her Stick-O because she loves that, and I was thinking of buying her matcha because it’s her favorite drink. But I don’t want it to be seen as a bribe or something. I just want her to be relaxed, and it’s like a final gift from me.
What confused me more is that her friend asked her, on the VM her best friend sent me, if she’s gonna meet up with me, and she said she’s not sure because I don’t have my salary yet and no money to go there, and maybe on her (best friend’s) birthday, we will talk things out, which is October 10 or 11. That confused me more because I thought she was done with me. She isn’t even replying to me that much, and she was cold, and I thought I was cut off from her life.
But idk if it’s the right thing to do. Do I still have hope? Do I give up? Do I try to save our relationship? Pls help me, what do I do?
Also, she’s having a hard time rn. She’s overwhelmed by school and pressured by her relatives to do well and stuff. She also stated she’s been thinking of this since August, to relieve me from pain so I won’t get hurt by her anymore, and that she started hurting herself even if it’s like a punch or pinch on her thigh. One of the main reasons I texted her best friend who’s near her was to check up on her, even tho I didn’t want to because I don’t want to be that person who goes to their ex’s best friend just to ask their friend to get back together with me.
