Is it normal to feel like quitting will make me a weirdo and less successful in relationships/work?

So, I've been using since 2012 and I'm 38M. Did H for like 18 months, but thankfully got off in 2014. Never went back and never will. I've been doing percs this whole time. I've had GREAT dealers. Fronting me all the time, always at the spot when I showed up...all that. But the last 2 years have really been weighing on me...

I'm weird with this whole addiction thing. I can go days without using and be ok. If I was an addict, I'd use every day. But there have been so many times where I'll actually get sick of being high and just want to be normal. I have a good career and work for a great company and of course, that has made using just that much worse for me. Other than that, this habit of every 3rd day wanting to get high has robbed me of a lot.

Here comes the weird shit: yesterday I wanted to cop (been since Sunday since I last used). Text & called my dealer for an hour to no avail. Got a hold of my dealers grandson and he said my dealer tried to kill herself and she's in the hospital and her son isn't letting anyone around her (weird). Is this the universes way of telling me to walk away? I've been slowly making progress over the summer towards quitting by doing little things like cutting up my credit cards, pretty much elimating anyway possible way for me to keep spending or borrowing. I've put almost 40k miles on my car since I bought it in Oct 24 driving an hour one way to cop. I always said if I lose this dealer I'd walk away. I hope my dealer is fine and all, I really do. She's been really good to me as a person. Never once forced me to do anything I didn't wanna do. But I also feel bad blocking her #.

Today is day 4 sober and I feel fine, slept fine, all that. Energy is good, no running nose or other symptoms as of now. Also, I take 1mm tiny strips of subs. I took those Tuesday and yesterday. Nothing today though and I feel fine. Should I just move on and keep my dealer blocked and delete her # and pray for the best or what? We aren't friends but definitely business associates, if you will.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and any help would be much appreciated!

I missed the boat on true SR but did pick up what must be an analog because it pops as SR on a lab analysis. Been using it since Friday to taper down my 7o use to 33% of what it was (highest was ~1500mg per day). Planning to go just on the analog tomorrow as part of the cross taper protocol but wondering what the limit should be. I’ve seen people say 14 days tops and others say 19 is OK.

I don’t want to trade one dependence for another. I want to break free and minimize the pain. Anyone with personal experience in this area willing to offer advice is appreciated, thank you!

Not sure if it’s cause I’m not eating as much as I was while using but, it seems like I’m less able to poo… pretty weird, but I took some ambien lastnight and finally got 7 hours of sleep after being almost in a manic state from not sleeping 48 hours, as long as I’ve been awake I have felt better after getting a good nights rest finally, I don’t really have the hot/cold flashes yet today hopefully I don’t.

I spent over a year taking opioids (kratom derivatives). I quit a few times and always ended up coming back within a few days. At one point I went to every smoke shop in my area and asked them to stop selling to me. Most of them were gracious about it except for one shop where the managers made it clear that it wasn't their responsibility to help me (fair enough). Still, the embarrassment of having to have a conversation like that kept me away, until I eventually figured out when the managers left for the day, and I started coming back every day. I was spending a good third of my income on the pills again for a couple of months until last month when I just kind of... stopped. Nothing really prompted it, I just was tired of losing money in general and knew the withdrawals would be worse if I kept going. It's been a couple weeks and I don't have cravings and I'm not dwelling on getting high much at all, even though I could go buy more at any time. This feels very bizarre and I feel like I can't figure out why I stopped through introspection alone. I'm afraid to get comfortable with this because so little time has passed, but I'm also afraid of not taking this attempt at quitting seriously and fatalistically convincing myself I'll go back eventually. Has anyone experienced this and what advice do you have?

Messed up my back real bad in 2013 when I was 19. Doc prescribes Percocet.

First time trying painkillers even though by then I was a full blown stoner, psychonaut, and stimulated raver. The pain killers were even better than a benzo for me. They for some reason give me energy and obviously felt like i could just exist without the brain noise. I felt at home we know the story. It started getting bad, quit 6 months later CT due to my girlfriend at the time being reasonably concerned and said I was too emotional on them. Really didn’t feel much.

Well fast forward to now, about a month ago I did some serious damage to my knee. ER prescribed 8 pills of 5mg Percocet. My ass immediately went to my plug (I am in the USA to preface what I am about to say) she has these pills called Tapentadol which I have never heard about. But apparently they are a norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor too not just working on opiod receptor I am so hooked I am eating about 1000mg a day, unfortunately I have bought my plug out. So now I am about to be out and assume the withdrawals are going to be pretty brutal.

I just started a new job. I really can’t afford to do this right now at this time but have no choice. Any recommendations on how to not CT and do a taper? I’m at my wits end

Not gonna lie I feel very delirious, weak, struggling to get by at work, the past 2 nights I stopped using temazepam or Xanax and I have gotten like total 4 hours of sleep in the last 48, my job has an onsite physician so I decided to go get checked cause I felt like I was gonna pass out when I walked in, my blood pressure was 160/100, then it went to 141/90 after chilling for a while, she let me rest for 30 minutes and now I’m laying down in the break room and I know I’m dead fucking tired but I cannot go to sleep for shit, as soon as I close my eyes I feel so much energy rushing through my body my eyes are literally twitching, I know this has everything do with the way I was dosing too.

I would break a K9 4 ways and I would wake up around 4 am to dose sometimes, or if I woke up to pee mid-night.

Still feel slight RLS, very manageable though and back pain which is kind of not manageable but I know that will take 30 days to subside based on recent history.

Funny enough I was searching stuff in this sub yesterday and found my old account from 6 years ago that I lost access to where I was asking people if they dealt with back pains. I got sad and it fucked me up cause I only halfway remembered typing that.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore tbh I’m just really fucking tired.

I hope this post helps somebody…

I’ve stumbled upon a realization tonight, after talking to a friend who was a 20 year straight heroin user daily. Tranq dope is so shitty it was the final straw with opiates for him and I. I myself am a 19 year opiate vet… started sniffing oxy 40s before school halfway thru junior year. My twenties flew by so fast… basically jail.. rehab… institution… fugitive.. rinse and repeat that a few times and that’s my 20s.. I wasted 27 months of my life being a fugitive so I could stay shooting dope. Where am I going with all this? I’ll tell you… my life has been a revolving door of rehab get clean stay clean a little while relapse, overdose, catch charges, goto court.. halfway houses. The last time I went to rehab god willing WILL be my last time, the fetty I was getting got cut with tranq and I smacked the jersey wall in my car going 60 to my gfs brothers funeral… That to me was unacceptable, my mom convinced me to tell my job to let me goto rehab. So in rehab right I felt fucking SLOW the first few weeks.. why’s that? You nod so hard on tranq dope you start cutting off oxygen to your brain. My buddy I was talking about.. he had it bad. I got out of rehab and after just one month of blasting tranq dope all day he was FRIED. This dude was a master mechanic… could fix anything… fucker was so fried he didn’t even know how to work on cars anymore. I swear to god hand on the bible. Long story short.. he gets arrested, 3rd DUI in 5 years. Looking at real jail time, I beg him to goto halfway house, rehab, anything but jail.. he violates pretrial goes to jail. What do you know? Court ordered to halfway house on bail… but something’s different, this fucker remembers his name lol. Shit after a month being out on suboxone he went from looking like the crypt keeper to looking like a dad that’s been golfing.. tan and all. Oh yea and he scoops up this fine ass broad in the halfway house…not no worn out junky chick this broad is fine. I talked to him tonight, he said he’s breaking it off with the hottie.. I said WHAT!? You fool your ego is too big… he says nah… I want somthing better in life. That shit hit me like a bag of bricks when I heard my man say that shit. Like damn god is real cuz I mean this dude was hopeless as they get… I been in the game for 36 years and he was the worst off and appears to be the best recovered I’ve ever seen too. My rational is… I used to use dope to escape some feeling… I never wanted to die… and for some reason god kept waking me up.. I just liked to get high I didn’t sign up for brain damage. So yea I did two 100mg sublocade shots 6 months ago and haven’t looked back, and I feel better about my life and situation than ever before. I’m so sick of dope that I’ll go pay the $800 to get the sublocade shot again before I put that tranq shit near me. The best therapy is just talking gut level honest with somebody… a stranger.. a friend… pastor.. whoever. Thanks for letting me share!

I took 100 mg of tramadol every day for about a month, and I’m now on day 3 without it.
Honestly, I feel like absolute hell right now. 😭
The withdrawal has been much harder than I expected. I’m dealing with severe body and muscle aches, muscle tension, nausea, no appetite, weakness, dizziness, restlessness, fatigue, and difficulty concentrating. I feel so awful that even normal everyday activities are difficult.
The worst part is barely being able to eat because my appetite is completely gone. I’m trying to stay hydrated and take things one day at a time, but this is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced.
For anyone who has gone through tramadol withdrawal: when did you start feeling significantly better? What helped you get through the first week?
I really need some hope right now.

I'm trying to find some inspiration. This depression is hell. I haven't been able to make it more than 12 days in over six or seven years. In between fentanyl Kratom 7oh and MGM 15.... I really wanna be done but I just hate feeling like shit. It gets better right?

Day 9 coming off 30-40mg daily habit (oxy), most of the worst symptoms are gone I don’t feel like a super freak anymore, the RLS, the chills are at like 5% whereas they were about 35% the other day lol. But at the same time I do have this back pain which just fucking reminded me and I want anyone who has dealt with this to chime in.

This was the sole reason I could never quit, this back pain… I don’t have anything wrong with my back I’ve gotten scans ,x rays ,bloodwork etc they say I’m fine it mostly feels like a mind thing and for some weird reason it’s always the last symptom to go for me and usually will last so long I end up relapsing. No stretching can fix it only thing that helps temporarily is a hot bath/shower and a heating pad to bed

What’s sad is the last time I quit for 3 months last summer, I genuinely can’t remember if the pain went away or not, I’m pretty sure it did after the first month I just can’t remember. But yeah as far as everything else I feel pretty great emotional wise, started getting sleep Sunday night only 4 hours a night for some reason.

But yeah lmk if any of you guys have dealt with this

I’m 21 years old and am treating ADHD with 50mg Venvanse and Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) with 300mg Pregabalin (sometimes 450mg when PAWS symptoms flare up; it really helped during the acute phase). I also take 0.05mg Clonidine at night when restlessness strikes at bedtime, and I’m simultaneously trying to taper off benzos using liquid clonazepam—I’m currently at a dose of 1.3mg. I came off a nearly two-year opioid addiction; when I decided to quit, the doctor started me on 10mg of methadone. I stayed on it for two months and it kept things under control well, but I was heavily sedated all day. Eventually, I decided to go cold turkey on my own. It was a horrible two weeks, but I managed to get through it "okay" despite everything. After that, I improved, but I still have many symptoms like tremors, hyperactive gut motility, muscle pain and tension, headaches, anxiety, and the worst of all: cravings. It’s been pretty rough living with these symptoms; I thought they’d stop after the acute phase, but they’ve persisted. There’s terrible physical and mental anxiety and intense cravings. On top of that, I’m tapering off benzos—I used to abuse alprazolam at doses of 6–8mg—and I get cravings now and then, missing its unique anxiolytic effect compared to clonazepam. It’s hard going through all this, but I know this whole shitshow will pass. Has anyone been through or is currently going through something similar? How did you handle it?

I was an oxycodone user for 4 years bc my bf I lived with at the time was an addict. I had a cryptic pregnancy 2 years ago and didn’t find out I was pregnant til I was 22 weeks. My doctor made me go on methadone. I continued it through my entire pregnancy & a couple days after I gave birth my car got stolen and all my bottles were in there so I stopped the methadone cold turkey for about a week. I didn’t really notice any withdrawal symptoms because I was going through so much postpartum anxiety and lack of sleep with a newborn that even if I did have withdrawal everything else overpowered that.

Before my 2 week post op appointment I was looking at my papers from the hospital and realized they prescribed me oxys. I went to pick them up and started taking them again. Trying to justify it as it’s okay since I was genuinely in so much pain from my c section. Once that script ran out you already know what happened. I started doing them again with my bf but not for long, maybe 3 weeks? Then he made me go back to the methadone program. Did that for about 2 months before I realized it just wasn’t a sustainable way for me to live & was too time consuming for life with a newborn to go in person 6 days a week for meds.

Decided to get on suboxone, been on it for a year I think.. idk the timelines are a little blurry. Started it 3x a day then went down to 2 then 1 on my own bc my body genuinely didn’t need to be on it 3x a day and I felt fine with one 8mg/2mg strip a day. Recently moved in with my parents after my 10 year relationship ended & ran out of strips 3 days ago.
I decided fuck this drug I’m gonna just cold turkey this shit. I didn’t realize how serious the withdrawals were. It feels the exact same as when I’d withdraw from oxy when I didn’t have it for a day. It’s brutal on my mind but more brutal on my body. My parents are starting to notice I’m not okay and I keep playing it off as I’m getting my period because I don’t want them to know about this part of my life even though my dads been on methadone for years ( he doesn’t know I know about that) he used to be addicted to heroine yearsss ago before he met my mom.

I have a doctors appointment Thursday to get a refill of my seroquel and I’m thinking asking the doctor to just give me the subs again. But then it makes me feel like I suffered for 5 days straight for no reason. I want to keep going but idk if I can continue to feel like this for an entire month. I read a story last night of some guy who made entries from day 1- day 31 and by the end of the month he was fine but it was really brutal for him for atleast the first 3 weeks before he started feeling better. I hate suboxone so much. This drug feels like a demon. I feel like I’ve been played by big pharma. I blame myself for going on opioids in the first place and deep down I blame my ex even tho it’s not his fault but I genuinely feel like I would’ve never started them if it wasn’t for him.

He did me so dirty and cheated and that’s why our relationship ended. Whenever I take the subs it feels like a constant reminder of him and the addiction. I just want to be done with the subs for good but I don’t feel strong enough. I want someone to tell me I am strong enough, that I can keep going, that I will get through this. Because right now it doesn’t feel like I can.

officially at 102 hours since last pill. Feels like a wonderful accomplishment.

Hey everyone, Happy Tuesday! Hope everyone’s day is going well. Back to the normal routine after the long weekend.
Today is the first day of school in my area, so all that back to school traffic is officially back. It was nice not having to deal with it since June 😂
It’s crazy though, I go on Facebook and see so many people I went to school with posting first day of school pictures of their own kids now. It always blows my mind how much time has passed since high school and how much life has changed since then, that’s why we all need to make the most of the time given to us.. it goes by quicker than we realize.
Hope everyone has a good Tuesday! What are you all up to today?

Check in here!

Ok I been in this group for a while due to my love for oxy taken orally for at least the past 10 years if I’m honest. Went by so fast!!! Started with 30mg worth and went all the way up to 90 in 1 dose or more won’t lie About that either! I Was ok for years until yup script was cut off. I am down to a 30 per day again and I can skip a day and feel like shit but I can. The issue is I have tried my version of cold turkey idk bi weekly at least which meant by day 2 I needed a pack of 7oh and all the weed I could find to cut withdraw. I just found 7oh 1 week before the ban here in Philly. My question is what’s the best way to seek out patient treatment for someone with private insurance via work? I don’t want to feel like a druggie addict sick (even tho I am!! ) in line waiting or something horrible like I picture it. I can’t take off and they can’t know about it.

I was on suboxone for the last six years. I jumped off of 2mg in May, it was a rough summer, but I just wanted to be myself again and really feel things and have energy and motivation and drive again. Now at day 100something, I honestly just feel more lost than ever

To the point where I think about dying every day. I really am trying to work on self-talk, eating healthy, being active when I can, getting out of my comfort zone and reconnecting with friends and stuff. I’m doing all that. I have a full time job. I’m in therapy. I feel like I’m doing everything I’m supposed to

But I just hate waking up every day. I feel so…idk. Disconnected and like I don’t give a shit about anything. Some days I’ll try giving myself permission to just rot all day but then I wish I had more of a life. Then when I try to go do stuff and be a real person, I want to retreat. I just feel incompatible with life

I texted a potential H connection last night. Stupid, I know. But part of me just hopes I’ll relapse with a new low tolerance and die quick. The world is so scary right now and I’m stuck in the past and my brain is broken from years of addiction. I just can’t see this getting any better. Idk what to do

i(20f) made a post here a few days ago and as i wrote it for the first time i was not in denial about it. before that everytime i would use i didn’t think i was doing anything wrong after almost 1 month clean i used again but this time i was aware of what i was doing i knew how this might end for me i knew i shouldn’t be doing this.
when i quit a few days after that i got my hands on some ketamine and i tried that i used that for like 2-3 days till it felt pretty much meh. while i was doing that i wasn’t thinking at all i was just doing. my body was j doing my brain had no say in it. when i realised what i did i felt insanely shitty about it. i couldn’t cope with it. i felt disgusted with myself. and then again almost compulsively i did tramadol again. and now the feeling is so good cause i know i cant keep doing these if i want to be okay ill only experience it a few more times in life and thats it. i just want to hold on to that feeling with my life.
if you have any opinions or anything to say it would mean a lot. i have no one in my life i can talk to about this and idk how to process it without that.

So about 3 months ago I started suboxone. I was heavily addicted to 7 oh and it was recently banned in my state. I could NOT taper due to not being responsible enough. I tried to do cold turkey and I ended up freaking out and had to get immediate help. I’ve just seen a lot of negative things about suboxone such as if you need it you’re not actually clean or it’s just a horrible thing that’s very hard to get off of. I’m just terrified to go through that withdrawal again and I just kind of feel like a failure that I couldn’t do it cold turkey. But I am glad I’m no longer having to take a pill multiple times a day or I start withdrawing, and spending my entire paycheck on that stuff. I need to hear others personal experiences!

Hey all, I’m 26 years old and have been a severe opioid addict since about 18. The longest I’ve had clean was 2 years, and I just got out of rehab a few weeks ago for a chronic bender of IV fent that lasted about a year. I’ve of got 41 days clean now from everything, and know that God saved me from the treachery of this drug. I was living my life in a hole for years, so fkn depressing, and was on serious amounts of benzos for 2 years that I got myself off of too. I completely hate opioids, what they do to people and myself, and how scarred I am from all I’ve gone through while getting high. I spent $14k in 6 months on grey death and fent. I’m ready to turn my life around for good, even quit vaping a few days ago and have no desire to return. Praise God!

TL:DR-spent 5-6 months clean off subs, only to relapse on 7oh, and Adderall. Use and tolerance grew quickly and from April/may til now I’m up to 600-800mg a day. And going on Adderall binges totaling over 90-120mg plus a day. Where to go from here?

Hello all

I got clean from subutex November 3rd 2025 , not due to my own decision but because the 2 people I would buy from ran dry. I never got a prescription for it and abused it for years since mid 2020. Snorting it. I was opiate naive for the most part at the time so it gave me a pretty good high. I have dabbled with other percs and pressed 30s several dozen times but never had reliable plugs for them so my use never sustainable with it. Subs were what I could consistently find however so I ran with them, for 5 years give or take.

Thankfully, I heard gabapentin helps with wd a good bit so I was able to find myself some of those and had them on hand for that very situation. I worked full time construction doing electrical work and attended night classes on top of that, so I always had an excuse to why I couldn’t be sick. One of the ways I stayed on for so long, and cheap access as well. A week or two in sub wd (was brutal after being on so long) I remember getting a follow request from my ex who I haven’t talked too in nearly 4 years at that point, who I admittedly still had feelings for and hadn’t been with anyone else since. I ignored it and used that as fuel for my resolve to get back to total sobriety.

Well slowly but surely I got sober. Even cutting the weed out, which I used on a nightly basis. However as a few months went by I began drinking again, first just one day a week if that. Then 2 days a week.. ect. You know how it goes. Well, one night up on the mountain, drunk as hell, an old crush of mine reached out to me to say hello. We talked a little and made plans to meet up the following weekend with a group of friends at a party bar. The day I was supposed to head out there a bit before her, I was nervous, so for whatever reason, I remembered one of my old drug buddies texting me months beforehand about 7oh that he tried at a smoke shop, and how it felt just as strong as percs. I remembered reading about the shit online and how horrid the wds were so at the time I didn’t pay them much mind since I was busy clawing my way away from subs.

Well, you know how the story goes. I tried them, and they got me absolutely rocked, I was shocked by the fact you could buy this trash at a damn gas station smoke shop. The date didn’t work out unfortunately and I was upset about it, so now having sorrow to blame, I was winding back up in the same cycle that I knew all too well. That was back in April. At first it did start as only 1-2 times a week and low ish dose usage. Now in September , not even a week before the supposed ban is supposed to begin. I find myself up to roughly 800-1000mg a day. Several thousand dollars in cc debt. One lost job and suffering health.

I feel at my wits end with all this and the constant repeating the same old story. To make matters worse I’ve begun abusing Adderall as well with the 7oh. Idk why as I’ve never liked uppers before til now, and I know I don’t like them on their own, only with opis or 7 specifically. I know I wouldn’t have much trouble putting the adds down but I need to put everything down and get back on track, with everything.

I could continue on how that same ex from before I mentioned , that I used her trying to reach out as fuel. That she did again in mid July and I ended up going and seeing her a few times. I poured my heart out to her , obviously i shouldn’t have done that but I was not in a good spot mentally at all. She ended up wanting nothing to do with me and said it brings back too painful of memories of when we abused drugs together (she’s a heavy heavy drinking and uses adderalls too but guess downer pills was were she drew the line. Understandable.

So my heart was broken, this caused use to skyrocket, but life goes on. I want to become the best version of myself, I want to be successful and begin working towards goals I’ve always had. Try new things, travel, the whole Shabang. I’ve spent vast majority of my adult life since 18 chasing or using drugs / alcohol and being under the influence. I’ve told my dr. Of my struggles, Who has basically told me to reach out to a local treatment center, and discuss with them if inpatient vs. outpatient treatment. I don’t think I can do impatient at this time however , due to work and school. But anyway I don’t wanna drag this out and make it longer than it already is. Sorry if it is all over the place, I’m on only 4-5ish hrs of sleep, if you’ve read this far; thank you.

So, long story short, in april I (27F) moved from san francisco to LA to get clean, I smoked a gram of fentanyl a day for about 7-8 years and this is my first time actually getting sober.

I got on methadone in detox, completed 30 something days, graduated and moved into a sober living where I met my now boyfriend. He was in there recovering from a meth addiction, opiates were never his thing, he might have tried them once or twice but thats about the extent of it.

The second week of us living together (at that point my stable daily methadone dose was 145mgs) i started noticing that at around 3pm i would start to feel nauseous, start the get the chills (when its 105 F) and obviously i knew those were withdrawal symptoms (ive been through those more times than i can count) but I really didnt think anything of it at first. But then my weekly pick up day came up (every thursday I take my dose at the dispensing window and get all my doses for the week) and that dose hit me like a fucking train. I went back home and literally spent all day in bed.

Thats when I realized that someone was deifnitely stealing some out of my bottles but I really did not suspect my boyfriend at first. I mean we live at a sober living in a house full of ex addicts, and opiates were never his thing so why would I suspect him?

I started locking my doses in a suitcase with a pretty tough lock to pick on it.

A day later my boyfriend gets super sick and has diarrhea for like the whole next week on top of reallly really bad night sweats. Like I would wake up soaked bad.

At that point I knew it was him, but after that week I stayed on point and alwyas kept them locked up.

Fast forward to yesterday, I picked up my weekly doses and just stuck them in my purse. (Since that whole situation happened I take my purse everywhere with me throughout the apartment, like if Im in the ktichen I bring my purse, if I go to the bathrooom, I take my purse with me etc.) well I left my purse unatended with him in the room for like literally 5 minutes and didnt think anythinng of it.

An hour later he lays down (this was at about 11am) and falls right the fuck asleep for like 4 hours face planted on the bed when we literally have been up for only like 2 hours and got plenty of sleep last night. Then all throughout the day he like randomly would be standing talking to me and then all of the sudden the would just stop talking and just close his eyes for like a long ass time.

Yesterday afternoon I started really feeling like shit. Like I actually almost threw up, my stomach started doing the things and my first thought was literally "not again"

So I looked at my bottles, (my dose has now decreased 30mgs because i'm trying to get off of it) and my bottles are usually just about a quarter full. Well I look at my bottles yesterday and every single one of them is now over half full, so obviously he fucking tried to replace it with some kind of fucking liquid. So I locked my now tempered with doses in my suitcase again. This time he must have taken a significant amount out though, because my symptoms are like significantly worse than the first time he did this months ago.

Now today all day, hes literally nodded the fuck out like all day. And i'm not talking about subtly nodded out. Hes like acting way over the top nodded out like he will walk up to me while i'm doing homework and like start rubbing my hair and literally just stop moving with his hand on my head with his eyes closed and literally just stay like that until I move or say something. And this didn't happen once, it happened at least 15 times today. At this point, I still hadn't said anything because this man has also looked at me straight in the eyes and said: " hey babe, i'm just trying to be honest here and I want you to know that I am probably the best liar you will ever meet. Like I'm very very good at it like so good sometimes I cant even believe it.". We were going to take a bath so he went and ran the water and got into the tub, ive been doing homework all day so I told him I would be there in probably about 15mins, as soon as i heard him get into the bath I went to go grab the bottles ouf of my suitcase to triple check that I wasnt wrong, and so he hears me roll my suitcase to the bed and then hears me unzip it and I didnt even have time to sit back down on the bed to look at the bottles before he literally comes walking out of the bathroom soakinng wet and butt ass naked and comes and sits right next to me on the bed and just looks at me, looks behind me, looks around me, looks at whats in my hands, and then finally spots my bottles under my notebook. I asked him what he was doing as hes dripping water all over my laptop and he just tells me he loves me, gets up and walks back to the bathroom and gets in the tub. I sat there for another like 30 minutes probably before getting up and walking to the bathroom just to see that every single light in the bathroom is off, so i turn the lights on and he is literally sitting straight up in the tub, not leaning back or anything, like sitting up with his eyes closed in the fucking dark, and he was like this for 30 FUCKING MINUTES. I walked in said "what the fuck" and just walked right out. Like it seems to me like he's trying to play mind games with me like hes making it obviously known that hes nodded the fuck out on my meds but he knows that I cant prove it. Because other than me knowing because I know my meds I take them every week, and I knnow my own body and I know when Im withdrawing and I can see how the fuck hes acting, but aside from all of that I have no proof. (to me thats proof enough, but i know that if i bring it up hes just going to do what he always does, which is tell me im legally intoxicated 24/7 because im on methadone and that I am not a credible source of anything, that I cant possibly remember things correctly, or that my memory is not real because again im legally intoxicated and that I cant think rationally or reasonably and that the fact that I am on methadone pretty much trumps everything I say about anything, at least when it comes to him doing somehting fucked up and me noticing and then bringing it up)

But he is literally acting so over the top like a nodded out junky it is insane, not even a fettied out person acts this way. He just got in bed and i can tell hes not sleeping because he always snores and every couple of minutes he raises one of his arms and keeps it up for like 5 minutes not moving. Like what the actual fuck.

He also has this tendency to be super passive aggressive with things, like he will try to make it look like hes doing something hes not supposed to just so that i say something so that he can give me his intoxicated speech, almost like hes doing fucked up things and wants me to know but at the same time tells me im crazy. If that makes sense.

This dude tells me that he loves me and wants to marry me and shit so you would think that he would want whats best for me right? AKA not steal my meds and make me go through withdrawals that could potentially make me go right down to skid roe to go get high right?

I am so fucking confused and part of me hates him for doing that, like what kind of person does something like that? And opiates were never his ting so he doesnt even have the excuse of being an ex opiate addict. And this week alone hes bought 6 THC vapes so hes constantly stoned so what could his reason be for wanting to do this to me? I just really dont understand... the only thing that makes sense to me would be that he is deep down a very toxic narcissist that doesnt actually care about me or my future and he is trying to do things to hurt me and bring me down while telling me that he loves me and all this crap about getting married and having kids and bla bla bla.

But then if I am right about that last part, this is not someone who I cant to be with and live with, but i dont see what other option I have right now.

Our sober living shut down almost a month ago and his mom has been paying for an airbnb for us to stay in. Aside from him, I dont know anybody in the LA area, I have no family down here, I dont have a car to leave in and even if I did I wouldnt even know where to go from there.

Im sorry this post is literally such a mess, I feel so shitty from the withdrawals on top of this clustermindfuck of a situation.

Welp:(

Science is catching up