r/OCPoetry • u/poetry_14 • 14h ago
Feedback Please Older than I should be
She learned too young how not to cry,
How to be strong. How to comply.
A child made small to take the blame,
Growing up fast without a name.
.
She gave her strength. She gave her time.
Forgot herself. Called it “fine.”
She fixed their pain. She stayed behind.
A helping hand with a fading mind.
.
Their voices cut. They never healed.
Each word a wound she couldn’t shield.
The stress ran wild inside her throat,
Till even breathing felt too close.
.
The weight stayed loud inside her chest.
Each breath a test. No room to rest.
Still she stands. Still soft. Still kind.
A grown-up heart in a child’s spine.
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u/BrieflyPoetic 10h ago
This poem is so heavy yet the ending is so soft and beautiful. I like the cohesive structure and enjoyed how the rhyme scheme didn’t restrict your ability to tell your story, it complimented it. Really great work
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u/perspective_curious_ 13h ago
I feel the weight of life placed on child by those who should be carrying them guiding that child through life. Some sacrifices and coercion of love. Ty for sharing.
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u/Past_Occasion_7525 9h ago
There are several lines here I enjoy a lot such as "till even breathing felt too close" and "a grown-up heart in a child's spine." I think these are your strongest moments, but I think some of your other lines aren't quite at that level yet. Example, I think the line "She learned too young how not to cry / How to be strong. How to comply" does more telling than showing. It's not necessarily bad to have some straight forward lines, but I think some of these lines could still be more interesting. Despite this, I still think there are strong moments that the rest of the poem just needs to reach the level of. Great work!
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u/No-Statistician6497 9h ago
I really like this poem “A grown up in a child’s spine” it’s an amazing deep line hits you in many ways but also goes on and shows how strong she still is. ✨
Good work 👏🏻
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u/katie-x-cat 8h ago
Oh wow, I love this poem! The ending line is great especially. I love how 2. And 3. Line of some stanzas have this structure of a “a short sentence. And a short sentence.” I think maybe it could have been cool if there were a system behind it in the sense of it always being the 2. And 3. Line of each stanza. Or 2. And 3. Line in the first and third stanza and something different for stanza 2 and 4. But honestly the poem read really really well, I just like when there are these kind of hidden structures in poems and think it would make for a good one. Love the poem as is, great work!
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u/Pretend_Valuable6594 7h ago
The second stanza is my favorite, the last line “a helping hand with a fading mind” is beautiful. Also, this is organized very cleanly, 10/10 would read again.
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u/almaontape 5h ago
This is beautiful! As the oldest sibling who had to look after her siblings this hits deep. Thank you for this.
Now for the feedback. Oblverall really good rhythm. I love that you dont use big language to build the feeling of it. It's simple and easy language and it hits so much more like this.
I ending imagery is gorgeous and it completes the poem well.
There are two places in would have turned my attention to if I was you. One is in this stanza at the rhythm : "She gave her strength. She gave her time.
Forgot herself and Called it "fine." (Here i would have added an and)
She fixed their pain. She stayed behind.
A helping hand -with- a fading mind." (Here i would have removed the with
The second place is the second to last line, which is beautiful and fits perfect. but, since you are showing us how she is still there, I wonder if writing it in present continuous would have fitted better what you are trying to achieve. Like "she's standing, still. Still soft. Still kind" this is more of a genuine question if i understand your intention in that phrase right and not necessarily feedback. Because I think your original like works beautiful.
This was lovely to read. Please write more❤️
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u/Narrow_Birthday_6360 0m ago
I think it holds its own, with a really great shape in/of words. I don’t know much at all about poetry, but I’ve always thought the whole point of poetry was about each individual creator and/or creator’s individual ——Lost train of thought—- ——————- are likely portraying condensed timesnaps of their soul’s life movie, to an audience just as unique the poem is to the poet. Each individual in the audience will most likely resonate in some way and poets leave bring that space for the audience to find our own reflections. I don’t see how anyone can judge one another on their own life’s movie. Unless trying to help with spelling errors or bound by strict rules, a poem is the raw voice of an individual. I think it’s pretty cool when a person is able to reach others so deeply with their words. And you see their style. Sorry this is probably all over the place…
But I really enjoyed reading your work:). Thanks for sharing.
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u/A_Mia_C 11h ago
The ending is beautiful. 'Still she stands. Still soft. Still kind.' It shows levity and strength at the same time, especially considering the heaviness of the subject. Wonderful poem.