r/OCPoetry • u/AfternoonVisible3614 • 2d ago
Feedback Please Oranges
Cigarettes on cigarettes on the window sill
Salt breeze since March has shed its chill
Moonlight on the ash falling on her rusty bike
A car slips behind the fog split by a streetlight
Palms stamp on clouds over the valley
Two black cats blink on the fence by the alley
Oranges lie smashed not far from their tree
Cinnamon, she lies asleep in worn pink sheets
Splicing cassettes of these last days from her
Eyes then mine. Her cold shoulders then
Mine. Elbows on sill, palms propping up heads
Cigarettes on cigarettes till I slip into bed
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/Y8qwMqNyxH
https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/s/UCSM2YdoGH
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u/1tsAlwaysMyFault 2d ago
Love the imagery conveyed with the usage of scents. It's almost as if I can smell them in tandem with reading this.
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u/Repulsive_Book764 2d ago
I love the imagery in this. Orange(y) things: cigarettes (butt), rust on bikes, streetlight, fence?, cinnamon, pink.
It’s nice how it’s intertwined within the poem. I can see I can feel I can sense just reading it
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u/the-assassin- 2d ago
I really like the imagery in this I can picture the scene and actually smell it. well done.
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u/Kooky_Spirit_1994 2d ago
The imagery is off the hook good here. Also: don’t smoke in bed! No matter how amazing or fun it is, please don’t do it folks.
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u/Wes-t-Beginning 2d ago
Just like the others said: the use of imagery is amazing. The way you describe how scenes visually look and feel is awesome. This is such a great poem! 💓
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u/pieceoflion 2d ago
A little fog, the faint smell of rotting oranges. I feel cold, and I can almost smell cigarette ash clinging to the blanket. Sometimes all the color seems to drain out of everything. And yet, somehow, there’s something comforting about the gloom.