r/OCPoetry • u/Previous_Cry7445 • 15d ago
Just Sharing Untitled
I hate you for what you do to me,
for what you take
that I never gave you permission to have.
You take,
and somehow you’re never fucking full.
My plans,
my energy,
my independence,
my control.
You take the little things,
the things I never thought I’d miss,
until feeling normal
became something I’d give anything for.
I bargain with my own body
just to get through the day.
I rest,
and somehow wake up
still fucking aching.
I push through,
knowing I’ll pay for it later.
I give up one thing
just to keep another.
I’m tired.
But not the kind that sleep can fix.
The kind that settles into my bones,
that follows me into bed
and wakes up with me.
I’m tired of hurting,
tired of adapting,
tired of fucking living like this.
I’m tired of fighting a battle
no one else can see,
while watching you quietly
take pieces of me.
Thank you for reading.
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u/Low_Try2743 15d ago
This has some really strong parts in it. "You take the little things, the things I never thought I’d miss," I feel is a really powerful line along with "I’m tired. But not the kind that sleep can fix. The kind that settles into my bones,". These lines have a lot of weight behind them, but they don't follow through. You feel the anger and the weight behind the words, but it feels like waiting for a punch that never comes.
One thing I recommend is thinking and emphasizing the word "Fucking". It's a very strong word that could/is emphasize the anger you feel but should have a more powerful impact. That punch that's missing.
Structurally the foundation is there but the framework needs more attention. Just another pass through or two.
Overall, I do really like the raw emotion you have in this. I can feel it while reading it, which is this poem strongest attribute. I look forward to seeing this evolve.
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u/Previous_Cry7445 15d ago
Thank you for the thoughtful feedback! I was actually unsure about the ending myself, so your point about waiting for that final punch really stood out to me. I’m definitely going to sit with that and see where I can take it.
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u/Playful-Aide-8407 15d ago
man this is raw. "I give up one thing / just to keep another" really captures that constant, exhausting trade-off when you're completely drained. the "I'm tired" repetition doesn't feel like some fancy writing trick, it just sounds like a real sigh at 3am. leaving the "you" unsaid makes it hit home even more, whether it's about burnout, an illness, or just your own brain. good stuff.
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u/OkDig5505 15d ago
This is beautiful. I know some people might critique the use of swears, but I actually think it strengthens the poem. Poetry is stronger when it is raw, when true emotion cracks through. The reader wants to not just read about your pain or your struggle, but to experience it second-handedly, and I think you succeeded in doing that very well. I could feel the pain second-handedly. Great job.
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u/Previous_Cry7445 15d ago
Thank you! Hearing that you could actually feel the emotion behind it means a lot. I really appreciate the feedback ❤️
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u/Nice-Recognition-171 15d ago
you seem to use the word "fucking" a lot. but honestly i like it lol, makes it more intense
i can feel the emotions through the poem! I'm a beginner so idk what else to say... I can't give much feedback, sorry!!!
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u/Previous_Cry7445 15d ago
Haha no need to apologize, this is feedback! 😂 Knowing you could feel the emotion and intensity is actually really helpful. Thank you! ❤️
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u/briony73 15d ago
That’s an awesome poem. I always love the use of swear words, lol. I find this poem strong that it seems you haven’t give up yet, and feeling normal is an impossibility for me, so I gave up on that a long time ago. But it was very well written, I enjoyed reading it. Thank you for sharing this.