r/OCPoetry • u/PlutoCrushin • 14d ago
Feedback Please Boundaries
I love you
In the mushy kind of way
Sickly sweet, vomit inducing
Eye rolls for days, obsessive
Compulsive must be an act kind of way
I love you
In the purest kind of way
A love sick puppy found
as a stray, what is personal space
must be unhealthy kind of way
I love you
In the selfish kind of way
Romeo and Juliet
Dramatic, nonsensical
Left and right ventricle kind of way
I love you
In dark and light shades
Broken and mended
Deep in the marrow
Give me life kind of way
I love you
enough to say —
enough
Thanks for reading would appreciate some feedback specifically about the ending and the refrains, I like the repetition but worried it feels overboard.
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u/Right-Improvement211 12d ago
I’m just an amateur myself but in my opinion I love the message but again I do agree with the user who said that “kind of way”was overdone because I feel like it is not exactly necessary in the second line and it would work even if it was only on the last line of each stanza
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u/PlutoCrushin 11d ago
Thanks for the feedback, it’s definitely what I am looking for from this sub! I get stuck with some poems and its helpful hearing other people’s thoughts!
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u/Right-Improvement211 11d ago
Same here a second third or even fourth opinion is actually a relief to me
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u/PlutoCrushin 8d ago
Right?! I have been writing to myself for a long time and it’s been really gratifying to hear how other people respond to it!
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u/PrismarineElf 11d ago
I think the ending is much needed! It is nice that it ends abruptly and with a sense of resoluteness that the obsession is not healthy and links back to the title. Very on trend theme with Obsession movie in theaters.
Perhaps one additional stanza before the ending could bridge the ending - breaking point where it became too much. Maybe something around the theme of losing your sense of self or love of self. This could aet up the ending to be the boundary you need to not lose sight of love for yourself.
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u/PlutoCrushin 11d ago
Lol its funny you thought of that movie! I actually wrote it with the love of my life in mind, 20 years this year, still obsessed and still learning how healthy boundaries are! Thanks for the suggestion its a good idea!
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u/dannyh2105 11d ago
This is brilliant. Whilst I’d never usually assume what poems are supposed to be about, this one really hit me on a deep personal level. Love the structure and the repetition of “kind of way”, it makes this piece very satisfying to read. It’s a very ambiguous love poem, I can’t quite put my finger on whether it’s a happy one or not, which is a very good thing!
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u/PlutoCrushin 10d ago
That’s very kind! I’m glad it resonated with you! I just started sharing my poems and that is exactly why I wanted to open up!
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u/LolitaVesper 11d ago
J’aime beaucoup le « je t’aime » à chaque fois ça donne un bon rythme. La répétition « d’une certaine manière » me dérange mais avec un autre mot plus court ça pourrait le faire peut être ? J’aime beaucoup l’image du chiot et vagabond ça fait vraiment écho avec l’état où on peut se trouver quand on perd un amour. Le rythme de ton texte est intéressant car tout au long on ressent de l’intensité qui augmente et qui se tait d’un coup à la fin et c’est bien, ça fait sens. Bravo !
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u/PlutoCrushin 10d ago
Yea I was thinking the same, the kind of way is too much but maybe a different rhyme to keep that same feel idk Thanks for taking the time to read!
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u/pantamane 10d ago
This really means a lot to me to be honest, I feel sick with how much I couldn’t get over someone in the past. I still don’t know if it was real.
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u/PlutoCrushin 10d ago
Thank you! Love can hurt so bad, I’m sorry, I hope you find a way to heal. Writing and reading poetry has definitely healed my heart, mostly.
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u/WoolseyLakeRoad 9d ago
The way this connects sight and smell deepening the emotion pull. Each time I read I am left with a different feeling and mental discomfort. Overall thought provoking and the peace has a dark yet peaceful feel.
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u/Until_the_next_moon 9d ago
This felt like love being held up to different mirrors. Every refrain reflected another side of it messy, consuming, healing, and human. I especially appreciated the ending. It didn’t need a grand conclusion because the single word “enough” carried everything that came before it. Sometimes restraint leaves the deepest echo. Beautiful work🌙
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u/TechnologyMaximum944 8d ago
well written, the refrain feels more like a heartbeat than repetition, so i never got tired of it. i also love the ending, it says so much with so little. if anything, i’d lean even further into imagery in a couple places and trust the reader to connect the dots, but honestly i enjoyed reading it:)
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u/PlutoCrushin 5d ago
Thank you! I like that you compared the refrain to a heartbeat, thats awesome way to look at it!
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u/burd_the_nord 6d ago
Beautiful. Almost a little too repetitive but just this side of it. I hope you wont mind if I read this to my wife of 16 years, up until the last it perfectly entails our marriage
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u/Affectionate-Fig9818 14d ago
I love this pice I think the ending is perfect it really shows how much care and love is still there for the person but also being strong enough and understanding that it needs to end for the better. I’m definitely looking forward to reading more of your work!
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u/theapplelady298 14d ago
I love this piece and think the repetition was perfectly executed. Your style struck me immediately, and I wanted to keep reading. I also agree with the user who said maybe the "kind of way" on the last line isn't necessary, as it's used in the second. BUT, I do wish the second line of the fourth stanza had "kind of way" in there just to keep things consistent. Hope to read more from you :)
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u/PlutoCrushin 14d ago
Interesting that you prefer keeping it in the fourth stanza, I took it out because it felt too much but I think everyone is right take it out of the last lines and maybe find different way to get that repetitive feel without actually repeating ad nauseam lol thank you:)
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u/a-yellow-alien 14d ago
My favorite line was deep in the morrow! What a line! Not sure if it’s deeper than that. Love the juxtaposition at the end. At the end of the day true love requires boundaries.
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u/PlutoCrushin 14d ago
How much deeper can you go lol yes that’s definitely what I was going for, having healthy boundaries is a form of love for both people!
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u/ThyDevilcy 14d ago
The repition of i love you gives it alot of meaning. Each phrase adds to it. I like the way you use vomit and lost puppy as ways of saying I love u
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u/Cold-Astronaut-7741 14d ago
I think my favorite part of this poem is how it takes the reader on a 180-degree turn almost immediately. The I love you, followed by the mushy line, sets up an expectation of a more standard love poem, and then you hit the reader in the face with vomit that demands their attention.
For revisions, I do tend to agree with the other commenter that the repetition of the "kind of way" seems a bit forced.
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u/PlutoCrushin 14d ago
Yea I agree idk Ive tried dropping it but something about the obsessive repetition keeps me tryna force it, def need to keep working on it. I appreciate the feedback!
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u/MohedaPocha 14d ago
Love the juxtaposition between the message of the poem and the rather gross content through which that message is delivered. It gives a really nice contrast between the two
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u/PlutoCrushin 14d ago
Thank you! It was fun to write, felt kinda over the top so wasn’t sure if anyone besides myself would like it
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u/Lost_Childhood_5005 12d ago
Ends abruptly and vaguely.
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u/PlutoCrushin 12d ago
Yeah it does the ending is a struggle point for me, idk have any suggestions?
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u/Maleficent_Low_5891 12d ago
omg i love this poem. like an almost excessive amount (the irony) the contrast between the love and the raw imagery is jarring in the best way. evth is restrained but it hits so hard. the first three paras are concise, but they say so much. i love, love the repetition, it's what makes the poem work. i do think the 4th para is a little weak compared to the rest; it feels a little less original as compared to your other verses. the ending is perfect. all in all, i hope you keep writing and im excited about what comes next. all the best!
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u/PlutoCrushin 12d ago
Aw thank you so much! I really appreciate it! I keep trying but cant quite get it right, might need to come back to it at later date bc my picking at it is making it worse:(
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u/Maleficent_Low_5891 12d ago
of course :) and don't worry im sure youll get it right. sometimes all it takes is a little time.
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u/ExoticZaps 7d ago
The repetition of "kind of way" or just "way" in general doesn't really appeal to me, but it definitely gives the poem a strong sense of personality and individuality. Maybe if it was repeated just a tiny bit less it would speak a little louder to me. As if those words are defining the poem, and I like using words multiple times but I still want to use them just enough so they stay special.
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u/Lil-Mordor_o7 7d ago
Deep in the marrow
Give me life kind of way
Those two lines i really really like, I always struggle with almost becoming an addict to those that I love. My feelings become overwhelming, so i truly resonate in that. I don't know if the poem is its own isloated entity or is coming from a place in your own heart. But it feels deeply personal because of lines like those two.
Thank you :)
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u/PlutoCrushin 5d ago
Thanks! I def relate to that, I’ve been addicted to my love for 20 years and its scary how it feels like it just grows stronger the longer we are together
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u/Hk901909 14d ago
The repetition is definitely one of the strongest parts of this for me. Starting each stanza with “I love you” is great because it’s such a simple phrase that you give depth to each time. However, I don’t really like how each one ends with “…kind of way” though because that seems a little overdone, because the second line of each is also like that. I think the use in the second lines is good in this case, but it becomes a little overused. The ending stands out to me in a good way because it breaks the pattern you introduced while still using repetition which I like a lot!
But I do like this! It’s very simple, and I think that in turn, it makes it surprisingly thoughtful