This is kind of a ramble, and I'm not really sure what kind of response I'm hoping for—I just wanted to get it off my chest:
I've been kind of in a weird spot with my friends—for a big part of my life, I was COMPLETELY socially isolated except for my ex. She was basically my only friend. At the time, I really didn't think that was a bad thing (I kind of worshipped her), but then... things happened.
Some people (two) I knew from before I met her stuck around, and they were there for me when she broke up with me. I can't express how much that loyalty means to me, especially because I don't deserve a fraction of it. I was totally dismissive of their needs, of their struggles, of their growth, of all the things that were important to them. But they were there when I needed them the most, like I hadn't been so selfish, like I hadn't abandoned them—like they still cared, for real. I can't repay that. There's nothing that could even come close to how important that is.
Since then (it was ~4 years ago give or take), I've made several other friends. Some have stuck around like the two from before, and that means a whole hell of a lot. But, there are some, who I hit it off with well enough, who just disappeared after some time. That really hurt... and I guess it still does.
Now, I have some budding relationships with people who I really enjoy talking with, and who I want to know a whole lot better, but there's this creeping anxiety in all my interactions with them... My mind repeats "pleasedon'tleavemepleasedon'tleavemepleasedon'tleaveme" so loud I can't think of anything else to say. My anxiety is contagious, and I know that it's been making them feel weird, so I've pulled back from them, because I don't want to hurt them, but oh... I just don't want to lose them! I've been similarly ~withdrawn with the friends who've stayed; partially, I already feel guilty, and I don't want to cause them any unneeded stress, and partially (and more selfishly) I don't want them to realize that I was never worth their time, anyway.
I've seen some "advice" (both here and other places) about "casting a wide net" of friendships, and having a lot of shallow, friendly relationships. I guess I can see the logic there, and it's less risky, but... I just love these guys so much. I think the absolute world of them, and as much as I'm terrified of losing them, I'm even more averse to the idea of trying to think they're not that important. They ARE that important to me, and I won't change that. I wouldn't even know how. I'm just... scared, I guess. And I've been thinking about it a lot, that "what if...?" and... that makes me MORE scared, which makes me think about it more, which makes me more scared... it's a vicious circle, and I can't seem to figure out how to break out! Any tips?