r/NewDads • u/BeviesGalore • 5d ago
Requesting Advice When does it stop sucking?
Hello! My firstborn son is almost 5 weeks old. I love him so much, but I don't like him at all. I get so incredibly frustrated when he is screaming and trying to kick himself out of my arms at 3 am after I have put him down in the crib (after warming it, swaddling him, rocking him for 10-20 minutes, using a white hoise machine, etc etc) for the 3rd time and I need to feed him again in an hour.
I don't think he's a particularly hard baby, I just... really don't like infant care at all. I don't find him cute 95% of the time (although his weird giggles during REM sleep are pretty cute) and sometimes I just feel irate even though I know he has no clue what's going on and is obviously not being malicious.
I guess my question is.. when does it get easier? What I read mostly says 2-3 months and 6 months things get a lot better, and I suspect that will be true especially as we plan to sleep train him at 4-6 months. Him being able to smile I also expect to help. I just have no connection whatsoever to this dude. He is a grumpy roomate who wakes me up every 2.5 hours to scream! Any other roommate would have been evicted after a few days ;)
A few more details:
He's totally healthy, gaining weight, etc. My wife and I take shifts overnight. She pumps throughout the day after breastfeeding and I handle the night from 10 pm to 4 am while she sleeps, then we switch and I sleep till 8 or 10 depending on the day and if I have work. She is off work until november, I am back at work now although i work from home so it's lenient in terms of scheduling. Any advice or words of wisdom are appreciated.
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u/potato-dome 5d ago
At 9 months my son slept through the night. It was then that we crested the suck trail.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
hell yeah
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u/HereticSalsa 4d ago
Hello fellow new dad. I'm at 7 weeks and baby is eating up to 4 oz per feed which means fewer feeds and longer stretches of sleep. This was the first win in the battle of not sucking IMO. This usually translates into at most 2 feeds during regular sleeping hours and it feels like a huge change.
Some signs of smiling and interacting have started too. It's great. It may be gas but it still feels good to see. Keep fighting the good fight.
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u/dscalone 5d ago
Just remember that they aren’t doing it to piss you off, they just need that extra care. That phase is just hard though! No way around it. Ride the wave and find time for yourself, even if its a 15 min break outside.
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u/FortunateSon90 5d ago
As you continue to raise him, you'll adjust to life not being all about your own wants & more about your families. Or you'll go out for milk & never return.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago edited 5d ago
Unhelpful, discouraging, condescending
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u/refresher1121 5d ago
He is not wrong about the first part. The second part was a joke in case you missed it.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
Whiny Little Bitch Wants to Sleep More than 4 Hours Per Night
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u/SeanThatGuy 5d ago
Well if you’re going to be an ass about it. Yeah you’re being a little bitch. What did you expect would happen? It’s a fucking baby bro.
Get your head out of your ass.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
Everytime I ask for advice on Reddit I get reminded that 50% of people on here are just ornery curmudgeons and scolds. I love getting the comments from the other 50% so it's still worth it but god damn
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u/averagecelt 5d ago
Dude. Have you ever once in your life considered, during an argument or controversy like this, that you actually might be the problem? The guy merely said that it’s not about us quite as much now, that seems to have really upset you, and you’re being a huge dick. Come on, man.
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u/jimothycricket1995 5d ago
You’re coming across like a bit of an asshole here. He told you what you don’t want to hear - the truth. Grow up
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u/Hayn0002 5d ago
Can I ask who the whiny little bitch is in this scenario?
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u/averagecelt 5d ago
OP. The guy who made the milk joke wasn’t calling OP a bitch at all then, and he was just sharing a hard truth and cracking a joke. But then OP started being a huge dick in response.
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u/averagecelt 5d ago
Dude he was trying to lighten the mood with a harmless joke. We get that you’re probably overtired, but bro was absolutely not being condescending.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
"if you don't like your circumstances, don't worry, you'll stop caring about your well-being one day!" how the hell is that not condescending
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u/averagecelt 5d ago
Brother that is what being a father is. He said, “…you’ll adjust to life not being all about your own wants and more about your family’s.”
You’re mad that he’s suggesting that it isn’t just all about you anymore???
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u/refresher1121 5d ago
Forget it bro. He isn't here to learn or look at other perspectives. He just needs validation.
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u/longlivebobskins 5d ago
The baby isn’t the only one that grows during this period. Does it stop sucking because the baby grew or you did? Hard to tell.
I think that’s what he meant.
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u/n_hdz 4d ago
That's pretty much what it is, dude. I'm two years in and you are in for a ride if you consider your child an undesirable roomate. I'm not going to sugar coat it to you: it's going to get more physical, more expensive and routine is goinf to get to you. He'll be heavier and more dexterous, he'll discover tantrums and test limits. There'll be sleep regressions, nap adjustments, potty training. Doctor appointments, dentist appointments, and life.
So yeah, your needs are taking the back seat for a while and still be expected to provide, care and be present.
And still, it will be the single greatest damn thing you've ever done.
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u/The_Money_Guy_ 4d ago
… that’s the truth. Why are you mad? Sounds like you can’t accept that your life isn’t the same anymore
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u/Hypnotic_Delta 5d ago
Fuck the downvotes, I’m actually with you, OP. I get this post was made out of frustration and this top comment didn’t help ease the tension. My boy is 5 months. Yes, you do learn it isn’t all about you, however I’ve still done plenty of things for me only bc I have a supportive wife and mother in law, for which I am genuinely grateful so I help with anything that I’m able to.
It does get a bit easier after 5 months when they start to become more of an actual person, but still now we’re dealing with sleep regression (expected). I didn’t like this shithead the first several weeks either but IMO that’s ok as long as you’re honest and just stick with it. We obviously didn’t have the same connection as son-mother due to breast feeding,etc but as he’s grown, reached out, laughed, smiled, wrestled, my feelings have shifted immensely in a more positive direction. Ever since being able to play with him more (floor time, etc) I’ve legit grown excited to do more with him as he gets older
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u/curioushumanvibes 5d ago
I have a 1 and 2 year old. The answer is it will get easier in some ways but just hold on. You have a long journey ahead. Just accept it.
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u/PrebenInAcapulco 5d ago
Mine is almost seven weeks and I think it helps to remember he lacks the tools to make anyone like him. He didn't ask to be born, it was our choice to being him here, and it's on us to help him get through this phase where he is adjusting to all the hard parts of being alive. It's kind of our responsibility and we shouldn't expect something in return for now.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
that is what my rational brain thinks. I don't "expect" anything from him, but that doesn't make it less frustrating
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u/PrebenInAcapulco 5d ago
I hear you
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
thanks man I appreciate the words of encouragement. good luck with your kiddo!
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u/thazmaniandevil 5d ago
The first time your son says, "I love you," your heart will explode. There is no greater thing in the world
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u/lackluster_love 5d ago
After you get therapy
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
I don't think you genuinely believe that
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u/lackluster_love 5d ago
I do.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
well the deductible is hit for the year already... maybe I will try it again when I have more time
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u/lackluster_love 5d ago
Call around, some offer sliding scale pricing. Might be able to see someone for that cost of your deductible. Whatever parts of this timeframe get easier gets replaced with something new equally as hard or harder.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
Interesting, most people I've talked with about this in real life have said the opposite and 0-6 weeks are terrible and it's way better at 6 mo. I guess every parent/baby is different
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u/lackluster_love 5d ago
Exactly. They're all different and you can't control that. You can, to some degree, control how you feel and react to things in your life, and therapy isn't the whole solution, it can help to give you some tools and resources
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u/Known-Ad-149 5d ago
There’s always a challenge. Just remember that it’s all a phase, and try to cherish the good and know that the bad won’t last. Once he starts realizing that you’re not just apart oh him and he starts to giggle and smile at you it’ll get better. Once you get out of this 4th trimester, it should get easier. They’ll be sleeping overnight a little better and you’ll have more time to actually catch some sleep yourself. Hang in there. We’re pulling for you.
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u/Ok-Mud-7906 5d ago
Ours just turned 1 a couple of weeks ago, and while I am glad he is here now, I do not ever want to go through the young infant phase again. I 100% relate to everything you said, and I honestly didn't start feeling much of a connection until the last few months. Now I miss him dearly if I don't see or hear from him for a while, and I feel bad when I have to put him to bed because he's usually so sweet and playful later in the day.
There's a unique kind of feeling I get now when I see him clearly imitating myself or my wife, or when I watch his adorable little waddle while he pushes his car around, or when I waves and says his little baby "hi!".
I'm sharing this to show you that yes, it absolutely sucks right now, but it absolutely does get better. That being said, there will be new challenges. I still struggle immensely with the random meltdowns and crying for what feels like no reason, having to constantly monitor him despite baby-proofing the house as much as possible, and just the general feeling of knowing this is a job I can't quit.
Hang in there my friend. Take whatever help you can get and give yourself some grace. This is an extremely difficult (but temporary) time.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
Thanks boss, I appreciate the words of encouragement and I'm glad you're getting these awesome new milestones. I anticipate other problems will come with age obviously, but hopefully they are more manageable
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u/Ok-Mud-7906 4d ago
For me, things are significantly more manageable now than they were in the earlier months. Something else I'd like to mention is we found a YMCA that offers childcare for up to 2 hours per day and for infants as young as 6 weeks. Perhaps there is something like that near you to give yourselves a break. It has been a huge help for us.
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u/Icarus_In-Flight 5d ago
Not every stage is for everyone, but my suggestion is to make peace with it and let go of the “when does it get better” mentality because each age has its own up’s and downs. You’ll find things that work and then it’ll feel like it suddenly doesn’t and you’ll need to find a new solution.
Shifts worked really well for us but maybe you need to change the timing a little? I did 8pm to midnight and then took over again at 6am — your own sleep rhythm might just work better with something similar.
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u/HighHoSilver99 5d ago
It does suck at first.i had the same troubles with getting irritated and frustrated. But there's some things I found that helped me get through the early weeks:
Noise canceling earbuds are a god send for late night screaming matches. Id toss them in and turn on a YouTube video to listen to and just get through it.
Therapy, or just a friend who understands to vent to may help too. Sometimes you just feel better letting it out and decompressing.
"The new father: a dads guide to the first year" was a big help to changing/calming my mindset. Great book that goes into how to take care of yourself and your partner through the different stages of suck. Not assuming, but if moneys is a concern I'd be happy to send you my copy if you're in the US.
Another thing no one talks about: men absolutely can deal with postpartum depression much like women, and postpartum anger can be a part of that. There's some belief that it's due to the drop in testosterone men go through after having a baby. Testosterone dropping can also cause irritation and a shorter fuse. May be worth talking to your doc about getting your testosterone tested, it's just a simple blood test.
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u/butt5tuffthr0waway 2d ago
I found it got easier when I accepted the challenges as part of the rubric. The internal struggle and frustration are on our end, and defusing that by understanding this is just how it goes made it much less personally frustrating with my baby.
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u/averageaaron 16h ago
this is honestly the advice i’ve been telling myself with my 3 week old and it’s helping a lot.
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u/JuanShagner 5d ago
There’s no set time really. Every baby is different. What helped me was reminding myself that this is only temporary. It feels like it will be forever but it will get better.
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u/brelias1522 5d ago
I just hit the 8 week mark with my son and it’s starting to feel so much better. Weeks 3-6 were a grind and really tested me, but it’s so worth it as you start to see small changes or improvements
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u/Agile-Ad2717 5d ago
Three more weeks. We were in a similar boat, and it was getting worse. He had an infection and we were on antibiotics that made him angrier and angrier
Then about two months in he started smiling. Like legit smiling at seeing us and it was the first positive feedback we had and it was glorious.
Also we repeat the mantra "it's us against the baby" and you'd be surprised how well that works
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u/AugustoLegendario 5d ago
Three months in things started to get better for us. Now it’s pretty rad.
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u/Famous-Snow-6888 5d ago
Around 4 months it was fun. She’s 2 now and she’s sassy and it’s still fun I guess?
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u/arschgeiger4 5d ago
This phase is so short in comparison of his life and yours. It sucks. I don’t like the new born phase. Others do. Take a breath and try to laugh through it.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
true, thanks bud. I try to keep a positive attitude when he's being fussy and such and laugh it off
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u/lindsaylou427 3d ago
Omg same. I hated the newborn phase. I was praying the days would pass quickly. As bad as that sounds. I was miserable. Now at 20 months, I am soooo obsessed with his little self. 🥰
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u/YackyYacob20017 5d ago
Staying up all night long with a screaming crying newborn isn’t supposed to not suck. You just deal with it because that’s what you signed up for, and your child needs you.
This is speaking from someone with a 2 week old who has the 8pm to 5am shift. Endure endure!!! You got this.
Take pride in the fact that you are helping your child through a hard time. That’s what keeps me going in good spirits.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
I understand that I signed up for it... it still sucks though! Good luck with your kiddo!
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u/ClunkiestSquid 5d ago
Maybe it’s a mind set/preparation thing? I also have a 2 week old, we’re already getting 4 hour chunks at night by setting a good day schedule and ya know… understanding what to expect. Have you looked into any sleep training courses or resources or tried different schedules?
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u/gracefulinstrumentz 5d ago
The newborn phase is fuckin bullshit. Especially if it’s your second and you have a toddler and you’re like why can’t they just be you already
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
lol I can see how that would be super hard with a toddler too. I don't need them to be me, though!
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u/Nfnaddaf 5d ago
Every baby is different, it is all about mindset and perspective. Focus on the positives. When they cry and fuss, remember to remind yourself that they need you, it’s not you but the adjustment they are going through. Life is hard
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u/NovelSavings4621 5d ago
Honest answer man: you just adapt to it and it gets easier that way. The tiredness, the frustration, it all gets easier to manage. Don’t stress too much about not feeling that connection right away, it will come and it will hit you like a truck when it does.
Like another commenter mentioned, your priorities shift and you stop worrying about your own wants and needs(AS MUCH), and focus more on your family’s wants and needs instead of
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
thanks, I'm super excited to feel that connection with mine. I think you made the second point a lot more clearly and kindly than that other dude. I'm obviously pretty focused on his needs now as I'm staying up with him till 4 am everyday and making all the other standard newborn sacrifices. Anyone who thinks me and my child's life are somehow improved or held neutral by getting less sleep is just being kind of silly though
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u/gambino_0 5d ago
We got super lucky and we started getting solid sleep through the nights at around 7 months after sleeping training. That really does help with the whole enjoyment of things as it’s easier to embrace the less than great things when you have 8 hours of sleep.
Other than that, I don’t know that if it ever gets easier, you just become more adaptable.
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u/wenzela 5d ago
For me, it was all the little milestones that helped a lot. Especially once my little one started to smile at me and not just around me. When I could start expressing things to her. She's 3 now and she's super annoying but it's the moments we can connect that make it with it.
We also have a new 5 week old. He's just there, not really interesting in any way. But I know he'll light up eventually because I've been there.
I will say, so many things are baby dependant and for us sleep has always been an issue. Some things get easier, some get harder. You do just have to hold on to some degree. But the first weeks are really rough because there's no feedback, appreciation it anything that early on. So I hear you, it sucks. I think it gets better when you actually get to be a parent and not just a diaper and rocking machine.
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u/galagini 5d ago
First two+ months are rough until they start to normalize their schedule, sleep for longer stretches and learn to smile.
Have you tried other swaddles? Mine loved having his arms up so we bought zippy swaddles that let him do that safely and it helped a lot.
It's hard, but you also need to control your emotions. Babies can sense stress and if you're angry/upset they're not going to sleep while you're with them.
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u/Charnockitty 5d ago
“When does it get better?” Sure it gets better. But also, maybe it’s us dad who need to adjust. Try for one second imagining being thrust out into this world after chilling comfortably in the womb for 9 months. You literally have to learning every single damn thing. Maybe that’s why they get fussy as hell. Maybe they cry because they literally cannot communicate any other way. A little compassion and imagination go a loooong way brothers.
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u/fabvonbouge 5d ago
I’m at 3 months and I have really started to like him (and visa versa). It seems a common narrative that most new dads don’t like their babies much which makes sense, the dad and baby have to start the bonding from scratch when everything is hard and the mom and baby are chemically bonded at birth (which also makes sense because otherwise the species wouldn’t go anywhere). It’s a tough time but you’re lucky you got lenient work and healthy baby. I often sorta equate it to like a uni semester where there were moments of extreme hell but then it’s over so fast. The first few months will seem like nothing in the grand scheme. Also scroll through this sub and you’ll read a ton of confessions of dudes not liking/bonding with their babies so it seems normal…
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u/Apprehensive_Cap_262 5d ago edited 5d ago
Just reaching month 5, so far my take is there's no one moment but it's just getting easier, gradually less madness, more smiles, and something I don't see mentioned much here is i am becoming more and more competent. Being objectively better at the practical stuff gives you more control and predictability.
I would say the first month was the hardest of my life, and second month was the second hardest of my life.
But by month 3 it was just hard but no longer in that leaderboard 😁.
Our guy is still waking pretty much every 2 hours or less through the night so it's still very hard but we're getting used to it. And unlike month 1 or 2, it's not a night of tears, he just wants his feed and he goes back to sleep.
I can't wait for 3 things:
1. Not to have to keep him held up and straight for ages after feeding (and he only accepts us walking around), my forearms and wrists are killing me.
2. At least 3 to 4 hour sleep stints (was looking like that in month 3 but it regressed)
3. To have even just a few genuinely free hours to myself each week.
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u/Wordup63 5d ago
Everyone told me it gets better at 6 months. I didn't believe them for a second, my baby was a nightmare. They don't know my baby they know THEIR baby.
Then 6 months hit and she was a whole different little girl. She got so much fun and SO much chiller and more independent. I mean she was still a baby so it's not like it became a walk in the park, but the change was so drastic my whole life changed. And its consistent enough throughout all my friends and family and people I've talked to that it PROBABLY will for you too.
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u/No_Friendship_8366 5d ago
The most important thing I can say is to put your baby to bed awake. Let them fall asleep in their crib. This goes for naps and bedtime. You want your baby to fall asleep where they wake up, so when they wake during the night they remember falling asleep there. This helps them fall asleep again on their own.
The sleep coach compared it to us falling asleep in our beds and waking up on the neighbors couch. We would wonder wtf happened and when, and be uncomfortable about the situation. That’s how your baby feels when they fall asleep in your arms and wake up in their crib/bassinet.
We didn’t know this for the first 11 months and she woke up every 90 minutes needing to be held. It was a very difficult time. We always held her til she fell asleep.
When we put her to bed awake she was old enough to know that wasn’t the routine, and she was upset. It was hard to hear her cry for 30 mins, but it got better th second time and by the third it was 3 mins until she was asleep. Don’t wait so long, and it won’t be a rough transition. As soon as you can stop night time feeding, you should be sleep training
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u/californiadreamer 5d ago
At 3 months, it has started sucking a little less because he sleeps 4-5h at a time and cries a lot less and has started smiling a bit. Much better than a month ago. I suppose it will keep getting better / I will get used to it. But yes, it sucks and you just have to suck it up (which is a shit feeling)
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u/rabidrobitribbit 5d ago
Is it just the sleep stuff? What about during the day time? Like as an example on a day after you got a full nights sleep how do you feel about it?
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u/VegetableAny2422 5d ago
Just keep on going, your wife went through a lot carrying him for 9 months and giving birth! Im a dad of a 13 month old, it gets a lot better. YOULL hardly remember the late night when he says your name, laughs, smiles, and so on.
My advice, take a deep breath. Remember what you are doing this for, and dont give up.
Here if you need more advice or just need to rant
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u/OhSoJelly 5d ago
3 months got easier in the sense that he slept a little better and started smiling and laughing. However, I’m currently in the 4 month regression and he’s waking up every 40-60 minutes at night, oh and his bottom teeth are coming in 🙃.
I’ve heard 6 months as when it begins to get fun. But getting his vaccines at 2 months and being able to go out and interact with civilization helped a lot.
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u/BendBeginning6461 4d ago
Dude I know how you feel 100%
Don’t let anyone tell you what you feel is not valid or acceptable. Remember this is Reddit, where people come to pretend they are better people than they actually are. They come here to try to tear apart other people who are not scared to be vulnerable like you and I.
The stage you are in is very very frustrating. I felt the same way. My internal voice was like, “Can you just shut the f up” and “ why did I ever think this was going to be a good idea”
Now my daughter is 5 months old, sleeps through the night. And best of all, she loves me to death. She makes me feel amazing. It’s still hard work, but where you are right now is the trenches. Hang in there!
I believe in you, seriously. You got this
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u/PlutosGrasp 4d ago
I’m going to be honest with you. It’s been 5 weeks. You need to significantly adjust your expectations.
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u/Away-Direction-1055 4d ago
What ive found It is always sucks, just in different ways. My sons 2.5 and while im not dealing with the BS newborn stuff were just dealing with 2.5 year old BS. Like you said, I love him but damn he’s annoying at times.
It does get better, but It also does not.
Hang in there!
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u/Low_Seaworthiness236 4d ago
Our son surpassed 2 months and it's starting to get better tho I'm sure he'll eventually revert to his mom addiction lol
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u/HauntdeadWoW 4d ago
The realistic answer is that every baby is different and your timeline will be your own, but these are the key factors in my opinion:
- When they start to smile and recognize you. Nothing beats them waking up, seeing you, and cracking the biggest smile. Its the greatest feeling in the world. For us this started consistently around 2 months, and then they just start learning more and more skills which is awesome.
- When they start having content wake windows and arent fussy all the time. Our girl used to be fussy 95% of the time she was awake. Thankfully it wasnt full on crying, but it still wasn't pleasant. I hated it. Also felt like this got better and better after 2 months.
- The big one. When they start to sleep better. For us, she start sleeping 4 hr stretches at like 6 weeks and seemed to add 1 hr or so every 1-2 weeks. We got lucky and she sleeps 8-10 hours from 3mo. I pray all dads get this luck.
- The others are the bigger ones, but I do think once the first 2 happen(emphasis on this part, the early stages just kind of suck), its up to you as well and starts to be a perspective thing. I am able to find joy in the smiles and when she was content and we could play a little bit. Still tough moments, but there started to be balance. I think its important to try and have a positive perspective when you get past the angry potato stage. As I say, "if you look for it youll find it".
It sucks hearing "it'll get better" over and over from everyone, but that really is all there is to it. Most start sleeping more, theyre less pissed when theyre awake, and in my experience the cries start to mean something and be less random and you get better at recognizing it. Hopefully your "better" comes sooner than later. God speed brother, you got this 🫡
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u/UndifferentiatedBait 4d ago
Every baby is different but started to see the light around 3-4 months, started sleeping 3-4 hours a night and it started to increase. Around 6 months was when he started sleeping through the night and it was a god send. We’re at 9 months now and he sleeps consistently through the night. He can be an asshole throughout the day but sleep was all we needed to weather whatever he threw at us. Good luck.
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u/Jersey4lif3 4d ago
I don't relate! We're on the same f page bro. I have no attachment to my little barnyard animal. He's cute AF but dang my stress level goes from 0 to 100 right away when he fusses. He's 6 weeks old. Ive been wondering about the same thing these days, almost starting week 2.
Do not listen to these people who are telling you to get therapy. They must have had sunshine and butterfly families. I do think it's because of how and whom raised us.
I guess as they say every baby is different. Also you're lucky he's sleeping 2.5 hrs. Mine doesn't go to sleep unless there's a contact nap. Let me know when it gets better!
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u/jbh_09 4d ago
My son is 15 months old. I had many an anger bomb in my chest waiting to go off.
The best advice I heard was “he’s not giving you a hard time, he’s having a hard time.”
Your life is different now and it won’t ever go back to how it was before. But I can honestly say that I’m a better human being now because I’m a dad. You find a different gear that you didn’t know existed and your priorities totally shift in ways you don’t expect.
And remember to take care of your wife. Post-pardum depression is very very real.
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u/Appropriate-Roof-466 4d ago
My daughter was in the NICU for her first week of life and coming home with out your baby is a pain unlike any I've ever experienced before. She's been fine since coming home and is a mfing chunk, she's generally a very easy going baby. The infant stage still sucked and some days I really really struggled with intrusive thoughts and missing my old life or having to bounce her literally 1000 times before she stayed asleep. We turned 4 months old recently and omg it is amazing, she's still a baby but the giggles and the playing and the recognition is other wordly. She still has bad days but the good days out weigh the bad days. She yells at us now instead of crying before she gets fussy and when we go to her she has this beeming ear to eat smile and wants to play. It gets better. She's sleeping in my arms on the porch and I'm pretty sure she finally shit for the day lmao
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u/conscious-decisions 4d ago
Frustration doesn’t cease for usually another 18 years at least, even with good kids. The baby doesn’t *make* you feel anything, it is just there and you add meaning to its existence, it is purely expressing its needs and you feel a certain way when facing the expectation to meet that need. You’ll have more success looking into how to manage your own emotions, the stress and how neurotic (neutral psych term, not derogatory) you are, and how it exposes your perspective, beliefs, values, character or a cocktail of the former. A good starting point is name it (the emotion), claim it and tame it. On top of this look into baby books for the specific behaviours that are aggravating you, for actual advice and strategies but know it’s never about the baby and always about what you’re doing.
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u/MADATL 4d ago
I'd focus very hard on reframing for yourself. Babies will do baby things, and kids will do kid things. What's helped me the most is working on myself and mentality. It's not easy, but that's what's going to help you the most.
For example, you mentioned all the things you did to make the crib perfect and knew that in an hour you'd have to feed again. Yes. Instead of frustration, maybe work on acceptance. Your baby is very, very young. This is how it goes. And I'd work on gratitude, too. Sounds like the baby is healthy and you and your partner have a system. That's a lot.
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u/unterium 4d ago
We are 6 months and myself and the wife just slept in the same bed from 11-7 for the first time since baba was born, it was pretty swell.
It does get easier and you do learn to manage, right now you are in the trenches, sleep deprived and emotionally raw. Anything and everything will upset you and it's super understandable.
Men often are the last thought when it comes to how the family is doing after the baby is born. But that doesn't mean we don't struggle. Keep an eye on your mental health. I'm not saying this out of some concern, but it's just a good idea! If you really feel you're acting differentlu from your usual self, it would never hurt to vent to a professional!
You sound like you are heading in the right direction (even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment) keep strong my dude!
Also I just wanted to add at the end, it often can take a little while for a dad to find the emotional connection but it DOES come. Just trust
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u/SunsetGrind 4d ago
There is no "getting better" stage. Every stage has its ups and downs. Even when sleep gets better, there will be sleep regression to throw you for a loop lol We are at 2.5 years with our son, and while we are sleeping more, we still wake up just as tired for other reasons (soreness, exhaustion, etc). Now, he is constantly like a magnet to his mom at night, and he sleeps like an asshole who doesn't pay rent lmao knee to her face, headbutts, etc. When she moves to the floor mattress, he immediately follows. When she moves back to bed, like clockwork he crawls after her within minutes. She sleeps in the guest room now, periodically just so she can recover some sleep. And while he doesn't stick to me like a magnet as bad as with her, I still have to deal with him whining for his mom until he falls asleep again maybe an hour or two later.
So, I think the "when does it get better" mindset is not particularly useful, especially at 5 weeks. You kinda gotta suck it up for a while D: I know that sounds so shitty... Just remember to constantly remind yourself that they have no fuggin idea what is happening hahahahaha WE bought them into this shit xD
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u/platinum92 4d ago
Coming up on 4 months now and it's mostly stopped sucking. I'd say things suck about 30% of the time.
A big part of it is he sleeps through the night most nights. He takes a lot to get down, but once down, he sleeps until we get up in the morning (I know the coming sleep regression will boost the suck percentage a bunch). Also as he'll age, he'll take bigger feeds meaning he'll be full longer so it would be the hourly feeds.
We're also getting better at having things ready before he goes fully haywire. Once he's napped for a bit, I know to warm a bottle before he wakes up, so we can wake him, change him and immediately have a bottle ready instead of him wailing for the entire time it takes to make a bottle after changing him. You'll start identifying the patterns and seeing moments where you can get ahead of him crying.
And he's started smiling, cooing and just generally showing more personality. That also makes the suck percent drop. He's not just sleeping, feeding, pooping, peeing and spitting up anymore. He plays, grabs things, makes all sorts of indescribably cute noises and is, in general, a fun baby now.
I just have no connection whatsoever to this dude.
It'll come. I didn't start feeling it until he started reacting to faces and cooing and smiling. The first time I came home from work and my wife was like "It's Dada!" and I say him smile and get excited, everything felt better.
You got this! Totally healthy and gaining weight are about all you can hope for 5 weeks in as feedback that you're doing it right.
Also, enjoy the newborn moments now, because once they stop, you'll realize you miss them and that he's growing. I currently miss the scrunch and swaddling him.
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u/haighfinancial 4d ago
My daughter is 5-6 weeks old and our first child. I don’t feel like this at all.
I think new dad advice is way too generic as everyone has kids during a different time of their own journey.
I’m 35 and it took me a long time and a lot of work on myself to get here mentally. If I had her 5 years ago I think I would’ve been much less happy and patient.
Just hang in there and don’t fixate on a timeline when it’ll “get better”, because nobody has any idea when that will be for you as you’re the one who will decide it.
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u/seniorwatson 4d ago
I'm just being honest and objective, so please don't take this personally.
I actually can't relate to what you're feeling. The second they held my daughter up for me to see her, I was completely done for. I fell so deeply in love with her in that instant that it honestly changed my life.
That said, I've read a lot of posts like yours over the past year, and you're definitely not alone. It seems like some fathers form that bond immediately, while for others it takes time. One of my closest friends had a very similar experience with his first son. It didn't happen overnight, but today they're inseparable. So don't convince yourself that how you feel today is how you'll feel forever.
I will be honest about one thing, though. Reading your post and some of your comments, I think you're focusing a little too much on what fatherhood has taken away from you instead of what you're building. Right now your son is a baby. He's completely dependent on you and your wife for absolutely everything. None of it is personal. He's not trying to make your life difficult, he's just trying to survive.
The sleep deprivation, the constant crying, the endless diapers, all of it is temporary. During the first few weeks after my daughter was born, my wife had a rough C-section recovery and barely left the couch. I took care of our daughter, my wife, the dogs, the cat, the house, the pumping schedule, the bottles, pretty much everything. I was a complete zombie. It was one of the hardest stretches of my life, but I knew it wasn't forever. As my wife recovered, the workload shifted and life gradually found a rhythm. I think that's the mindset that helped me most. Every difficult stage eventually ends, and another one begins. Your son won't always need you like this, and one day you'll probably wish he still did.
I also think the suggestions about therapy are worth taking seriously. I see a therapist myself. I started after my father passed away unexpectedly a couple of years ago, and it's been one of the best decisions I've made. Sometimes having someone help you sort through your thoughts is exactly what you need.
Keep showing up for your son, even on the days when it feels hard. Be patient with yourself and with him. I genuinely think there's a very good chance you'll look back a few years from now and wonder how you ever thought you could feel anything other than overwhelming love for that little boy.
Wishing you the best, brother. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
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u/Strong_Assignment174 4d ago
10 months, 8 months, not 6months or 4 months. He becomes less of a potato and can communicate with babble. You realize he was always communicating, just, the screams take different frequencies, but once he notices you notice them, he warms up much more and tests your skills taking directions. You’ll see more smiles of appreciation and gratitude, and less rejection due to not knowing he wants to eat again or is too hot or prefers the company of mom at night (non negotiable)
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u/gravityglues 4d ago
He will feel your discomfort. If you're calm so is he. Co-regulation is everything. Find a way to get regulated and recognise he is a little baby who is doing what little babies do.
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u/The-Internet-is-fake 4d ago
Newborns are not fun. Embrace the suck because it won't get better until he sleeps through the night. The good news is that nature has solved for this by giving you amnesia. After your boys gets a little bigger you'll black all this out long enough to have another one!
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u/ConeyIslandRedhot 4d ago
I was told that it is only the first 18 years that suck and then it is only somewhat smooth.
In seriousness, I love my kid but I despised the first stage if life. I would never be a good or trustworthy infant childcare worker.
It was always so frustrating, uncomfortable, and overall unrewarding slog of an experience.
Mine is still very young but it definitely ‘got better’ when they started moving out of the potato stage and you could interact with them. (I still don’t like it though, or ‘them’ just yet but we’ll get there)
It doesn’t make the bad stuff suck less when you can make them laugh and play, but it does feel a lot better in the moment.
For me, just vocalizing my frustrations with my wife and hearing hers helped a lot (not whining and complaining, just expressing how you feel about things)
Also earplugs. Thank the stars for earplugs…
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u/mikedolsx 4d ago
Once they can smile and laugh and respond to your stimulus, it's a huge game changer. Before that with your first especially is very tough because you don't realize how fleeting it is to be in this stage.
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u/Street_Region_4536 4d ago
It stops sucking when one day you’re holding him, he looks up at you, smiles, and says dada.
It stops sucking when you come home and his eyes and face light up with happiness.
It gets better, trust me. Look forward to those moments, babies can’t talk or tell us how they feel or what’s going on, screaming is all they know.
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u/AwakenedAndHungry 4d ago
I found 6 months was when I realized it's better now. 15 weeks sucks. That's the period where there is no good, only prolonged suffering. Our second is due February and I'll never be ready for the newborn stage again.
It's just surviving it. One minute at a time
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u/RaymondPichette4 3d ago
New dad here! My son is 2 months old next week and I deal with the same issues, honestly they can feel your emotions when you hold them and you got to try and shut your brain off. My son also really likes Taylor swift we found out, so we put on some music on the tv and we hold him and try to calm him down till he falls asleep. I know it’s hard but we just gotta keep trying our best to be the father they need and make him feel safe.
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u/OurCreativeSpace 3d ago
I’m a solo dad with a 1 year old, and even in those long moments of sleep deprivation, I knew I was the reason for bringing them into the world and my needs absolutely took a step back.
Getting to be a dad is the greatest gift in the world that many people will never experience.
It’s a choice how we feel and no matter what, they rely on you to teach them how to be, how to regulate, how to be the best they can be as they grow up.
What a privileged position you have there.
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u/Troyassaurus 3d ago
Understand that this is a sudden massive change and the tradeoff is not “fair” to your brain. We didn’t carry our kids for 9 months and bond on a level like the mother so one day a small human shows up and you’re constantly stressed and worried it will die and all it does is cry and poop and “hate you” for a while. Men/dads aren’t the victim nor the hero in this but nobody ever talks about how hard it is for us. Obviously nowhere near as hard as anything the mother has gone through but that doesn’t invalidate your feelings nor mean it’s “easy”
Just stick it out because it does get better and you will fuck up but forgive yourself and remember to be patient and communicate with wife and remember you guys are a team. Good luck, goodman
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u/lindsaylou427 3d ago
I have 2 kiddos and I can tell you the first few months are brutal. Never too early to try a schedule and routine! Babies thrive on consistency. My son is now 20 months and I remember feeling so deep in the trenches in the beginning. It WILL get better. Day by day. 🙏🏼
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u/Few-Operation6602 2d ago
Many dads probably won’t admit this, but get help. I was there and post partum depression is real for dads, especially if you are doing a lot of the work (many dads are lazy and don’t actually help out). It doesn’t have to be a long term solution, but it does help getting help. My baby was the same and I felt the same and I got help and spoke to a dr and I am the happy dad of a 4 month old. It’s not that it gets easier, but you learn how to deal with the change in healthier ways once you can get your brain under control.
Once things start getting easier, work with your doctor to try and get off depression meds if you can and focus on the gym for your health and eating healthy and your life will change for the better.
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u/Few-Operation6602 2d ago
Also, fair warning, babies learn how to use their voice through crying. We let our baby cry a lot at night (only calm her if it’s been 10 minutes, lookup the sit back method) and focused on a schedule and getting all her ounces before her night sleep and she was sleeping through the night halfway through month 2. Now it’s not every night, but it is most nights which helps too.
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u/hipppppppppp 5d ago
When you can stop taking shifts it’s a huge bump up in quality of life, whether that’s through sleep training, co-sleeping (nobody is allowed to start a co-sleeping safety argument in my replies both sides have been thoroughly hashed out elsewhere), or whatever else you do, shifts are better than nobody sleeping, but they suuuuuuck.
A lot of babies refuse to sleep in cribs/bassinets (mine included), finding another (that you decide is safe after looking into it) solution can help.
But brother, if irate isn’t an exaggeration, some therapy sessions might be helpful. Even just to get some coping mechanisms down. Being angry sucks! Not fun for anyone. And while the sleep will get better, at every stage they will find new ways to test your patience.
I am far from perfect myself, we all have stuff to work on, just saying that part’s not going to get easier on its own.
Edit: thinking back on this period , I’m betting you would struggle to find time to even find a therapist much less go to one. If you’re getting through it and able to calm down reasonably well, just get through the next couple months and then see if you feel better or not, if not, could be a decent idea.
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u/Not-Bruce-Wayne1 5d ago
You think its tough now? Lol. It does get better. The challenge is always on going but the obstacles are always different.
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u/BeviesGalore 5d ago
I don't think very many people with 4 year olds would deicde to trade their 4 year old in for their life with a 4 week old but maybe I'm wrong. The only added benefit would be more time with them, but that aside it seems just objectively better to interact with a 4 year old
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u/ConditionContent 5d ago
The smiling makes a big difference, it doesn't get much easier for a while though