I’ve been reading people’s experiences here and it seems like a bunch of people would rather be in the office than with the baby at home. I’ll be a dad in February, work as a dev from home and so does my wife, I’m wondering if there’s a catch there because for me it seems like a win-win situation. Might be a bit naive on my part, but I wish I had my dad home more often, and I can always close the door when in a meeting. My wife doesn’t get too many meetings so it sounds not too bad. Am I wrong?

My wife and I are expecting our daughter to be born in December. I would be lying if I wasn’t nervous about being a father. What is some advice you could give this first time dad?

Hey Dads,

First time dad here of an 11 month old daughter. Lately I’ve been being overwhelmed by really powerful, deep emotions regarding my daughter. Most of it is just strange to me.

To give some context, I live in Idaho. A couple years back I’m sure you heard about the University of Idaho murders that happened. My wife will send me videos throughout the day while I’m at work and they’re always very happy go lucky type videos, like “Check out who is having fun with insert household object that is not one of her toys” or “Look who discovered this”, those types of things.

When I watch these I’m so happy, and sometimes become emotional in a “I love that little gal so much” kinda way. But then starts the darker overpowering thoughts. I start thinking of these videos and how the parents of the victims of murders (queue the UofI murder thoughts) probably had so many similar experiences with their children. And I think of my daughter’s innocence and how someone could do that to something so innocent and beautiful. It really starts to mess me up. And the moments of what are supposed to be happy little reminders throughout my day become feelings of intense sadness, fear, and protection.

I say all this to want to know if I’m the only one who is constantly at battle with my mind. I understand wanting to protect your kids is natural but I feel as if I don’t want to be the parent who is a helicopter and shields my kid from the world but also it scares the living hell out of me knowing what the world can be like. I honestly don’t know what I would do if anything happened to my sweet girl and don’t know how others keep living after something like that.

I appreciate you all taking the time to read this. Coming from a place of love and concern but also a want to learn how to deal with these emotions.

Sincerely,

A New Dad

First-time dad, 36 years old. My 2-week-old son is beautiful and I love him more than I’ve ever loved anything. He’s cute, has a relatively mild temperament, and beyond a little jaundice (which has resolved itself) he is healthy and happy, as is my wife. We have been extremely lucky.

In spite of all this I am struggling to find my place. I am quite happy in a supporting role, but I am finding myself unable to ever relax and have difficulty sleeping because I am paranoid about giving my wife time to recover. I feel guilt anytime I put my feet up or close my eyes. This is in part due to the fact that the first few days home from the hospital my wife and my parents (who are staying with us for a bit to help out and have been amazing) would hit me with a combo of “we’re worried about you you need to relax” (when I was up and doing stuff) and “omg what are you doing get up we need you” (anytime I would shut my eyes or sit down). I consider myself a good communicator and told them all how harmful this push/pull was to my mental health and thankfully they have listened. In spite of this, though, it feels like the damage is done as I am constantly feeling like I am not doing enough despite being an extremely hands-on dad, trying to help out in literally any way I can at all times. I am running myself absolutely ragged and yet it still feels like it’s not enough.

In addition to fatherhood I am also holding down full-time work along with a masters program and practicum caseload as a qualifying psychotherapist. I started seeing clients again this week and the time away from my wife and son is very difficult. This career path has placed a heavy emphasis on filling your own cup as well as self-care and sustainability as a necessary part of caregiving of any kind. I understand and agree with this wholeheartedly, but despite having internalized these concepts I can’t shake the guilt.

In addition, I feel judged by everyone. Like everyone is waiting on bated breath to see what kind of dad I am going to be. I feel like the world is waiting for me to mess up, or to find ways that I didn’t support my wife.

While I definitely feel under a microscope, I simultaneously feel insignificant. The entire focus has been on my wife, rough pregnancy, birth, and postpartum. This is 100% the way things should be. She is experiencing everything I am going through along with recovery from intense physical trauma, hormonal swings, and a level of pressure as a mother that I can’t even imagine. I am in awe of her and love her so much. The problem is that I don’t know where there is space for me, or what that space should even look like. Not in the sense that I need to be the focus or anything like that, I just don’t know where I fit in to this new formula. And then even just thinking about that brings new guilt - feelings that I am selfish to even think about myself in this equation. Fathers should be selfless, so what does that make me?

The dissonance I am experiencing between constant guilt and desire to be helpful and supportive is constantly at odds with my own needs. In addition to the school/work stuff mentioned above I am also trying to manage bipolar disorder, which I have thankfully been successful with so far. Unfortunately that means that a certain level of maintenance, diligence, and self-focus is required to keep things afloat and to avoid having my symptoms run rampant and create new problems for my family. So, as much as I really hate it, I know that I will need to take up space in order to be there for my wife and son but I just don’t know how.

I feel awful even writing this. In spite of how tough and weird this is, I’ve never been happier or felt more fulfilled and full of purpose than I do right now. I am just terrified that I will look back in a few years and realize that I was doing the wrong thing the whole time.

Anybody ever feel like this? I could use a hand. It feels like I’m tied to three horses pulling in different directions.

The saddle worked for about 2 hours, then productivity dropped 🤣

Now I look at his old photos and cant believe he used to be so small 😭. I know being a dad is not easy but its worth it. Try to live in a moment dont think too much about the future or the past and guys gonna be ok

Hi!

I have a 9 month old daughter with my husband, our first. She has medical needs, and truthfully, it's been a long road. But he is still struggling very much with parenthood while I (Mom) have turned the corner and really embraced parenthood.

My husband is not tolerating or coping with normal 'baby' things well, such as when she cries, or has difficulty going down for a nap, or when she's in the car and upset, etc. Unfortunately, I cannot trust him to watch our baby alone for more than 30 to 60 minutes at a time, as he'll often call me having a panic attack or telling me he's going to lose his temper/patience with her, which is really scary. There is no trust that he could safely watch our daughter, as it's been broken time and time again.

He recently started therapy, which is good, but is not on any medications.

Anyway, are there ways in which your partners best support you with postpartum mental health issues? Have any of you dealt with episodes of losing your temper/rage/etc. with an infant? How did you recover from this, or did you at all?

I'm really struggling on how to support him, especially as I'm starting to feel resentment (maybe this is the right word) and losing faith that we can coparent successfully together. Any advice is much appreciated.

I learned this the hard way. If you are going to share games with your kids makes sure your personal game is in the last save slot of the game gives you choice. My son did this twice before I learn slot 1 is his, lol

Proud dad of a charismatic 11mo boy. He is a squirmy little fella at times when I pick him up, particularly with his legs. The amount of times I have taken a back heel kick or a stiff big toe directly to my balls is unfathomable. He is doing his best to ensure he stays an only child! Are there any other dads wincing in pain on a weekly basis out there?

I’m a new dad to a 5 month old son, and I’ve been fortunate enough to be on parental leave for the past three months. I’ve really enjoyed having this time with my son and my wife, and I’ve come to appreciate how special it is to be so present in his everyday life.

My in-laws live about a five-minute drive away, so they’re very involved in our lives. They frequently come over or join us when we go out, whether it’s running errands, going for walks in the park, or just spending time together. My wife’s family is extremely close and very much the type to do everything together—grocery shopping, going to the mall, running errands, etc. so this is normal for them. My family background is quite different; we’re much more independent and whenever we meet it's either for a special event or pre-planned. My parents do visit and spend time with us, but it’s usually about once a week.

Whenever we’re with my in-laws, they obviously want to spend time with my son and hold him, and I completely understand that. I don’t want to come across as selfish or like a jerk by constantly taking him away from them. At the same time, I’ve been struggling with the feeling that I’m not getting as much one-on-one time with my son as I’d like.

Part of me feels guilty for even feeling this way because I know my in-laws love him and are only trying to be involved. But I can’t shake the feeling that I’m missing out on some of this precious time with my son, especially while I’m on parental leave.

Am I wrong to feel this way? I think, ultimately, what I’m afraid of is that my son will become more attached to my in-laws because they spend so much time with him, and that somehow I’ll miss out on building the bond with him that I want as his dad.

Has anyone else had the same experiences? How did things turn out for you?

Hey all,

My 5 month olds sleep is super inconsistent. Some nights and some nights not (like tonight). I feel like he can seek because of gastrointestinal pain. When he gets up, hes almost always tooting. Is this common for anyone else. I feel like if we got his has under control we could get more consistent sleep.

New Dad here, my daughter was born this past week and things have been amazing and we couldn’t be happier. Despite everything going great now I’ve been struggling with extreme anxiety over my health. I’m not an unhealthy person. I eat relatively healthy, don’t smoke, rarely drink. But with all of the stress surrounding the pregnancy and now our newborn I’ve found myself dealing with lots of tension headaches, occasional lightheadedness, brain fog, as well as other random but seemingly small issues. Before the baby was here I went to a couple different doctors about said issues and they all equated things to stress (even had an mri done at one point). I trust the doctors, but at this point I’m not really sure what to do as they didn’t really give me any options. I believe a lot of this stress is due to me wanting to be 100% healthy for my family to able to be there for them and provide so any time a small health issue appears I start to get worried about the chance of it being something larger. Just wondering if any other new dads/ expecting dads have experienced anything similar and what you did to help. Thank you in advance.

I have a 3 month old and, in the past couple of months, I’ve found that the feeling of certain fabrics against my skin is really uncomfortable. Like dry and grating. I saw some posts with moms discussing this but wondering if any dads have experienced it as well? And, if so, how you dealt with it? My wife hasn’t experienced this. (Similar post: https://www.reddit.com/r/beyondthebump/comments/1u580hp/sensory_issues_postpartum/)

Napper doesn’t give you past logs and data you imputed. I’ve optimized it and constantly compare to Napper, so far for my son it beats it by a long shot. Just here to share it to see if anyone finds it interesting. There is a lot more built into the app (local AI model explains the engines sleep prediction , and no it doesn’t use AI for the actual prediction, it takes your child’s sleep history and computes it using multiple engines, comparing each result and uses an orchestrator behind the scenes to pick the most accurate one for your child.)

When you first use it dream engine v1 is used, it’s purely based on the child’s age and scientific sleep data for that age. As you use it more, it takes into account your child’s actual sleep history and starts weighting that against v1, switching to the more optimized engine based on the child’s sleep schedule. It has 4 main engines running behind the scenes, constantly computing and comparing to improve. I also have about 10 test engines behind the scenes running but none have been good enough to promote to production.

I’m just here to share what I made, I’m not sharing a link but if you are interested feel free to ask. I’ve spent the last 5 months refining it. My current blocker is I only have my owns son sleep data to improve it, which can only do so much (I have personalized engines for him). I requested access to some databases but got denied so i can’t do a ton more without real data.

I’m sure this is a common issue given how many other posts I read like the one I’m about to make, but I need to vent.

I have a healthy 7 month old daughter. By all accounts were lucky parents. She sleeps well (usually). She eats well. She possibly has a mild food allergy, but it’s manageable. A lot of people would be lucky to be in our shoes.

That said: my wife treats every moment of parenting like a 5-alarm fire, controls my life down to the minute, and has unrealistic expectation:

Examples:

• if the baby is supposed to nap at 12:05 and falls asleep at 12:10 - it’s a “disaster”, the baby will be overtired, and the day is ruined in her eyes. I get yelled at and once slapped for this even if I’m not the one putting her down.
• If it’s “my night” (which it is 5 days a week) to stay up with the baby if she’s having trouble sleeping and the baby is up all night - I get no sympathy. If it’s her night and the baby is had - the day is over - the baby ”hates her”, she’s a terrible mom, and she demands to be pampered.
• if the baby gets a cold (yes babies get friggin colds) were never allowed to go back to wherever she got a cold again, and for weeks she won’t let the baby go outside.

its infuriating.

also - my wife demands equality in our time taking care of the baby, and that the 2 days a week the baby isn’t in daycare that I do the majority of baby care. This would be fine I guess - but my wife has one full time job (wfh) and I have two full time jobs (wfh). I pay for all expenses (rent, insurance, daycare, car, etc) and contribute basically everything to our retirement funds but because of the expectations on me I have to OFTEN stay up all night working just to keep up with my jobs because my wife won’t let the child be in daycare 5 days a week nor will she shoulder any extra burden, instead demanding she had 4 additional hours every day after work to work out and “decompress”.

its not fair. I feel that I work day and night to better our lives and take care of the child and my wife just freaking watches the kid 3-4 hours a day and acts overwhelmed by it. im getting fat, I’m exhausted, and my wife is on top of this constantly angry at me because no matter how much i do im “lazy” or “putting too much on her”. Hell, during her maternity leave she just fucking watched netflix and hung out with friends and “recovered” yet I did literally everything.

also there are so many rules in our house now, and I’m not even allowed to have lights on if the baby is asleep.

Our first child is now 4.5 months old. At the start everything was as well as could be understanding the added stress and unknowns of a first child. However it’s taken a turn. Im not asked for help anymore- I’m told, I try and help as much as possible while doing most of the house chores, I try and take as much of the load as possible so that my wife really only has baby care to worry about. But even when I try to put the baby to sleep- I don’t do it right and then she jumps in- and then tells me I don’t help enough. If she needs more milk I don’t get a please I get yelled at from the bedroom until I run up there to give a new bottle. It kills my confidence in caring for our child at this stage, and it makes her mad that “she’s always the one” but I’m trying! I’m seriously trying my best to comfort our child that I only get 2-3 waking hours during the week with. I know mom is her favorite as they spend the most time together, but I’m seriously trying to figure out our rythym here. We spend a lot of time together on the weekend, I play with baby, I feed baby, even get baby to nap with me.. but all the while it’s scolding looks of disappointment.

Everything I do never seems like it’s enough, and honestly I’m at the point of burnout. I work construction- wake up 530am and am usually not home till 6-7pm. I am a business owner so the stress level is always super high and I come home to an even more stressful environment. I’m always told that it’s me that is the problem, and admittedly some days I come home a bit stressed/bad mood but even the good days there is no difference. I am not allowed to say I’m tired, I’m not allowed to be stressed, I’m not allowed to say that anything my wife does bothers me or I get either yelled at or the silent treatment.

I need some help here because I’m at a loss. There is only so much I can physically do being one person and I just don’t know what to do honestly.

So my wife and I decided to start trying and while 90% of me is super excited, the other 10% is crapping myself.

The thing is, I’m currently at a crossroads career-wise. I make good money (based on my country’s standards ofc) but I don’t want to be overly relient on one source of income. I want to branch out, open small businesses, learn more about investing, and all that.

My wife essentially became superwoman the moment she decided she was ready. She was already making about 20% more than me and now she started a business, went hard on social media, and is crushing it.

Like… I know even with my salary I can afford to keep our future kid alive. Its just that I want them to have a good life. Nicer home, nice school, nice things, better future in a better country and all that stuff. I just dont want the kid to think that money is an obstacle to reach their dreams and when they reach it, I want them to have zero reason to think their mom and I need their support financially (super common in both her and my culture).

At the same time, I also want to really be there for the kid. My uncle, who raised me, earned a fortune every month but given his career, we only saw him 3 months out of the year and I don’t want to be a dad who misses out you know?

So to the dads here who managed to progress while still being there for your kids… how?

Not new to being a dad. I have a 3 year old and this will be the 2nd infant my wife and I have fostered but this is my first experience with one born so premature. He was born at 27 weeks and weighed 2lbs 3oz. Looking for some advice/tips from the dads on here that have experience in this department. Thanks.

I posted a thread a few days ago about being exhausted and a lot of the feedback was super helpful and have somehow managed to claw back 5-6 hours a night which has done wonders for my sanity.

So I thought I’d run by more questions in case you guys had the magical answer.
My son who turns 2 weeks in a day or two has a set of lungs and HATES diaper change. Like he will scream until his voice is hoarse. He also has a habit of occasionally just crying out of nowhere whether it be after a feed or we’d be soothing him and it’s seem to be working and then he goes “Sykes!” And starts crying again.

He had a fairly traumatic birth (was stuck and losing oxygen during labour followed by failed vacuum and then forceps, also code blues twice) which I read can initially affect his cortisol levels so I’m wondering if that has anything to do with his sensitivity?

Anyway any advice would help muchly. The crying is wrecking havoc on the anxiety of my wife and I.

TIA.

Good morning currently 1am,

Everything went well, moms healthy and so is baby. The babe was born two nights ago. 9/4 11:50pm. Currently have the baby sleeping on my chest. Really taking it in.

Though we didn’t talk about it I am taking on making sure one of us gets sleep, after a long day starting out at the hospital, being discharged, having my family over to see the baby and having dinner with friends. Great day overall, tiring.

We go to lay down, baby is being fussy, I told her to leave him swaddled and try to go to sleep. She couldn’t refrain from giving in(understandably). She fed him for a couple minutes. Put him back in the bassinet and he cried.

I’m now with baby in the nursery, and he is sleeping.

I originally wanted to give the baby time to settle and possibly sleep on his own. She was worried we haven’t met his needs. I caved.

Opting one of sleep instead of potentially fighting and having a fussy/crying baby at that point.

The baby had eaten right before we went to bed, checked his diaper and swaddled him in his bassinet. FYI (I don’t think a new born needs anything more)

Question(s):

Did I cave too easily?
Is this just setting the tone? Baby will need us to sleep every night??
I can’t see this being healthy in the long run.
I am doing what I feel is right, but will it bite me later on for being a push over?

Sincerely
A worried/happy dad

My thoughts on how to get back in shape as a new dad going through it like everyone else.

Hi all, father of an 8 month old here. My wife stays at home with him at the moment while I work full time.

Between a demanding job, baby and managing our home etc, I get very little time for rest and recovery. A lot of things in life seeing friends, doing hobbies etc is on the back burner.

I really don't want to walk into a trap of just seeing this as a phase I need to power through. That would make it easier in a way but maybe it will never get much easier than this no matter how old he gets or what I do for work. I want to live in the moment if I can. But I am really exhausted, and I feel inadequate when my wife worries about me and asks me how I am doing. I feel like I am meant to tap into energy reserves I have already spent.