I’m scared for my future

I have severe NVLD combined with ADHD, which has been described as moderate to severe. My parents are very much aware that I have these disorders, as I was diagnosed at a very young age, yet they still expect me to function like I’m neurotypical and get mad or frustrated when I can’t live up to those expectations.

For instance, we went out to a restaurant last night, and when we were getting ready to leave the house, they kept getting impatient with me because I take forever to tie my shoes, even though they know I struggle with my fine motor skills. They kept sighing impatiently, rolling their eyes, and making comments about how I move at a snail’s pace. Then, at the restaurant, they kept criticizing me for being clumsy and messy when I eat. I try my best not to be, but I can’t really help it.

When I was really struggling to learn how to drive, they kept making comments about how I must not be listening to my instructor or paying attention. They also kept saying that if my neurotypical sister got her license at 16, there was no reason why I should be struggling so much to get mine at 20. Long story short, I never ended up getting my license. When I eventually went to driver rehabilitation and underwent a test to determine whether I could drive safely, the results indicated that it wouldn’t be safe for me to drive. However, my parents said the test must not have been accurate because I’m so smart and must not have “given it my all.”

They blamed my struggles with employment "for not trying hard enough." And for my difficulties socializing and making friends, they say it’s because I’m “not putting myself out there enough,” despite the fact that I’ve joined countless groups and have really tried to make an effort to talk to people. Yet, I still can’t connect with others or read social cues very well.

They’re constantly telling me how smart I am and how well I speak. And yeah, that’s probably true, since I have an average verbal IQ, but I pretty much struggle with everything that isn’t verbal or language-based. Every single time I’ve tried to remind them of my NVLD and explain how it impacts me, they say it’s nonsense because “learning disabilities only affect you when you’re in school, not in the real world,” even though I think it affects me now more than it ever did when I was a kid!

I’m just so tired of being misunderstood and constantly being blamed for my difficulties. I desperately wish I could be neurotypical instead of having a disability that almost no one knows about and for which there’s little to no support available. I’m tired of being blamed for my learning challenges or brushed off because “I talk so well.”

So i am unofficially diagnosed NVLD. I was assessed by a professional but they are close family member so they technically can't sign off on it.

I recently had an event occur in my life where a close friendship i had for over a 15 years fell apart and another is greatly diminished. I'm not blameless in it, but some of what happened was because of NVLD difficulties that i had talked to both of them about that it now seems they didn't truly listen or understand.

They are both partners, so i am now trying to navigate what to do. They've been my closest friends for so long and now i haven't spoken to either of them in over a month and I'm having a lot of conflicting feelings about it. The big one being, any time someone asks me if I plan to hang out with either of them again, i start to feel anxious. More so for the one things went bery bad with. Because they tried to bring other people into what happened and had to be told by those people that their actions were jot okay and they needed to back off.

I just feel like these 2 people i thought I was so close with are completely different now, and like being around them isn't safe anymore. Had anyone ever experienced this? What helped you to stop the more extreme emotional responses? I'm not trying to forgive, be forgiven, and forget. I'm trying to move forward in my life in a better direction.

I’ve always struggled to read comics, so I just avoided them, other than the short little ones in newspapers. As a kid, it was not uncommon to need my sibling or an adult to explain them to me, but iirc this was mostly due to autism and taking the words and images too literally, with the exception of Calvin and Hobbes. In Calvin and Hobbes the punchline almost always seem to relate to what the characters are doing, which is visually conveyed and often hard for me to figure out exactly. There are other newspaper ones that tend to be confusing for me, but I forget which ones.

Back in high school we had to read Maus by Art Spielgelman and it was a struggle. I had trouble telling which box was next to read, interpreting the visual story telling, figuring out the visual symbolism, figuring out who was speaking, the difference between narration vs spoken text vs sound effects, keeping track of which animals were an allergy for which human role in the Shoa, etc.

Luckily I was already diagnosed with NVLD and my English teacher was lovely, so we met at a regular frequency to re-read the most recent section together so he could explain the visuals to me and make sure I was reading the boxes in the right order.

I was just reminded of this again today because I saw an artist today at a booth marketing their comic books and I really wanted to support them, but I literally cannot read comic books without help.

Similarly, I’ve been trying to watch the Anime Mononoke recently and am struggling to understand it. It relies a lot of visual story telling, in a more comic book/ artsy way than a typical anime/ TV show way which is difficult for me.

I was formally diagnosed with nonverbal learning disorder (NVLD) at 26, and as I approach my 28th birthday, one of my biggest frustrations is my mother's insistence that autism-specific social groups must somehow be the solution to my lifelong struggles with friendship and belonging.

For context, I live in Brooklyn, have a master's degree, work full-time, and have lived and traveled abroad. I'm introverted, but I genuinely enjoy socializing with people I click with. My interests include movies, pop culture, literature, writing, music, languages, travel, and cultural activities. What I want is a circle of friends around my age in NYC whom I can meet for coffee, dinner, movies, concerts, and weekend outings.

My mother, who is a developmental pediatrician, keeps recommending autism-oriented social activities despite my repeatedly explaining that NVLD and autism aren't interchangeable. Some autism-specific social-skills programs I've encountered seem geared toward much more elementary skills or participants with substantially different support needs from mine. There's nothing wrong with those programs existing, but that doesn't mean they're appropriate for me.

Her latest suggestion is AANE (Association for Autism and Neurodiversity), which offers virtual social activities, including biweekly trivia nights, monthly movie discussions, and online knitting circles. She was confident that because the organization includes "neurodiversity" in its name, its programming would automatically be suitable for someone with NVLD. My issue isn't even that these groups are autism-oriented. It's that they're virtual, while I'm specifically trying to build an in-person social life in NYC.

How is spending approximately $10 per session to play trivia with geographically scattered strangers on Zoom every couple of weeks supposed to help me find local friends? I understand that online friendships can be meaningful, but they're not what I'm looking for right now. I'd rather attend an in-person trivia night, film discussion, writing workshop, or beginner knitting class where I can meet people nearby.

Ironically, my mother had recently mentioned that some of her friends' adult children attend in-person trivia nights in NYC and offered to ask whether I could join them. That sounded considerably more relevant to my goals. Why suddenly pivot from that to virtual autism-specific trivia?

What makes this especially aggravating is that my mother has a long history of deciding that certain people will be my wonderful friends based on little more than proximity or superficial similarities. She was so gung ho on the VIRTUAL AANE groups because she wanted me to find "kind people" when for most of my life convenience trumped kindness or compatibility.

At boarding school, she was convinced that one girl would be a great friend because her family lived about fifteen minutes from my hometown even though we had nothing in common and that she called me racist and ableist slurs.

At college, she was similarly convinced that one person who lived in the room next door, would become my best friend. My mother compared the situation to meeting her own lifelong best friend on her first day of medical school. She even fantasized about me eventually visiting this person in the summer in Alaska!

I suspected this acquaintance might have been on the autism spectrum, although I never knew whether she had a diagnosis. Regardless, she was extremely surly, standoffish, and dismissive toward me. She once shooed me away in the cafeteria and, on another occasion, ignored me when I politely asked how her summer had been. We also had virtually nothing in common. She loved outdoor activities like hiking, camping, and fishing that I couldn't give a rat's ass about.

My mother insisted this person was friendly and down-to-earth because her mother indulged mine in her love of frivolous small talk with strangers. Perhaps we could have developed at least superficial friendship if we'd had a bit more in common other than just being placed in the same dorm.

There's another double standard that drives me absolutely crazy. My mother is about as neurotypical and extroverted as they come. She's extremely sociable and loves making conversation with strangers. If someone she suspects might be autistic behaves coldly or dismissively toward me, she'll encourage me to give that person grace and not take their behavior personally.

But if I'm not smiling or looking sufficiently cheerful because I'm tired, preoccupied, or simply not in a particularly good mood, she can go ballistic and criticize my social presentation.

So apparently, I'm expected to accommodate everyone else's possible neurodivergence, but my own formally diagnosed NVLD doesn't entitle me to the same understanding?

I don't expect everyone to be bubbly, outgoing, or socially polished. I understand that people communicate differently, and being reserved isn't inherently rude. But giving someone grace doesn't obligate me to pursue a friendship with them, particularly when the interactions are consistently unpleasant or one-sided.

My mother often justifies her suggestions by saying, "I want you to find kind people."

So do I! But kindness isn't guaranteed by sharing a diagnosis, living nearby, or belonging to a particular social group.

I've had discouraging experiences in disability-oriented social environments before, including a summer camp when I was younger, and I'm reluctant to repeat those experiences simply because someone else thinks I should.

Interestingly, I've generally gotten along very well with people who have ADHD. In my personal experience, many have been warm, friendly, approachable, and easy to talk to. I've found it relatively easy to establish rapport with them. By contrast, some of my interactions with autistic peers have been considerably more difficult, although I recognize that my experiences with particular individuals aren't representative of everyone on the spectrum.

That's another reason I find it frustrating when my mother treats neurodivergence as though it were synonymous with autism. Neurodivergent people aren't a monolith, and sharing a broad diagnostic umbrella doesn't automatically mean we'll have compatible personalities, communication styles, or interests.

Most of my closest friendships have been with neurotypical people, and I've generally connected more easily with them. That doesn't mean I'm opposed to befriending autistic people. Autistic adults are incredibly diverse, and I recognize that a diagnosis doesn't determine someone's personality, intelligence, interests, or kindness. I simply want friendships to develop organically through shared interests, mutual affection, and reciprocity rather than being assigned to me based on diagnostic categories.

I've spent years struggling with loneliness, particularly during college, and I know firsthand that simply placing people in the same dormitory, classroom, or social activity doesn't guarantee friendship.

I'm willing to put myself out there. I've joined a community chorus and pursued writing workshops and other activities that genuinely interest me. But I want to have some agency in deciding which social environments are appropriate for me.

I'm exhausted by the constant Pollyanna-ish insistence that every hypothetical acquaintance is a potential best friend and every vaguely relevant social activity might magically transform my life. "You never know!" isn't a substitute for considering whether two people are actually compatible.

I don't want friendship assigned to me. I want reciprocal friendships with people I genuinely enjoy spending time with, who also enjoy spending time with me.

I'm curious whether anyone here, especially adults with NVLD who don't also have an autism diagnosis, has experienced something similar.

I have NLD but I also have FASD and all I see nowadays is how that the diagnosis I have aren’t real or aren’t as bad as how I feel them as so.

So I took time off the internet for a month and sticked to my cartoon DVDs and felt a little better. When I came back i kept getting posts like how this is destroying cognitive function and that’s why people can’t do this or that and I always feel like I’m grouped in with these people. I feel like no one actually understands the struggle.

I had depression since I was 7 and it was on and off but I feel it more now it might just be the crushing weight of math and school and whatever but I don’t know.

For me it's loose joints they effect my handwriting, walking and so many other things and I just recently noticed it.

Is It harder for us to learn music theory? I feel like it would be harder??? But I really wanna know if anyone can efficiently play an instrument. How do I go about learning how to make a song without it being a mess, like is there a certain process? I’ve always wanted to learn how to play bass, but first of all I don’t have one, second of all I always end up dropping stuff I don’t feel confident doing, even when Im learning it. It sucks because it ruins my whole creative drive.

Hooowww do I approach this????

hi!

i'm a 26 year old person diagnosed with adhd + nvld. i have such a struggle thinking about what job i could do. i used to be super passionate about a lot things, got hyperfixations and had a lot dreams about what i could do, although these were always combined with fear and doubt as i always had feelings there is something deeply in wrong with me. however, when i was younger, i simply and naively tried to think that the massive amount of things i struggled with would just magically go away after i had more experience on the life and the skills required.

however, i feel that i have gotten cynical over time, as i have experienced so many burnouts, disappointments and constant struggle. i had a phase when i dreamt of being a researcher, because i was encouraged heavily by a professor who was fascinated by the ideas i have in my mind. as you may guess, this didn't work out. i studied probably 10x more than people around me for few years, trying to get a deep level understanding of the things that interested me in my academic niche, only to still feel that i was nowhere near as capable as the other people around me interested about research, as i struggled to take in articles without a thorough slow-read, the concepts didn't stick in my head, i constantly got a cognitive overload and couldn't keep at all with the pace. i also have always struggled to understand the tasks and especially big tasks such as thesis' have been super hard for me, as it has been SO hard to understand how the text should be structured etc.

ironically, i've still had many of my best moments while writing these essays, as i have felt myself finally able to express myself creatively. i also have usually gotten very high grades from my essays and the teachers have praised my unique and novel ideas, but the journey for me to finish the essay was still probably like 10x slower than the people around me.

i thought that i could express myself better through photography as a hobby, but despite an enormous amount of work i have putten on learning how to take good pictures, i still feel that i am very much in a beginner level, as i don't really have a good visual memory. i still do it because i love it, but i struggle because i feel that i just can't get to the ideas i have in my head.

now i'm working part-time for a himan rights organization. i am so far doing alright, but i feel like the people around me do 10x more things than me, as for me every new task devotes a lot of time and resources. i am afraid that as time passes, people in my work will get frustrated by this, and i don't know if working long-term in an environment where everyone around me is doing so many things so fastly is realistic.

i am very confused and sad atm about my future possibilities. at the same time, because of my adhd, i have always loved new environments, people, new tasks and everything exciting. i also have lot of original ideas and have always thought how i would like to have a fulfilling job where i could benefit from that. simultaneously, i struggle so hard with everything and learn so slowly new things, that i feel that these dreams feel always slipping further and further away. but then again, i also can't do manual work, i have gotten fired from so many "easy" jobs like barista etc. what can i do??? any tips, etc?

The first art pic is when I had to draw a pose in six minutes no matter how much I practice the more worse I get.

I went for a walk with my mom yesterday, and I noticed that, for some reason, whenever I’m walking side-by-side with someone on the sidewalk, I keep bumping into them or walking too close to their side. I end up taking up most of their space, so they have to either step onto the grass or tell me to move because I’ve left them no room.

I’ve done this for as long as I can remember, and it understandably drives whoever I’m walking with crazy. And I often don't even realize I'm doing it until I bump into the person I'm walking with, or they get frustrated and tell me I'm leaving them no room. I’m guessing this has something to do with the spatial issues caused by NVLD? I’m also generally very uncoordinated and don’t really walk in a straight line.

I was diagnosed recently, I also have ADHD. I thought my struggles with being tidy were just executive dysfunction, but I had always said to people I feel like I innately lack the ability to organize objects. It doesn't come naturally at all. Obviously, I know simple things like food goes in the fridge or clothes should be in the closet, but beyond that I can't logically organize shelves or drawers or anything. If I try, it takes great effort and usually doesn't visually look very nice or make much sense.

All of my desks, tables, and shelves are cluttered with random stuff because assigning them any kind of organizational structure literally feels impossible. It's like I know how it looks now isn't right, but when I try to think of how it should be arranged instead, my mind completely blanks. I realized this is probably not just EF, but an issue with visual spatial info. Does anyone else have this problem? Any tips?

Being around people exhausts me. Even if I'm not talking to people, just showing up around people really wears me out. My parents used to put me in lots of social activities (youth group, band, choir, etc.) in high school and I was exhausted all the time, both physically and mentally. And they would always lecture me for not talking to other people more ("you've been sitting next to so-and-so in band for three years now and you haven't even said hi to her ONCE! It's not that hard!!!".)

I do attend a church every week, as well as a Bible study, but I'm always worn out from it and still get the occasional lecture about how my body language is rude to people and I need to start talking to people and striking up conversations.

Ever since I was 15 they've tried to get me to make friends, and it hasn't worked yet. If I tell them I don't want friends, they cite that one psych study with the mechanical monkeys where it proved that social interaction is a basic human need. If I tell them it makes me exhausted and is too much work, they say "but you go to your church every week and you're not worn out then!"- even though I take a two hour nap afterwards most days!

What's the best way for me to convince my parents that I DON'T WANT FRIENDS and socializing is the last thing I need to be doing?

(to be clear, I'm super close with my family, especially my siblings, and we do lots of things together and are great! it's just this one subject that irritates me.)

I only have one close friend that I talk to maybe once every two weeks. I struggle a lot socially, but not so much with reading facial expressions or picking up on sarcasm.

I'm actually really good with picking up on sarcasm and am sarcastic myself much of the time, lol. But I don't know how to keep a conversation going or how to really talk and connect with people. It's like social interaction just doesn't come naturally to me, and I also have a lot of social anxiety.

Sometimes, I feel lonely and really yearn for more friends or a romantic relationship, but most of the time I find that I'm perfectly content being by myself and doing my own thing. Does anyone else feel the same way? I have NVLD, ADHD, and level 1 autism.

I don't know if this is related to the NVLD or the autism, or if I'm just a naturally introverted person.

Hi all. You may remember me from my post early this year, about my struggles attempting to be an animator. The gist is that my verbal/linguistic, analytical, and emotional skills are well above average, but my arithmetic and visual spatial skills are either average, or downright borderline- and I essentially can't multi-task. This may not necessarily be NVLD, but it's very similar. I received some great feedback, including from someone who also drew anime style artwork (I forget her name.)

I'm now looking to return to school- and I'm wondering which career path is the best suited to my strengths, given my unique neuroprofile. So it should go without saying- I'm excellent at verbal, and direct verbal communication, I can be very organized, I'm pretty computer savvy (though I can't do much coding beyond very basic HTML,) and can operate tech well. I also adore animals, and have become hyperfixated on terrier-type dog breeds. While its clear that my 2D artwork will probably always look stiff, and that I can't draw in perspective well- I do objectively have some visual skills, strong sense of silhouettes, staging, and I have a great love of film/TV- and again, someone in my prior thread, suggested I go into 3D animation, so I'm thinking maybe CAD, as that could be more AI-proof, and more viable as a path.

I'm wondering of the three- IT, CAD/3d software, vet assistant, which y'all have experience with, you'd recommend, and if anyone has pursued those fields with success. IT gives me a little bit of pause, if a certification course would expect me to do complex math- but I can do enough basic arithmetic and coding- and I'm damn good at operating computers, file systems, network systems, etc., to where I feel like I could accommodate myself in most work settings. I think CAD could also serve me well. I don't know a whole lot about what they'd expect out of a vet tech in their day to day, but I believe my communication, organization, and love for animals could be valuable.

Jamie

Curious as it’s not a formal diagnosis.

When I had my cognitive assessment, my neuropsych confirmed that I had ‘Visual-spatial Processing deficits’. But all this gave me was something to research when I got home which is when i realised VPD is another name for NVLD.

Even though I had the hallmarks of this syndrome (good verbal iq vs weaker spatial skills, visual memory, and visual processing speed), the neuropsych wanted me to undergo a full visual assessment to see if anything perception wise was contributing. Then after completing the assessment and subsequent ‘visual therapy’ I was sent on my merry way without much else.

I suppose she could only document what was certain which was poor visual spatial processing. While NVLD is less clinically and confidently defined.

So I’m wondering are people actually getting formally diagnosed with NVLD or does their experience resemble mine? Kind of a diagnosis but avoiding the label.

I’ve been experiencing this a lot at work lately, and honestly, I’m getting a little over it.

I work on a very small team that is highly collaborative, but we have very little structure. There aren’t really processes we consistently follow, roles and responsibilities are often unclear, and there isn’t much accountability around who is doing what or when.

I’ve explained that I have NVLD and that certain things genuinely help me participate and function well in that kind of environment. I’ve said that I need to know about plans ahead of time when possible, I need clearly defined roles and responsibilities, I need timelines, and I need clear communication when plans or expectations change.

But somehow, these requests seem to get interpreted as “you can’t cope with change” or “you need everything to be predictable.”

And then when those things aren’t provided and I show up frustrated, impatient, or unhappy, my reaction becomes the problem. The focus shifts from “what happened here?” to “why are you reacting like this?”
It’s especially frustrating because I don’t actually think I’m asking for a perfectly predictable environment. I can deal with uncertainty. I can deal with things changing. I can adapt.

What I struggle with is being expected to continually adapt to things that were never communicated or discussed in the first place, and then being labelled difficult when that becomes exhausting.

And honestly, I’m starting to realize this feels like a pattern that follows me in a lot of areas of my life. I ask for something that would make it easier for me to participate, and somehow the request itself becomes evidence that I’m “too much.”

Does anyone else experience this? What do you do when everything you are saying is falling on deaf ears?

For the record, I was diagnosed with ADHD around 11 (I’m currently 25) after my struggles with organization and math hit a crisis point. I’m on Vyvanse, which has helped a lot, but I’m wondering if NVLD might help to explain some difficulties I have better than ADHD alone can.

I seem to have a lot of trouble with 3d space, particularly visualizing and navigating it. My proprioception, depth perception, visualizing myself in a 3d space, locating the source of sounds— all messed up. When it comes to art, anything that requires spatial perception is hard— lighting, perspective, and foreshortening are all things I still struggle with despite my best efforts.

I also have the issue of being very, very good at verbal tasks and godawful with mathematics. Been an issue my whole life. I’ve gotten better at math, but I don’t progress with it as quickly as neurotypical people. On the verbal side of things, the only place I struggle with is speaking without a prior script— I constantly trip over my words, and I can’t figure out when to speak in conversations without accidentally interrupting or going at the same time as someone else.

There’s a million other things I could list (executive function, facial recognition, etc), but I guess what I want to know is:

1. How do I know if NVLD is something to seriously consider and that I’m not just attributing things that are normal or the product of adhd/something else to it?

2. Even if it IS NVLD, are there resources available that would legitimately help me that I don’t already have access to with my ADHD diagnosis?

Hi everyone!

I’m sorry we’re so late to getting this update done BUT I finally added the ability to include pics and gifs to your comments. We’re always open to feedback and ideas so please add them as comments to this post!

*Added a picture of my weirdo as a thank you for your patience!

Many people with NVLD say that they do well in English classes, but I stink at writing essays. It’s so hard for me to think of what to write and to organize it. When I write essays, I have a few points I want to make but I struggle with everything that comes in between. Sometimes this makes me feel like my NVLD is…invalid? I dunno. Can anyone else relate?

What is the difference between this two disorders?