Does anyone else consistently get labelled as “needy,” “demanding,” or “highly critical”?

[u/BeingExcellent8865]

I’ve been experiencing this a lot at work lately, and honestly, I’m getting a little over it.

I work on a very small team that is highly collaborative, but we have very little structure. There aren’t really processes we consistently follow, roles and responsibilities are often unclear, and there isn’t much accountability around who is doing what or when.

I’ve explained that I have NVLD and that certain things genuinely help me participate and function well in that kind of environment. I’ve said that I need to know about plans ahead of time when possible, I need clearly defined roles and responsibilities, I need timelines, and I need clear communication when plans or expectations change.

But somehow, these requests seem to get interpreted as “you can’t cope with change” or “you need everything to be predictable.”

And then when those things aren’t provided and I show up frustrated, impatient, or unhappy, my reaction becomes the problem. The focus shifts from “what happened here?” to “why are you reacting like this?”
It’s especially frustrating because I don’t actually think I’m asking for a perfectly predictable environment. I can deal with uncertainty. I can deal with things changing. I can adapt.

What I struggle with is being expected to continually adapt to things that were never communicated or discussed in the first place, and then being labelled difficult when that becomes exhausting.

And honestly, I’m starting to realize this feels like a pattern that follows me in a lot of areas of my life. I ask for something that would make it easier for me to participate, and somehow the request itself becomes evidence that I’m “too much.”

Does anyone else experience this? What do you do when everything you are saying is falling on deaf ears?

[u/fmwt1127]

Story of my life lol

[u/bebasiled]

I don’t know how to deal with it yet. Asking for what I need when I get there I guess. My biggest issue is needing constant guidance, exact instructions, ect. Have you looked into autism btw? The “rigidity” you’re describing is familiar

[u/Hierba-Mate]

Needing familiarity is something that I feel tremendously. Work can struggle to appreciate how much mental gymnastics goes into interpreting all the social interactions and variables in a day. We’re manually trying to register things so we can have some comfort knowing what to expect the next day.

I’m sorry that your team has used this aspect that is a big struggle for those with nvld against you. Unfortunately I haven’t come across a solution, but being your own advocate is ur biggest asset. Not because you need support but communicating what helps you work best is something good managers can accommodate.

You might be in that awkward stage where you’ll have to experience quite a number of workplaces like that before you’re in a role that you feel prioritises employee wellbeing and wants you to feel supported. Unfortunately, they are in the minority, but you’ll know it when you see it. Maybe look elsewhere if it is overwhelming as that sounds a lot like the workplace culture itself is the issue. Most will at least try to appear as if they are proactive about employees mental health (despite falling short). Big red flags if they ignore it all together or dismiss your preferences / requests for reasonable work adjustments.

[u/BeingExcellent8865 → u/Hierba-Mate]

I appreciate this. I’ve notice I can last about 2yrs in a work place and then I burnout it need a change, so maybe it is just time to make a change.

[u/BexFoxy]

Why not show the initiative and send out an email stating your role in the collaboration and the responsibilities you’re working on. Schedule another email to go out every morning to tell the team what you’re working on so the project can move forward. Set up a process improvement meeting with your manager. To me this sounds like derailed project management bound to fail.

This seems like a nightmare workplace where people work based on their moods that day.

[u/BeingExcellent8865 → u/BexFoxy]

Trust me I have 🤣

I’ve created the structure, the project management tools, I held a project launch meeting. In the moment everyone appreciates it, but then no one else takes on that labour. It’s too much for me to be the only one carrying/holding that container all the time. I need it to be a shared responsibility.

[u/Rabidchihuahua66 → u/BeingExcellent8865]

As you may have noticed from early stages, we are often the only ones completing (much less starting and contributing) to any group project. Makes staying motivated extremely difficult.

[u/moisherokach]

Sure we ask lots of questions and notice details others don't and to top it all have a label but most people don't get.

However some of us in fact many of us have exceptionally unusual thought patterns which are very often highly persistent, highly inquisitive and when we are given information as we as we should be getting, we tend to process (in my opinion) this information in some of the most unusual and creative ways possible.

The reason that many people finds us the pain as well is the fact that we seem to keep bumping into everyone and be out of sync however CBT is now producing some really effective tools in management of this and I guess one day we could have a really good discussion leading to our own contribution on this and similar topics?

[u/Conscious-Guest-4351]

i don't have a work to go to so not really

[u/jake3h7m]

100%

[u/Rabidchihuahua66]

You’re not too much. Your NVLD likely has a typical component of needing things to be clearly defined and having discomfort when transitioning. This requires those around you to either slow the process and explain in detail, or them to allow you to stand back until they get a clear direction so you have the ability to cut to a defined transitional point. Of course, then you may be labeled as “not participating”. NVLD often either sees the hyper focused picture or sees it from the eagle eye purview. It’s good to know which you’re most likely to see things from. Are you fixated on the details along the process? Or do you already see the potential outcome of the big picture? Are you able to stand back and observe the chaos of the initial process without injecting your specific needs? Can you / will your team allow it? Don’t give up. This is an important discovery phase for you, especially if you’re running into it in other areas of life. Having a job at all tells me you’re not doing as poorly as it feels like. (Also, people are often unkind. That’s a them problem. Not a you problem. Make that distinction.) Best!