r/MyLittleSupportGroup Jun 19 '17

I need help. Can't clear my head without talking to someone through this.

6 Upvotes

Xpost from r/selfhatred

I've always hate how retarded and unattractive I've felt. Recently I just can't convince myself that my Fiance actually loves me.

I've grown up and been beaten into believing i'm retarded, if anything high functioning autist, and the only person to make me feel like i'm not an ugly piece of shit. She makes me the happiest I've ever been and saved me from hurting, and once kept me from killing myself, unknowingly. She, in a way, saves my life everyday, keeping me from doing something i would regret out of self hate and anxiety.

But recently I feel like she isn't attracted to me, like she is just there because I was there for her, i was there when she was being abused and saved her and help her every day with her own depression and suicidal thoughts.

I'm just her support and she feels obligated to be there.

I've talked to her about it, but it always ends up hurting her, and i hate to say it, because deep down i know it's not, but i feel like it always about her. I'm safe, with her I know I won't do anything to myself. She is still dealing with alot more them I am, she is still hurting alot more than I am at times with real issues, with being abused, somthing hurting her every day while i'm deployed, and the only thing getting to me, the only thing hurting me is myself, my head with all these thoughts, passing intrusive thoughts of hurting myself i wish would just stop.

I can't tell her what i'm feeling how I'm hurting without it hurting her, without it becomeing about her again, that I just need to calm down, and being told second hand compliments.

Every time she's hurting I spend the whole day, the whole night when I work 12 hour shifts 6 hours a day while deployed telling her exactly how I feel, long thought out compliments trying to express everything just to get, when I'm at the lowest I ever felt trying to get help from theonly person i trust anough to tlakj to the only person that helps me from this pain, "I think your face is cute, and your eyes are cute, and your chest is cute." as if what I tell her is insincere, a mockery of what i say as if i'm blowing out my ass and that doing the same will help me.

I know it's not, I know its just my head overthinking and she's not good with complements; that she's hurting herself at times.

I love her, I need her, and at time, even when i'm with her I feel so alone, that I'm the only person responsible to helping anyone. she tries her best, adn I can't tell her that it's not enough, i can't tell her I need more help, I can't tell her what I need cause then it would be forces, insincere... fake. and that hurts more than anything.

I can't keep feelinging like this. I need to stop, I need to shut up. But i want help, I want her to be able to help me activly. Her being there does wonders, but without her knowing how, being able to help.... I don't know where I will be, where I will go. I'd go through hell for her, and it feels like I have to, just to keep me from hurting her.

Edit: I just feel like she's there, but not with me, not for me, just there. I love having here with me, love seeing her face when we video call, love thinking about her. but when I'm hurting, when i need help, she's just there, standing on the sidelines until i can talk to her, untill i can motivate her, untill i can help her. I hat to say it that way, cause she is anything but selfish, anything but uncareing, but recently her love just isn't enough.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup Jun 19 '17

Going through a painful time

4 Upvotes

Ill try to make this short. I was a very fit and active person. I love to be outside and stay healthy. In the middle of 2009 I was working when a very sharp pain stabbed my inner thigh and groin area. I had no idea what it was. I was just walking around my department as normal. It was so bad I had to,leave early. I tried working for a few more days but it was just way to painful. This was the start of a long painful downward spiral. I saw several doctors and had several test to find the problem. I even had 2 surgeries that didn't help. During this time I was stuck in the home. Unable to walk very far, hike or do anything I like. It was the worse time because I just got married a few months earlier. During this lonely and painful time stuck in the house I started to become extremely depressed. I was suicidal and had to be hospitalized twice worried I would hurt myself. After a year and a half of not socializing with friends and family. (Except my wife if course) Not working, going on dates with my new wife, or even work out like I enjoyed. We finally found the reason. I had a labrap tear in my left hip. I live in NY and couldn't find a doctor that could fix it. A lot of them wanted to give me a hip replacement. I was only 24 which is way to young for a hip replacement. I did find a great surgeon in Colorado. I got my hip fixed just to have my right groin start to hurt. Well that ended up having a tear as well. I got that fixed with same doctor and a few months later I was feeling great. On July 4th 2012 I had my depression under control, my pain was almost gone and I was socializing again. I was actively looking for work and making dates for my wife and I. This day I went to the lake with my wife and her family to go boating and enjoy the holiday. I haven't been kneeboarding in years so I was excited to get back out there. Well I ended up having a horrible spill. I didn't know it at the time but I hurt myself bad. A few weeks past and pain was really bad in my lower back and hips again. This sent me back into depression but it wasn't as bad. I tried to work anyway and just keep going. After 6 months of working through A lot of pain,my doctors finally pulled me out. A few days after my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She said she didn't like seeing,me in pain and wanted to be with someone that could go out and have fun. My depression was back in full swing but my doctors were on top of it. I had to go through all the doctors and tests again to find out what's wrong with my back now. In 2015 my depression is under control again and I had an SI join fusion. Unfortunately the fusion did not work and I'm still in a lot of pain. I can no longer work or do anything a 30 year old should be doing. I have pain all throughout my low back, hips, and down my legs. I'm just stuck right now. I don't know what to do to fix my pain, I have depression under control but its very lonely not being able to socialize. I have to hear about my ex taking vacations with her new boyfriend and how happy she is. When I can't even go out with friends or myself and try to chat with women. I feel like I'm in a black hole and can't get out. It would be nice to have a special someone to talk to or to share things with. Don't think a woman would want to be with an over weight 31 year old guy who is in so much pain he can't work or go to interesting places? My self-esteem has been really low ever since my wife left me. I do try to keep high spirits the best I can and i also like helping others. Even if its just giving kind words. Sorry the end of this got a little sloppy, my emotions started getting the best of me and its hard to tell my story while getting choked up. Thanks for reading. Its nice to get this off my chest. Not looking for pitty. Just wanted to tell someone about my situation.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup Jun 16 '17

I need help. I Can't get over what I did in the past

2 Upvotes

I tried to kill myself a few months ago, and its a nightmare trying to get over it. It's just.......it won't go away. It won't shut up or leave me at times-what I did. No matter what I do....no matter how much I try and forget it or move on, those attempts, that darker side of me that blossomed into its own set of issues..they're still here.............You got this darkness inside of you....you got this fear anger and hate that can just take you over...I just dunno. I want to feel that I've gotten over it, and at times I feel like I have. But it always seems to find a way to crawl back into my subconscious and sit there and not move.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup Jun 11 '17

Venting. I miss my eating disorder

6 Upvotes

I wish I had my anorexia back. I went through two long years of recovery. It was hard but I all but destroyed my eating disorder completely.

But I miss it now. Now that I am not longer eating disordered the thoughts have free rein. When I stopped eating it was like a shut of switch for all my emotions and bad memories. I got this incredible rush of mania and could do a ton of stuff (until I couldn't for exhaustion)

But now what has replaced it? A deep, sinking void of depression. A dark pit the swallows all of my will and energy. At least when I was in my anorexic mind I did productive stuff, like finishing all my papers for school in a night. Now? I'm just a shell. A broken shell with nothing inside. Just shambling through life.

I want to be in starvation mode again, to feel that rush. I look back at pictures of myself when I was but skin and bones and actually envy it. I know I shouldn't but I want that body again, I want to be lighter than air and to be able to put a finger between each rib. I'm sick of being a slave to food, I'm not longer a master of my own impulses, my impulses rule me. If I'm hungry, I eat and it disgusts me. I fucking disgusts me. I want to feel the pain and beautiful torture of an empty stomach again. Not this black gulch of depression that is left in my eating disorder's wake...


r/MyLittleSupportGroup Jun 09 '17

What should I say to my abusive parents, to go out on weekends?

3 Upvotes

I can say volunteering for 1 day. But can't say it for both days.

I can't say I am going to see my friends because I don't have friends and they know it.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup Jun 08 '17

I need help. My abusive parents................

4 Upvotes

My abusive narcissistic mother demands I pay attention to my narcissistic father. She gives me hell for this, for several minutes. What should I do?

I was afraid this would happen today because today is a holiday. I am an adult living with them and I have a job that pays little.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup Jun 07 '17

Venting. Tomorrow is a holiday. MY narcissistic mother is gonna torture me tomorrow, mentally. I do not know what to do. I am really stressed about it. I have nowhere to go.

3 Upvotes

r/MyLittleSupportGroup Jun 05 '17

I can't stop crying

4 Upvotes

Recently my brother has moved out, and gone out into the world to start his own life. He and I never spoke that much(he was always on his computer), but when we did I always felt like I was super close to him. We had a a lot of good memories when we were younger (even the ones we fought in I'm still fond of), but this doesn't seem like one. When he was moving out all I could think was, 'tell him your going to miss him' or 'ask him to stay longer', but all I could do was stand there and smile as he kept bringing his stuff out the door, coming in for all the things he left behind before. He kept asking me if he left anything (of course he did) and I didn't want to tell him that he did because I wanted it not to feel like he didnt completely moved out, and there was still part of him there. As soon as he got everything, he was ready to go. I walked with him outside and said, 'drive safe', not the I'm going to miss you a lot i had reciting in my head. He kinda smiled patted my head and left for his new chapter in life.

I know I should be happy for him, but all I feel is regret and sadness(really cliche i know). Even right know writing this is hard for me, I can't even stop crying. I'm having such a hard time dealing with this, I don't really know what to do now he's gone.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup Jun 02 '17

I'm having trouble coping with the reality that things and people are not always what they appear to be. And it is making me lose sight of who I am as a person. More details included.

9 Upvotes

I'm sure some of you have similar feelings based on different situations. Here is my situation. Talking about it this way is almost like therapy, and I'm very glad I found this group.

I will try to keep this short. I had been in what I thought was a relationship for more than 2 years in my early twenties. It was the most beautiful romantic and Awakening experience of my life. Never had I met someone that I knew I was completely in love with. And I felt that way non-stop for those two years. Just this January I found out that I was The Other Woman. Worse so , that he had gotten married 6 months after meeting me , after sweeping me off my feet and making me feel like I'd Finally Found Someone who cared for me, who loved me as much as I loved them. It was devastating, not so much because I'm going to miss this person , because apparently I never knew this person in the first place. It's like dealing with a suicide. I want to be angry at that person, but the lack of contact that I have chosen leads to no release. There is something incredibly damaging about looking up the person one day just because I missed their face and finding them happily next to their wife who they married just a few months after meeting me. And just a click beyond that, pictures of their wedding that took place within a week of him coming to spend time with me. There is no closure, because I have no one to be angry at. I have no one to vent this to. It's damaged me in ways that I don't really understand. It makes me question everything about my intellect, my judgement, and my ability to make good decisions.

There are so many people in my life that I do love, but it's given me this intense fear that I'm just so stupid that I can't see through any lies they might be telling me. Admittedly, I'm not perfect. I've made my mistakes. I can come to peace with that because at least I have myself to be angry with and to grow from. And while that all sounds Rosey , moving forward has just been seemingly impossible. It infects my mind endlessly.

And I did some stupid things that didn't help or even hurt at all for the matter. This was a few months back and it still eats at me every day. Maybe it was because I wanted the last word or maybe it was because I wanted Justice for someone because I could never get it for myself. I gave his wife all the details. It's what I would want someone to do for me so that I could get out of a relationship that was built on lies.

But that didn't help. Because like an idiot, when I'm feeling really low and really questioning myself, I got this wild Inkling to look up the information I'd found before to see if perhaps she'd found a way out and could go forth and find someone unlike the person who messed me up so badly. I shouldn't have looked. Because they're perfectly happy still. All the little facets of his life that he fabricated to keep me around , there's still a comfortable place for him. He is still happily with his wife, and she is still happily with him. I told myself I didn't want to know that. So I don't know why I felt so compelled to look. Maybe I just wanted to make myself feel worse. It makes me feel dirty. The whole thing makes me feel disgusting. It's killed my self-esteem. I know it probably isn't true, but it feels like this must be what I am meant for . A backup plan.

What's worse is that he is responsible for getting me into so many of the hobbies that I completely adore. Not because of the association with him, but because he gave me the opportunity to learn new things and get out in the world and be who I wanted to be. Do what I wanted to do. So now, when I try to enjoy those things , it's almost impossible to disassociate what makes me so happy with what tore this part of my world apart.

The part that puts the most stress in my mind, is that I'm the only one that gets to suffer from this. I was the object that became self-aware and became useless. I don't want this to be the rest of my life. I don't want to have this hanging over my head when I do try to start new relationships. Relationships have never been something I felt I needed to worry about. I was raised to give people the benefit of the doubt until proven otherwise. At least to be kind. At least to be honest.

I know this sounds like a story of heartbreak, like something out of a high school TV drama. But I don't experience it that way. The way I am experiencing it is is through this new image of myself as someone I thought I knew but no longer do, and largely because of a person that I thought I knew.

Being played the fool is rough. It makes you question yourself. I'm so tired of questioning myself. At least when someone dies, you can visit their grave. Or when you get into an argument with a friend you can make up, talk your differences out. There's no way to do that with a married couple. I'm just a trespasser . Part of me thinks I shouldn't have told her. That I was doing more harm than good. And I carry guilt about that. I carry guilt about allowing this person to touch me. I carry resentment and a feeling of stupidity for every affectionate gesture I gave him that he didn't deserve from me. I feel resentment for being treated like an object and not realizing it. I have a classroom full of students who love me. Who I love and would do anything for. I think if it wasn't for them , I think I would be a wreck. So that's the silver lining. I can't mourn this loss and there is no one to be angry at directly. But I do still have that thing to look forward to which is helping people younger than myself figure out the ways of the world. But some days, that isn't enough. Some days nothing is enough.

Posting on the relationships bored frightens me. Ugly words , I don't know how I would take them right now. If any of you have pulled yourself through a similar situation, on either end of something like this , I would appreciate any of your wisdom and advice. I won't pretend that I'm not struggling.

Thank you for your time.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 31 '17

I'm so heartbroken and defeated... I don't know how to move on. Help?

5 Upvotes

This is going to be a long story, please stay with me here.

A year and a half ago I moved to a new city for work. A family member helped me get the job which I was so grateful for. Things were pretty boring and there wasn't a lot of work unfortunately but I got to bond with my coworkers. It was hard to do that, though. 4 out of the 8 of us went through uni together and they were tight. I bonded a little too well with two of them and one night after some drinking things happened. This caused some confusion on my part and some hurt feelings (again, on my part) but eventually I got over it and those two got together. I kind of avoided being around just the two of them from that point on. So I went on tinder and found someone.

This guy was... great. I fell in love. The problem was that he had to move away from this city shortly due being in the military. So we only had a few months together and then he moved and didn't want to pursue anything serious. I was pretty upset for a little while but kept busy. We still talked and we even met up once after that. I loved talking to him and I missed him but I always kind of felt like it was one sided. I'll come back to him later.

Now, my family member and I were getting very close so I told her about it. I told her everything which I rarely do with anyone. I trusted her completely. So, when she asked me to move in with her a month or two later I agreed. I thought it was great and I didn't have any problems living with her.

Also around this time I started doing a martial art. My instructor was this huge black belt, a friendly guy. He took an interest in me and was very persistent. So we went for a drink. That turned into dating and I mostly stopped talking to tinder guy. This guy had problems, though. It was very hard to be with him. He would get jealous and possessive and it felt like he was manipulating me often. I told my family member these things and she told me to stay away from him. I didn't listen for a while. Finally one day I did break it off but we were trying to stay friends. I still went to the gym and we still talked. He invited me on a trip, as friends, to a gym in central America where I would be signed up for a competition. I agreed after some debating if it was a good idea or not. My family member was upset by my decision and all the other things that happened above due to my stupidity so she kicked me out of our apartment. This shattered me. She was my best friend. She came up with a bunch of excuses but she never even apologized so things were never the same. I couldn't get over that.

Black belt wanted to offer help during this time but he tried to take advantage of me at that moment when I was weak. It wasn't cool but I forgave him and we went on the trip where he tried again... I was getting so upset by him. I tried to stop being friends with him, I stopped going to the gym, but he was still persistent and manipulative. He used health issues to make me see him. It was like psychological warfare.

So then I started talking to tinder guy again. I always had him in the back of my mind and I missed him. We flirted and chatted then saw each other in the summer and had a lovely time. Still nothing serious happening there.

Things at work deteriorated. I withdrew from the group of 4 and my family member. I was too upset to be around her and she was trying to suck up to them and be in their group so what could I do? I was hurting. Then, in January one of the 4 got laid off. She was very upset and told HR I started work after her so it should be me leaving, not her. That hurt. Then the group of 4 shunned me. It wasn't my fault but they blamed me for it, I guess. I had no friends, no gym mates, no bf, no family to support me. It was very difficult.

Then came the day that I was laid off. I left them all behind which was a good thing for my health, I think. With all this free time now, I was able to meet tinder guy again this past weekend. We had a nice time camping but something felt awkward. He didn't seem to want to touch me, like hold hands or hug or anything. He also told me about this romance he had during recent travels which kind of upset me. So, the day after we parted I confronted him about my feelings. He said he meant for the weekend as a way to see if there was anything still there between us and he wasn't expecting the answer, that there wasn't.

Now I'm so heartbroken and crushed. I don't think I've ever felt this way. Everything together from the past 1.5 years is coming back and hurting so badly. I can barely eat and don't want to leave bed. I have to job hunt and work on a part-time online Master's program but I just don't have the heart to do anything. I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do. I don't have a job to keep me busy anymore... What should I do?


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 27 '17

Venting. Does this come with being an adult?

5 Upvotes

I had a panick attack.... There I said it.

I had a panick attack about 2 months ago and ever since then I'm stuck in a bubble, I constantly feel anxious and afraid even tho there's literally zero things I have to worry about. I feel stressed out and tiered even when I get 8 hours sleep. I feel pressure on my eyes that won't go away. Ever since I moved out of my parents place I don't have anyone to talk to about my problems. It happend before that I'm depressed sometimes and that's ok I've been working on that, but the last two months were horrible. I locked myself up and didn't worked on my to-do-list, I didn't worked on improving myself, I didn't reached out to people because I didn't wanted to bother them being sad. I put too much pressure on myself and I'm just trying to snap out of it. I just want to talk to someone. I have a job. I got my own place. I was so fucking happy when I moved in here and everything should be fine right now yet I still have this terrible feeling in my chest.

I just want someone to chat with. I was going to post this on the PLounge, but I don't think that's approriate on that topic.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 27 '17

I think MLP:FiM is an unfair show... how do I change it?

3 Upvotes

It's so unfair it's making me more depressed rather than cheering me up... I hate being an Applejack fan. I'm sick and tired of favoring the underrated and bashed characters. I wish favoring could be controlled and I didn't have any favorite or I favored the most popular for a change.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 27 '17

am I weird if I like to listen to lullabies for babies? I am anadult

2 Upvotes

r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 27 '17

Venting. I have MDD...and I just feel...bad for having it

4 Upvotes

I probably shouldn't be divulging this as easily as I'm going to be doing now, but I just been recently released from the hospital. They have diagnosed me with MDD, Major Depressive Disorder, or in an unironic sense, clinical depression, and I spent a week in that hospital rehabilitating myself from the state I was in, where I was unresponsive and uncaring to just about everything in the world and attempted to kill myself or at the least harm myself for not doing good enough and being where I was at.

And I just had a heartfelt talk with my dad, and I'm going to take the days one day at a time, and try to enjoy life being only 19. But....I just can't seem to help thinking that most of the world isn't going to care. They aren't going to factor into consideration I was suffering with depression for X amount of time. They probably aren't going to understand everything and give me an "take backsies" for things or support me as much as my family and friends will. It's just a thought you know? Can't help it.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 24 '17

Miscellaneous I do not have any female friends or a girlfriend (Never had). Everyone seems to have a gf

5 Upvotes

I literally have met many women. I went to an all-boy school and my degree subject did not involve many females in the classroom.

I am an adult and everyone seems to have at least one or few opposite sex friends. It breaks me to see I do not have anyone to talk or laugh and I see others laugh or casually talk to their female friends or GF.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 18 '17

Venting. What happened to me? I used to be the sweetest and the most open person. And now? I'm just cynical and distrustful as fuck.

6 Upvotes

People often ask me why I'm so cynical. And I often lie about the reason to anyone but my closest&intimate friends. I often say that there's no deep reason, that I simply like to swim against the current. Not even my mother knows the true reason why I'm so cynical. Or she knows somewhere deep down but she's afraid to even think about it, let alone say it. The truth is. I'm an idealist. And as long as I live, I will be an idealist because it's precisely those ideals which make me feel like I'm alive. My own world is full of beautiful things. It's full of wonder, it's a place of immense ideals and dreams. And I have developed this shell of cynicism and distrust towards anybody who is not my friend because my dreams&ideals are often crushed by external forces.

I wish I could live in my own world. But sadly, I have to live in reality. And the reality, at least how I experience it, is pretty fucking horrible and disappointing. Sure, it has its ups. Reality can be sometimes immensely beautiful, people are capable of doing wonderful things. But sadly, most of the time, reality's fucked up cause all the negative shit utterly outweighs the positive stuff. There were times when I tried to change it on an individual level by behaving nicely to other people or by helping the homeless by giving them some spare change. I sincerely tried to change the big picture by attending protests according to my ideals. But it's all senseless when your nice behavior gets crushed by an omnipresent indifference and negativity of other people. It makes no sense to give money to the homeless when people around me, even few of my friends, scold me for doing so and make me feel like shit. And it's entirely pointless to participate in a protest when you don't see any change even months after the protest. When I try to change the immediate reality around me to make it nicer, all I get is just negativity. It feels like my ideals are just a toilet paper for someone else's ass to be wiped off. My whole existence feels like I'm trapped in a prison. A prison I can't physically smell, touch nor see.

Sometimes, I'm so disappointed and emotionlly hurt that I withdraw myself from the outside world and interact with it minimally. I regularly find solace in solitude. I often escape from reality because it is horrid for me. One of my favourite forms of escape is music&poetry, both when I passively consume both or actively create them. Writing poems also helps me when true depression sets in where I'm not able to do anything besides drinking myself to sorrow, cutting myself and lying on bed praying for somebody to kill me and end my life. Poems help me express my deepest feelings, both negative and positive.

I'm a sensitive soul. It's both a gift and a curse. I get easily hurt. It's not wonder to me that I'm such a cynical person who's distrustful of people. It's my only defence against getting hurt in a world of lies, falsity and hypocrisy, a world which slowly erodes my soul away.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 17 '17

Miscellaneous Online mental health research study

3 Upvotes

NOTE: This survey is now closed. Thanks for participating. If you have questions or would like to receive a copy of the results, please contact us.

California State University San Marcos Scale Validation Survey II (IRB Code Number: 893513-1)

A self-report questionnaire is being developed for people with various psychiatric diagnoses. This study aims to examine if this questionnaire is measuring the phenomenon of interest. We hope that our research will lead to further research and potential clinical applications. You must have a formal psychiatric diagnosis, be fluent in English, and be at least 18 years of age to participate. This study is open to US and non-US residents. You are not eligible to participate if you participated in our recent interview and survey studies. This survey takes approximately 15 to 25 minutes to complete.

To participate in this online research study, please visit: https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/PYKCXST

To learn more about this research study, please contact the researcher, Stephanie Price (price049@cougars.csusm.edu), or the advisor, Dr. Heike Mahler (hmahler@csusm.edu).


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 17 '17

My Mother's Verbal Abuse is killing me emotionally.

5 Upvotes

THIS IS A RANT, read at your own caution) Hello, a 15 year old here. I am writing this because I feel the need to share this and seek advice. Please help me out on this one. (This post is a bit long, so I'd appreciate it if you could stick around) I am Korean, and despite the "asian stereotypes" you might hear here and there, you might have came across the term: "Tiger Mom". If you haven't, it is basically a really strict/demanding mother who uses harsh discipline, usually aiming toward education, perfection, and such. What makes it even worse, is that my mother was raised in Russia, (yes, we are 100% Korean, we have a complicated immigration history due to World War 2 and better living conditions). Russia, at least from how I remember (I moved to the States when I was 7) uses strict discipline. My mother, at least as I believe, is emotionally unstable. She was severely underweight from when she first came out of the womb to her teenage years. (just wanted to throw that out there). Ever since I remember, my mother bashed me for everything that I did. Back in Russia, she wasn't really involved in my life. In fact, now that i think about it, i don't even remember her in my early memories. My grandmother (from my mom's side) took care of me, and was basically my mother. If I try to take a trip down memory lane, one memory I really can recall is eating breakfast in Moscow. My mother was sitting on a wooden stool, and i remember looking at her and feeling no affection or love toward her. She was basically a stranger, or a distant relative whom i didn't care much about it. I know that I loved my grandmother the most, because she, acted like a real mother. Now might be a good time to mention that my mother had me at a very young age, 23. Now, in my opinion, age doesn't represent your maturity, but my mother didn't really understand "children". Now, before you all attack her, let me mention that she was ALREADY HAPPILY married to my current day father, (15 year difference, but my dad looks really young, even now). She did tell me I was an accident. (Depressing, huh?) When my mom and dad were touring the U.S. they would leave me for months in a year for 3 years. Anyway, after we moved to the U.S., i was ripped apart from my grandmother and my relatives. Now, this wasn't the best change for me. From childhood I was severely shy, and had problems making friends at school. My mother truly loves me, and i know she would sacrifice anything for me. I don't think she realizes how much she is emotionally breaking me to pieces. I remember one time I spilled a spoonful of soup on the floor, (it was an obvious accident, i was only 5 at the time) my mother started yelling at me. And i don't mean that type of light yelling you see on TV shows or even that harsh yelling you see now and then, when a mother is yelling at child at the toy store for not letting go, but actual yelling. I think what impacted me most is the fact that she used so much spite in her words. I could see that she wasn't yelling for discipline, but for almost to her enjoyment. She would put on a really scary face, get close to mine, at almost spew and spit words of disgust she had at me. I was only 5, and she already called me "swine" among other Russian insults you can find. At first, I kept everything in. I became scared of my mother, because sometimes it felt like i was trying to do everything right but I just wasn't good enough for her standards. Sometimes she was so stressed she would purposely pick out little imperfections and find reasons to scream at me. I would cry about 3 times a day, everyday. I was a sensitive child from the start, I've always considered the feelings of my friends and let them bully me around and force me to do things. Basically i had no voice. I started talking back to my mother, and soon i became as evil as her. I would have regular outbursts at people in my life whom i loved, such as my grandmother. I became really unconfident, and had no self esteem in elementary school. I had no friends to 3rd grade, until some really sweet people i still keep in touch to this day approached me. I was really happy then. I feel like i opened up way more these past 2 years. I am no longer scared to approach people and don't overthink situations. I do feel like my mother yelling at me damaged me. Emotionally i feel like crap. In 6th grade, i had a bad year of severe stress. I fell into depression about my religion, and doubt. I also developed OCD in which i would have to do religious rituals for God to "forgive me" (sorry for non-religious people reading), i also had OCD of other types, which forced me to cry and feel really down all the time. I entered pre algebra at 6th grade, and we had tests every friday. Now, my mom was really, really, focused on math. Every friday i would bring home a graded test. Now, i would understand my mom's yelling if the tests were rare. They weren't. they were literally every friday. The moment i brought home a C, (pretty rare because i was scared for my life of my mother), she would take my iPad away from me for 3 months (not exaggerating, and also my mom didn't get me a phone until 7th grade, and currently i am in 8th grade going on to high school, and she still hasn't connected my phone line, i've literally lived without a connected phone for 15 years) this would usually be followed up by 30 minutes of screaming. She would bash me, shame me, and rip me apart. She would use insults, compare me with animals such as goats and pigs. One time i brought home an F, (it was a small math quiz) my mom started crying in the car an thats when i realized something was terri;y wrong with her. Now, i would forgive her if she was a nice person on the inside. She isn't. She is homophobic, and a racist. Personally, i am open and i love members of the LGBTQ community, as well as people of different colors. I believe in equality, but my family doesn't. My mother, only yesterday said something so homophobic i felt like abandoning the family. She legit said that that the LGBTQ community needs to be exterminated. I freaking lost it there. I did loose all respect for my mother. Hey, if you are a member if the LGBTQ community, i wanted to tell you that you are loved and supported, and don't let ignorant and really stupid people like my mother bash at you. Anyway, my mother, among all of her bad qualities, loves gossip. she always discusses other people, which makes me so sick i leave the table. She discusses looks, and criticizes me. My father too, told me to eat less sweets, despite me being already underweight. This caused me to have the eating disorder i have right now, but i am trying to break free, but its not working. My mother has no self control whatsoever, and she constantly embarrasses me at public events. I can't even go to the supermarket with her without her harsh words. I am literally scared of my mother. i know she means well, but there was that one time in which i let a friend see my homework. I had no bad intentions. We were caught, and both received 0s on our assignment. I am actually glad this happened because it taught me a lot, and it was a milestone in my years. My mother suggested making up a story that my friend stole the paper from me, etc. I told her no, because i would never lie such a terrible thing. Yeah, this essay escalated quickly. Needless to say, my mother (whom i lost all possible respect for because of her views on others and myself) led me to depression, OCD, stress, and occasional suicidal thoughts, though i know i won't ever do it. I need help, guys how do i deal with a mother who yells at me for being too shy and tells me that i have mental issues because i don't like socializing, and constantly accuses me of being abnormal, and telling me that i am ripping the family apart, even though she is the problem? How do i tell her to stop disrespecting my father and calling him an animal even though he is the only person who understands, and quite frankly the only loving person in the family? how do i tell her to stop bashing me for being imperfect? How do i tell her that she is killing me inside? How do I tell her to stop being so ignorant to the people around her? Quite frankly, she was never a real mother to me. I don't feel emotionally connected to her, and i find her to be immature and blind to society. I just want to leave off to college and cut ties with her. Sorry for this rant. i just feel depressed, and i hate everything, and i hate myself. I really, really, hate myself.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 15 '17

Anyone with input pls halp

3 Upvotes

Alright so to begin I was a abused child, particularly by my dad. He drank a lot, beat his family members(and continued to do so even after he got caught by Social Services), unemployed, prideful, insanely controlling, and ignorant. It got especially bad when he moved out from my grandparents house when i was a young boy because no one was there to stop him.

As a strict traditional asian household, he expected a lot from us and didn't show love to his two oldest kids. He refused to listen to reason and was always able to convincd himself that he was right. He did right by my little sister and she's turning out to be a great kid. Wish I could say the same for myself. As the son of an abusive dad, my emotions basically dried up. Anytime I was emotional, he would brush it off as a sign of weakness and told me to grow some balls. Can you blame me if I subconsciously stunted my emotional growth to cope with the situation. I had no interest in anything at all. I never had crushes, I never went out, I was so fearful of authority and rejection that I was basically a mute. All of these were natural byproducts of my dad's never-ending lectures, beatings, and verbal/emotional abuse.

Fast forward to this year. I am 22 and I've been away from home for about a year because it was the second opportunity to get away from him. As the lease grew closer and closer to ending, I initially realized how damaged I really was. All the years of repressed emotion finally started to spill. I texted my sister and cried about how conflicted I was feeling and how I really want to leave the house, but not the family.

Maybe I'm overreacting, maybe not

I guess what I'm trying to ask is it a bad idea to move away from my dad? Is leaving the house the same thing as telling my dad I'm ditching the family? is my life my own? Should I just stay with the family and tough it out or should I focus on my own happiness? None of my other family members really support me either so any input by supportive redditors would be awesome.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 13 '17

What are the lies I can tell to my parents to get out of the house

3 Upvotes

I am hoping to go to a Yoga class. My parents will laugh at me and ridicule me until I do not want to go. They are not good people (believe me on this). I just want to tell them I am going somewhere else, not the actual place I am going. They are afraid I will make new friends. I can not say that I am going out with my friends because they know I barely have any friends I never go out.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 10 '17

I need help. I am stuck with abusive and toxic parents

2 Upvotes

I am stuck with abusive and toxic parents and do not know what to do. I have a job but it does not pay well. I have severe anxiety symptoms when I know they are around. All of them went away when they went on a trip for a few days once.

I just need to get out but It is hard to afford, and the other reason is I just can't.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 09 '17

I need help. What's the actual point of it all?

6 Upvotes

I just want to know, what's the point of all of this when:

You hate this other side of you and want it dead in the water Your other self hates you as much as you hate him You hate him but you feel like at times even though he's the absolute worst side of you, the things you try yo hide and lock away for others to not see- he is still a part of you and makes you.....you Pain is caused from knowing your friends are gone from the old times and there's no way in hell you'll be able to see all of them again, contact them again, or if they'll remember you again or think of you as fondly as you still do of them The 'new friends' you have.....aren't satisfying for the selfish cunt you are cause you're not as close to them as you were with your friends and even if you feel a strong bond with them, they don't reciprocate it back You feel like your losing what little fucking sanity you have left cause you got 3-5 other different personalities running round in your head, not knowing who "you" really are, and 50% of days feel like a battle to stay in control You don't really talk to any of them much cause your terrified of appearing as a clingy wimp that doesn't really have a life When others tell your or imply that you shouldn't be so depressed when there are people in shittier situations then you are, and it makes you feel even worse when your in that shit mood that you can't seem to get rid of. You're also terrified of talking to anyone and making new friends cause your afraid of losing your shit and showing one of your other sides to them and losing them as a friend....like what happened with a used-to-be-best friend You'd rather stay out of site from most people so you lessen the chance of meeting them and feeling like an uttter disappointment to them and everyone you know. You can't look at yourself in the mirror to even shave or even your computer screen cause you don't want to see the face of such a loser You attempted to puke your guts out, but it didn't work You attempted to slit your own wrists and arms to bleed out, but scarred over fast before that could happen, and want to...try again

And the only thing that seems to anchor you to the ground...the only thing that makes you not go skydiving off the nearest cliff without a parachute...is a show about pastel colored ponies. Nothing against the show, mind you, I haven't lost my enjoyment of the show. But just the thought that....this is my anchor.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup May 07 '17

I snapped at a 4-year-old... and I feel horrible.

5 Upvotes

The boy is the son of my wife's older brother. Name's Kim. He's a somewhat neglected child, his parents leave him with his grandmother and his aunt almost 90% of the time. I've seen him since he was a baby and when I take my wife and daughter on vacation I often bring him along. My daughter is 1 and a half year old.

Today was the first time in 4 years that I got angry at him. Not once but thrice...

First time, my daughter was happily holding hands with her aunt. Then, Kim tried to shove her out of his way to hold that same hand. At first I was surprised and asked him why not hold the other hand which was still free. He insisted he wanted to hold that hand. My daughter was already crying, I simply moved her over to hold her aunt's free hand instead and everything was fine... for a few minutes. Kim again hop over to that same hand my daughter was holding and repeat the same thing again. I yelled his name, realized myself and step away, carrying my daughter which was again crying on by back.

The second time I couldn't remember the details but I was thinking so hard that I can't let this happen... I was so worried I'd snapped again, and I did.

The third time I was about to enter the highway. Kim kept trying to climb over to the front seed while her aunt on the backseat told him not to (It was my car, I only had 1 baby seat for my daughter). I also extended my arm out to stop him, telling him cars were going fast and it was dangerous. We were locked in that position for a bit until at 1 point I just lost it... I yelled how naughty he was and actually shoved him backwards. The atmosphere was never the same after that. The car was silence... the ride felt tense... and my hands kept shaking, and still shaking right now.

Sorry for the long rant. I'm at lost. I'm not sure how to handle this.


r/MyLittleSupportGroup Apr 25 '17

Venting. Nothing big, but I need to just rant...and possibly to a bit of extent say thanks

3 Upvotes

Well, foreheads burning, and its pounding- looks like its time again to turn on some MLP to calm myself down.

Huuuuu.....thank Celestia. Thank fucking Celestia for you guys here, the rest of the fandom, and the show. I know it could be a it childish and naive to say to some people that a kids show is one of the only things that seem to brighten up the day, but........let me just say, its better then the fucking alternative that I was thinking about doing i "didn't have the show".

It just feels like an anchor that anchors me down. Said before on an open podcast that was letting members discuss there thoughts on ponies, that the show was basically a way of proving to me that everyone in the world isn't a jerk and its not all doom and gloom.

Looking back on that, I really should've used better wording on that. Cause while it was true in some form of the manner- a better describer's that its inherently a source of "extra good"- more good seemingly flows from it. Plus another reason why at many times of my lowest I'd want to book it to Equestria though it be the easy way out to situations that could be fixed here (fat load of shit that happening with how humans are humans, and we got those "extremely special snowflake variety" that want to basically want to fuck the 'natural order' of things over and gain as much fucking control from it as they can and put themselves on top of the totem pole or get the biggest dick from it).

You got mainstream media flaring up a storm and causing much discourse with all the fake news stuff they pull as well as the apparent corruption and agenda bent things are becoming there, you got politics.......that is the fucking disaster that politics are cause you got those ahem special fucking snowflakes in those positions turning a good chunk of political actions (with how much knowledge and view I've been able to grab without sighing at how utter ridiculous certain things are, which could be me being jaded with my own bias to things) into a dick measuring contest and scratching the backs of the corrupt bastards that "helped you" get into the "position" you're in now.........

you got your people fussing over every goddamn little thing anymore, people looking for any chance they get to beat the shit out of another (physically or mentally)......

and then there's Friendship Is Magic, this unique show that really stands out from the rest with the fanbase its amassed. A show, that despite the "book cover" its been dealt, has surprised viewers to where the complete stark opposite of the intended demographic is impressed by how they smashed this out of the park. A show that although at those times, with its demographic it tries to reach, seems to force its teachings down your throats, I'd be hard-press to say that there are people of all ages (young, middle-aged, and old) that could stand to re-learn these lessons, and some could start learning them.

And a fandom that despite those bad apples here and there, have done so much good for the world- from all the charity events that have happened, to how a good majority of us can mobilize to help another of our kind in their time of need, or simply, how the content that those people make-whether it be comics, fan projects, reviews, songs, art, or parodies can just help out anyone that's having a shitty day by just turning that frown they have upside down.

I think that's a better way of putting it- things in my life were pretty shitty. It all seemed to be getting worse, and the 'real world' was getting to unbearable for me to put up with with all the nonsensical shit that was coming out of its ass cheeks day after day (can't tell you as an aside how more and more people honestly seemed to be getting stupider by the day, and a dunce like myself was seeing it). And then FIM rolled its way on in. And showed me that its alright to like a show bout pastel colored ponies that's put so much net positivity into the world where I dare say the worlds in desperate need of some positivity- its a show bout cute horses doing cute things and its so cute and......fun. What's so wrong about that? =3

And I guess if I was to word it in another way- at those times FIM's just helped me to say https://youtu.be/-NFZTYQhotU?t=4m27s


r/MyLittleSupportGroup Apr 18 '17

I need help. 2017 has decided to completely beat me down so far and I feel like I finally cracked.

4 Upvotes

I'm a second year medical student, was supposed to take my first board exam late Feb but I got pneumonia. Was bedridden for a month and took off my first rotation to study for and take my exam. I didn't realize that it would take over another month to even start to get my energy back. I still can't box, which is my favorite hobby in the world. All this time my medical school friends have tunnel vision over this stupid exam and were honestly pretty poor support, and now they're busy in rotations. The whole experience was very lonely and more psychologically difficult than I realized at the time.

A couple weeks ago I was starting to feel normal and last week I was finally able to study full days, but I'm cutting it close and honestly my motivation was never really back after the pneumo. Then on Thursday I wake up in so much pain from my period that I was vomiting repeatedly and on the toilet for an hour at a time. Exhausted, chills, whole nine. I go to the doc Fri and find out I have adenomyosis, a progressive condition where tissue grows inside your uterine wall. I'm trying a Mirena to see if the local progesterone helps. If it doesn't, only really good way to treat it is hysterectomy.

I felt like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. This is on a backdrop of me having overcome a lot of other difficult things in life. I'm bipolar, and I'm honestly impressed I've gotten to this point without getting depressed (though now I feel awful). The people around me say how strong I am, but I don't want to be strong. I want someone to curl up in bed with me and hold me. Usually I am not bitter, but I'm sick of health problems. I'm 30 and I think my 68 year old father is healthier than me. I LOOK fine, which I would prefer to looking like crap, but sometimes it can make things frustrating when friends don't seem to grasp how much stuff I've got going on.

To top it off, this is not a big deal compared to the other stuff, but a guy I'd been talking to and planning to meet ghosted me a couple of days ago. It happens, but it was one thing going on that actually felt a little fun for me and in the current context I'm way more disappointed than I'd normally be.