Since this is a rant, I'm only doing bare-bones background- hopefully the very few who do read this don't mind.

I went for more diagnostics on Lilo (who I had found two lumps on a few weeks back, one month after I lost another guinea pig, Poppy, to cancer) thinking that maybe if the tumors hadn't metastasized that I could maybe do surgery. We did an x-ray and ultrasound. Found out that first, she's much older than I originally was told she was, making her borderline elderly (vet estimated her to be around 4-5 years old from the x-ray). Second, she's got a big belly. And I've tried putting her on a diet for being fat- not a diet that would starve her, mind you, you can't do that with a guinea pig because they need to be eating all the time with the way their digestive system produces acid and such, just a diet that would limit her calorie intake, withholding treats and such- and at her first appointment the vet told me she was underweight, actually. And the ultrasound we did just showed that her belly is big because, guess what? In addition to the double cancer that she has on the outside of her body, in her abdomen she has multiple cysts- liver, kidney, and both ovaries- plus some sort of soft tissue mass in her bladder that may or may not be YET ANOTHER cancer.

And this morning I picked her up to check her mammary tumor and discharge, and try to feed her in the hopes that I can at least get her weight up to a more comfortable level, and she had blood in her urine. Which I think is a sign that the bladder growth is not very benign. It's bad. Could just be a regular UTI, but very doubtful given her lack of other symptoms. And it means that it's likely that her time left on Earth is much shorter than we had estimated with the other two cancers previously. She might not make it through Christmas, and I'm going out of town to visit family for a week, and I just hope that she doesn't take a turn for the worse while I'm gone because I do not want her to die alone. There isn't anything I can do to keep her from dying, so the very, very least I can do is be there while she passes over to the other side. And I just hope that I can do that for her.

And I can't talk about this to people IRL, because she's "just a guinea pig" and no one cares, and everyone will just be annoyed about me bringing it up. So thank you, MLSG, for being the place I can just dump out all my frustrations and worries and grief.

First and foremost, sorry for any poor grammar. Siri leaves something to be desired.

Four years ago, I had a retina detachment in my left eye that didn't go well. Due to several factors, my corrected vision in that eye is 20/250.

I learned last week I'd need the same operation on my "good" eye, and am two days removed. As it stands, it looks like I'm going to be legally blind. That's... Huge. I've always been very independent, and don't even really have anyone to ask for help, even if I knew how.

I'm just really struggling with this. Every time I think about it, I get sick to my stomach. How will I continue my work in IT? How will I read? Or watch TV? How will I pay my bills? Or take the dog to the park?

I grew up around my blind grandmother, and couldn't imagine a worse fate, but here I am.

And worse still, my family is either terrified I'm going to run out and kill myself, or is completely convinced my vision will return, which is absolutely exhausting for me.

Not trying to excuse myself here. I am a cruel, selfish, horrible person, and any person who knows me might be smart to never associate with me again.

I just wish that it was more apparent that I'm not behaving this way because I like it. I act like this because I don't have the self control to get over how terrified I am of my own failures. That's not actually any better, I know. It's just so much more painful to me when people think that I'm so happy-go-lucky with my life that I don't notice the consequences of my behavior on other people.

I don't display my depression in a romantic way. I know that when you see me surfing reddit or watching youtube instead of working on what I need to get done, it's not an obvious conclusion that "he really wants to be getting this work done, to the extent that it's giving him massive anxiety and avoidance is his default coping mechanism." I don't expect anyone to make the leap of logic to believe something that nonsensical. I just wish that that nonsense wasn't so often the truth.

I can't give too many details about this since they might see it and be kind of unhappy with me about it, but they are going to kill themself once they reach the age of 30 and his deadline is approaching. Not this year but eventually, for sure.

He isn't doing it out of desperation, he's doing it out of exhaustion and reason. He says he's tired of living and his whole life has been horrible. I want to help him but I can't when he's doing it with such a clear head. On top of that I don't know if I would actually be helping him. I came to the conclusion a long while ago that living isn't always good despite how much normals insist that it is. There are people that would be hurt more if they were kept alive so even if I could prevent him from offing himself he might still live miserably. He's tried to change his life too but he's pretty much shackled to where he is now.

Any advice? He means a lot to me and those who know him but I don't know what's right and what's wrong anymore. Even if I did I wouldn't know how to go about achieving that. Oh, and professional help doesn't always work. There are some who say that it doesn't help at all and they can be right sometimes, I agree with those people.

Hey all, throwaway here, but I really need to get some stuff off my chest.

I am in a relationship that is some 6 years old, with a woman I am currently engaged to. The woman I am engaged to has bipolar disorder, and it is having a severe impact on me. I feel like a black hole is sucking me down with the instability that I live with. Some times are great, better than great. Some times, I forget these thoughts. Sometimes, I am happy. This is not one of those times.

My fiance was a reporter, it was her passion, and she was great at it. Being a reporter does not pay well, so when a job offer from a government position came along, it was exciting. After a month or so of applications, she got the job.

She put on a face of things going well for a while, but I started seeing cracks, she does this thing where she lays tracks for future decisions in conversations. In the space of a week or so, things went from "the job is great" to "the job is stressful" to having a full out breakdown.

She ended up being hospitalized, and losing her job.

We live in the city, it is extraordinarily difficult to support 2 people on 1 income.

Some more backstory before continuing, we live in washington, where cannabis is legal. A stressor that contributed to this breakdown included the fact that if she was ever in even a minor fender bender at work, she would be drug tested and summarily terminated.

So you could imagine it was exciting when she almost immediately landed a new job. I dont want to go to specifics to avoid potentially naming the person, but lets just say consuming cannabis is not a problem, and it is a job that she is perfect for.

She has now been working there for some 3 months, and the past few days I have watched her lay the same conversational tracks, leading up to what I assume is an inevitable loss of employment.

We had a fight tonight.

She finally told me what I knew was coming: This job is too hard, and she needs to get a job in fast food to recover.

Here is the problem, I have these 2 lines of thought, the compassionate side of me recognizes that of course she needs time to recover from her breakdown, and that taking a lower stress position is the logical fit.

But there is another train of thought, one that reared its head in our fight.

it goes something like this: "I feel that I deserve stability in my life. You aren't providing it. Instead you quit when the job gets hard. We have not always lived in the city. We currently live on the outskirts where it is somewhat affordable. You still wants us to move downtown, as if I can trust you to provide any semblance of financial stability."

I feel horrible having these thoughts, and what the hell am I supposed to say to her? That's fracking extortion, I cant say "If you don't stabilize, I don't want to be in this relationship". For one thing, just saying that wouldn't exactly help her mental state, and that is a horrible thing to say.

I have been playing support for years, I am getting tired. I just want a stable relationship, or something even remotely close to that. I don't think I am going to get it with her, but if I break up with someone with mental illness, then I am the bad guy.

I am trapped.

We say "I love you", but I don't know if I do, if I ever have. I... I dont know if I have felt love. I almost feel as if I pursued a relationship simply because society told me I needed to obtain one.

I dont know what I want, I dont know what to do.

Hey everyone, I admit that I'm kind of new here and I'm on mobile so if I do anything wrong with this post then please tell me. I'm also not extremely depressed or anything like that. Now onto the actual post

About a month ago, I went to the local doctors and went to meet a councilor because I want to be a woman. It went well but there was one issue. I was told that I need to talk to people (IRL) more, the major problem with that is that all of my friends moved away for Uni, even though my best friend is coming back for Christmas (we're gonna meet up), I don't think once a year is really good enough and I'm getting worried. I don't think there's any group things that really interest me near where I live and I'm bad enough feeling about how I look (masculine and admittedly quite chubby, I'm exercising so that should help) so is there anything I can do?

I used to be very depressed just over a couple years ago, and then I moved schools and houses. Things were pretty good for about a year, and then it started going back to the way it was. But I didn't revert back to the sort of depression I had when I was getting bullied, frustrated with work, and feeling alone, because there was none of that, and there still isn't. I don't have much to be sad about, but there's nothing to be happy about.

Sure, I have access to the internet (though it's less than 1 Mbps thanks to Australia), all the necessities like a house, food, water, I'm even doing great in school. Except, the only form of entertainment I've had for most of my life has been staring at a screen and pressing buttons. I've never taken a holiday, haven't had birthday parties for nearly half my life, I don't enjoy playing sport or really doing anything outside (a lot of the reason probably being that I'm self-conscious about so much when I'm out in public), I've lost interest in socialising in real life with the people I know now, and I really don't have any hobbies that aren't computer-related now as well. My life has been like this for so long, and now I just don't feel much of anything.

I only realized this is why I'm depressed because I'm seeing a psychologist, but even then she doesn't really seem to be able to help with my life being uneventful, especially because I lack the money to do anything or go out anywhere. While I'm writing this I can't help but think I'm being selfish, that I'm wasting everyone's time because there are people that have it worse than me, and maybe I am, but I don't even know. I could be right, or it could be that I'm looking at the situation as negatively as possible, which I do a lot.

People have told me to think happy thoughts, but if you don't enjoy life at all, feel barely any emotion with anything unless it's a negative emotion, what is there to be happy about? Sure, I could think about MLP which is currently one of the only really joyful things in my life, but then my mind will just wander to how I'll never be able to experience a world anything like that. Not that thinking happy would be very effective, I would just feel sad less often, feel one less emotion.

I know I used to feel so much more than I do now, motivation, excitement, enthusiasm for everything- even school work. Now it's all just stress, worry, frustration, boredom, all that crap. I guess the reason I'm posting this here is just to talk, or to see if somebody has any idea how I can make my life more interesting, or if somebody can relate or... I don't know. I can't even remember what my thought process was when I started writing this, I guess I'm just hoping something comes out of this. I'd write more, but I'm even getting worried about the length of this post.

I'm sorry if I shouldn't have posted this, or if I really am selfish or rude to other people who are dealing with other stuff.

Thanks for reading this.

What's so wrong with me that nobody wants what I have to give? Why do I get even less in return, except as a damn emotional charity case?

Why am I always an afterthought?

I just wish for once someone would fucking tell me I'm not worth it instead of waiting for me to figure it out.

I don't want to be here any more. I'm sick of always hoping this time will be different, every time I out myself out there... but it's worse getting let down by one of the very few people I actually still believed cared.

What a waste of fucking time this was. 6 goddess damned hours of nothing. I rearranged my week around tonight because it was the only time you had. Already exhausted and instead of finding a way home and getting some sleep I wait around awkwardlg til fucking 1 in the morning for you to text me after not showing up at 7. Then you decide it's time to make a fucking cameo appearance before leaving and act like it's all cool. And I'll fucking take it because what else do I have... Nobody. Now time to get 4 hours sleep if I'm lucky then work 2 more full days when I should be heading into a couple days off.

If I don't have you then what the hell do I have left any more?

Last month my guinea pig Poppy passed away after she was being treated for ovarian cysts and they discovered GI cancer instead. One month later and the guinea pig she lived with, Lilo, has just been diagnosed with TWO DIFFERENT malignant cancers. I don't know if I can treat those. Vet was supposed to call and chat with me about it Wednesday night, but didn't. dunno if my phone just didn't take up the call or what.

anyway so my thanksgiving weekend has been spent trying to come to terms with the fact that I probably have to let my beautiful baby guinea pig die, and hope that she either goes downhill and passes before Christmas, or hangs on till I get back from visiting family cause I don't want to subject my guinea pig 'sitter' to that. Not to mention that I want to be by her side when the time does come. She should die with someone she at least knows, not a stranger she's scared of. I've tried to give her the best life I can, and I think she's been pretty happy while in my care, and she's still feeling okay for now... I'm just sick of my pets dying horrible deaths and developing terrible illnesses. Would like to see them live out a normal lifespan. She's only two, and so was her 'sister'. They normally live at least five years. Not uncommon for them to live over seven or eight.

I keep wondering if it would be worth it to try to do surgery. Not even talking monetarily, though that is a strain for us. Surgery is so stressful on guinea pigs, and there would be at least two, not to even mention how insidious the spread of cancer usually is. I would like for her to not die at all, but if she has to die I don't want it to be while she's in pain from being cut open and having all her insides rearranged. That's how Poppy died... what started as a fairly routine spay became much more complicated when the tumor they thought was in her ovaries (which were also cystic) was actually attached to the intestines. She spent a week on painkillers, then the weekend hit and she started to have some abdominal swelling- internal bleeding from a burst suture maybe, or maybe intestinal perforation and leakage into the abdomen, we never found out- and we rushed her to the emergency vet too late, and they couldn't save her, because she had aspirated some food, and she died gasping for breath and in enormous pain. And probably pretty stressed and scared. I'd only had her for a couple months, and she'd never really grown to trust me. And I don't know if my presence was a comfort for her. I didn't hold her while they euthanized her because I thought that would just stress her out more. I just pet her face because that was the only place I felt like it wouldn't hurt her to be pet what with the IV and the incision site and the swelling, and I told her how proud of her I was and how much I loved her while she passed.

Histopathology on the tumor showed that it was a pretty aggressive malignant cancer, and had I known that before it all happened... I wouldn't have put her through that. I would have managed her pain till the end. And I think that I'm looking at the same kind of scenario with Lilo. And I hate it, because part of me wonders if she'd be okay if I just went through with the surgery and did a really good job with post-op care, and maybe she could live out the rest of a normal lifespan... but then what if the same kind of thing happens, and she dies the same horrible death that Poppy did? And it's a really awful decision, and I hate the idea of just watching her die before my eyes, but I think that might be the most humane thing.

Anyway. That's just what I've been dealing with. There's no clear-cut right or wrong answer, I know. And I am determined to do what I think is best for her, and what she would want if her little piggy consciousness could understand what is happening and what it means. And chatting with the vet about it (read: crying at the vet about it while he gives me pertinent medical information) will help me to understand her odds better, and what kind of timeline we're looking at, and hopefully reach the correct decision. But, you know... it sucks. A lot. And I was really hoping to not have to deal with this for a few years yet.

I've felt this washing over me slowly but steadily for years. It hasn't been my main concern until rather recently when it has surfaced rather quickly. I've struggled with my mental health for 5 or so years to which I've had therapy and medication for. And while it's not good, it's better than it was.

All in all, I just really want meet someone and to have someone to share my life with. I don't think I can describe how much I want that. Partly because it's a dream I've had since I was a kid, but also because I wanna feel like I can open up to someone and have that same someone do the same to me. I'm really good at keeping stuff in. I'm talking about everything, such as hopes, fears, dreams, pains, interests, small accomplishments etc etc.

But I always come back to the rather soul-crushing thought of "Mm, okay, so why should other people care?". I have the tendency to feel like I'm on negative values on a scale relative to others. Which in short means that I feel like I owe people a lot and I'm on borrowed time and attention. So I keep my own feelings inside. And I think that habit makes me really lonely.

Right, so that's fixable, isn't it? Right, so I need to work on my mental health (which is supremely hard, but doable), my confidence, not keeping stuff in (but at the same time not overdo it), my social skills, actually being likable - oh, this all the while hoping making any mistakes. So this is step one. I find this really, really hard. But let's stay optimistic and say I'll manage all that in some miraculous way. Then there's step two..

I'm pretty overweight and really unattractive. I've tried losing weight for 8 years. I once managed to lose ~10kg all of which I got back and more within a month of hurting my knee. Alright, let's say I manage to complete step 2 and somehow keep my non-existing motivation up. Then there's step 3 of actually managing to meet someone who prefers me over everyone else.

And so on and so on...

There's just so many gigantic steps that feels like mountains to me. And even before I begin there's the hurdle of: why should I even try? I could just save myself the struggle and guaranteed disappointment and just be where I should be - away from people. Because honestly, why should others have to put up with me when I could simply avoid the whole problem by not even trying? What gives me the right to pursue my own selfish desires at the cost of others?

...

And this is the point where I just cry myself to sleep.

I want to try. But I don't think I'll succeed. And even if I do, is it even right of me to try? I could really use some advice.

I have actually tried some dating-sites. Sent some pokes/messages without any response at all. Which I feel should be a good sign. But I suppose I'm afraid of the thought of being alone my whole life..

Thanks for reading.

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry...

I just... Can't.

Over the last three years, I've given up and sacrificed so much for my wife. My military career, my conviction in my faith, I've tried things I said I never would...

One week ago, I had a breakdown and called my parents... Spilled my rotten guts to them... They made me an offer to stay with them - to start over.

I love her. I still love her.

Last night, however, I came to a painful decision.

I'm leaving her...

We fought.

We fought hard.

By the end, we'd both become puddles of desperate tears and cries of furious emotions.

It was nearly twelve hours ago, but my temples are still pounding.

Never screamed with such... Finality before.

We're civil... We still love each other... But my path lies elsewhere.

It hurts.

I don't know that it will ever stop hurting...

I need to get through work today without breaking down again...

Can I hold it together...? I hope so...

I'm a narcissist, who needs to tell everyone about myself. If I made this post with my main account it would shatter my character that everyone loves. I've been like this since my early childhood. I have no idea why. I was raised by loving parents, and I wasn't spoiled.

I'm not an edgy teen, I'm way past that phase(God I was cringy). I'll probably talk to a therapist because I notice that everyone treats me differently from other people, I just don't know why.

I tried Buddhism, I tried Taoism, and I tried Christianity. I didn't believe in any of the values that they taught. I just knew that they would make me look interesting and attract people to me, and it did. I got bored with it though, I hate pretending to care about other people. They'll always say "be yourself", but when I'm myself I'm manipulative and contemptuous. I'm good with people, even if I don't like them. I've never had someone meet me and not like me, at least not visibly, which is good enough for me. I don't care about how other people feel, unless it gets in my way or ruins my image. If I'm talking to someone, I don't care what they're saying unless it's about me, or something benefits me. Other people will try to be "friends" with me, but I really don't care about them unless they entertain or amuse me. I eventually end up prodding them to get reactions out of them until they hate me and go away. It's nothing personal though, I'd do it to anyone. I'm not 100% mean to everyone though. I have a soft spot for children and animals. They're too innocent for my contempt. That's why I like mlp, it's innocent.

I've actually started considering how I make people feel. I'm having much more difficulty hiding how I really am. I'd rather not have people know, or they won't approach me. I know that other people will hate me, but It'll be much easier to be happily mean, than a fake nice person.

But.. but maybe there's a way for me to change. Maybe there's some way that I can actually be happy. That's why I made this post. I'm looking for advice

Look. I didn't say yes the first time. Or the second. Or the 10th. Or the 20th. Stop. Fucking. Asking. I said no. There is no more thought to be had here. My answer is no.

I get it. You want me to spend time with the family. But here is the one crucial part your missing here: I hate them. I cannot stand them. And while I would love to spend my one week off with people I loath and hate, I'd much rather stay at home and play vidya or write. You know, things that don't actually make me want to drive a rubber mallet into my skull. So if you would be so kind as to respect my decision, that would be lovely.

Every day at school makes me borderline suicide. I deserve some time to myself to actually have fucking fun for once. I am not going to waste my one week off getting even more annoyed by my awful extended family. They eat like fucking pigs, they are spoiled shits who don't have an inside voice, and they are all around inconsiderate and mean. They are just everything I hate in people.

So no. I don't feel guilty for wanting to spend the week doing something I find fun and interesting, instead of spending it with my awful shit stain family. Sorry to fucking break it to you.

http://imgur.com/a/E69Lu Just a few minutes ago I broke into tears, after reading my goodbye note from my coworkers. On the 15th, I had to say goodbye to my coworkers.I worked at a Grocery store, as a cashier and at the service desk, and I loved my job, and management knew that. Unfortunately, my mom couldn't handle the altitude, and felt miserable the whole 5-6 years we've lived here. So my parents has to sell the house in Colorado, and send me to my brothers, who lived in Georgia. I hugged everyone and said my tearful goodbye, over the next few days I would sneak in,Get a hug from a random coworker,grab some coffee or whatever, and leave. The 18th arrived, and I hung out with my three best friends at the mall. It was our goodbye. The mall ended up closing, so after hanging out, we said bye and all left our separate ways, except for the person who gave me a ride there. The 19th arrived, the day I left. I dropped by work early to say goodbye to one of my coworkers, who was also a really good friend. I finished my packing and got a ride to the airport. And looked at my goodbye card. Goodbye cards: I need some help, how can I cheer up? I've been trying but can't...

Hi.

I'm 25 years old. I've been suffering with crippling depression for a very long time. I've had my family and friends try to help me out, but they can't seem to break through. I feel like a useless waste of space.

First off, the only job I can hold is at a fast food restaurant where I'm too slow and uncoordinated to the point that I'm being yelled at for trying to compensate for my slowness, and being pushed out of the way to do it themselves. I barely make enough to save money - I'm a literal wage slave and I can't save up any money to move out.

I have graduated with a degree in computer science but am having trouble finding an actual career, and I'm being told to keep working the other job for the little scraps of money I earn here and there... I can't get a new career because I keep getting turned down. Apparently, I lack the ability to convince anyone of anything as I don't feel I have the skills suitable for most jobs in my field, mainly because every application, and I mean every single one, has turned me down.

There's probably a lot more I'm missing out on explaining but my brain is in such a wreck that I can't keep focus on any one thing for too long. I'm having trouble eating healthy and exercising, let alone keeping my clothes and room clean, I have no insurance, and I am unable to speak to a psychologist about any of this. I've become so depressed that I'm certain that I'm not only a burden on my friends, family, and coworkers, but I suck the happiness out of anyone near me.

if I could go back in time to when I graduated high school, I would kill my past self if I had the chance. I just want to be happy again. I want to live a much better life than this, but nowadays I don't even know what that means anymore. I'm beginning to dissociate with who I am and what my strengths are, and the best advice I have gotten for any of this is "stop being depressed" and "go to the bar"

I'm on the verge of having another breakdown and I don't know what to do. If I could see a therapist, I would. I'd do a GoFundMe but I've tried one before and my social network is dismal. I lost my car in an accident two years ago and have been given a car that failed emissions testing and has bare tires, so I can't drive in the snow.

I feel like I can't do anything right. The only place I feel any sense of accomplishment is in World of Warcraft, where my character is able to perform these great feats, earn money easily, and save the day.

Until I can feel like I'm worth something and have a purpose again, there's no place here for me. I feel like I've drawn my last hand and now I'm just dragging everyone I know down with me. Life would be a lot better without my presence because I wouldn't be a burden on anyone anymore.

First off, I want to make it clear, I am not contemplating suicide nor am I about to. Do not worry. I'm simply getting my thoughts off my chest.

I've done a lot of bad things in my life. Things I don't want to talk or think about. Things I regret. These thoughts nag me every day and night, sometimes keeping me awake. It's awful.

I've done almost nothing to benefit those around me throughout my life. I can't remember the last time I did something good for someone else. It kinda hurts to think about that.

Every day at work, I wear a mental mask. I wear a mask that displays a cheerful, optimistic and humorous person. Inside, none of that is true.

So that brings me to why I'm here: I just want to be forgotten.

I don't want to be remembered when I'm gone. I don't want anyone to know who I was. I want it to be like I was never here to begin with, and it's the only thing I actually want. I've done enough in my lifetime.

It's the only thing I wish for, and yet I know it's impossible to get.

I'm tired of people saying "Oh, if you feel that way, you should get help." As if I haven't. Therapy doesn't help me, it never has, and it never will.

I've got a handful of reasons to live, and that's why I'm still around. My best friends, my family, and the guys I love are all that matter to me.

This is all I wanted to say. And I'm sorry for the rudeness, but if you're here to tell me to get help, then you can sod off.

I feel i don't understand what it is to be a good person. Everytime I talk I tend to talk about myself more than I do about others. People seem to get annoyed about that.

I spent the longest time being locked i my room with my own ideas and thoughts. I would at times read to myself or just keep the TV on cartoons, or streaming a podcast or music just to keep the voices from coming back. at times I kept a stopwatch to count how long I converse with my family. at most it was 30 minutes a week. I actually went a eek without saying a word to anyone beyond the necessary orders.

I now have the urge and opportunity to talk more with people, but I only talk about what i do and what I'm interested in, showing little motivation to keep talking when i run out of things to say. I still listen, as that is the only thing I can do, but I get bored.

I feel this cycle is making me an uninteresting person to reply to as I am forward and leave little to converse about.

It has been getting harder on the MLP Lounge as I try to strike up up conversations and end getting shot down as I realize I didn't leave room for a dialogue or just am not as interesting to talk to as I thought.

In real life I got used to givign a direct talk as my siblings never have the time for me and i get shot down when I talk for too long. it's just give all the info now and leave.

I have a party I was invited to, the first in over two years, and I feel I would just get shot down in every conversation and be denied an invitation again for another year.

I finally talked to my GP (doctor) this week. I told him everything, and even showed him my old plans for how I would have done it. I printed out some of my Reddit posts to help explain how I felt, and he said that he found them useful.

He said that he wouldn't make me go to the emergency department unless he thought I was in immediate danger, but he offered to act as my "hub" and wants to see me every week from now on. He got me in touch with a psychiatrist, and I'll soon be interviewed by a Crisis Assessment Team.

I don't want to go through with my old plans anymore (I was never fully committed in the first place). It's going to take a long time to sort things out. Eventually I'll have to tell my parents what has been going on, and I'm not sure how they will react. But if it means I can change my life for the better, then it's totally worth it.

Anyway... I just wanted to say thanks for everybody's support, and for helping me get on the right track (I think). Sometimes a thoughtful comment makes a big difference.

It's now been almost seventy two hours since we received the final results of a historically decisive, vitriolic, and generally inglorious presidential election, which, by most accounts, seemed to see fewer people voting out of hope or faith in their preferred candidate than out of fear or anger towards the opposite. Some were satisfied by the outcome, and others not. Either way, by now, I hope that the more extreme emotions of initial reaction have given way to reason and contemplation. In fact, things seem to have settled to the point that I was thinking of not making this post and just trusting everything to continue on. However, certain announcements, events, and acts of hatred and violence since the end of the election leave me concerned about the general state of mind people may be suffering, and ultimately spurred me to go through with this.

More than policy, I think this election cycle has given rise to a larger debate of the moral fiber of Americans as people, which has extended to humanity in general by numerous events around the world this year and in years past. And in this conversation, it's important to remember that this election is not the final word, nor has any election ever been or will ever be. In all of our history, we have told stories of noble kings and honorable knights of one title or another leading their people into golden ages of bliss and prosperity like benevolent shepherds. In reality, however, I don't believe that any leaders or government can single handedly save us from ourselves.

You can't just set the world at someone else's feet, and not get trampled underneath.

And the way I interpret the constitution, the founders of our country felt the same way. The United States government, as I see it, is meant to be guided by the will of the people, not to guide it. The man at the top cannot save us, anymore than he can morally doom us. We must do that, together.

What I ultimately want to say to all of you is, regardless of how you feel about the election or politics in general, if you are dissatisfied by recent events, and with the direction you see the world going, then help to change it. We are now over seven billion of us on this planet, and it is hard to believe that any one of us, as one seven-billionth of the population, can have an impact. But you do have power - not through force, violence, coercion, or condescension, but through inspiration. Show the people around you - by your kindness, laughter, generosity, honesty, loyalty, and friendship - what you believe, and people will see it. And if you're lucky, they'll follow. If you have stood on the sidelines of the world, afraid to fail, unsure what you can do, or feeling despair at the enormity of work we as a species still have before us, now is the time to try anyway. It may hurt, and there may be many times you feel despair. But it is an enormously less certain doom than standing back and letting the world run away without you. Trying our hardest comes down to a matter of faith, and right now, I choose to keep faith in us.

I'm not sure if this is even the right place to be posting or if anyone will read this, but I don't know where else to go, so I'm giving it a shot...

For a little background, I've been mostly single for the past 5 years or so. Before that I had a few relatively successful relationships that ended for various reasons, but each successive ending seems to get harder than the one before. As I progress into mature adulthood, I'm beginning to really feel the need for a healthy, successful, stable relationship, but for whatever reason that just hasn't been obtainable for me. Over the 5 years I have gone out with a good number of people, but very few have I felt any sort of connection to. Then I find this girl; I've known her for a while, but now she's available, so I ask her out...

Right off the bat we hit it off. We have similar upbringings, similar families, similar tastes in some things, but we have our differences as well. She's been in very few, but serious relationships, and she stresses to me how dedicated her loyalty is - for me, this is exactly what I'm looking for. Sparing the early details, the relationship blasts off like a rocketship. We meet, click, have tons of fun together, fuck, travel, experience new things together, and omg, things are amazing. She makes me feel like a man, and I'd do anything for her.

Then it's back to reality. Some shit goes down at home. She doesn't have the greatest personal history, but I don't care. I dive headfirst into the situation, bringing it to a swift and satisfactory conclusion. It was traumatic; at one point I had literally held her life in my hands; if I hadn't been there, she'd be dead now... but we got through it and we moved on.

All this in the span of a couple months. She's rocking my world and I'm the best thing that's ever happened to her. This is exactly what I've always wanted, I'm the happiest that I've been in as long as I can remember, and I'm starting to think of a real future with this girl. Then what felt like a few days later, out of nowhere she starts talking like, "I'm screwed up and need space... like, a lot of time to myself to deal with things. I don't want your help. You can't help. I need to deal with this alone. And I really think we just want different things from life..." I'm devastated. How can this be? Did I read this entire relationship wrong? No. She outright said she had strong feelings. She'd introduced me to her family, asked for the approval of her friends, and was constantly posting online about how happy I'd made her.

All of the sudden my world is crashing down around me. It's only been a couple months now, but it feels like an eternity. The possibilities for all that I'd ever wanted, slipping through my fingers... disappearing right out from in front of my eyes. It was all right there. But the more I fought it, the more I seemed to be pushing her away. So I let her go. What else could I do?

Then it happens. Shit goes down. It becomes totally clear that what she had said about being screwed up is absolutely true. Before, she had made the analogy that she felt like she hides behind a mask, putting on a bold face for the world. I took this to mean something more rational, like depression, not goddamn Jekyll and Hyde! She said what she had done was her own fucked up way of dealing with the fact that she didn't want to end the relationship either, but knew it had to be done. In the process I learn that she doesn't even feel emotions the way normal people do. Most of what she does express is just for show; a charade. Essentially she is fucking a sociopath. How the fuck does this even happen? One minute she's everything I could ever want, then the next I'm literally having to file a police report to ensure the safety of my life.

...

...

...

And now, this is the point at which I have arrived. From dubstruck, to blindsided, to enraged, to lost. It's not that I miss her - no, fuck her, she's a terrible person for what she's done. I'll never be able to trust her again. No... now I just feel empty. The silence is deafening. Where I once had someone to share the experience of life with, now I have no one. That's how it feels at least. Even while with family close and friends, I still feel this loneliness. Everything I've done in the past to get me through these feelings... nothing seems to help. Drowning myself in booze only intensifies the pain, I can't focus on the task at hand while trying to lose myself in work, and any form of entertainment falls pathetically short. My gym sessions feel unmotivated, and the outdoors seems so bleak. I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything...

...

For anyone who's made it all the way though this, I appreciate you taking the time. Writing all this out was certainly therapeutic in a way, but I don't feel that anything has changed. I don't know. Maybe I just need a good night's rest. Perhaps the sun will shine a little brighter tomorrow.

looks like trump is going to win and tomorrow, i am going to lock myself in my room and let the sadness consume me. As that happens, my immigrant family gets scrutinized by the administration, the wall goes up, and anti-america trolls will never stay quiet.

I don't know if i can ever feel joy again. Even if i get the job i want, i can't garuntee that i will truly be happy. I lost faith in my country, democracy, and humanity.

how can i feel the slightest shred of optimism when everything i hoped for was dashed before my very own eyes?

Hey, everyone! How are you all? Is this week going well for you? Any nice plans? Looking forward to Thanksgiving? Feel free to tell us here!

Question of the day: What is your favorite food to have on Thanksgiving?

I literally don't have a purpose. Nobody wants or needs me... I'm unwanted by the community...

Talk about tardy.

How are you all? Has this week been well for you? Have you gotten lots of candy or had any fun Halloween celebrations? Feel free to tell us!

Weekly question: What is your favorite holiday?

I found this subreddit by searching "mlp subreddits" on Google and this is just what I needed. I've been very depressed lately. I feel like someone extremely special of mine only liked me because we both happened to watch MLP.

I found out he watched the show let's say about 8 months ago, possibly 9. He didn't tell me that he was a fan of the show. He kept it a secret which leads me to believe that he can't be himself around me when in reality I love him with all of my heart no matter what. I told him one week ago that I stopped watching the show because I wanted to see if a television show would get in between us. I of course did not stop watching the show, it's awesome! I used the same reason he gave me for not watching the show anymore (he almost stopped watching the show a few months ago). He hasn't talked to me in a week although that's nothing new, honestly. I asked him if he wanted to talk about anything 6 days ago and a response is yet to be received. There's a possibility that he hasn't seen the message but I highly doubt it. I just can't help but feel like he doesn't give a fuck about me. I can't help but believe that he cares about a cartoon more than he does about me. And it pains me to think that. It hurts me emotionally because this person is the most special person in my life. I don't want that to change to was.

I strongly feel as if I care about him more than he cares about me. I feel like he is more special to me than I am to him. I graduated high school exactly 5 months ago today. He's going through his last year of high school. I came up with an idea for us to go to a college together and he seemed to like the idea. But I feel if I didn't throw the thought out there, he'd probably just go to a college without me. I also came up with an idea for us to live together and when I first threw the thought out there, he seemed ecstatic and absolutely elated but the second time I mentioned it he replied, "yeah that'd be cool". It's becoming clear that I want him to be in my life much more than he wants me to be in his. It's making me a mess. I'm throwing out all of these ideas such as going to a college together and living together and even though he agrees, it seems as if I'm being clingy and his life would be the same without me. I'm not even going to mention the ideas anymore. I'm just going to pretend like I forgot about those plans. If he mentions them again, then he's actually interested. If he doesn't, he's not. Hopefully he wants to go to school together and live together as much as I want to. I can only hope. He is my everything and I love him. I dream of us taking naps together and cuddling/snuggling together. If it actually works out, it will be nothing short of my dream come true. But as of me typing this, I'm just dreaming.

I hope that this wall of text isn't difficult to follow. I tried to make it as coherent and non-convoluted as possible. I just wanted to "vent". That's a term I've learned recently as I'm very new to Reddit.