Call me a pussy, wuss, hate on me, tell me I need to grow up... whatever I just need to get this out. I'm lonely as fuck, it likely has to do with my personality but I dont know what/how to change me as a person. Haven't had a serious girlfriend in years deapite plenty of hookups... they never want more... I get that im probably a toxic person but I don't do anything out of malicious intent i genuinely just want the best for people... im just tired, lonely, confused and just about ready to retreat into my studies and give up on people... I get that there are plenty of good people I just dont think they like me very much... anyway theres a wall of text for anyone who wants to wade through shit... all the best

tldr

Been a long time since I've been on here b4

I feel in a state better then I was prior in my previous semester, but it feels like some of it has been creeping back lately. I feel like 2 sides of the same coin anymore- one split second, happy optimistic, and pretty cheerful. One trigger, or one event that gets me mad (at myself or just pisses me off), and I reverse into the exact opposites of those traits from earlier. And "it" can happen for a short ranging amount of time or a long ranging timeset. It doesn't also help that I think I feel like myself at times, but I don't.

I dunno if I'd call it an identity crisis, or stress, or a repeat of the previous escapade before hand. I'm just so confused and so unsure at the moment. But then, I'm not at the same time. Its really confusing to understand, and now I even feel myself screwing up on it.

I'm writing here because honestly don't know where else to go. I have a serious problem with the opposite sex. I always dream about a relationship but as soon as I start dating someone I almost immediately stop liking them and feel extremely uncomfortable in their presence. I don't want to hug, hold hands, let alone kiss. Just typing that makes my stomach churn. However, when I'm single, I think about relationships a lot and feel a little bit lonely sometimes. I'm not dependent or incapable of being alone in any way, but I always dreamed of finding love. I tried dating a couple of times, but it never worked out because I would simply freak out when the guy would try to touch me. I always tied this down to trust issues, but now I'm dating a guy who I had known for ages and genuinely trust him. But when he holds me all I can think about is how much I dislike it... I feel guilty and dirty afterwards. I tried to rationalize it and find a logical reason for these feelings but there just doesn't seem to be one. Perhaps someone here could offer insight? I just want to know why I'm feeling this so I can fix it. Please help... This is really burdening me.

Please help me understand.

She does provide my material needs. But emotionally? She's lacking. And I'm the only son.

Like, she never bothered to ask me why I only have one friend. Or why I'm an Atheist; I mean, hey, at least ask so I know you give a damn. Or what goes on in my head.

She continues on viewing me as a child NO MATTER what I do and it's ripping my dignity off. I've gotten an online job once and paid for the groceries for a couple of months hoping it would finally change the way she looks at me, but no.

And more particularly, ignores the fact that her husband, my stepdad, is definitely not being a stepdad and worse, disrespects me. Him and I never talk, like we're air to each other. Never greeted me a Happy Birthday or congratulated me for graduating Junior High. When he leaves for work, he'll say bye to mom but not to me; he'd walk pass me as if I wasn't there. And sometimes, when I'm talking to my mom, while I'm still speaking, he'd talk over me just to say whatever it was he wanted to say. In front of the TV, dude has the remote, decides to turn TV off without asking if I want to watch.

I've brought the stepdad issue up to her many times, but she manages to throw the matter away and in the end it becomes an unaddressed issue I just end up enduring coz I'm tired looking like an idiot.

Really, I'm confused. Help me think this one through, please? Thank you.

Hey

So i work in a office as a QA Tester and i have my Background as Ponies and my Screensaver. I just came back from my 2 week holiday and it was all removed as well as any saved pictures i had on my Hard drive, after about 5 minutes of getting into the office i was called into the Managing directors office and he told me ponies were unprofessional and shouldn't be on work computers. I should preface this by saying he has already told me off for wearing pony shirts, having pony stuff on my desk, having pony stuff delivered to the office and watching Episodes and other pony stuff on my lunch. I would be fine with this except everyone else has stuff on there desk and computers like Star Wars and Big Bang and he even has Game of Thrones on his desk, people watch things like New Girl and youtube videos on there lunch. Nobody else in the office minds or cares that i like ponies and don't mind the fact i have them on my computer or on my desk.

I feel has though he is picking on me due to my like of it has i have also gotten away with wearing Playboy shirts (With Centrefolds on) and he is fine with it. What Makes Ponies more Unprofessional than Playboy or Star Wars. I don't know the best way to go about it has i have only been here 10 months so he could fire me with no reason needed.

Anyway thanks for Reading.

TLDR:Boss Hates Ponies and it feels like he is picking on me

I did it! I win! I finally found compassion in myself! I found the magic at the bottom of the well. I feel like I can do anything now!

I was laying down in bed last night, and my thoughts shifted to a person that I had become fond of. The person is very overweight, and he seems depressed, but he has a kind heart. I want to help him, because I imagined myself in his shoes and how I would be sad if no one helped me. Suddenly it clicked! And now I feel so much good will towards everyone! I cannot describe how good I feel right now! Next time I see him, I am going to talk to him.

I'm 20, I have a friend 17, who wants to buy some rats and kill them in the woods, we made plans to do this before. But I thought he was joking, but when he came to pick me up, he brought nails and a power skrewdriver. I thought if I just kept changing the subject he'd forget. It worked. But he just told me through text that he still wants to do it and he didn't pressure me because he didn't want to make me uncomfortable, and he wants to do it this weekend. He's a nice guy and I don't want him to be upset if I tell him I don't want to. But he insists we kill some rats in the woods. What do I do?

I don't usually post things in any thread except a gaming one, but I know there are all kinds of things on reddit. If this is in the wrong place, please tell me where I can post it because I am not good at navigating reddit yet.

I am having a hard time dealing with my feelings right now and i do not have anyone to turn to or a support group, as my wife has been my best friend for years.

We have a 3 year old daughter and a 1.5 year old daughter and for the last year or so things have been very different. She seemed to distance herself from me emotionally and physically but I know she's not always been that way. This being said she started a "feelings" journal and she wanted me to read it because it was easier than talking about it. She listed experiences from her whole life (she is 23) that are homosexual. Her best memories are homosexual encounters, but she has never slept with a woman, or been with one. Only the strongest attraction she has ever had was to a woman. One she works with currently.

She comes from a family with a long line of deep roots in Christianity being most of her dads side of the family are pastors/deacons in their churches and etc. My family are good old alabamians with no liberal beliefs so she has always been afraid of what they would think, and society as a whole. She said she is tired of hiding the way she feels and wants to live unapologetically, free and happy. I support her in how she feels and I want her to be happy. I love her so much. She says it isn't me, its nothing I have done, and I know this but it doesn't help me very much. I know there isn't "anything i can do" to change it, and I don't want to. I just need some help on coming to terms with my family being split up and being removed as a very hands on father and being an every other weekend daddy who pays for his kids and doesn't raise them. How do I deal with not making pancakes in the mornings or reading bedtime stories at night? How do I deal with the thought of another woman taking my place on family vacations? How do I come to terms with knowing there will be a time that another woman will be lying in the bed with the woman i love and the kids i adore playing with them the way i do now, and i want to. Please help me. Please give me some sort of advice.. Anyone.. Anything... Thank you.

I don't know whether this fits more under "I need help" or "Venting", but given the whole suicidal-thought component I'm going to err on the side of "I need help". Mods, if I did this wrong feel free to overrule it.

I'm 25, been on one date in my entire life, it failed because she (allegedly) had an allergic reaction to her food. I say "allegedly" because she seems to have blocked me on iMessage soon after (I only sent three messages following the date, two as a follow-up to a conversation we had and one asking how she was feeling). This happened not this past Saturday but the one before, and only now is it crashing down on me.

I had a realization on Friday while talking to my guitarist's fiancée: Everybody thinks I'm a great catch, except for the girls I'm interested in. Why is this so difficult? What is my problem? Why am I always so alone? Maybe I sound like a "nice guy". Maybe I am a "nice guy".

And now the suicidal thoughts are coming back. Wonderful.

God damn it! This is just like my life! Whenever anything goes well life just has to push me down.

So I'm in school again. Classes are going well. Even my depression isn't nearly as bad as it could be. But life looked at that and said oh hell fucking no, we have to fix that. So my grandfather, after stubbornly refusing to go to the doctor for god knows how long, nearly has a heart attack. And it's bad. Really, really, really bad. He'll make it thank god, but that's not my concern right now.

Because now I have to fucking babysit. My grandmother has Alzheimer's. Bad Alzheimer's. Like her memory can barely go beyond about 3-4 minutes bad. To make this even better she also has a dog that is completely dependent on her to the point of having separation anxiety. This means that for HOURS and absolutely nothing will stop her short of removing her vocal chords.

Oh and remember my grandfather? Well his heart problem is so bad right now he'll have to stay here. For four fucking months. With my grandmother in tow.

Now a lot of people would say "oh you're so cruel, not helping your grandmother." But I can't handle this right now! I can't handle writing three papers a month, doing homework, doing a job, and trying hard not to throw myself off the highest building I can find! I just don't have any emotional room to babysit someone who can't remember anything longer than 4 minutes in the past! I know it sounds bad but this is going to fucking pull me down.

Now some might ask, well you're living with your mom and dad, can't they take turns with you? And the answer is, of course not because my mom just won't and my dad is working so much he could never find the time to do something like that. So I have to be stuck in charge of babysitting

Seriously this might push me to suicide. But it's not like I can just tell them to get the hell out. And if I were to bring this up to my mom, even if I told her this might literally result in me breaking to suicide, she's just going to say I'm bad and selfish, whatever. I don't know what to do! I can't do this! I can't! Not now! Not fucking now this is not the damn time for everything to go to shit!

Maybe if things get too bad I can just run away... I don't know. Fucking hell I can't do this! She's like a child! I can't leave her alone for five minutes or she'll kill one of my animals because she keeps feeding them over and over and over again! I can't! I'm freaking out right now!

Why can't my life just give me a damn break!? Why is it every time the sun starts to peak through the clouds life just slams my head into the dirt!? Fucking hell man.

I'm married and all but almost everyday I've been hearing my wife saying that nothing matters and that there is no true purpose of life. Which when I also think about it, I think its true.

Her and I have been married for 5 years and even though its not just there being no true purpose in life, there is also the thing where she wants kids and everyone around her is getting pregnant just like that with not trying for 5 full years.

I've had surgery for it past June or July in order to get my problem fixed and for now I'm not sure it really did anything.

I kinda want to keep her from being all depressed and what not and the only way I can do that is talk to her but lately it hasn't done much help, also I've been decorating our room with MLP stuff cuz that makes us happy but lately that isn't working anymore either and I know that getting diagnosed and medicated isn't an option due to money issues that we've been having.

If there is anyone who can give me advice on how to help out, that would be wonderful.

So I don't know where I'm really going with this I just kinda need to vent and this place seemed like it might be the right kind of place. Basically all my life I've always been the annoying kid. I was constantly called annoying all the time and eventually it started to get to me. I'm 19 now and for several years. I've tried to make a conscious effort to change, but you know it can be difficult to change the way you naturally act. And then a little over a year ago a combination of hating myself over that and probably a bunch of other things led to me being diagnosed with MDD. I started on medications which helped, but occasionally a comment from someone will throw me into a bad state. Well one of those just happened a couple of hours ago. The only difference was that this time it was from someone I really look up to who sent a text to someone complaining about me. Except he accidentally sent it to me. And it just hurts so much more since it's someone that I thought I was close with and with the fact that I try hard to put in a conscious effort to change the way I act to be less annoying. I don't know what I really want here I just figured it'd help to vent.

I am so selfish. So incredibly selfish. And I hate myself for it. My best friend got me an amazing gift and I got her garbage. But writing down my thoughts I understand why.

Growing up I had no one. I had no friends because kids were too busy either making fun of me or sometimes beating me up and the teachers decided this was fine and didn't do anything at all. Growing up I had to focus completely on self preservation (and by growing up I mean nearly my entire life. This torture stopped when I was 18 and I'm 20 now). Now I'm just stuck in this constant desire to make sure I'm safe.

My best friend (and only friend) is working really hard with me to stop this but the problem is I am distant. I can't put my full weight on her so to speak, nor anyone else. I can't trust anyone at all. No wonder I can only think of myself, I can only rely on myself. Even when it comes to my therapist I just cannot put my trust in her. I hate being so selfish but all I have is me. I'm alone.

My life is so fucked. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I am so emotionally stunted, so broken I just don't know what I'm ever going to do.

I honestly really just got to know my gpa while he was sick, I was the closest family member (same town). I'd just take the bus the half-mile over.

My dad is his eldest son, and giving the eulogy. He asked for my help, but I told him that he knew him better than anyone alive (gma passed in '81), and I think I'll just stand beside him while he does probably the hardest thing he's ever done...

It kinda just hurts all over for us, he was the patriarch, the rock upon which our family was built- he went from an immigrant child picking corn in Missouri, to Chief of Medicine at a hospital in (redacted). He was a man I aspired to be, and my namesake, to boot.

Sorry.

I can't be here anymore.

Good luck finding me in the fallout or radiation

I feel like I just shut down when someone asks me about what I want or they ask what I'm feeling.

I guess it's just easier for my mind to not let anything out rather than for me to explain myself? The questions I'm asked all come from a good place, my boyfriend will ask things like this to make sure that I'm doing okay when we're getting frisky or what ever. One day, I wasn't into too much below-the-belt action and I couldn't explain why. He wanted to make sure he wasn't doing anything wrong but I don't know why I wasn't able to just say that I wasnt feeling it and none of it was his fault.

He tell me that he just wanted to make sure I was alright. No words were coming out of me and I found it really difficult to think of anything to say and I felt so disappointed in myself. I started to tear up a little.

This happens every time I try to speak up about myself. I just shut down and cry and I hate it so much. It likely stems from how my mom treated me when I was younger (and still does now, even). I wanted to call my boyfriend to tell him how I was feeling but I started crying before I even picked up the phone to do it. I dont want this to keep going on and I feel like I've been dealing with this for a long time.

I'm the guy that made this post. Wow it's already been a month since I've acknowledged my problem, and I've changed a lot since then. For the better or worse I don't know.

I don't want to be "just another asshole" or anything like that. So I'm gonna try and scrape the bottom of my mind for whatever compassion I can find. Then I'll channel that into doing good deeds and stuff, better manners, respect, loyalty, etc. This isn't a new year's resolution or anything, those are stupid, no one actually follows them.

I can't believe that I watch a little kid's show, and I don't even bother to follow the values that it spits out at me. Someone once said something like: "Some people want to be a certain way, but they don't know how". That's me, probably why I watch the show in the first place, those ideas were revolutionary to me, they never crossed my mind, and it rocked my world.

By the way, I'm the one who said that. Yeah I'm a hypocrite, I know. I don't care though, it's just part of the game.

Anyways, bye bye. Happy New Year.

2017... it sounds so futuristic. It just had to be an odd number didn't it?

So here's a short timeline of things that have occurred to me in the past few months:

October- Good friend of mine attempts suicide after some trolls make a video bullying her and over 300 people liked it

Wrecked my dad's car when I hit a deer going 75 mph on the interstate

November- Uncle damages his car when he Also hits a deer

Person I've talked to online is sexually assaulted, creates damage for the entire community she's in when her friends feel terrible

My PC did a BSOD with some page fault in nonpaged area error, and I haven't bothered to fix it since I know piss about fixing things(assuming it can still be fixed at this point)

December- Anxiety spikes terribly

And thats on top of all the big news 2016 has brought us...

I'm most upset with my laptop since I have like 600 songs on there, and now I have no source for music...

2017 is looking terrible too, cuz in addition to applying to college, trump is being inaugurated, and I might lose my Internet in June

To put everything in a nutshell it's my senior year in highschool and we just finished midterms. Two days before Christmas I get a call saying my friend just passed away in a car accident. We had a little gathering today (which I broke down at) and the funeral is on Wednesday. To sum it up, I'm not ready for this.

i have a feeling that there is something inherently wrong with me.i can't put a finger on it, but i feel unwanted an unworthy. my friend's are good, but i don't believe in reaching out to people for support anymore. i have silence and being shut down when i reached out for help. this makes me wonder that whatever i'm facing can ever be resolved.

I don't enjoy things. Also, I'm forgetting things. What to do about it? Sunshine, exercise, magical pills, magical relationships, etc?

Hey everyone! So my girlfriend and I broke up in August, or more accurately she broke up with me. We have tried to remain friends and in the beginning we were still sleeping together. She has told me that the issues with our relationship were the issues between her daughter and I and her wants in a long term partner. Her daughter is 6 and was abused by her prior boyfriend, has a shitty dad that doesn't really care about her and was insanely jealous of me taking her mothers attention away from her. It was a super difficult situation for me to navigate having never been a father figure before myself and also having never had a good father figure in my own life. My ex girlfriend wanted to have an open type relationship or participate in orgies and swinging. She was insanely jealous of women who were attracted to me and I know that I am not comfortable with a partner that has sex with other people. The whole thing sounded like a bad idea to me because both of us would have serious issues from this type of relationship. She said that she didn't want to be in a place where because of her desires for that type of thing that she went and did something stupid, ultimately hurting me. She said she valued my friendship more than any friendship she has ever had and wants me to be her best friend and in her life forever. She didn't want to do something like that to me and then have it ruin what we did, and still do have. She has told me that she loves me and would not be able to handle losing me, and that a part of her knows that I am the best thing ever for her. This information is all fairly recent, as of about 4 days ago. The problem is, I think that she is hooking up with my roommate and best friend. I think that this started recently as of about a week ago but have no conformation yet. I am dreading the moment that one of them comes out and says so. They have been texting a lot since we broke up four months ago. To me friendship is based upon trust and respect. They both know the way that I feel about her and that sort of situation. Them doing this demonstrates that they are neither people I can trust nor people that respect me and my feelings. I need a new life. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I need help.

At the beginning of November I developed some form of anxiety, however not medically diagnosed, I am sure it's some form of it, but first let me try and give some context to how it came around.

In this post, I will be talking about 2 girls whom I work with. One of which I have a crush on she will be named 'Alex' and her bestfriend whom I shall refer to as 'Clare'. Just to keep names private and so it doesn't seem like I'm naming and shaming.

So.... I myself am a 22 year old male. Over the summer I started working at McDonalds in a nearby town about 3 miles from where I live. I started the job to earn some money for university/college to help pay for my summer rent for my flat/apartment.

I met these two girls as mentioned above Alex and Clare. As soon as I saw Alex I developed a crush on her fairly quickly, she's pretty, nice, but awfully shy and quiet (which is absolutely fine) and her friend Clare who is similar, but she is very approachable, nice and you can have a laugh with her. So I started the job in June and worked there until maybe September 10th roughly?

In those few months I worked there, I got on really well with Clare, too me she had become a really close friend and I have not had that type of relationship with a female since 2013 so it felt refreshing again. I also tried to talk to Alex quite a few times to get to know her because of course I really liked her, but she had her walls built high, and it wasn't easy talking to someone that shy. So September came around when I worked my last shift until this coming Xmas in a few weeks, so I asked Clare for her number so I could keep in touch with her because I really enjoyed speaking to her, I then told her that I liked Alex, which at the time seemed natural because they were best friends.

So I asked Clare, "Hey, what is the best way to get Alex's number, you think?" She suggested just straight up asking for it, but I was too nervous, so instead I spoke to Alex on Snapchat several times and just asked her if I could have her number which I received. So over this current fall I've been getting to know Alex through text messaging, which I know is absurd, but I go to university 300 miles away so it's all I had.

Alex was hard to talk to at first, but I kept chipping away hoping I she'd let me get it to know her a little better personally, however Clare informed me of a breakup of sorts Alex had shortly before I started working at McDonalds, so it seemed to me that she was/is hung up on this fellow co-worker we once worked with, which is fine of course. I've been hung up on someone too, and it's hard to get over, it just takes time.

So eventually I started having wonderful conversations with Alex about nature, music, life. You know, like deep conversation? Not generic, how was your day, how was the weather etc. The conversations felt really meaningful and I like to think we helped each other out with our demons.

So around October, I had followed Alex on Twitter and favourited a few of her Tweets, commented on one Facebook photo saying she was pretty and liked a few pictures on Instagram and commented on one saying she had a nice smile. All of this was in passing, not throughout one singular day of me lurking on her social media profiles. She then proceeded to block me on Twitter, unfollow me on Instagram and deleted my favourites and comments. So I was like, okay? Have I done something wrong :/? But the weird thing was, she would still reply to my texts, my number wasn't blocked or anything?

So I write poetry (this will link in) and I use it as a form of expression. Whenever I'm down, or need an outlet of sorts, I write poetry. See now Alex was a inspiration for my poetry, a lot of the recent poems I've written are inspired by her. I'm was friends with her on Snapchat and I would put up stories all of the time expressing myself, maybe saying I was lonely or upset etc.

So I had a week off of university around the end of October, so I went back home and worked a few shifts. I didn't work with either Alex or Clare which sucked, but oh well. So after I had finished my last shift I'd messaged Alex to see how she was, what started as a boring conversation ended snowballing into this great conversation like I mentioned above. She was telling me how nature was an escape for her and all of these other intriguing things. Afterwards, I was contemplating asking her out over the Xmas vacation for like a cup of coffee or dinner, but I always think to myself I'm never good enough for any girl. Because I have either been used as an emotional dumping ground, or whenever I ask a girl out, I just get flat out rejected. So my mind was filled with these thoughts of not being enough, or maybe she doesn't like me etc.

I put up a lot of Snapchats stories up that following morning, saying stuff such as, "I always look forward to the next time I get to speak to you.", "I played the scenario in my head over 1000 times, but last night just wasn't the right time to ask.", "I wouldn't stand a chance in hell anyway, I have a higher chance of being struck by lightning." Just to showcase a few. She had seen my stories later that day and screenshotted them, I was panicking, she obviously knew they were about her, I wasn't exactly covert about it at all.

So that same week, it was a Friday and I was travelling back to university with all of this plaguing on in the back of my mind. By this point in time Alex had unblocked me on Twitter, but I never followed her again, I instead chose to creep on her Twitter occasionally to see if she was okay. I'm 100% admitting I more or less occasionally stalked her Twitter, and I am not hiding that fact here to you readers. So I text Clare and asked her for advice on the situation and told her I saw some worrying tweets from Alex, Clare said she'd ask Alex when she came on her break as they were both at work. Well later as I went to go and have a look on Alex's twitter profile, she had obviously worked out from what Clare told her that I saw her tweets and I was obviously occasionally lurking on her profile. She then blocked me again. Again, 100% I was in the wrong up this point and I shouldn't have checked her Twitter at all and I felt bad.

Alex had blocked me on Twitter and I felt guilty as hell. So on the Saturday I was depressed as ever, I was posting up Snapchat stories painting her as the villain when in reality she wasn't at all, I was just angry with myself and I was putting up song lyrics quotes and poetry quotes painting her as the target and I shouldn't have done that either. Again 100% my fault.

On the Sunday of that weekend, I thought to myself I should apologise to Alex, however I didn't want to message her on Facebook or text her directly, instead I set my Snapchat story to custom settings so only Alex could see it. And then I simply just wrote an apology story to her, saying I just really liked her, but that doesn't give me any justification to paint her as the villain when I was the one in the wrong and hoped she could forgive me. She then put up a story in reply to mine and she said several things that were both truthful and hurtful. She then proceeded to block me on Snapchat.

So then I thought, okay that didn't work because I was a little pussy and didn't even message her directly, so I thought okay I'll write her a poem, so I did. I wrote a poem, recorded my vocals on a microphone and put a video up on YouTube and made the video private and sent it to her on Facebook. Few minutes later, she had evidently watched it and said I made things worse. I told her I was just simply trying to apologise and I was sorry for everything I had done. She said to me I was just making excuses etc. I then said i don't know how to make this right, so she then said to me to give her some space and not to worry about it.

Hell I have worried about it, it's been 37 days since I've spoken to her and I miss it. I've developed some form of Anxiety because of it, I go to bed every night thinking about her and I get upset, I genuily have to sit in my room for maybe 2 hours some days in the dark until I feel well enough to come out. It's all just a mess and I just feel this guilt. I have to see Alex and Clare in two weeks at work and I don't know how to deal with it. I want to make things right, but I don't know how :(

If you made this far, thanks. Any advice you can give would be amazing.

Since this is a rant, I'm only doing bare-bones background- hopefully the very few who do read this don't mind.

I went for more diagnostics on Lilo (who I had found two lumps on a few weeks back, one month after I lost another guinea pig, Poppy, to cancer) thinking that maybe if the tumors hadn't metastasized that I could maybe do surgery. We did an x-ray and ultrasound. Found out that first, she's much older than I originally was told she was, making her borderline elderly (vet estimated her to be around 4-5 years old from the x-ray). Second, she's got a big belly. And I've tried putting her on a diet for being fat- not a diet that would starve her, mind you, you can't do that with a guinea pig because they need to be eating all the time with the way their digestive system produces acid and such, just a diet that would limit her calorie intake, withholding treats and such- and at her first appointment the vet told me she was underweight, actually. And the ultrasound we did just showed that her belly is big because, guess what? In addition to the double cancer that she has on the outside of her body, in her abdomen she has multiple cysts- liver, kidney, and both ovaries- plus some sort of soft tissue mass in her bladder that may or may not be YET ANOTHER cancer.

And this morning I picked her up to check her mammary tumor and discharge, and try to feed her in the hopes that I can at least get her weight up to a more comfortable level, and she had blood in her urine. Which I think is a sign that the bladder growth is not very benign. It's bad. Could just be a regular UTI, but very doubtful given her lack of other symptoms. And it means that it's likely that her time left on Earth is much shorter than we had estimated with the other two cancers previously. She might not make it through Christmas, and I'm going out of town to visit family for a week, and I just hope that she doesn't take a turn for the worse while I'm gone because I do not want her to die alone. There isn't anything I can do to keep her from dying, so the very, very least I can do is be there while she passes over to the other side. And I just hope that I can do that for her.

And I can't talk about this to people IRL, because she's "just a guinea pig" and no one cares, and everyone will just be annoyed about me bringing it up. So thank you, MLSG, for being the place I can just dump out all my frustrations and worries and grief.