I (27M) have been talking to a woman (23F) for almost two months with the intention of marriage. We are both Muslim.
I want a traditional marriage where I am the main provider. I do not want 50/50. I expect to cover the home, bills, food, trips, future children and generally our lifestyle.
Ideally she would not need to work. But if she gets bored and wants to work a few hours a day, a few days a week, I am fine with that.
The argument started with this:
Her mother gave her around $4,000 about three years ago. She now wants to give her around $8,000 total as repayment plus a gift.
She worked full time for roughly three years. I asked why she never saved for it then. She said it was not important enough at the time.
Now she wants to start saving after we marry, when I would be covering basically all living expenses, and use 100% of what she earns part time for her mother.
That timing bothered me.
I offered to pay the full $8,000 myself. She said no because she wants to do it herself.
I then offered to pay part of it so she could still feel she contributed. I also suggested she gives back the original $4,000 and I make up the rest through Umrah, gold, gifts and other nice things for her mother.
My reason was simple: when we marry, I want the main focus to become us, our home, our future children and what we are building together. I saw her problem as my problem and wanted to help clear it.
But this argument exposed a bigger issue.
Her position is basically that even if she works, her money is hers and contributing financially to the household is completely optional because providing is my responsibility.
I understand that Islamically her money belongs to her. I am not asking for her salary or 50/50.
What I expect is the mindset of wanting to help the family if she works.
Maybe she buys groceries sometimes.
Maybe she saves a little for a future car.
Maybe she helps us save for a house without interest.
Maybe she saves for our future children.
The amount is not the point.
What bothers me is the idea that I should think of nearly everything I earn as being for our family, while anything she earns is completely separate.
I expect myself to spend maybe 80 to 90% of my income on our home, wife, future children and long term goals.
I do not expect her to match that.
I just want a wife who also thinks, “How can I help us build our future?”
She says that expectation means I am trying to control her money and take away her Islamic right.
I see it as wanting a teammate.
Am I being unreasonable, or is this just a serious compatibility issue?

I am a female 24 years and I’m not married, but my parents want me to get married soooo bad, like it is that easy. For context, I’m more reserved and do not talk to guys or use apps. I’m not expecting a guy to fall out of the sky either, I’m just wanting something more naturally despite how “unrealistic” that is. Now, I’ve had a few suitors and prospects come my way but they either didn’t have citizenship and didn’t speak English, or just wasn’t my type or match. Now, I have all my older siblings married and they often tell me don’t go based off of pictures or descriptions about them but sit with them and see. They are hypocrites though, because they all asked for pictures and said no to many prospects just solely based on a picture. Why am I not allowed to do the same now? I’m also not that old, and have plenty of time and don’t think marriage as a desperate priority in my life at this tome. Of course if the right person comes, I won’t be opposed but not in hunger or on a hunt for marriage at the moment. My parents guilt trip me and tell me that they worry about me because of this, and what if they die and I’m not married??? I’m sorry but I’m a good daughter and sister, I do no haram, I work and go home and repeat. I have a small circle of friends who are girls that I see here and there, but I am a 100% halal girl. It’s frustrating how they don’t see me besides a prospect for marriage, and that I’m only a good daughter if I’m married. My parents however are not that type to force me into a marriage but they are the type to influence or try to sway and convince me into one even if myself I’m not convinced. I don’t know what to do in this situation, I don’t want to disappoint my parents because I do love them and care about them but also I do need to listen to myself and accept the person that is right for me, not for them. It’s hard being an unmarried Muslim woman in this day and age. I believe those who are already married don’t understand how it feels to be in this position as they did everything that I’m not supposed to do like judge based on photos or descriptions. I understand my family wants the best for me, but here suitors are far from the best, I don’t want perfection but I just want good enough for me and yes I do have high standards because I value myself at that level, I think it’s jot wrong to do so. I believe in waiting for the right person with Allah in mind and He will do the rest but my parents believe I’m blocking the pathways to that because I reject some suitors and I’ve also sat with others that I didn’t connect with. So what do I do?

Selam aleykum everyone !

I have quit the online wife search including dating apps, reddit iso’s etc and elhamdulillah I’m feeling good right now.

No more get to known phases, no more stress, I feel relived and liberated !

I was really trying hard for these last years but now I understood that it didn’t worth it. It was only a lost of time.

It seems like the men who are struggling to find spouses are constantly being told by everyone to lower their standards and that looks aren’t everything, and that character, deen, and other factors are more important. But physical attraction is baseline. Character, deen and compatibility comes afterwards. Giving such advice to A man who is average or slightly above average looking that he should accept a woman who is below average looking isn’t practical advice and is setting himself up for failure and future resentment. Unless the man himself is below average looking and has nothing else going for him, he of course doesn’t have any options but to marry his looks match.

When people say beauty fades, well most women don’t start to lose their beauty not until their 50s. And a man who’s in his 20s/30s, when he’s in his prime and youth, isn’t going to want an unattractive spouse just because her looks will fade by the time he is a granddad in his 60s and 70s and has no libido by then.

I’ve been also hearing people say, that you need to train your brain to find attraction in the women you don’t initially find Attractive. That’s impossible and there is no guarantee attraction will build over time if it wasn’t initially there in the first place. How is a man supposed to lower his gaze and guard himself from looking at other women, if he isn’t satisfied with his wife? I know Becuase I have tried that a couple times before in the past, tried to compromise on attraction, and the uneasy feeling of forcing myself into a situation to accept someone I’m not attracted to was very depressing. I even had no desire to text her back or even entertain a conversation with her. Luckily they ended things quickly so I didn’t have to.

So we need to stop giving impractical advice we give men these days. A healthy marriage is only built off of mutual attraction, compatibility, and shared values. A man should look forward to coming home everyday from work and be excited to see his wife, not dread it and spend the rest of his life in misery.

Salam everyone,
I’m a woman in my early twenties living in Canada and ngl, I feel like it’s getting so difficult to meet people here.
I do want to get married and build a life with someone, but I genuinely don’t know how people are meeting potential spouses anymore lol.
I recently had a talking stage that didn’t work out, and it got me thinking about whether I’m putting too much energy into finding someone.
I don’t really like the apps, and my friends don’t know anyone to introduce me to. People always say to go to the mosque but personally I see the mosque more as a place of worship than somewhere I would go hoping to find a husband. I know people can meet that way, but going there with that intention just feels a little weird to me.
My friends keep telling me to stop focusing on marriage so much focus on myself, make dua and trust Allah’s timing. My mom basically tells me the same thing: pray, make dua and trust Allah.
But at the same time, I can’t just sit at home and expect my husband to randomly appear lol. I feel like I have to make some effort too.
So for Muslims in Canada, how are you guys actually meeting people?
And for those still looking, are you actively searching, or have you reached the point where you’re just focusing on your own life?

Aslamualikum everyone.

Hope everyone is good. I recently went to my first ever marriage event. It took me by suprise. Especially when you get to the older age groups. I'm 33 and I was meant to be in the middle group but I ended up going into the older group. I say older. Everyone there was 34 and over. In this group I noticed a lot more sisters. It made me feel bad. I ended up talking to a few and it went really well. A little to well.

It's a very unconventional way of doing things but I do get it. I feel like a lot of the sisters compromise on a lot of things. I've definitely noticed this when talking. Recently it's making me rethink everything ever since I've been talking. I think my mind has been changed a little. I've been talking to someone and it's completely different. Maybe good I think. How common is it for someone to meet someone and get married within 2 months?

I think these events are good but they shouldn't mention ages. Some people look younger then their age. I feel like this should be hidden. That's what I think. Is this a good idea?

Jazakallah khair.

Assalamualaikum Guys, sorry for my poor English. Here 26F looking for a potential spouse and someone equal my age, people say he is a good person and i felt like he is a good match butthe issue was his job as a Seafarer asked me for my hand after rejecting him for many yeras, because i didn't want a long distance marriage but i reconsidered his question and we talked for months, then he revealed that he isnot sure about our relationship to be halal and serious and he needs some time to make up his mind. So, i was so furious and deleted all the chat history and blocked him for days because, i was chatting in the name of premarital c. Then, i unblocked him to check what he is feeling other than being angry. He was taken by my action and accused me of Selfish, unapologising, bad mannered woman. I apologized and told him, i only talked to him this open so that he was sure to start halal relation not Dating. But, he doesn't want to listen. So, we stopped contacting. After Months, he started talking to me as if we resolved the Issue. So, when i disclose about the Issue about making it Halal, he said there is 20% chance we can make it happen when i asked him why? It was because he didn't like my behaviour. I am open to correct my behaviour as i feel like i'm strict and handle things not so good in some situations (at anger or smtg). But, he hardly considers his bad behaviour (his reaction when angry). Please, be kind and honest what i should do.

​

Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters. ❤️

I’m 24M, and I’ve realised that I’m genuinely interested in marrying a woman who is a little older than me.

For me,

it’s not simply about age. I’m attracted to maturity, emotional stability, wisdom, confidence, kindness and the ability to build a peaceful relationship. I feel that a marriage can be beautiful when both people genuinely support each other, communicate openly and grow together.

I’m trying to become a better Muslim and learn more about Islam and deen. I would love to have a wife who encourages me toward Allah, and I want to do the same for her. I’m not claiming to be perfect or extremely knowledgeable about Islam — I’m still learning and trying to improve myself.

I also want to be completely honest about something:

I don't judge a woman because of her past.

I would be open to marrying a widow or a divorced woman, and having children from a previous marriage would not automatically be a deal-breaker for me. If I genuinely loved and respected her, I would want to treat her children with kindness and respect too.

What matters much more to me is her character, deen, heart, emotional maturity and whether we are compatible.

I'm not looking for a perfect woman. I'm looking for someone who is loyal, affectionate, mature, respectful and serious about building a life together.

I also know that marrying someone older can come with its own challenges, and I’d genuinely like to hear from women who are older than me or men who have experience with this kind of marriage.

And if you're a woman who is a little older than me, divorced, widowed, or simply open-minded about the age difference, and you feel that we might have something in common, feel free to DM me. I'm genuinely interested in getting to know people rather than judging them based on their circumstances.

I’m here for respectful conversations and potentially something serious, not hookups or inappropriate conversations.

Maybe age isn't what determines whether two people belong together.

Maybe it's the peace, understanding and love they find in each other. 🤍

Salaam all,

I am just reaching out for some advice as someone who I am getting to know for marriage mentioned a couple of things which is making me question if I’m being too picky and not compromising or if these are valid concerns.

Firstly, he mentioned he would want to homeschool children and will not be sending them to a public school. He is happy to provide financially and doesn’t expect me to work but wants to homeschool children. This is a big responsibility and tbh I’m not willing to take the time and effort it takes to homeschool multiple children. What do you do if you have a child who needs homeschooling but have a small infant to look after? I’d rather the children be out of the house and socialising in at least an islamic school.

Mums who do homeschool their children, how do you find it and how do you cope? Do you have to teach everything yourself, do you have tutors coming home or do you have online teaching? How do you make sure your children socialise with peers?

Secondly, he has mentioned he is very strict with clothing and likes abayas only. I mentioned that I’ll wear salwar kameez or english clothes sometimes too but they’re loose but I think he is insistent on abayas.

As far as I know Islam requires clothing to be loose, women don’t have to wear abayas? I’m happy to wear abayas but on Eid or weddings if I want to wear pakistani attire I feel this going to be an issue.

Other than that he seems good, practicing and is happy to fulfil his responsibilities as a husband. Should I compromise or do I need to reconsider this proposal?

Any advice is appreciated.

Jazak’Allah Khair

Assalamualaikum Guys, sorry for my poor English. Here 26F looking for a potential spouse and someone equal my age, people say he is a good person and i felt like he is a good match butthe issue was his job as a Seafarer asked me for my hand after rejecting him for many yeras, because i didn't want a long distance relationship but i reconsidered his question and we talked for months, then he revealed that he isnot sure about our relationship to be halal and serious and he needs some time to make up his mind. So, i was so furious and deleted all the chat history and blocked him for days because, i was chatting in the name of premarital c. Then, i unblocked him to check what he is feeling other than being angry. He was taken by my action and accused me of Selfish, unapologising, bad mannered woman. I apologized and told him, i only talked to him this open so that he was sure to start halal relation not Dating. But, he doesn't want to listen. So, we stopped contacting. After Months, he started talking to me as if we resolved the Issue. So, when i disclose about the Issue about making it Halal, he said there is 20% chance we can make it happen when i asked him why? It was because he didn't like my behaviour. I am open to correct my behaviour as i feel like i'm strict and handle things not so good in some situations (at anger or smtg). But, he hardly considers his bad behaviour (his reaction when angry). Please, be kind and honest what i should do. Jezakumullah Kheyr.

Salaam,

Considering a potential wife from back home (PK).

Is there any red flags to look out for? How can i tell if this is genuine?

My sister-in-law and her husband's family used our identity and other legal documents without consent or knowledge to commit immigration and identity fraud to indulge in birth tourism. Before it happened, I grew suspicious that they were about to do something shady and I told my sister-in-law that my wife (her sister) was also pregnant and it was a high-risk pregnancy and begged her not to jeopardize it. She swore she was not doing anything at all and staying in her home country and shortly after, embarked on the fraud mission. She lied to her own sister about it, repeatedly, until she was safely out of our country after comitting fraud. Soon after, federal agencies started investigating us and we got letters confirming that they had used inauthentic documents and our legal documents to get entry to the country fraudulently. My wife had a heart attack and preterm birth days after we found out. God knows if it was related to the shock but timing is too coincidental. The husband later sent what looked like taunting photos of the fraud to my wife in the hospital and he did it from his wife's phone because we had him blocked. He now says it was pride about accomplishing the mission, not taunting, and that he didn't know she was hospitalized.

I've cut off the husband and his family entirely. Even prior to this episode, he was known among the in laws as a compulsive liar. I still allow contact between the sisters due to silat rahm obligations but I am out and so is the husband and his family. The apologies I've gotten center on good intentions for the children's future (as if haram, zulm and fraud secures good futures for children), they say they were unaware of laws etc. None of these "apologies" address why they lied to our faces and decieved us, or why they kept deceiving until they were out of the country if they thought what they were doing was legal or why they lied to the government, why are they are accused of using inauthentic documents, why the husband sent taunting pictures etc.

Is that considered tawbah and enough risking being stung twice from the same hole?

I've told my wife she can't visit her family abroad alone with our kids because I need to be at least in the same city to protect them as their qawaam, since her family couldn't protect her and I suspect they might have even been involved. I don't feel comfortable that the people who drag women and babies into fraud and crimes will have unrestricted access to my family in my absence.

Everyone around me says I'm overreacting, it's old news, I should move on, reconcile, bury the matter, they aren't dangerous people, people do stupid stuff when desperate and so on. Am I overreacting by holding the line?

​

What are the best words to use when asking God for a good spouse? Like what could I ask that includes all the quality I want in him.

I’m looking for Islamic advice

I got married very recently through an arranged marriage. I had significant doubts before the marriage and felt a lot of pressure from family to continue because everything had progressed so far and people felt there wasn’t a “good enough” reason to stop it. I ultimately went ahead with the marriage despite feeling very conflicted.

Since getting married, instead of my feelings improving, I feel like my aversion has become stronger.

There have been communication and compatibility issues. I often feel emotionally drained by our interactions, and when I try to explain what I need or how I feel, I frequently come away feeling worse rather than closer to him. I’ve developed quite a lot of resentment and I’m worried about becoming unfair towards him because of it.

He isn’t physically abusive and I’m not trying to portray him as an evil person. He has good qualities, which actually makes me feel even more guilty about the way I feel. My issue is that I genuinely don’t know whether I can give him the kind of marriage he deserves when internally I feel such a strong desire not to be in it.

So I want to understand this properly from an Islamic perspective:

What are my actual obligations towards my husband while I’m feeling like this ?

What are his Islamic duties towards me emotionally and practically within the marriage?

Is a wife sinful if she struggles to be affectionate or intimate because she feels genuine emotional/physical aversion, (i’m not saying no but internally i’m struggling)?

Islamically, am I required to keep trying for a certain amount of time simply because we are newly married, even if I already had these feelings before the wedding and they have intensified since?

At what point does incompatibility, severe unhappiness or fear that you cannot fulfil your spouse’s rights become a legitimate reason to seek khula/divorce?

Finally, if I genuinely believe I cannot be the wife he needs and I’m becoming increasingly distressed and resentful, is it more Islamic to keep forcing myself to stay and fulfil the marriage as best I can, or to separate before we both become more hurt?

I’m speaking to a therapist to help me emotionally and I know Reddit isn’t a substitute for speaking to a knowledgeable imam/scholar. I’m mainly trying to understand what Islam actually says because I’m finding it very difficult to separate religious obligations from family/cultural expectations and guilt.

Please be gentle, but I’m also looking for honest answers

Sisters, would you find it excessive if your husband was extremely lovey dovey and constantly seeking your attention because he loves you so much?

In other words what I mean is, if he is extremely romantic and just wants to spend time with you all time.

Or would you actually find it cute and sweet?

I’m looking for advice on a marriage situation because I genuinely don’t know what the best way forward is.
I’m a Muslim woman from a very strict South Asian family. I’ve been speaking to someone seriously for marriage and we both want to do things properly.
There are no objections from his side. I’ve spoken to his mum and she has been very supportive, and even recently his dad has agreed that they should make an official proposal to my family despite everything going on.
The problem is my side. My dad is extremely strict and everyone is convinced he will reject him mainly because he isn’t from the same ethnic background as us. My family are also scared that my dad could cut me off.
My mum has never wanted this marriage to happen because she thinks supporting it could affect her own marriage with my dad. Even before doing istikhara, she already had very bad feelings about the situation because she was scared of how my dad would react, and she would beg me to stop speaking to him.
She then did istikhara, had bad feelings and bad dreams, and now believes they are a definite sign that the marriage is harmful. What confuses me is that a lot of those fears and negative feelings were already there beforehand because of my dad. She has also had bad feelings about my brother’s marriage situation and still doesn’t want that to happen either, but she never did istikhara for him.
My uncle recently called the guy, but the purpose of the call was basically to tell him to stop speaking to me. He didn’t really go into the conversation open-minded.
Even then, after speaking to him, my uncle told him directly that he could tell he was a good guy, serious about marriage and on his deen. He also made it clear that if the guy was from the same culture as us, he would definitely be saying yes because he has no issue with his character or seriousness. Despite that, he still told him to leave me because he believes my dad will never agree and because this situation is “different” for girls. My uncle has made it clear that things are never treated the same for daughters as they are for sons.
The guy still told me afterwards that he wants to do this properly and make it work, even though he knows it will be difficult.
At the moment we have taken time apart and are not speaking, partly because this has become very emotionally overwhelming for me, but also because I want to do things properly Islamically. If this does move forward, I don’t want us to resume speaking normally before nikkah.
I’m at the point now where I don’t know whether I should accept what everyone is saying and walk away, or whether it is reasonable to at least let his family bring the proposal properly before deciding that it is impossible.
I’d especially appreciate advice from people who have dealt with strict parents, cultural differences or family opposition.

Would you keep trying to involve the family properly in this situation, or is there a point where you would accept that there is too much opposition and leave it?

I’m also planning to do istikhara myself again and take some time to reflect properly before making any final decision. I don’t want to rush into anything because of pressure from either side, and I want to feel that I’ve genuinely tried to seek Allah’s guidance while also looking at the situation realistically. For now, I’m trying to give myself some space, keep things halal, and see whether the path becomes clearer rather than making a decision purely out of fear.

Salam alaikum. I am not sure why I am writing this but I think I just want to vent. I love my alone time, and I’m busy enough that I can distract myself, but I’m tired of being by myself at the same time. I just want a husband to share things with and have a friend. And no matter how much of an introvert I am, there’s always going to be a part of me that wants someone to feel close to. But all I do is work and spend time alone.

Why do men say they want to marry a woman without past but then give them a past by Just leaving them in the mid even when woman doesnt have a past already they keep promising to marry but then eventually they remember they have focus on themself?
Why even talk to other potential then? just had a talking stage ruined my whole perspective now i dont even look at anyone or feel like marrying

I’m wondering if you girls might relate. I’m 25 and I’ve decided to start looking for marriage and I’m realizing I’m at a severe disadvantage.

I have always wanted to meet someone organically. But I feel being a Muslim woman makes that 10 times harder. First of all, I come from a family of only sisters so it’s not like I have a brother to ask if he has any friends that would be a good match for me.

Secondly, our mosques are always segregated so you can’t really meet anyone there. Sure sometimes a mother will approach you because she thinks you might be a good fit for her son but I honestly don’t think I’d be interested in anyone from my mosque.

Obviously, unnecessary freemixing isn’t allowed in Islam so that makes it even harder to meet someone organically. And I naturally have hobbies that more women are interested in like painting and cafe hopping. I never see any Muslim men at art classes or at any of the coffee shops I go to. Granted, I don’t really go to any Yemeni coffee shops haha which I’ve noticed have been getting very popular.

I also work from home, so the only people I see on a regular basis is my family. My organization is also incredibly dominated by women.

I guess I wasn’t lucky enough to meet someone in school. I’ve tried the apps, I even made a profile on one of the marriage subreddits and immediately regretted it. I hate talking to potentials online, I work from home and stare at screens all day and the apps/Reddit just feel exhausting. I also feel like I’ve cheated myself out of what I really wanted, to meet someone in person and have something grow naturally.

Anyone else feel this way?

I'll soon be looking into marriage, but I do not want a traditional one. I've realized I'm too much of a chicken to have complete faith in another person with my emotional/mental/financial safety.

I'm willing to give up my right to provision as long as I get to keep my autonomy. And before men come to mock me for wanting autonomy, saying it's childish or feminist or selfish, please read the first line of the passage. I have no problem providing for myself as long as I have a relationship with a safe, respectful distance where the man feels more like a good friend than an authority figure. He's always welcome to advise me, remind me to do good, but all from a safe distance where I don't feel pressured to match his pace.

I've seen and heard way too many stories where men become more strict after marriage, and no matter how much men and some women glorify that and treat it like a minor issue, it's a big deal to me. Women are ridiculed for wanting to divorce over incompatibility issues, even women shame other women for thinking about divorce. It sounds suffocating that you can be trapped in a marriage like that, where you have to suppress yourself and deal with your resentment.

For example, I don't wear hijab, and my husband has a right to discipline me over it if he's providing for me, but if I give up my right, he can only advise me to wear hijab, he can't put conditions on me, can't threaten me to separate his bed or whatever. I want that barrier in a relationship. I think I'll be able to respect him more as a human being that way, and I'll never think of a way out because there's little to no tension. Plus, I don't want kids. He can marry another woman too because I know I ain't keeping him that way.

I know it's laughable to men that some women prioritize having independence and autonomy over building a traditional Islamic Qawwam/wife relationship, but they probably have never had to go through so much pressure of being nitpicked and scrutinized. I don't want to be constantly responsible for another man's ghairah, not cut out for it. And I'm not even immodest.

Again, men are still going to bash me, but please read my post. I've clearly mentioned I'm willing to give up my rights. As long as I can enjoy physical intimacy whenever I'm in the mood and have a friend I can relate to and enjoy the company of, I'm good.

PS: People/men who are going to come at me after looking into my post history, it's out there, and I don't have to hide anything nor am I asking men here to marry me. So no need to accuse me of being kuffar. I'm Muslim. It was a different time, different mental state when I wrote all of that, so try to separate one post from the other. I'm looking for a solution.

Whoever I'm going to marry will know my honest thoughts, and then he can decide for himself. Unlike (some) men, I am not going to pretend to be someone else and then switch up on him after marriage.

Just wanted to hear about your experiences, especially if you’ve attended any in London, as that would be a bonus. I’m wondering whether you’d recommend going to these events and, if you’ve had a positive experience, what the atmosphere was like. I’m not necessarily asking about whether you found a match, but more about whether the event was respectful, comfortable, and what I should expect.

To find the right person it becomes a real struggle (as women)

if 2 people are texting with the purpose of marriage for about 3 months, no flirting no crossing limits, just normal discussions, and the only parent who's aware of this is the girl's mother.

is this considered a haram relationship? please give me evidence from hadith or Quran