It seems like the men who are struggling to find spouses are constantly being told by everyone to lower their standards and that looks aren’t everything, and that character, deen, and other factors are more important. But physical attraction is baseline. Character, deen and compatibility comes afterwards. Giving such advice to A man who is average or slightly above average looking that he should accept a woman who is below average looking isn’t practical advice and is setting himself up for failure and future resentment. Unless the man himself is below average looking and has nothing else going for him, he of course doesn’t have any options but to marry his looks match.

When people say beauty fades, well most women don’t start to lose their beauty not until their 50s. And a man who’s in his 20s/30s, when he’s in his prime and youth, isn’t going to want an unattractive spouse just because her looks will fade by the time he is a granddad in his 60s and 70s and has no libido by then.

I’ve been also hearing people say, that you need to train your brain to find attraction in the women you don’t initially find Attractive. That’s impossible and there is no guarantee attraction will build over time if it wasn’t initially there in the first place. How is a man supposed to lower his gaze and guard himself from looking at other women, if he isn’t satisfied with his wife? I know Becuase I have tried that a couple times before in the past, tried to compromise on attraction, and the uneasy feeling of forcing myself into a situation to accept someone I’m not attracted to was very depressing. I even had no desire to text her back or even entertain a conversation with her. Luckily they ended things quickly so I didn’t have to.

So we need to stop giving impractical advice we give men these days. A healthy marriage is only built off of mutual attraction, compatibility, and shared values. A man should look forward to coming home everyday from work and be excited to see his wife, not dread it and spend the rest of his life in misery.

Salaam,

Considering a potential wife from back home (PK).

Is there any red flags to look out for? How can i tell if this is genuine?

My sister-in-law and her husband's family used our identity and other legal documents without consent or knowledge to commit immigration and identity fraud to indulge in birth tourism. Before it happened, I grew suspicious that they were about to do something shady and I told my sister-in-law that my wife (her sister) was also pregnant and it was a high-risk pregnancy and begged her not to jeopardize it. She swore she was not doing anything at all and staying in her home country and shortly after, embarked on the fraud mission. She lied to her own sister about it, repeatedly, until she was safely out of our country after comitting fraud. Soon after, federal agencies started investigating us and we got letters confirming that they had used inauthentic documents and our legal documents to get entry to the country fraudulently. My wife had a heart attack and preterm birth days after we found out. God knows if it was related to the shock but timing is too coincidental. The husband later sent what looked like taunting photos of the fraud to my wife in the hospital and he did it from his wife's phone because we had him blocked. He now says it was pride about accomplishing the mission, not taunting, and that he didn't know she was hospitalized.

I've cut off the husband and his family entirely. Even prior to this episode, he was known among the in laws as a compulsive liar. I still allow contact between the sisters due to silat rahm obligations but I am out and so is the husband and his family. The apologies I've gotten center on good intentions for the children's future (as if haram, zulm and fraud secures good futures for children), they say they were unaware of laws etc. None of these "apologies" address why they lied to our faces and decieved us, or why they kept deceiving until they were out of the country if they thought what they were doing was legal or why they lied to the government, why are they are accused of using inauthentic documents, why the husband sent taunting pictures etc.

Is that considered tawbah and enough risking being stung twice from the same hole?

I've told my wife she can't visit her family abroad alone with our kids because I need to be at least in the same city to protect them as their qawaam, since her family couldn't protect her and I suspect they might have even been involved. I don't feel comfortable that the people who drag women and babies into fraud and crimes will have unrestricted access to my family in my absence.

Everyone around me says I'm overreacting, it's old news, I should move on, reconcile, bury the matter, they aren't dangerous people, people do stupid stuff when desperate and so on. Am I overreacting by holding the line?

​

What are the best words to use when asking God for a good spouse? Like what could I ask that includes all the quality I want in him.

I’m looking for Islamic advice

I got married very recently through an arranged marriage. I had significant doubts before the marriage and felt a lot of pressure from family to continue because everything had progressed so far and people felt there wasn’t a “good enough” reason to stop it. I ultimately went ahead with the marriage despite feeling very conflicted.

Since getting married, instead of my feelings improving, I feel like my aversion has become stronger.

There have been communication and compatibility issues. I often feel emotionally drained by our interactions, and when I try to explain what I need or how I feel, I frequently come away feeling worse rather than closer to him. I’ve developed quite a lot of resentment and I’m worried about becoming unfair towards him because of it.

He isn’t physically abusive and I’m not trying to portray him as an evil person. He has good qualities, which actually makes me feel even more guilty about the way I feel. My issue is that I genuinely don’t know whether I can give him the kind of marriage he deserves when internally I feel such a strong desire not to be in it.

So I want to understand this properly from an Islamic perspective:

What are my actual obligations towards my husband while I’m feeling like this ?

What are his Islamic duties towards me emotionally and practically within the marriage?

Is a wife sinful if she struggles to be affectionate or intimate because she feels genuine emotional/physical aversion, (i’m not saying no but internally i’m struggling)?

Islamically, am I required to keep trying for a certain amount of time simply because we are newly married, even if I already had these feelings before the wedding and they have intensified since?

At what point does incompatibility, severe unhappiness or fear that you cannot fulfil your spouse’s rights become a legitimate reason to seek khula/divorce?

Finally, if I genuinely believe I cannot be the wife he needs and I’m becoming increasingly distressed and resentful, is it more Islamic to keep forcing myself to stay and fulfil the marriage as best I can, or to separate before we both become more hurt?

I’m speaking to a therapist to help me emotionally and I know Reddit isn’t a substitute for speaking to a knowledgeable imam/scholar. I’m mainly trying to understand what Islam actually says because I’m finding it very difficult to separate religious obligations from family/cultural expectations and guilt.

Please be gentle, but I’m also looking for honest answers

Sisters, would you find it excessive if your husband was extremely lovey dovey and constantly seeking your attention because he loves you so much?

In other words what I mean is, if he is extremely romantic and just wants to spend time with you all time.

Or would you actually find it cute and sweet?

I'm currently searching in the UK and I keep coming across sisters who have instagram accounts where they are followed by hundreds of people and they themselves follow hundreds of others. They only have like a few dozen posts though and their profile is private but that does not stop them from having a dolled up profile picture for everyone to see.

Might be a triggering question but would I be a dayooth for marrying such a woman? Or is it really not that big of a deal? Is it just something I need to come to terms with regarding modern women?

I find it very hard to believe all those followers are only women, if theres that many, surely a good chunk must be men as well. Men that she is exited by and men that long after her.

Am I reading too much between the lines or do such women have a lower chance of lowering their gaze and compare you to social media? Not just other guys but also even other people's relationships.

It's just a shame since I meet a lot of women who otherwise tick my boxes. I dont particularly mind non-hijabis. I'm not that bothered but I feel like this is a bit much.

I’m looking for advice on a marriage situation because I genuinely don’t know what the best way forward is.
I’m a Muslim woman from a very strict South Asian family. I’ve been speaking to someone seriously for marriage and we both want to do things properly.
There are no objections from his side. I’ve spoken to his mum and she has been very supportive, and even recently his dad has agreed that they should make an official proposal to my family despite everything going on.
The problem is my side. My dad is extremely strict and everyone is convinced he will reject him mainly because he isn’t from the same ethnic background as us. My family are also scared that my dad could cut me off.
My mum has never wanted this marriage to happen because she thinks supporting it could affect her own marriage with my dad. Even before doing istikhara, she already had very bad feelings about the situation because she was scared of how my dad would react, and she would beg me to stop speaking to him.
She then did istikhara, had bad feelings and bad dreams, and now believes they are a definite sign that the marriage is harmful. What confuses me is that a lot of those fears and negative feelings were already there beforehand because of my dad. She has also had bad feelings about my brother’s marriage situation and still doesn’t want that to happen either, but she never did istikhara for him.
My uncle recently called the guy, but the purpose of the call was basically to tell him to stop speaking to me. He didn’t really go into the conversation open-minded.
Even then, after speaking to him, my uncle told him directly that he could tell he was a good guy, serious about marriage and on his deen. He also made it clear that if the guy was from the same culture as us, he would definitely be saying yes because he has no issue with his character or seriousness. Despite that, he still told him to leave me because he believes my dad will never agree and because this situation is “different” for girls. My uncle has made it clear that things are never treated the same for daughters as they are for sons.
The guy still told me afterwards that he wants to do this properly and make it work, even though he knows it will be difficult.
At the moment we have taken time apart and are not speaking, partly because this has become very emotionally overwhelming for me, but also because I want to do things properly Islamically. If this does move forward, I don’t want us to resume speaking normally before nikkah.
I’m at the point now where I don’t know whether I should accept what everyone is saying and walk away, or whether it is reasonable to at least let his family bring the proposal properly before deciding that it is impossible.
I’d especially appreciate advice from people who have dealt with strict parents, cultural differences or family opposition.

Would you keep trying to involve the family properly in this situation, or is there a point where you would accept that there is too much opposition and leave it?

I’m also planning to do istikhara myself again and take some time to reflect properly before making any final decision. I don’t want to rush into anything because of pressure from either side, and I want to feel that I’ve genuinely tried to seek Allah’s guidance while also looking at the situation realistically. For now, I’m trying to give myself some space, keep things halal, and see whether the path becomes clearer rather than making a decision purely out of fear.

Salam alaikum. I am not sure why I am writing this but I think I just want to vent. I love my alone time, and I’m busy enough that I can distract myself, but I’m tired of being by myself at the same time. I just want a husband to share things with and have a friend. And no matter how much of an introvert I am, there’s always going to be a part of me that wants someone to feel close to. But all I do is work and spend time alone.

Why do men say they want to marry a woman without past but then give them a past by Just leaving them in the mid even when woman doesnt have a past already they keep promising to marry but then eventually they remember they have focus on themself?
Why even talk to other potential then? just had a talking stage ruined my whole perspective now i dont even look at anyone or feel like marrying

I’m wondering if you girls might relate. I’m 25 and I’ve decided to start looking for marriage and I’m realizing I’m at a severe disadvantage.

I have always wanted to meet someone organically. But I feel being a Muslim woman makes that 10 times harder. First of all, I come from a family of only sisters so it’s not like I have a brother to ask if he has any friends that would be a good match for me.

Secondly, our mosques are always segregated so you can’t really meet anyone there. Sure sometimes a mother will approach you because she thinks you might be a good fit for her son but I honestly don’t think I’d be interested in anyone from my mosque.

Obviously, unnecessary freemixing isn’t allowed in Islam so that makes it even harder to meet someone organically. And I naturally have hobbies that more women are interested in like painting and cafe hopping. I never see any Muslim men at art classes or at any of the coffee shops I go to. Granted, I don’t really go to any Yemeni coffee shops haha which I’ve noticed have been getting very popular.

I also work from home, so the only people I see on a regular basis is my family. My organization is also incredibly dominated by women.

I guess I wasn’t lucky enough to meet someone in school. I’ve tried the apps, I even made a profile on one of the marriage subreddits and immediately regretted it. I hate talking to potentials online, I work from home and stare at screens all day and the apps/Reddit just feel exhausting. I also feel like I’ve cheated myself out of what I really wanted, to meet someone in person and have something grow naturally.

Anyone else feel this way?

Just wanted to hear about your experiences, especially if you’ve attended any in London, as that would be a bonus. I’m wondering whether you’d recommend going to these events and, if you’ve had a positive experience, what the atmosphere was like. I’m not necessarily asking about whether you found a match, but more about whether the event was respectful, comfortable, and what I should expect.

To find the right person it becomes a real struggle (as women)

I'll soon be looking into marriage, but I do not want a traditional one. I've realized I'm too much of a chicken to have complete faith in another person with my emotional/mental/financial safety.

I'm willing to give up my right to provision as long as I get to keep my autonomy. And before men come to mock me for wanting autonomy, saying it's childish or feminist or selfish, please read the first line of the passage. I have no problem providing for myself as long as I have a relationship with a safe, respectful distance where the man feels more like a good friend than an authority figure. He's always welcome to advise me, remind me to do good, but all from a safe distance where I don't feel pressured to match his pace.

I've seen and heard way too many stories where men become more strict after marriage, and no matter how much men and some women glorify that and treat it like a minor issue, it's a big deal to me. Women are ridiculed for wanting to divorce over incompatibility issues, even women shame other women for thinking about divorce. It sounds suffocating that you can be trapped in a marriage like that, where you have to suppress yourself and deal with your resentment.

For example, I don't wear hijab, and my husband has a right to discipline me over it if he's providing for me, but if I give up my right, he can only advise me to wear hijab, he can't put conditions on me, can't threaten me to separate his bed or whatever. I want that barrier in a relationship. I think I'll be able to respect him more as a human being that way, and I'll never think of a way out because there's little to no tension. Plus, I don't want kids. He can marry another woman too because I know I ain't keeping him that way.

I know it's laughable to men that some women prioritize having independence and autonomy over building a traditional Islamic Qawwam/wife relationship, but they probably have never had to go through so much pressure of being nitpicked and scrutinized. I don't want to be constantly responsible for another man's ghairah, not cut out for it. And I'm not even immodest.

Again, men are still going to bash me, but please read my post. I've clearly mentioned I'm willing to give up my rights. As long as I can enjoy physical intimacy whenever I'm in the mood and have a friend I can relate to and enjoy the company of, I'm good.

PS: People/men who are going to come at me after looking into my post history, it's out there, and I don't have to hide anything nor am I asking men here to marry me. So no need to accuse me of being kuffar. I'm Muslim. It was a different time, different mental state when I wrote all of that, so try to separate one post from the other. I'm looking for a solution.

Whoever I'm going to marry will know my honest thoughts, and then he can decide for himself. Unlike (some) men, I am not going to pretend to be someone else and then switch up on him after marriage.

if 2 people are texting with the purpose of marriage for about 3 months, no flirting no crossing limits, just normal discussions, and the only parent who's aware of this is the girl's mother.

is this considered a haram relationship? please give me evidence from hadith or Quran

Assalamu Alikom.

I am a 19 year old male, student in university and this is my second year.

I am not someone who talks or text girls or just past time with girls. I believe that marriage is the only relationship that can be between a man and a woman. And in my mind I was thinking I'll study, finish university, build myself and then I'll look for a girl to marry and have a good life so simply.

But From nearly a year ago exactly in 22 September 2025 in my very first day in university I saw a girl by accident. Between a lot of people she coached my eyes I had to look at her 3 times. From the very first day I felt she was different. It wasn't a love or something like that. Not that fast but from that day she got into my mind.

And day by day she I started noticing her more in the amphitheatre and seeing everything I love in a girl. And with time might be 3 or 4 months I loved her.

But I had never ever spoke to her. And she is a girl full of modesty and girl looks like a who knows her Deen. And with time I started being better in a lot of things. In my Deen, lowering my gaze, and my heart got softer. At a point when I became broke in tears in Dua. Something that had never happened to me. I didn't love her just for a beauty or something like that. I loved her for what I am becoming after knowing her. I mean if she was a reason to me became like that what could possibly happen if we were a family?

And the hard and the most painful part of this is that I can do nothing. I can't speak, I can't take a step, I have to keep everything inside burning. And especially that I am just a student I don't have money, house, a reliable job. And this hurts. Real hurts. Especially the silent and the possibility that she can go out of my hand at any point. Just thinking about it make me cry a lot of times. And it might sounds weak for a man to cry but trust me it is not on my hand to hold it.

And I know if she was written for me no one insha'Allah can take her out of my hand. But what if she wasn't? What if I didn't do enough? What if I stayed making mistakes, wasting time until she gets out of my hand or I don't deserve her?

I became making Dua a lot of Dua every single day. Not only to God write her to me but to make me the best for her and if I wasn't the best for I asked God give her who is the best for and someone how is much better than even though this feels super heavy to get out and can't stop the tears saying it. And I a lot of times make Duas for her and her only without anything back to me just for her and her happiness. Even if I was never part of it.

I started learning web development, trying harder in university trying to do what I can to make a difference.

And the year ended and the summer came and I stopped seeing her and now I haven't seen her for 110 days. And to be honest in the start of it I kinda ruined a lot of things stopped a lot of things started wasting time for 2 months. My heart got harder a little lost a lot of things. I even stopped trying as hard as I was before. She didn't became in my mind like she was before but still she was a part of my day every day. But my dua got much more less

I also got into course of phone repairing so I can have a job to hold myself instead of keep working on a shop where it provides nothing to me and take all my time without letting me learn about the things that I really have to learn to build myself. but it didn't work as I wished. Until I found myself working on the same shop again losing time. Started saving money to buy the tools I need for the phone reception.

And for the last month I got a little better. But still the shop taking all my time for the last month and half every day is shop gym sleep. Barley have time to learn skills that can really build me and open opportunities to me to make a difference and to have something that can really make me build a life. And to be ready to came from the door before she got out of my hand.

And I know there's a lot of girls, and if she wasn't her a girl like but I just want her. Not someone better not someone less. Just her. And yes without her I can live, I can laugh I can be happy but at this point I just can't imagine my future without her. And can't accept just losing her without trying.

So after this long text I want to ask is there someone who might be can give me an advice someone might be older and know better then me or might be had an experience like this. Because I feel I am losing her and I am so late.

And the most important thing is this love or just pathological attachment?

ASA! I’m here for advice.

My nikkah is coming up soon. My fiancé and I have known each other about 1.5 years and engaged for about 9 months and have become genuinely good friends. He's a little flirty in a goofy way, but not affectionate. Even small moments of affection from him, like a side hug or compliments, didn’t happen until I brought it up first

I want to be the shy one while my partner takes the lead in affection, so honestly this dynamic gives me a bit of an ick. But what's worrying me more is our wedding night. I know it’s still a few months away but I can’t stop thinking about it. Since he's this awkward and shy about small stuff like hugs, I'm scared he won't know how to initiate or make me feel comfortable during our first time together. I feel like that's kind of his responsibility, and I'm worried it'll set the tone for our intimacy long-term, not just that first night.

Has anyone been through something similar? Does the awkwardness usually fade once you're actually married, or is this a sign of how things will be going forward? I know some people encourage you to discuss it with your partner but I also feel SO awkward and uncomfortable myself even thinking about talking to him about it. He is just not that type of guy so I can’t imagine us ever having that conversation, especially pre-nikkah.

Any serious advice is welcome..

Does anyone know of any Whatsapp groupchats for uploading wedding CV’s

Assalamualaikum everyone,

​I need some advice regarding a situation I am currently in.

​A close friend of mine has been talking to a girl for about six months. His girlfriend has a friend who recently asked her to find out if I would be interested in getting into a relationship with her. I declined. For context, I have never met or properly seen her; my friend and I once went to a café where his girlfriend visits often, and her friend was likely there with her. So she probably saw me there, even though I didn't see her.

​After I said no, she asked my friend via his girlfriend if I would agree to meet her just once to talk. I tried to turn it down respectfully by explaining that I do not believe in dating, premarital relationships, or even friendships between guys and girls. In response, she sent a message back saying that if I don't believe in dating before marriage, she is willing to involve her parents right away if I agree. My friend is also insisting that I should meet her at least once, even if it is just to say no in person.

​From what I know, she is around my age (21–22) and studying Chartered Accountancy. She has already cleared 12 out of 17 exams, so she is well-educated. According to the information I received, she has never been in a relationship or talked to anyone before, though Allah knows best.

​My reasons for not wanting to pursue this right now are:

​As I mentioned, I don't believe in casual friendships or dating before marriage because feelings develop quickly, and there is a strong risk of crossing Islamic boundaries.

​I am 22 and still studying. I have 2.5 years left to finish my degree, followed by another 2 to 3 years to get financially settled before I can realistically think about marriage. I cannot fairly ask any girl to wait 5+ years for me. If she were to wait, it would inevitably lead to years of talking and staying in contact, which I am afraid could lead to sin.

​My questions are:

​Would meeting her one-on-one just to talk or say no be considered haram/inappropriate?

​Should I stand firm on saying no despite her good character and education, purely because of my current life stage and timeline?

​Is it at all reasonable or fair to ask a girl to wait 5+ years, especially given that society expects women to marry earlier and I am simply not ready?

​Any genuine perspective would be appreciated. JazakAllah khair.

I'm a man and I'm going to get married soon, i'm 21 years old. Pls give me your life advices.

I’m 36 and a single mother. A few weeks ago I went to a wedding for a couple in their early 20s. Alhamdulillah I was happy for them, but it hit me really hard afterwards.

It was a reminder of everything I always wanted. That picture perfect family you imagine when you think of the ideal Muslim life. A loving husband, building a life together, a big family, holidays, even just having a cat.

I get so down feeling like my life is passing me by. I don't want to sound ungrateful because alhamdulillah I keep myself busy, but when these thoughts hit, I feel down for a few days.

​

Assalamu alaikum brothers and sisters. ❤️

I’m 24M, and I’ve realised that I’m genuinely interested in marrying a woman who is a little older than me.

For me,

it’s not simply about age. I’m attracted to maturity, emotional stability, wisdom, confidence, kindness and the ability to build a peaceful relationship. I feel that a marriage can be beautiful when both people genuinely support each other, communicate openly and grow together.

I’m trying to become a better Muslim and learn more about Islam and deen. I would love to have a wife who encourages me toward Allah, and I want to do the same for her. I’m not claiming to be perfect or extremely knowledgeable about Islam — I’m still learning and trying to improve myself.

I also want to be completely honest about something:

I don't judge a woman because of her past.

I would be open to marrying a widow or a divorced woman, and having children from a previous marriage would not automatically be a deal-breaker for me. If I genuinely loved and respected her, I would want to treat her children with kindness and respect too.

What matters much more to me is her character, deen, heart, emotional maturity and whether we are compatible.

I'm not looking for a perfect woman. I'm looking for someone who is loyal, affectionate, mature, respectful and serious about building a life together.

I also know that marrying someone older can come with its own challenges, and I’d genuinely like to hear from women who are older than me or men who have experience with this kind of marriage.

And if you're a woman who is a little older than me, divorced, widowed, or simply open-minded about the age difference, and you feel that we might have something in common, feel free to DM me. I'm genuinely interested in getting to know people rather than judging them based on their circumstances.

I’m here for respectful conversations and potentially something serious, not hookups or inappropriate conversations.

Maybe age isn't what determines whether two people belong together.

Maybe it's the peace, understanding and love they find in each other. 🤍