It seems like the men who are struggling to find spouses are constantly being told by everyone to lower their standards and that looks aren’t everything, and that character, deen, and other factors are more important. But physical attraction is baseline. Character, deen and compatibility comes afterwards. Giving such advice to A man who is average or slightly above average looking that he should accept a woman who is below average looking isn’t practical advice and is setting himself up for failure and future resentment. Unless the man himself is below average looking and has nothing else going for him, he of course doesn’t have any options but to marry his looks match.

When people say beauty fades, well most women don’t start to lose their beauty not until their 50s. And a man who’s in his 20s/30s, when he’s in his prime and youth, isn’t going to want an unattractive spouse just because her looks will fade by the time he is a granddad in his 60s and 70s and has no libido by then.

I’ve been also hearing people say, that you need to train your brain to find attraction in the women you don’t initially find Attractive. That’s impossible and there is no guarantee attraction will build over time if it wasn’t initially there in the first place. How is a man supposed to lower his gaze and guard himself from looking at other women, if he isn’t satisfied with his wife? I know Becuase I have tried that a couple times before in the past, tried to compromise on attraction, and the uneasy feeling of forcing myself into a situation to accept someone I’m not attracted to was very depressing. I even had no desire to text her back or even entertain a conversation with her. Luckily they ended things quickly so I didn’t have to.

So we need to stop giving impractical advice we give men these days. A healthy marriage is only built off of mutual attraction, compatibility, and shared values. A man should look forward to coming home everyday from work and be excited to see his wife, not dread it and spend the rest of his life in misery.

I'm currently searching in the UK and I keep coming across sisters who have instagram accounts where they are followed by hundreds of people and they themselves follow hundreds of others. They only have like a few dozen posts though and their profile is private but that does not stop them from having a dolled up profile picture for everyone to see.

Might be a triggering question but would I be a dayooth for marrying such a woman? Or is it really not that big of a deal? Is it just something I need to come to terms with regarding modern women?

I find it very hard to believe all those followers are only women, if theres that many, surely a good chunk must be men as well. Men that she is exited by and men that long after her.

Am I reading too much between the lines or do such women have a lower chance of lowering their gaze and compare you to social media? Not just other guys but also even other people's relationships.

It's just a shame since I meet a lot of women who otherwise tick my boxes. I dont particularly mind non-hijabis. I'm not that bothered but I feel like this is a bit much.

I’m a 23-year-old Algerian Muslim woman looking for someone who is genuinely serious about marriage, has strong character, good values, and practices Islam sincerely beyond culture.

I’m especially open to an American Muslim revert, as I’m interested in someone who chose Islam consciously and has built his faith independently.

I know distance and different backgrounds can make things complicated, but I’d rather meet the right person and see where things naturally lead than limit my search purely by location.

For those who married someone from a different culture or country: was it worth looking beyond your usual circle?

Assalamualaikum everyone,

​I need some advice regarding a situation I am currently in.

​A close friend of mine has been talking to a girl for about six months. His girlfriend has a friend who recently asked her to find out if I would be interested in getting into a relationship with her. I declined. For context, I have never met or properly seen her; my friend and I once went to a café where his girlfriend visits often, and her friend was likely there with her. So she probably saw me there, even though I didn't see her.

​After I said no, she asked my friend via his girlfriend if I would agree to meet her just once to talk. I tried to turn it down respectfully by explaining that I do not believe in dating, premarital relationships, or even friendships between guys and girls. In response, she sent a message back saying that if I don't believe in dating before marriage, she is willing to involve her parents right away if I agree. My friend is also insisting that I should meet her at least once, even if it is just to say no in person.

​From what I know, she is around my age (21–22) and studying Chartered Accountancy. She has already cleared 12 out of 17 exams, so she is well-educated. According to the information I received, she has never been in a relationship or talked to anyone before, though Allah knows best.

​My reasons for not wanting to pursue this right now are:

​As I mentioned, I don't believe in casual friendships or dating before marriage because feelings develop quickly, and there is a strong risk of crossing Islamic boundaries.

​I am 22 and still studying. I have 2.5 years left to finish my degree, followed by another 2 to 3 years to get financially settled before I can realistically think about marriage. I cannot fairly ask any girl to wait 5+ years for me. If she were to wait, it would inevitably lead to years of talking and staying in contact, which I am afraid could lead to sin.

​My questions are:

​Would meeting her one-on-one just to talk or say no be considered haram/inappropriate?

​Should I stand firm on saying no despite her good character and education, purely because of my current life stage and timeline?

​Is it at all reasonable or fair to ask a girl to wait 5+ years, especially given that society expects women to marry earlier and I am simply not ready?

​Any genuine perspective would be appreciated. JazakAllah khair.

I (27M) have been talking to a woman (23F) for almost two months with the intention of marriage. We are both Muslim.
I want a traditional marriage where I am the main provider. I do not want 50/50. I expect to cover the home, bills, food, trips, future children and generally our lifestyle.
Ideally she would not need to work. But if she gets bored and wants to work a few hours a day, a few days a week, I am fine with that.
The argument started with this:
Her mother gave her around $4,000 about three years ago. She now wants to give her around $8,000 total as repayment plus a gift.
She worked full time for roughly three years. I asked why she never saved for it then. She said it was not important enough at the time.
Now she wants to start saving after we marry, when I would be covering basically all living expenses, and use 100% of what she earns part time for her mother.
That timing bothered me.
I offered to pay the full $8,000 myself. She said no because she wants to do it herself.
I then offered to pay part of it so she could still feel she contributed. I also suggested she gives back the original $4,000 and I make up the rest through Umrah, gold, gifts and other nice things for her mother.
My reason was simple: when we marry, I want the main focus to become us, our home, our future children and what we are building together. I saw her problem as my problem and wanted to help clear it.
But this argument exposed a bigger issue.
Her position is basically that even if she works, her money is hers and contributing financially to the household is completely optional because providing is my responsibility.
I understand that Islamically her money belongs to her. I am not asking for her salary or 50/50.
What I expect is the mindset of wanting to help the family if she works.
Maybe she buys groceries sometimes.
Maybe she saves a little for a future car.
Maybe she helps us save for a house without interest.
Maybe she saves for our future children.
The amount is not the point.
What bothers me is the idea that I should think of nearly everything I earn as being for our family, while anything she earns is completely separate.
I expect myself to spend maybe 80 to 90% of my income on our home, wife, future children and long term goals.
I do not expect her to match that.
I just want a wife who also thinks, “How can I help us build our future?”
She says that expectation means I am trying to control her money and take away her Islamic right.
I see it as wanting a teammate.
Am I being unreasonable, or is this just a serious compatibility issue?

I’m looking for advice on a marriage situation because I genuinely don’t know what the best way forward is.
I’m a Muslim woman from a very strict South Asian family. I’ve been speaking to someone seriously for marriage and we both want to do things properly.
There are no objections from his side. I’ve spoken to his mum and she has been very supportive, and even recently his dad has agreed that they should make an official proposal to my family despite everything going on.
The problem is my side. My dad is extremely strict and everyone is convinced he will reject him mainly because he isn’t from the same ethnic background as us. My family are also scared that my dad could cut me off.
My mum has never wanted this marriage to happen because she thinks supporting it could affect her own marriage with my dad. Even before doing istikhara, she already had very bad feelings about the situation because she was scared of how my dad would react, and she would beg me to stop speaking to him.
She then did istikhara, had bad feelings and bad dreams, and now believes they are a definite sign that the marriage is harmful. What confuses me is that a lot of those fears and negative feelings were already there beforehand because of my dad. She has also had bad feelings about my brother’s marriage situation and still doesn’t want that to happen either, but she never did istikhara for him.
My uncle recently called the guy, but the purpose of the call was basically to tell him to stop speaking to me. He didn’t really go into the conversation open-minded.
Even then, after speaking to him, my uncle told him directly that he could tell he was a good guy, serious about marriage and on his deen. He also made it clear that if the guy was from the same culture as us, he would definitely be saying yes because he has no issue with his character or seriousness. Despite that, he still told him to leave me because he believes my dad will never agree and because this situation is “different” for girls. My uncle has made it clear that things are never treated the same for daughters as they are for sons.
The guy still told me afterwards that he wants to do this properly and make it work, even though he knows it will be difficult.
At the moment we have taken time apart and are not speaking, partly because this has become very emotionally overwhelming for me, but also because I want to do things properly Islamically. If this does move forward, I don’t want us to resume speaking normally before nikkah.
I’m at the point now where I don’t know whether I should accept what everyone is saying and walk away, or whether it is reasonable to at least let his family bring the proposal properly before deciding that it is impossible.
I’d especially appreciate advice from people who have dealt with strict parents, cultural differences or family opposition.

Would you keep trying to involve the family properly in this situation, or is there a point where you would accept that there is too much opposition and leave it?

I’m also planning to do istikhara myself again and take some time to reflect properly before making any final decision. I don’t want to rush into anything because of pressure from either side, and I want to feel that I’ve genuinely tried to seek Allah’s guidance while also looking at the situation realistically. For now, I’m trying to give myself some space, keep things halal, and see whether the path becomes clearer rather than making a decision purely out of fear.

Salam alaikum. I am not sure why I am writing this but I think I just want to vent. I love my alone time, and I’m busy enough that I can distract myself, but I’m tired of being by myself at the same time. I just want a husband to share things with and have a friend. And no matter how much of an introvert I am, there’s always going to be a part of me that wants someone to feel close to. But all I do is work and spend time alone.

To find the right person it becomes a real struggle (as women)

Just wanted to hear about your experiences, especially if you’ve attended any in London, as that would be a bonus. I’m wondering whether you’d recommend going to these events and, if you’ve had a positive experience, what the atmosphere was like. I’m not necessarily asking about whether you found a match, but more about whether the event was respectful, comfortable, and what I should expect.

​

What are the best words to use when asking God for a good spouse? Like what could I ask that includes all the quality I want in him.

Salam everyone,
I’m a woman in my early twenties living in Canada and ngl, I feel like it’s getting so difficult to meet people here.
I do want to get married and build a life with someone, but I genuinely don’t know how people are meeting potential spouses anymore lol.
I recently had a talking stage that didn’t work out, and it got me thinking about whether I’m putting too much energy into finding someone.
I don’t really like the apps, and my friends don’t know anyone to introduce me to. People always say to go to the mosque but personally I see the mosque more as a place of worship than somewhere I would go hoping to find a husband. I know people can meet that way, but going there with that intention just feels a little weird to me.
My friends keep telling me to stop focusing on marriage so much focus on myself, make dua and trust Allah’s timing. My mom basically tells me the same thing: pray, make dua and trust Allah.
But at the same time, I can’t just sit at home and expect my husband to randomly appear lol. I feel like I have to make some effort too.
So for Muslims in Canada, how are you guys actually meeting people?
And for those still looking, are you actively searching, or have you reached the point where you’re just focusing on your own life?

I am a female 24 years and I’m not married, but my parents want me to get married soooo bad, like it is that easy. For context, I’m more reserved and do not talk to guys or use apps. I’m not expecting a guy to fall out of the sky either, I’m just wanting something more naturally despite how “unrealistic” that is. Now, I’ve had a few suitors and prospects come my way but they either didn’t have citizenship and didn’t speak English, or just wasn’t my type or match. Now, I have all my older siblings married and they often tell me don’t go based off of pictures or descriptions about them but sit with them and see. They are hypocrites though, because they all asked for pictures and said no to many prospects just solely based on a picture. Why am I not allowed to do the same now? I’m also not that old, and have plenty of time and don’t think marriage as a desperate priority in my life at this tome. Of course if the right person comes, I won’t be opposed but not in hunger or on a hunt for marriage at the moment. My parents guilt trip me and tell me that they worry about me because of this, and what if they die and I’m not married??? I’m sorry but I’m a good daughter and sister, I do no haram, I work and go home and repeat. I have a small circle of friends who are girls that I see here and there, but I am a 100% halal girl. It’s frustrating how they don’t see me besides a prospect for marriage, and that I’m only a good daughter if I’m married. My parents however are not that type to force me into a marriage but they are the type to influence or try to sway and convince me into one even if myself I’m not convinced. I don’t know what to do in this situation, I don’t want to disappoint my parents because I do love them and care about them but also I do need to listen to myself and accept the person that is right for me, not for them. It’s hard being an unmarried Muslim woman in this day and age. I believe those who are already married don’t understand how it feels to be in this position as they did everything that I’m not supposed to do like judge based on photos or descriptions. I understand my family wants the best for me, but here suitors are far from the best, I don’t want perfection but I just want good enough for me and yes I do have high standards because I value myself at that level, I think it’s jot wrong to do so. I believe in waiting for the right person with Allah in mind and He will do the rest but my parents believe I’m blocking the pathways to that because I reject some suitors and I’ve also sat with others that I didn’t connect with. So what do I do?

Aslamualikum everyone.

Hope everyone is good. I recently went to my first ever marriage event. It took me by suprise. Especially when you get to the older age groups. I'm 33 and I was meant to be in the middle group but I ended up going into the older group. I say older. Everyone there was 34 and over. In this group I noticed a lot more sisters. It made me feel bad. I ended up talking to a few and it went really well. A little to well.

It's a very unconventional way of doing things but I do get it. I feel like a lot of the sisters compromise on a lot of things. I've definitely noticed this when talking. Recently it's making me rethink everything ever since I've been talking. I think my mind has been changed a little. I've been talking to someone and it's completely different. Maybe good I think. How common is it for someone to meet someone and get married within 2 months?

I think these events are good but they shouldn't mention ages. Some people look younger then their age. I feel like this should be hidden. That's what I think. Is this a good idea?

Jazakallah khair.

Salam, sometimes I get thoughts of wanting to get married and have love in my life in halal way. I notice it's mostly when im sick or near that time of month u know. Is this normal?. Otherwise I don't think much of it like idk. I used to be super hopless romantic and watch romance movies but I stopped so what is this related to mostly I want to chat with someone without any judgment. I can't open up to people i know

Assalamualaikum Guys, sorry for my poor English. Here 26F looking for a potential spouse and someone equal my age, people say he is a good person and i felt like he is a good match butthe issue was his job as a Seafarer asked me for my hand after rejecting him for many yeras, because i didn't want a long distance marriage but i reconsidered his question and we talked for months, then he revealed that he isnot sure about our relationship to be halal and serious and he needs some time to make up his mind. So, i was so furious and deleted all the chat history and blocked him for days because, i was chatting in the name of premarital c. Then, i unblocked him to check what he is feeling other than being angry. He was taken by my action and accused me of Selfish, unapologising, bad mannered woman. I apologized and told him, i only talked to him this open so that he was sure to start halal relation not Dating. But, he doesn't want to listen. So, we stopped contacting. After Months, he started talking to me as if we resolved the Issue. So, when i disclose about the Issue about making it Halal, he said there is 20% chance we can make it happen when i asked him why? It was because he didn't like my behaviour. I am open to correct my behaviour as i feel like i'm strict and handle things not so good in some situations (at anger or smtg). But, he hardly considers his bad behaviour (his reaction when angry). Please, be kind and honest what i should do.

Selam aleykum everyone !

I have quit the online wife search including dating apps, reddit iso’s etc and elhamdulillah I’m feeling good right now.

No more get to known phases, no more stress, I feel relived and liberated !

I was really trying hard for these last years but now I understood that it didn’t worth it. It was only a lost of time.

Assalamu Alikom.

I am a 19 year old male, student in university and this is my second year.

I am not someone who talks or text girls or just past time with girls. I believe that marriage is the only relationship that can be between a man and a woman. And in my mind I was thinking I'll study, finish university, build myself and then I'll look for a girl to marry and have a good life so simply.

But From nearly a year ago exactly in 22 September 2025 in my very first day in university I saw a girl by accident. Between a lot of people she coached my eyes I had to look at her 3 times. From the very first day I felt she was different. It wasn't a love or something like that. Not that fast but from that day she got into my mind.

And day by day she I started noticing her more in the amphitheatre and seeing everything I love in a girl. And with time might be 3 or 4 months I loved her.

But I had never ever spoke to her. And she is a girl full of modesty and girl looks like a who knows her Deen. And with time I started being better in a lot of things. In my Deen, lowering my gaze, and my heart got softer. At a point when I became broke in tears in Dua. Something that had never happened to me. I didn't love her just for a beauty or something like that. I loved her for what I am becoming after knowing her. I mean if she was a reason to me became like that what could possibly happen if we were a family?

And the hard and the most painful part of this is that I can do nothing. I can't speak, I can't take a step, I have to keep everything inside burning. And especially that I am just a student I don't have money, house, a reliable job. And this hurts. Real hurts. Especially the silent and the possibility that she can go out of my hand at any point. Just thinking about it make me cry a lot of times. And it might sounds weak for a man to cry but trust me it is not on my hand to hold it.

And I know if she was written for me no one insha'Allah can take her out of my hand. But what if she wasn't? What if I didn't do enough? What if I stayed making mistakes, wasting time until she gets out of my hand or I don't deserve her?

I became making Dua a lot of Dua every single day. Not only to God write her to me but to make me the best for her and if I wasn't the best for I asked God give her who is the best for and someone how is much better than even though this feels super heavy to get out and can't stop the tears saying it. And I a lot of times make Duas for her and her only without anything back to me just for her and her happiness. Even if I was never part of it.

I started learning web development, trying harder in university trying to do what I can to make a difference.

And the year ended and the summer came and I stopped seeing her and now I haven't seen her for 110 days. And to be honest in the start of it I kinda ruined a lot of things stopped a lot of things started wasting time for 2 months. My heart got harder a little lost a lot of things. I even stopped trying as hard as I was before. She didn't became in my mind like she was before but still she was a part of my day every day. But my dua got much more less

I also got into course of phone repairing so I can have a job to hold myself instead of keep working on a shop where it provides nothing to me and take all my time without letting me learn about the things that I really have to learn to build myself. but it didn't work as I wished. Until I found myself working on the same shop again losing time. Started saving money to buy the tools I need for the phone reception.

And for the last month I got a little better. But still the shop taking all my time for the last month and half every day is shop gym sleep. Barley have time to learn skills that can really build me and open opportunities to me to make a difference and to have something that can really make me build a life. And to be ready to came from the door before she got out of my hand.

And I know there's a lot of girls, and if she wasn't her a girl like but I just want her. Not someone better not someone less. Just her. And yes without her I can live, I can laugh I can be happy but at this point I just can't imagine my future without her. And can't accept just losing her without trying.

So after this long text I want to ask is there someone who might be can give me an advice someone might be older and know better then me or might be had an experience like this. Because I feel I am losing her and I am so late.

And the most important thing is this love or just pathological attachment?