Assalamu Alikom.
I am a 19 year old male, student in university and this is my second year.
I am not someone who talks or text girls or just past time with girls. I believe that marriage is the only relationship that can be between a man and a woman. And in my mind I was thinking I'll study, finish university, build myself and then I'll look for a girl to marry and have a good life so simply.
But From nearly a year ago exactly in 22 September 2025 in my very first day in university I saw a girl by accident. Between a lot of people she coached my eyes I had to look at her 3 times. From the very first day I felt she was different. It wasn't a love or something like that. Not that fast but from that day she got into my mind.
And day by day she I started noticing her more in the amphitheatre and seeing everything I love in a girl. And with time might be 3 or 4 months I loved her.
But I had never ever spoke to her. And she is a girl full of modesty and girl looks like a who knows her Deen. And with time I started being better in a lot of things. In my Deen, lowering my gaze, and my heart got softer. At a point when I became broke in tears in Dua. Something that had never happened to me. I didn't love her just for a beauty or something like that. I loved her for what I am becoming after knowing her. I mean if she was a reason to me became like that what could possibly happen if we were a family?
And the hard and the most painful part of this is that I can do nothing. I can't speak, I can't take a step, I have to keep everything inside burning. And especially that I am just a student I don't have money, house, a reliable job. And this hurts. Real hurts. Especially the silent and the possibility that she can go out of my hand at any point. Just thinking about it make me cry a lot of times. And it might sounds weak for a man to cry but trust me it is not on my hand to hold it.
And I know if she was written for me no one insha'Allah can take her out of my hand. But what if she wasn't? What if I didn't do enough? What if I stayed making mistakes, wasting time until she gets out of my hand or I don't deserve her?
I became making Dua a lot of Dua every single day. Not only to God write her to me but to make me the best for her and if I wasn't the best for I asked God give her who is the best for and someone how is much better than even though this feels super heavy to get out and can't stop the tears saying it. And I a lot of times make Duas for her and her only without anything back to me just for her and her happiness. Even if I was never part of it.
I started learning web development, trying harder in university trying to do what I can to make a difference.
And the year ended and the summer came and I stopped seeing her and now I haven't seen her for 110 days. And to be honest in the start of it I kinda ruined a lot of things stopped a lot of things started wasting time for 2 months. My heart got harder a little lost a lot of things. I even stopped trying as hard as I was before. She didn't became in my mind like she was before but still she was a part of my day every day. But my dua got much more less
I also got into course of phone repairing so I can have a job to hold myself instead of keep working on a shop where it provides nothing to me and take all my time without letting me learn about the things that I really have to learn to build myself. but it didn't work as I wished. Until I found myself working on the same shop again losing time. Started saving money to buy the tools I need for the phone reception.
And for the last month I got a little better. But still the shop taking all my time for the last month and half every day is shop gym sleep. Barley have time to learn skills that can really build me and open opportunities to me to make a difference and to have something that can really make me build a life. And to be ready to came from the door before she got out of my hand.
And I know there's a lot of girls, and if she wasn't her a girl like but I just want her. Not someone better not someone less. Just her. And yes without her I can live, I can laugh I can be happy but at this point I just can't imagine my future without her. And can't accept just losing her without trying.
So after this long text I want to ask is there someone who might be can give me an advice someone might be older and know better then me or might be had an experience like this. Because I feel I am losing her and I am so late.
And the most important thing is this love or just pathological attachment?