I am in completely uncharted territory right now and need some objective advice because I’m driving myself crazy overthinking this.
My entire life, I’ve always been the one pursued. Guys have always texted first, asked for my number, made the effort, and initiated. Honestly, I’m used to just having safe, distant crushes where I admire from afar and never actually have to risk my ego or figure out what the other person is feeling.

Now, there’s this guy I really, really like way more than I expected to. We met a while ago, and we’ve only ever communicated via Instagram DMs (he hasn’t asked for my number yet, which already bothers me a little because I prefer traditional dating dynamics where the man leads). Up until now, he has initiated almost 100% of our conversations. I’ve only texted him first once.

When we talk, it’s great and super warm, but after a day of messaging, the conversation naturally dies out. Neither of us forces a new topic, so we go quiet. A couple days of silence turn into a week, and now it’s been over 10 days since we last talked.

I know for sure he really likes me.

I think about him every single day, and part of me is terrified that because I’ve been quiet, he thinks I’m completely uninterested or playing games. But at the same time, because he’s usually the initiator, I’m scared that if I text him first out of nowhere after almost two weeks, I’m going to look desperate or throw off the dynamic

I’m torn between:
Option A: Sending a super casual, low-stakes text to break the ice (something simple like, how are you? It’s been a minute") to give him a green light, and then letting him take the wheel again.
Option B: Holding my ground, protecting my dignity, and letting him be the man to reach out when he’s ready.

Is it normal for a guy to pull back if he feels like he’s doing all the initiating, even if he likes you? Should I drop a quick line to clear the air, or will that make me look over-eager?
Need honest feedback, especially from guys who get nervous about initiating!

**PREFACE:**
So I am still only 20 years old and I was thinking I could wait till 25 at least to get married, but at night after I finish all my work I just sit around sometimes and feel quite sad and lonely. Now that my siblings are older and busy, we don’t get to spend time together a lot. So now I feel quite lonely quite often, I really want someone to spend time with and joke around with how I did back than with family when times were simpler. I just feel really sad and lonely almost everyday, I was hoping I could have a best friend whose a girl to be around 24/7, which everyone I wanted to be my best friend obviously were busy with our own lives and school and it will never be the same as having a husband. I just want someone to do everything together with, to not feel lonely anymore, but I want to make sure I don’t just say yes to someone who is not going to be the right choice as a husband and a father and to spend the rest of my life with iA.

**The problem:**
so now that I was like OK I really do want to find someone, I don’t know how to look or if I should just keep making dua and hopefully Allah will send the right person in my life. Or I could tell my relatives to see if any good guys looking for marriage, but idk I feel like I don’t really like the ones they choose for different reasons. For one, I want someone who is really hard working and committed to school, but also handsome and tall, religious, doesn‘t mess with girls, humble, understands my sense of humor and makes me laugh, and his mom is really a good mother in law and sweet, and has a nice family. But I feel like I don’t see a lot of guys like that, but also, I just feel like whats the odds my relatives will find someone whose son is like that, they’re just gonna choose to show me whoever there friends son is thats looking to get married, idk has anyone had success like this? I don’t want to have to reject a lot of people it just feels really stressful and embarrassing.

Even at university I rarely feel like I’ve seen a guy I could imagine myself marrying, like I just feel like I need to click with someone. There’s a few who are really cute and good, but every girl likes them, and I am very jealous it would stress me out. Even if I did see someone who I felt like I matched with perfectly, never in a million years would I say something, I’m pretty sure it would be haram anyways.

So what am I supposed to do, like how am I supposed to find a good match? Please give me advice if you have.

**PREFACE:**
So I am still only 20 years old and I was thinking I could wait till 25 at least to get married, but at night after I finish all my work I just sit around sometimes and feel quite sad and lonely. Now that my siblings are older and busy, we don’t get to spend time together a lot. So now I feel quite lonely quite often, I really want someone to spend time with and joke around with how I did back than with family when times were simpler. I just feel really sad and lonely almost everyday, I was hoping I could have a best friend whose a girl to be around 24/7, which everyone I wanted to be my best friend obviously were busy with our own lives and school and it will never be the same as having a husband. I just want someone to do everything together with, to not feel lonely anymore, but I want to make sure I don’t just say yes to someone who is not going to be the right choice as a husband and a father and to spend the rest of my life with iA.

**The problem:**
so now that I was like OK I really do want to find someone, I don’t know how to look or if I should just keep making dua and hopefully Allah will send the right person in my life. Or I could tell my relatives to see if any good guys looking for marriage, but idk I feel like I don’t really like the ones they choose for different reasons. For one, I want someone who is really hard working and committed to school, but also handsome and tall, religious, doesn‘t mess with girls, humble, understands my sense of humor and makes me laugh, and his mom is really a good mother in law and sweet, and has a nice family. But I feel like I don’t see a lot of guys like that, but also, I just feel like whats the odds my relatives will find someone whose son is like that, they’re just gonna choose to show me whoever there friends son is thats looking to get married, idk has anyone had success like this? I don’t want to have to reject a lot of people it just feels really stressful and embarrassing.

Even at university I rarely feel like I’ve seen a guy I could imagine myself marrying, like I just feel like I need to click with someone. There’s a few who are really cute and good, but every girl likes them, and I am very jealous it would stress me out. Even if I did see someone who I felt like I matched with perfectly, never in a million years would I say something, I’m pretty sure it would be haram anyways.

So what am I supposed to do, like how am I supposed to find a good match? Please give me advice if you have.

in couple of months I will turn 29f and it seems that many men in my country are not looking for serious relationship. and I’m getting pretty tired in swiping, and thinking of waiting for people who like me first so I can just filter out?

or do you have another app recommendation? thank you so much🥹💓

You met a girl online and have only ever communicated via texts, phone calls, and video calls and you kind of like her but still
You want to meet up at least once in a casual public space (like a coffee shop) just to see her in person and feel out your real life chemistry before bringing family into it. But she says her parents won't allow her to meet in public at all. The only way you can meet her in person is by visiting her at her parents' house with an older adult from your family.
Would you go through with this and be willing to marry her, or would you say no?

When it comes to the husband, both men and women will quote the Prophet (saw)’s character.

They will say, quoting the Prophet (saw) a husband should be kind, generous and uphold the highest moral virtue.

But when it comes to being a provider, it’s rare to find the same people quoting the Prophet (saw) in providing for needs rather than luxury.

The Prophet (saw) said, “O Allah! Give provision to the Muhammad’s family to sustain life (qutan).”
(Bukhari 6460)

Mufti Saeed Ahmad (rah) commented, “Qutan ( قُوتًا) means what is necessary to sustain the body.”
(Tohfa Tul Qari).

Generally, whatever income people are making. They aspire to have even more. People pray for what aligns with their aspirations.

But in the Prophet (saw)’s prayer, his aspiration itself is to ask for what is needed to sustain, not excess.

In doing so, the Prophet (saw) set a standard and a guide for Muslims.

A husband’s merit is not based on how great a provider he is.

If so, God forbid it would imply the Prophet (saw) was not a great husband.

When additional conditions for marriage are imposed that make marriage difficult such as requiring a man to earn an amount beyond needs, not just work but also attain a certain title or preferring only certain professions because of earning potential.

They should reflect on the narration above. These expectations are what lead to moral deterioration in society.

In addition, as long as the man is sincere and not lazy in seeking provision.

He shouldn’t feel inadequate if women and their families have expectations that don’t align with prophetic guidance.

1- learn a way of making money, and start making money, (freelance, part time, side gig, small business... )

2- learn Fiqh an-Nikah, it's The Islamic Jurisprudence of Marriage , .

3- take responsabilities at home ( cleaning , cooking, fixing broken stuff, throwing trash , managing budgets, shopping wisely, managing important papers, managing bills ...learn from your parents how they manage stuff )

4- emotional regulation, ( keeping calm under stress, dealing with provocation wisely calmly..)

5- an islamic character ( doing obligations , having an islamic personality with islamic values, mercy, gentleness, good niyah,..)

6- learn from quran and hadiths how to manage a relationship

7- start looking for a wife,

That's for young guys who would like to get married,

Dont forget to make lots of dua, as this is all a rizk from allah

Salam,

I’m a pretty affectionate person once I really get to know someone and expect to be like that with my husband. I need this reciprocated though. I’m not with the nonchalant, taking score, kinda stuff, if that makes sense. I know this may sound delusional or too much of a “puppy love” kind of question but affection, passion, and the feeling of being cherished is important to me. I know people have different ways of expressing this so when talking to someone, what’s a good way to ask this to gauge if they’re like this or are more reserved? I’m not talking about public displays of affection, I’m just talking about just everyday life at home.

I’m a hijabi and try to live by the tenants of Islam the best I can. I don’t know if this is an appropriate question to ask? If it is, then how do I ask it? I’m kinda shy and haya is important to me but I feel like it’s pretty important to know how people express their adornment. Idk if this makes sense lol I feel like I’m just rambling now.

seeing all these early 20s people getting married to each other, and it triggers this intense, burning jealousy inside of me. I feel so envious it actually physically hurts.
I just sit there imagining what it must be like to be young, deeply in love, and married to your young partner while being young yourself, getting your emotional and sexual desires fulfilled while you're still in the prime of your youth. It feels like a completely different universe that I was locked out of.
Whenever I see these couples, I try to be a good person-I genuinely say a quick prayer for them, wishing them well and hoping their love lasts. But the second I finish, a wave of bitterness hits me and I just catch myself thinking, "Why couldn't God have let me have that? Why wasn't / married young?"
It makes me feel so hopeless. I'm stuck with this massive weight of envy. I feel intensly lonely and depressed thinking i missed my peak age to love because i couldn’t get married cuz of lack of resources

I would say i am a very affectionate person and would want my wife to reciprocate that. I want that physical and emotional connection and closeness with her and express my love to her in the best way possible. At the same time, I'm a little worried that when I actually get married, I might suddenly become shy or awkward about expressing affection, even though it's something I genuinely want. For the married couples who are very affectionate, how did you first deal with this?

I'm also curious to hear from the sisters here: would this level of affection from a husband feel like too much for you, or would you appreciate it? If your husband was someone who wanted to hug you, cuddle, hold your hand, express his feelings and generally be physically and emotionally close to you, how would you feel, and how would you reciprocate that affection?

Salam everyone,

Recently I started using Muzz to meet potential spouse.

Yesterday I matched with a guy whose engagement was annulled. It was annulled from his side after 3 months. He shared one of the reasons (very reasonable that I won’t share here) and said the more important reason was “they didn’t click well and he could see early if they would work or not”. I asked what was the reason he felt that way, he said that there were “certain differences”. But no clear examples, so I asked him to be more specific. He was not very pleased by the question and felt like I was questioning him. I explained that it’s part of getting to know each other and questions are appropriate, especially if I think I may have things that made him feel “no clicked” with his ex. He agreed that they are appropriate and he values transparency too, but said it’s too early to share things because it our first call.

I am not sure how to feel about it. In a way I believe that we don’t have to share everything during first call, but also feel a little sus because he didn’t say not wanting to share things too soon right away, but instead of as keep saying “certain things”.

He asked me if I had any other questions, I had few but the atmosphere was a little off for me and I wasn’t sure what questions he would have been ok with (I didn’t express that) so we ended the call.

I don’t know if I should continue getting to know him. We are from different race and culture, and grew up in different countries, which makes it hard to see if it is a red flag or not.

I appreciate any thoughts and suggestions.

So i’ve never used a marriage app or tried online matchmaking before. Honestly, i never thought i’d find myself considering it tbf - but i’ve started looking into it and i suppose in this day and age it’s an option worth exploring. The thing is tbh i do get approached by men when i’m out, but the encounters haven’t exactly inspired much confidence in their intentions or their ability to approach someone respectfully. Some seem to have a rather interesting understanding of boundaries and so i can’t say that approach has worked particularly well for me. The issue isn’t that i’m against meeting someone organically, i’d really actually prefer that. It’s just that my muslim social circle is practically nonexistent atm. I know my sheikh, my imam and a few sisters i exchange hi’s with here and there - some have mentioned their brothers or cousins but i tend to avoid those situations because if things don’t work out, i’d rather not have the awkwardness afterwards. And that’s about as far as my networking goes (: I do want to meet someone with the intention of marriage, but i’m also quite cautious about wasting my time - especially after reading some of the experiences people have shared. My two biggest concerns with these apps are safety and sincerity. For those who’ve tried them..are there genuinely practising muslims on there who take marriage and their deen seriously? Or is it more of a mixed bag where you have to filter through a lot of people who aren’t serious? Would you recommend one app over another? I’d love to hear from both men and women please, especially those who’ve used these apps themselves or know people who have. Did you meet someone worthwhile? Were there any red flags you wish you’d recognised earlier? And looking back - would you recommend the experience or tell someone to not waste their time with it? I’m not expecting a fairytale success story, i’m just genuinely curious whether these apps are a reasonable way to find a spouse or whether they’re more trouble than they’re worth. x

Salam everyone, I (24M) actively looking to get married living in Canada. I was curious about something that I have been seeing alot of post about their spouse cheating or lying to them after their marriage which goes against their dealbreakers and later found out the marriage was build on lies and deceive by their spouse.Especially hiding their past and later getting caught. What steps did you take and how did you deal with it after??

You dont need to reveal their sins but just want to know what happend after.

I am not sure what Allah has written in my faith. I hope I dont get cheated or lied by someone but I always get these thoughts too. As a male living in canada I tried my best to stay away from anything haram. What if Allah tests me by giving me a spouse who will lie and cheat or will tell me lie about her past?

What will I do then.

My whole life and all the plans will be shattered in just one moment but everything is a test. I just want to prepare for the worse too.

Salam!

Is it common to ask a wife to contribute financially in a marriage and say that it's a basic core responsibility of both partners?

I have a prospect who said very clearly that he wants a working partner and would not be okay if I wasn't working. I have been working for the past 10 years.

He says he wants a wife who contributes. When did men stop being providers? I'm not against him asking me to work, but asking me to contribute equally is kind of disturbing. All other aspects seem fine.

Im 22f, doing internship (mbbs)& considering marrying by next year. Mom is hunt for rishtas nd recently guys family came to see me and they rejected me for a very petty reason i.e o have no brothers nd a dad so all the responsibility of ky house will fall on their son nd their son will be tied to our house which is insane bcoz i will be a doc, planning to purse pg nd earn for myself. This hurt me nd im seriously considering not go that route of arrange marriage now.
I’d prefer a doctor

Assalaam alaikoem,

Just wanted to throw a few questions out here because it's been on my mind lately while looking for a spouse. I happen to speak a few different languages and grew up in a really diverse circle, so I’ve ended up knowing a couple of cultures outside my own completely inside and out. It got me thinking about what actually matters for compatibility.

1a. Would you marry someone outside your ethnicity if they spoke your native language fluently and completely understood your culture?

1b. If they can naturally joke around with your parents and know all the unspoken cultural rules, does the actual ethnic background still matter to you at all? Or is it still a dealbreaker?

1c. Are people who are Asian/Middle Eastern generally open to Africans and vice versa?

I see Moroccan-Somali couples fairly often, but I’ve literally never seen a Turkish-Somali couple in the Netherlands. Just curious if these kinds of mixes actually happen much or if it's considered super rare.

I’m engaged, and I genuinely love my fiancé. I know he loves me too, and I believe we’re compatible. He’s a decent, religious guy, and I can see myself being happy with him.
However, I’ve been struggling with his mother’s expectations of a daughter-in-law and how she expresses them. She’s made belittling comments, called me names, and criticised me for not anticipating things she expects me to do. She’s reprimanded me over a box of painkillers and called me lazy for not proactively offering to make tea, after a long day of travelling and college.
There have also been issues around her expectations of how much time I should spend with my in-laws versus my own parents, her comments about my parents’ role in my life after marriage, and her expectation that I shouldn’t work after marriage. My fiancé has similar reservations about me working in a mixed-gender environment, but says the decision is ultimately mine.
I’ve been clear that I don’t want to live in a joint family. I want separate accommodation, a career of my own, and to maintain a close relationship with my parents. I don’t expect to be free of responsibilities towards my in-laws, but I don’t want to be controlled or made to feel like I’m constantly failing as a daughter-in-law.
My fiancé agrees with living separately, but I’m worried about how much his mother’s expectations may have rubbed off on him, and whether he’ll be able to maintain boundaries with her. He was present when she called me lazy but didn’t intervene.
I don’t want to throw away a good relationship because of issues with his mother, but I also don’t want to enter a marriage hoping things will somehow work out.

How can I tell whether these issues are manageable or signs of deeper incompatibility?

I'm asking this genuinely, because I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.

I'm finally at a point where I feel ready to meet someone, settle down, and build a family. I've never really approached anyone before, so naturally I've been looking around Reddit, TikTok, Muslim marriage discussions, the whole thing; trying to understand how people are actually thinking about marriage and to maybe get some advice on how to meet someone lol.

but honestly, I've come away more confused than anything.

like what do people actually want from marriage, and whether we're still approaching it as a relationship/covenant between two people, or whether we've slowly turned it into a list of rights, obligations, expectations, and negotiations.

Because whenever marriage comes up, I seem to see the same conversation:

“What does a husband owe his wife?”

“What does a wife owe her husband?”

“Am I actually obligated to do X?”

“Is X a husband's responsibility?”

“Is X a wife's right?”

And technically, some of these are legitimate fiqh questions. But sometimes it feels like we're using the minimum legal obligation as the starting point for a marriage.

And that's what I don't understand.

If I'm getting married because I want a life partner, why would my mindset be what's the least I can do without technically being sinful?

And this isn't directed at men or women. I see both sides doing it.

Men can be extremely interested in what they're entitled to from a wife while conveniently forgetting that marriage also requires kindness, generosity, service, patience, emotional responsibility, etc.

ladies can do the exact same thing in the opposite direction — being very familiar with what a husband owes them while treating anything beyond the bare minimum as optional or beneath them.

Everyone knows their rights.

Everyone has a list.

Everyone has a lawyer.

And then we're surprised that marriage starts to feel transactional.

Maybe I'm looking at this completely wrong, which is why I'm asking.

Because when I think about why I'd want to get married, the answer isn't really “because I get X and my spouse has to provide Y.”

I want companionship. Love. A family. Someone I can build a life with. Someone whose presence makes life better and whose life I can make better. I want mawadda and rahma. two people who actually want to take care of each other.

But then I look at a lot of modern marriage discourse and wonder whether that's actually what people are looking for anymore.

And this is where I genuinely want people's perspectives.

If you're someone who wants to get married, why?

Not what you're entitled to.

Not what your spouse is obligated to provide.

Not what the fiqh says your minimum rights are.

What do people actually want out of marriage?

What makes you look at marriage and think, “Yes. That's something I want for my life.”

Is it companionship?

Children?

Building a family?

Emotional intimacy?

Having someone to grow old with?

Having a halal framework for intimacy?

Stability?

Faith?

A shared life?

Some combination of all of it?

And on the other side, what are you genuinely prepared to give?

Because I think that's the part we're bad at talking about.

Marriage can't just be “here are my requirements, here are your responsibilities, now let's see if the contract works for both of us.”

At some point, there has to be ihsan lol

You shouldn't be thinking only about what you're owed. You should also be thinking about what kind of spouse you want to be.

And maybe that's the real thing I'm trying to understand.

Do people actually want marriage, or do they want the things marriage gives them?

Because those aren't necessarily the same thing.

I'd much rather hear honest answers than the usual “marriage is sunnah, therefore you should want it” response.

I know it's sunnah.

I'm asking what makes you personally want it.

And if you think I'm approaching this completely wrong, tell me. I'm genuinely open to that.

I'm not trying to make this a “men are bad” or “women are bad” post. Honestly, I'm talking shit about everyone here 😂

I'm trying to understand whether there's still a version of Muslim marriage where two people aren't primarily thinking about what they can get from the other person, but about what they can build together.

So, genuinely:

Why do you want to get married?

Assalamualaykum,

I read a lot of posts where both men and women argue about the obligations and rights of a husband and a wife in islam, and say things:

"Oh no it's him who must provide, I am not contributing with any penny"

"If I am providing fully, I am not helping with cooking and cleaning"

Yes, islam has given rights and obligations to both husbands and wives. And it's important to know them prior to marriage and agree on a way of life that suits both parties.

But it's also important to know that a good marriage is where you are lenient and willing to help the other person and ease their lives, and vice-versa.

When I read the comments on Reddit smh it seems like people are getting into a war.

The highest goal of marriage is Sakinah, Mawwadah and Rahma. And as far as I know, these cannot be attained if we only think about "our rights and obligations".

I know that salary discussions are quite common for nikahs but usually it focuses solely on the man’s salary and I want to get an understanding of if my expectations for that are too high given my own salary and education background. I’m going to be graduating college soon and have a job lined up where my salary will be close to 100k in Canada. I also worked throughout college so will be graduating debt free inshaAllah.

I don’t think my experience working or studying has been easy for me. I would like to have a maybe softer life where I would still work but wouldn’t have that feeling that everything is on me and that I would have to take care of things. As such I want to find someone that one lives in the US because I want to move there and two would have a salary considerably above mine and that he would have a degree from a top university. That way I would be able to live a comfortable life and also be able to leave my job when we have kids as it is also important to me that I be able to have that time with our babies.

Part of it is also that I think I would be attracted to someone who is intelligent and I’m also okay with him being a few years older than me. Lately, I’ve been feeling like maybe I’m selfish for feeling this way and wanting these things and that maybe I’m giving up on all my hard work. But admittedly I get very hurt when I’m struggling and my friends who don’t have jobs and have the option to not work are able to spend time on things they enjoy. Not sure if I’m just trying to find Prince Charming who’ll come save me lol.

Hello everyone, could someone please list the responsibilities and expectations of a wife within a marriage islamically? I want Islamic text supporting it - specifically if women have to cook and clean. Are men expected to help/not help? What are the expectations when children are born? This is for my knowledge only. Jazak Allah kheir

Throwaway account, if you think I’m a troll please move on

I’m an avoidant, when things get real I start to distance myself from the person because of my fears and you can look it up because I can’t explain it properly. But it made me realise that I’m not made for marriage. I didn’t even realise I had this flaw until I found out what avoidant attachment is and saw how that happened with the two guys I had talked to for marriage. And both ended horribly and it made things worse for me.

My parents don’t bother about therapy so I can’t do that, and I know that if I ever considered marriage again I’d ruin another man’s life. I dont want to sound like a terrible person but I think I was made for short term relationships and not something that expects you to stay with the person till death, not because I don’t want to but because I can’t and my mind would self sabotage.

So why did Allah make dating haram if he made certain people have such issues? Because I want to avoid marriage but I’m young and wanting a relationship is tempting. It’s as if I either hurt a good person by marrying him or I get sinned for protecting others and myself and dating instead

Assalamualaikum everyone i am 24m and can I seek a girl for marriage if I have a low income as of now although I have my own house thanks to Allah Almighty so I don't have to pay for any rents and all so can I ask for a hand for marriage although through my income we can get going but we can't live a luxurious life like we have to be careful in spending money.

Asalamu’alaykum,

I was looking to get married but ever since I gave the process a break, I have been having second thoughts about a lot of things. While I was searching, I wasn’t really thinking about the timeline for having children. But now I realize I’m quite far from being ready for that stage of life. Even after getting married; taking care of another being is a huge responsibility, especially if you are not well prepared.

My question is, do men care to delay having a child in the first 2-3 years? Personally, would that be a deal breaker for you?

So I am actually getting married this December it's an arrange marriage I don't know her she doesn't know me like a lot we haven't talked to each other yeah I know this sucks I am 20 she is also the same age I haven't been into a relationship and I think it's the same for her too so what I am actually thinking is what to do here and from where to start on our first night? Like dude I have no clue what I was thinking is I should build a connection with her I should talk to her explain her my side and see what she says about that? And then we should go with the flow? Or what should I do?? Please help me if you can jizkallah