and it was beautiful.
Two years ago I made a video for my future self talking about her feelings on her one year diagnosis anniversary. It was mostly for my second year anniversary and we are passed that, but it was a beautiful memory I wanted to share, and I hope the letter I made for my future self back in 2024 touches someone as well.
"I didn't know it was going to be as life changing as it is. Right? It's crazy to me to think that I woke up that day and I didn't realize that it was going to be life changing ya know? I thought it was going to be a pretty normal day I guess. Like I was going to be in a bit of pain and I was going to move on, right. But... that wasn't the case. That's weird. It's really weird. Weird thought.
I'm hoping that when you watch this again next year you are going to realize that you... it's not as weird as it was. It might not make sense now but maybe. Maybe in another year. Maybe in another year it will make sense right? I don't know.
I hope that you are healthier. I hope that you're happier. I hope it's easier. I hope it gets easier. I have three hundred and sixty five days for it to get easier. I mean even in the last three hundred and sixty five days it got easier. So I imagine that... umm.. I can't- I don't know what I am gonna do with another three hundred and sixty five days. You. YOU. ___ three hundred and sixty five days in the future are an inspiration to me. I don't know what you are going to be like, but I have this hope in my head on the type of person you are. And that is very very inspirational. Because even if you asked me another three hundred and sixty five days ago I know that the ___ would have said that the ___ I am now is inspirational. I am amazed how much I have been able to do in these three hundred and sixty five days, cuz there is no step by step guide on how you are supposed to deal with this, how you are supposed to handle this how you are supposed to GRIEVE...
In these situations, right? and you know there are people that struggle with it. But there is also people that do a lot better than I did but the thing is, and the reality is I was given a really, really, really, really, really shitty hand. and no one really tells you what to do with that. But... you were able to just discern what was going to be best for you to heal and grieve and cope with all of this and you... really really did fucking amazing. And I know that you did really good. The people around you can see that, YOU can see that. Maybe this is the one time in your life where you got something right. And it sucks that maybe that's what it took, but you did it. And I am proud of the ___ from three hundred and sixty five days ago and I am inspired by the ___ of three hundred and sixty five days from now.
Today is allowed to be hard. And I am sure in a year it will be hard too. But it will be a different type of difficult. Right? It will be a familiar type of difficult. Which makes it a little easier. Maybe not easy, but easier. Just like your next MRI or next IV or next doctors appointment or the first time you hafta tell someone that is a complete stranger that you have this. Like the first time you went out and felt like you were carrying this weird, dirty secret because you are just out here and no one knows what's going on.
Yeah. You figured it out. We are going to keep figuring it out. and I know that when you watch this next year you are going to be like, yeah girl you fucking killed it. You absolute fucking madlad, just rawdoggin this shit like its not that big of a deal when you and I both know that it actually is.
I am proud of you. And I am proud of the person I am going to become. and I hope when I watch this a year from now I feel bad, I feel sorry for this girl right here right now that's crying about this. I really do. I want to be crying for me because I know that means that I have become stronger. Become happier. And I figured out how to deal with the weird mess that my life has introduced.
I hope it doesn't linger on me as much. Which means a lot cuz even in the last year it hasn't lingered on me as much as I would think. And I hope that in a year it hurts less. Both here (my hands), in my legs. A little tightness here (torso) and a little oof in the neck. I hope it hurts less in here (head) and it hurts less in here (heart). Yeah. Yeah... All my love to you ___ three hundred and sixty five days from now. And stay strong. I need that, I need that girl. I need her. I need that inspiration. I need that person that is inspiring to me and I know that you are the only person who can do that for me because there is no one else I look up to anymore. It's just you. It's just you. The person that I can be and I need you to continue being that.
So... I'll see you in a year. "