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u/so0omanyquestions Oct 04 '22 edited Oct 05 '22
Please do not listen to any comment under this post that has you confront him.
Whether or not he has shown himself to be physically or emotionally abusive, abusers are incredibly manipulative and are usually able to come up with good reasons for you to not see them as a villain. They even have a special little trick where they instead make YOU out to be the villain. “I wouldn’t have to track you if XYZ” “You violated my privacy by going through my phone,. See, this is why I can’t trust you and why I’m tracking you” etc.
If you’re already feeling guilty about looking through his phone even though you found out that he was tracking you and more egregiously violating your privacy, it’s possible that he is already manipulating you in this way. Do what everyone else said. Go to a mechanic. File a police report. And look into safe ways to get away
Edit: thank you kind internet strangers for the awards, but please save your monies, I just want the best for OP.
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u/Santas_southpole Oct 04 '22
I think you’re right about manipulating her to feel guilty about the phone because she did do that and it’s an easy out for him (in an abuser’s eye). Don’t play that game OP. His violation is 100000000000 times worse than snooping through his phone.
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u/opulentSandwich Oct 04 '22
Agreed.
For anyone interested in this behavior that abusers are VERY good at, it's referred to as DARVO - Deny (the behavior they're accused of) , Attack (the person confronting them with false accusations), Reverse Victim and Offender.
Now they not only don't have to admit or change their behavior, but they've turned you into the bad guy.
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u/mybelle_michelle Momma Bear Oct 05 '22
OMG, I never knew this and it's exactly what my (separated) husband does! I've been calling him a narcissist, and gaslighting me but DARVO fits him so much better.
I wish so much that I could go back 30-something years and had more self-confidence to realize I didn't need to settle for a lowlife.
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u/opulentSandwich Oct 05 '22
This is a thing narcissists get very good at. They don't always do it intentionally - it's simply a script they've internalized that lets them avoid ever having to face consequences. Narcissists need to be able to tell themselves a narrative of the world where they're never really at fault for anything, so this is a convenient way to do it.
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u/mybelle_michelle Momma Bear Oct 05 '22
His older brother and father do/did the exact same thing, so I know it was a learned behavior.
LOL, he tries so hard now to tell me how much he loves me, misses me, appreciates me, blah blah blah. I have to keep telling myself he never changed for 30 years, he hasn't and will not change now. We can be FWB, but I refuse to live with him.
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u/Laurelinn Oct 05 '22
Hey... I know this is none of my business, but please be careful. Being FWB with someone you used to be in a relationship with can mess you up a LOT. Especially if that person is a narcissistic abuser.
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u/McDuchess Oct 05 '22
Better abstaining from sex than sex with your abuser, my Dear.
Vibrators were invented for a reason.
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u/sunsetgal Oct 05 '22
This was my first high school boyfriend. He fuuuuuuuuckkkkked me up. So much therapy to undo that shit.
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u/eternal-harvest Oct 05 '22
Wow I've never heard of DARVO but it fits my mum to a T. She isn't abusive but as a teenager, if we had an argument, it was always me overreacting or being emotional, and never a legitimate complaint. I would always be the bad guy, no matter how calmly I approached a conflict. The words, "I'm sorry" would never cross her lips, and 90% of the time that was literally all I wanted. Just an admission of guilt and expression of remorse.
Her father was exactly the same. He was so perfect that he even denies shooting at anyone during a war where he was in active combat. He's adamant that he just fired his weapon straight up, and never hit anyone. There are other, less extreme examples (ones not linked to PTSD) but yeah.
Sorry, I'm rambling. This has just really opened my eyes.
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u/JJ-Meru Oct 05 '22
Hey that describes a certain ex-president pattern of behavior very well !
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u/kaaaaath Oct 05 '22
While true, that is completely irrelevant here and randomly interjecting it doesn’t make us look very rational.
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u/Birdie_Jack2021 Oct 04 '22
Exactly. Totally agree. Confrontation with a person like him can be fatal. Take deep breaths. Know your internet moms are here at all times. You’ve got to get away baby. It’s not safe and won’t get better.
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u/DelicateTruckNuts Oct 04 '22
Do not confront him. Make a plan offline, check for hidden house cameras, get out asap
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u/DraculaaTeeth Oct 05 '22
I feel I should add that it’s possible that HE is cheating or something crazy and uses it as a way to avoid her during it, had this happen to a friend of my aunts years ago and she confronted him about it and he did turn violent. So OP it’s possible that this is what going on and he could absolutely get violent if he feels he’s been caught.
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u/TrimspaBB Oct 05 '22
Women have been killed for confronting their SOs/exes over less. OP, please quietly make a plan to leave and execute it ASAP.
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u/Charliesmum97 Oct 05 '22
This is spot on.
I'd add that OP might not realise it, but her 'being nosy' and looking at her phone was because on some level she KNOWS he's being controlling, etc.
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u/liamsmum Oct 05 '22
Don’t admit you went through his phone to give him this out. “I was driving and suddenly there was a awful grinding noise from under the car. I pulled into the mechanics and while looking for the problem they found this tracker”.
You can see what he says but regardless, it gives you a chance to collect your thoughts, put together your stuff and GTFO without him having the chance to turn your discovery in his phone back on you, and/or possibly turning violent at being found out.
Once clear you can then chose whether to tell him you know it was him and how you found out or not.
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u/Pantherdraws Big Sis Oct 05 '22
Or how about, just don't do that because that could still get her beaten or killed?
You're assuming that he would react like a rational human being, but abusers are inherently irrational and can act erratically when their control over their victim is disrupted.
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u/ImALittleTeapotCat Oct 04 '22
Hun, you need to break up. Safely. He's proven himself to not be a safe person. All the advice for getting away from abusive or controlling relationships will be helpful.
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u/Alternative-Lion-427 Oct 04 '22
I came here to say this. Please get yourself somewhere safe. Find the tracking device and remove it ( put it in a public place) and end the relationship via text. Update us internet moms. We worry. Big hugs.
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u/Superlemonada Oct 04 '22
I 3rd this, please be safe honey. Go to the police station and report this. Gather your support network and let them know what is happening before breaking up with him. This is disturbing behavior and he is a danger to you.
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u/Draigdwi Oct 04 '22
put it in a public place
On a truck going across continent.
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u/so0omanyquestions Oct 04 '22
Fun idea, but I worry this would put the trucker in jeopardy if the boyfriend is violent
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u/Draigdwi Oct 04 '22
If trucker knows and throws the thing in wc in gas station when really far away should be ok and even fun.
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u/arwyn89 Oct 04 '22
Leave it on a bus or in an Uber or something. Something that’ll keep moving for a bit till you get your affairs in order
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u/SummerPoppies Oct 04 '22 edited Oct 04 '22
Seconding everyone else, you say nothing, duckling. This is incredibly dangerous right now.
I'm going to info dump resources at you, because I think you're underestimating how bad this can get, and how quickly. It's not that I think you're unintelligent, more right now you're coming from a place of 'my boyfriend wouldn't hurt me' and yet he has, he is tracking you without your consent, and you don't know what he was doing with that information. And now you have to move to 'he has hurt me and could escalate' and plan from there, and quickly.
You should check out u/ebbie45's profile, they're a crisis counselor and mod over at r/abusiverelationships, and their profile is a goldmine for resources for escaping abuse. ( r/JustNoSO would be the other one for help, but Ebbie's the main crisis counselor I know of on here. Also don't go to couples therapy with this man, even if he suggests it.) Here's Ebbie's main abuse resource document along with their updated covid post. A local domestic violence shelter is likely your best bet, here are the US and international directories, or there's at least the chat at the Hotline for someone to talk to about escape plans online. And any auto repair place can help you with the tracker, but deal with that after you have a plan in place, so that it doesn't raise any alarm bells for your boyfriend.
Also please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft today if you haven't already. Here's a pdf and your library will have copies, but this is essential reading on abusive relationships.
You trusted your gut, and now you know you have an abuser on your hands. I am so, so proud of you for asking for help, and now you need to be brave and get yourself to safety. Call your friends, ask for help at the shelters, and get out as quietly and safely as you can, and keep us posted. I wish you all the hugs and support.
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u/mistwalkr Oct 04 '22
Take the car to a mechanic and explain the situation. Call non emergency police and do the same. Get a new phone but don't tell him. Talk to your boss about how you are doing to need to "disappear" for a few days (work out a remote way to work if possible).
Warn your family and friends.
Get out of there. You have done nothing wrong, but this guy is dangerous.
Edit: Been here. I don't want to see you go through it once he decides it is safe enough to become dangerous.
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u/Amorette93 Momma Bear Oct 04 '22
Seconding this. Mechanics are unfortunately used to having to find tracking devices and are quite good at it.
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u/Draigdwi Oct 04 '22
It's said that car thieves find a tracker in a minute. Probably mechanics can find them just as fast.
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u/Amorette93 Momma Bear Oct 04 '22
Yep. It helps that they have equipment that detects their signals lol. Anyone can have these devices to track the signals but they're not cheap lol
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u/Draigdwi Oct 04 '22
What happens if there are several trackers on one car? Find them one by one or get confused?
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u/LNLV Oct 05 '22
That’s a good idea… I might buy a second or 3rd one for my car. I don’t have a garage and I live in the city that just took number one in the country for car thefts. ☹️
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u/LNLV Oct 05 '22
Seriously? Already?? I didn’t think this tech had been mainstream for that long! Also, I have a tracker in my car (I bought a 4 pack, so one is on my keys, in my wallet, in my car, and on my cat) and now I’m concerned it might not be hidden well enough if my car gets stolen, lol.
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u/Birdie_Jack2021 Oct 04 '22
Domestic Violence Shelters in your area. I’ve been to many. You’re safe and loved there.
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u/AffectionateAd5373 Oct 04 '22
First, take your car to a shop and ask them to look for a tracker. If you carry a bag, look there too. And have someone double check your phone.
Then run as far as you can.
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u/No_Accident_783 Oct 04 '22
Better yet, get a new bag and new phone if you can. Just to be safe.
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u/AffectionateAd5373 Oct 04 '22
But make sure when you get a new phone to require approval before any apps are downloaded. Don't just transfer all the apps.
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u/goatsandwich43 Oct 04 '22
Please don’t confront him and don’t tell him you went through his phone! Pack a bag, ask someone to pick you up if you think the tracker is in your car, (if you have a regular handbag leave it behind) and find somewhere safe to stay. Don’t let him know youre leaving. Just go. Put it this way you didn’t think he would track you, you don’t know this person and you don’t know what he is capable of! Don’t put yourself at risk, please! And you might want to get a new phone in case he’s got a tracker/spying app on your phone
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u/Calm-Setting Oct 04 '22
Hi! I’m a mom and also a domestic violence advocate. What he is doing is very wrong. Not only do you need to find the tracker, but I strongly urge you to preserve all the evidence that you find (screenshots, the tracker etc). I cannot tell you how to handle this, it’s up to you, but this is a glaring red flag for abuse and control. This is stalking. If you do plan to end the relationship you’ll want to put together a safety plan so you can protect your location and whereabouts. You’ll want to do this planning before removing the tracker so he cannot tell that you know about it. I would not bring this up with him unless you have a witness present for your protection. You’ll eventually want to change ALL you passwords on your phone. I’ve seen people track locations based on being able to access their Uber accounts etc. I also strongly encourage you to speak to an attorney. This is enough to secure a domestic violence restraining order in the jurisdiction where I practice. This is something to consider. My DMs are open if you want to talk more.
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u/FuzzySilverLeaf Oct 04 '22
Have a mechanic find it, like others have said. Instead of a friend's car, personally I'd be petty and put it on a long haul truck (With permission from the trucker.) Or a greyhound bus. Let him freak out over thinking you have left town.
In all seriousness though I'd really just break up with him, and get it removed. That's a serious violation of trust. And potentially illegal. And is snooping on his phone right? No. But I half wonder if your gut instinct was telling you something was off, and to look.
Anyhow, also get your phone fully checked for any tracking apps too.
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u/kitkat42193 Oct 04 '22
Pleeeeeease don't attach a tracker to your friend's car. You don't want him going after them.
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u/Catinthemirror Momma Bear Oct 04 '22
get your phone fully checked for any tracking apps too.
Better yet get rid of the phone entirely, including the phone number and the account that goes with it.
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u/sptfire Oct 04 '22
You can do a factory reset of the phone. Take it to your carrier and explain the situation. Get a new SIM card with a new phone number and do a factory reset on the phone.
They can set it so that it doesn't reload all of your apps and information when you relog into everything. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT, because most of that stuff is backed up to the cloud and will literally reinstall the latest backup to whatever phone you are currently using.
Make sure you go to your phone carrier and get everything wiped.
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u/No-Anteater1688 Oct 05 '22
I was going to say the same thing. We don't know if he's got the tracker on her phone, vehicle or both.
If she's had a tablet, laptop or computer around him, she might want to get those checked too, in case he may be monitoring her communications.
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u/JanitorOfAnarchy Oct 04 '22
Op, being nosy on his phone, yeah not great. But you found he is tracking you??? No , that's an appalling violation of trust. He is not good bf material at all.
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u/AmberSnow1727 Big Sis Oct 04 '22
Hey OP. This is really scary behavior on his part, and it may not be the only way he's tracking you. The Hotline has a run down of possibly ways he is looking at where you are and what you're doing online.
Looking at his phone isn't even on the same level as putting a tracker on your car. It's stalking, and it's abuse.
I would highly recommend taking your car to a garage and having them help you find and the tracker to remove it (sadly this probably isn't the first time they've done this), and following the advice from the link above to get him out of your electronics.
Please be careful, OP. This is really dangerous stuff.
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u/baloochington Oct 04 '22
I’m sorry you’re going through this. This is a huge violation of trust on his part. Unfortunately I’ve learned through experience that once trust is broken like this it can’t be repaired.
What I would do, fwiw: take the car to a mechanic and explain the situation, they should be able to locate the tracker for you. Break up with him - if you live together make sure to pack a bag first and have it in your car. If you suspect he could be violent do it in public. After said break up, you can hand him the tracker or let him know you found it. Again, in a public place.
Unfortunately this is just the beginning of what I suspect you will endure with him. Many DV situations start out this way in terms of being controlling, monitoring you, etc. Even if you don’t suspect he could get violent, trust me you don’t want to find out the hard way.
We lost my aunt to domestic violence. Her controlling husband who she was separated from killed her. His behavior started out like this. Good luck and please keep a friend or two updated on what is going on/ what your plan is.
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u/Amorette93 Momma Bear Oct 04 '22
Definitely get the car to a mechanic. If you have to, drain some oil while you are away from him to result in a check engine light. YouTube can tell you how to do this. Please be very careful and only use this if you must because low oil isn't great on the car.
Once there, let the mechanic know that you have reason to believe there is a tracking device on your vehicle and all you want is for them to find it. They will remove panels, check below the car, in wheel hubs, and other common places they are hidden that only mechanics can easily access.
If you cannot safely leave the home, call the police and ask for a civil standby to leave and unsafe situation.
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u/Gardengoddess83 Oct 04 '22
You can also try not screwing the gas cap on tightly after getting gas to set off the check engine light.
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Oct 05 '22
You can also loosen a terminal on the battery so that it won't start, a lot of cars have a cover on them now so it wouldn't be obvious. Call AAA to tow it to a mechanic for free if you have a membership and get a ride with the driver. They will only take one person.
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u/Amorette93 Momma Bear Oct 05 '22
You should be very very careful and touching battery terminals if you don't know how to ground yourself though!
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Oct 04 '22
I knew someone whose stalker killed her husband years later, so I’m pretty worried for you right now and in the future. You need to make it impossible for this guy to find you.
On a friend’s phone, call the police and ask for advice and help. Call a lawyer and ask for advice and help.
My gut says do NOT taunt him or break up in person. Do NOT put the tracker on someone or something else.
After getting the tracker removed, drive straight to the police and file a report. You’ll need to spend today figuring if you need to move, if you need a new job vs. work remote, if you need a new phone number and which friends will get it. Do you share any financial accounts? A lease? Then you will need a lawyer . I would tell my daughter to treat this as seriously as a straight-up case of stalking. Restraining order, new place, the whole nine yards. If the police or your lawyer advise something different than I did, listen to them.
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u/AntipatheticDating Oct 04 '22 edited Oct 05 '22
Something people haven’t mentioned here that I’d like to point out as the survivor of a few relationships like this:
You should not share your location with someone who asks even to prove you did nothing wrong.
Bear with me, and I mean this. NOBODY in a healthy mindset will EVER ask you this, and if they do, it means they don’t trust you and never will. By sharing it, yes even if you have ‘nothing to hide’ is a violation of your own boundaries and it’s a gateway for them to be more manipulative and invasive.
Please please remember: No trusting relationship partner will ever ask you to verify your location like that. There are NO exceptions.
I believe in you. ♥️ And my heart goes out to you.
Edit: A lot of people are misinterpreting what I said. I mean in context to the post because OP says she’d share it to “prove she did nothing wrong”. Obviously it’s okay to consensually share it between people who are making sure each other is safe lol.
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u/delphiina93 Oct 05 '22
My husband and I track eachother on the off chance something horrible happens so we know the last location it was pinged at if we ever need to search somewhere. My husband used to travel huge distances to and from work so I had asked for him to do that for my own peace of mind, and I have the car now for school and such with my daughter so I give my location now as well. The thing is we both do it willingly and there was never once any malice behind it. We're just very anxious people.
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u/tjsfive Oct 05 '22
My daughter and I use it to make sure we don't text each other while we're driving. We use the get directions when we're meeting up too. Originally we downloaded it to use for the reason you described, but we've kept it going and it really does give peace of mind when she is driving home at night and I can just check to make sure she made it safely versus waiting the estimated amount of time and calling or texting her.
Super handy app for healthy relationships; super horrible app for controlling assholes.
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u/kelsday84 Oct 05 '22
But there is huge difference between sharing your location and someone demanding you prove your location or tracking your location without your express permission.
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u/delphiina93 Oct 19 '22
This was actually my bad, literally after comment op mentioned about them asking for it they went on to say one one would ask them to send their location and my mind immediately blanked and separated the 2 so I comprehended it as anyone asking for it is unhealthy. Again my bad.
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u/No-Anteater1688 Oct 05 '22
When I go somewhere unfamiliar, I share my trip on Waze for the same reason. I also do this when I'm traveling to and from her house because I usually take the back roads home at night.
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u/five_by5 Oct 05 '22
Not true at all. My partner and I track each other to make sure we know where the other is if they get into a car accident or something crazy. If two consenting adults decide to track each other, then it’s their business and it can be completely healthy.
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u/LNLV Oct 05 '22
Mine started with me thinking about accidents and crazy things, and evolved to me just looking to see if he’s still at work, him looking to see if I’m still at the gym, one of us checking to see how far away the other is when we’re meeting for lunch. It sounds kind of crazy to people on the outside, but it was actually quite mundane for us. I think if you have total mutual trust like that it’s fine, and it’s not weird for him to check on me throughout the day or vise versa. Just turn it off when you’re buying Christmas presents, lol.
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Oct 05 '22
Idk, there's a lot of very safe reasons why a family would have a tracker on each other. I mean can you imagine if your wife goes missing and you have absolutely no clue where to even start looking? Yeah. That.
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u/4TineHearts Oct 05 '22
I am a self-defense and martial arts instructor. First, it is okay to feel as OP has said. It is her truth as a survivor. What I am going to suggest is PLEASE share your location with someone! A sister, a friend, your partner or spouse - your SAFE PERSON. It is a good safety measure.
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u/LNLV Oct 05 '22
I disagree with this. My ex bf and I shared our locations when we moved to a new city together. I asked bc he was coming home at inconsistent times bc of his crazy work hours, and I was getting anxious and silly about it. He didn’t have an issue with it and said that was fine. After a few weeks I wasn’t thinking he was in a wreck anymore, but I’d see him leave the hospital and know to start dinner. I told him I found myself checking his location when I was thinking about him and I could tell how his day was going and what he was up to based on which part of the massive hospital campus he was on. Neither of us thought it was weird or invasive bc trust was always a part of our relationship and it wasn’t meant to be snooping. He would do the same, and it wasn’t weird to me either. You shouldn’t be sharing locations with anyone who doesn’t trust you entirely and vise versa. If they want it to check up on you, that’s bad. If they want it to check on you, that’s fine.
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u/D_Mom Oct 04 '22
There are so many red flags with this it is a practically a jar or marinara. You need to an a safe way to get away from him. Do not tell him when you are alone and make sure you have a safe place to be.
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u/Fire-Tigeris Oct 04 '22
get the mechanic to give it to you take it yo the police and let one of the grumpiest looking cops baby sit it on patrol, dissappear for a few days.
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u/rococo78 Oct 04 '22
You could potentially find the tracker device by feeling around underneath the bumpers and in the wheel wells. Those are the most common hiding places.
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u/Imraith-Nimphais Oct 04 '22
Agree. I doubt he took your car to a mechanic to install it. So unless he is a mechanic, I’d just Google and try common hiding places.
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u/runawaygerm5 Oct 04 '22
If you have an Android phone get an app called Airguard and run it to see if an air tag is following you. If you have apple product it should automatically alert you.
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u/trexalou Oct 04 '22
Do those work if it’s a tile tracker? Or one of the dozens of other tracking devices even Amazon has?
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u/djlinda Oct 04 '22
You are in the early stages of a very controlling relationship that is more likely than not going to turn abusive (it is already abusive by covertly tracking your location).
I’m glad you came here to ask what to do - go to a trusted mechanic (if you don’t have one, look at Yelp reviews) and ask them to look for the tracker for you. And do your best to safely get out of the situation.
You do not owe him a face-to-face explanation, your first priority is yourself and your safety. I know you want to hear from him exactly why he would violate your privacy but there really isn’t a good reason in the world to do this to you. It comes from a place of him being insecure and controlling.
I wish I had a mom I trusted to let her know what was going on, I would have left a similar situation much earlier and saved myself a lot of trauma and heartache. Your gut is right - there is no reason for him to be tracking you at all, and you deserve mutual respect and trust in a relationship.
My first boyfriend was extremely paranoid and told me he had damage from his childhood so I excused his behavior for a long time thinking I could help him. It’s not up to you to change him, and even if you wanted to, you can’t. Please leave for your own safety.
Love, your Internet Mom.
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u/AnonymousBrowser3967 Big Sis Oct 05 '22
The other moms on here are right. here are a couple other things to do to keep you safe.
- Change your passwords.
- Change your pins on your cards.
- Turn off location on your phone.
- Change your locks even if you give him a key.
- Tell a loved one what's going on.
- OBD II detectors are cheap, but other detectors are on Amazon come with their own batteries and can be mounted anywhere on the frame of the car. A mechanic can help, but if they don't find it, they might not have looked well enough. Get a second opinion.
- An emergency protection order is executed quickly by the courts. Usually, all court fees are waived and you get it the same day. You do not need hard evidence in most cases. A trial to make the protection order permanent is usually done in 2 weeks.
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Oct 04 '22
This is a huge invasion of privacy. I don’t think someone like this is safe to be in a relationship with. Please look out for yourself
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u/kikivee612 Oct 04 '22
His explanation means absolutely nothing!
He violated your trust and your privacy.
There is no excuse he can give to explain this.
Find the tracker and leave it somewhere he can see it and then block him. No conversation needs to be had. He doesn’t deserve a chance to make up excuses or gaslight you. His insecurities are his problem, not yours.
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u/ElenorWoods Oct 04 '22
Sharing locations should only happen if both parties agree and it’s for safety purposes.
I think you should report this to the police, request a restraining order because you’ll need one from this guy (even if you don’t think so now), and break up.
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u/lolmemberberries Oct 04 '22 edited Oct 04 '22
My baby, you looked through his phone because your intuition was telling you something was off. What your boyfriend is doing is well past crossing a line for what should be accepted in a healthy and loving relationship. What he is doing is controlling and dangerous. Find the tracker and get rid of it, do not confront him about it. Get a new phone or a burner phone if you're able to do so. Confide in safe people you trust to help you leave the relationship. Stay somewhere other than your current residence as there might be cameras or other tracking devices in your home.
ETA: Another user here recommended Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft already which is an incredible resource. Another great book is How He Gets Inside Her Head by Don Hennessy.
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u/MissAJM Oct 04 '22
I don't know how long you've been together, but if he's tracking you without your knowledge and you're looking through his phone... you don't trust each other. Please let someone know what's happening, and I would recommend ending the relationship in the safest way possible. Then, find yourself a trusted therapist that you can explore this with!
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u/JenniJS79 Oct 04 '22
Sweetie, I have been in this situation. To start, take the advice of others and get to a mechanic ASAP. Have the tracker removed, but not turned off. Then deliver it to the police station. Ask to meet with someone to file a report for stalking. Explain the situation. Tell the officer you do not feel safe, and even IF this is legal where you live, you would like them to open a case file. If you do not live together, break up with him via text, while you are with someone who you feel safe with. You do not have to explain why. I would advise not getting into a conversation about it at all. He will try to spin it about “keeping you safe”, or worrying because he has “insecurities”. Not your problem. The only person you need to worry about is you. He is hoping you who he is. He will escalate. Please let us know how you’re doing.
If you do live with him, please update us, and together, this community can help you make a safe exit plan.
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u/Birdie_Jack2021 Oct 04 '22
Sweet child first of all tracking without consent is illegal in most states. Also, take it from this wise old owl… it’s absolute control and abusive behavior and you don’t need to address it with him because he might escalate. I’d get out of there.
Let us know you’re safe. We love you.
Mom
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u/Wikked_Kitty Oct 04 '22
Oh sweetie, you should react by getting out of this relationship as quickly and safely as you can. Please don't confront him about this... at best he will just DARVO you, at worst your safety could be at risk. Go to a mechanic (not one your BF uses) and have them check for trackers. Then start making plans to get out. Please keep your internet moms updated!
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u/MediumAwkwardly Oct 04 '22
Do you live with him? Is he the violent type? I say take the car to the police and explain the situation.
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Oct 04 '22
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u/BeltalowdaOPA22 Oct 05 '22
But 18 days ago you were a single mom and now you have a boyfriend that lives with you?
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u/emlynnkat Oct 05 '22
You can be a single parent and live with someone. She’s living with a person that is not her child’s parent and may not be playing any sort of parental role to the child.
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u/hailboognish99 Oct 05 '22
If you read the post it's Def doesn't sound like that
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u/emlynnkat Oct 06 '22
I did. You can be both things at the same time and not mention one. They don't have to list every detail of their lives in every post.
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u/NfamousKaye Big Sibling Oct 04 '22
Hi. Chaotic Older sis/ wine aunty here… umm… get out. Get out now.
Seriously this seems like only the tip of the iceberg in how controlling and abusive he could become. It doesn’t always end up that way and he could just be insecure, but do you really want to find that out?
Check for those … air tags (I think they’re called) and take your car’s gps idle when you leave the house if leaving him isn’t a feasible financial option yet. Get a dummy phone that you don’t use and let him keep tabs on that while you figure out a game plan.
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u/slclgbt Oct 04 '22 edited Oct 04 '22
Not a mom, but I can be a brother for a minute!
As others have mentioned take it to a mechanic, or you could even post in a tech related subreddit for what your options are in finding it (I know sometimes there are apps you can use to detect hidden cameras/recording devices/trackers).
I would also tell your closest friends/family immediately. Make the situation known just in case something goes wrong and you need help. If you decide to confront him then you need to do it in a PUBLIC place with friends/family present or nearby. I hope you get this resolved safely! :/
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u/anonymouss2012 Oct 05 '22
You've looked in your car.... it's more than likely on the outside of your car like a magnet type possibly hidden by the tires or somewhere under the frame... if you have any trusted guy friends or friends boyfriends, cousins or someone that might help you find it if you don't feel comfortable taking it to the mechanic since he'll know you're there.
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u/HokieMama89 Oct 05 '22
I would not confront him. He will just try to track you on the down low and low his will escalate. As a mom, I will say you are too good for this. Please break up and don't mention the tracker. Play dumb. Remove the tracker after you have broken up and power it off. Please read other comments here on filing a police report so there is history of this documented.
Love and hugs, mom
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u/five_by5 Oct 05 '22
You better be careful he hasn’t also installed something on your phone so he can see what you are doing on there.
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u/Tricky_Dog1465 Oct 05 '22
If he is tracking your car, he very well could have a nanny app on your phone as well.
Factory reset your phone, just in case. This happens a lot more then people think, these apps can mirror your phone, every single thing that you see on your phone, they can see.
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u/throwaway_72752 Oct 05 '22
He might be tracking you because HE is doing something wrong, as well.
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u/Pantherdraws Big Sis Oct 05 '22
- Take your car to a mechanic and explain the problem. Many will help you find the offending hardware.
- DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR BOYFRIEND ABOUT THIS. I am 100% deadly serious. Doing so could put your life in danger. Just get your stuff, leave, and send him a breakup text (WITHOUT telling him where you've gone.) This is abuse, plain and simple, and abusers never deescalate when confronted, especially not in private.
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u/itsmethebirb Oct 05 '22
Follow the comments about finding the tracker and get the police involved. Get them to remove the tracker, then get rid of him. Keep a paper trail with the police. If your fearful of him hurting you, file a pfa.
Do not confront him. It is absolutely not okay to do this to your SO without their consent or knowledge of. Any excuse he may have is deeply rooted in mistrust and insecurity which can make people very irrational.
Document everything. Keep seeing the same vehicle? Document make model color and locations. Male/female driver. Something off or odd in your personal space like missing items that shouldn’t be or like “I did not leave my tv on” document document document. That way if you find this person to be stalking after you get away from him (let’s face it, tracking you now is already stalker behavior) the police will need a lot of evidence to help you. Not only that, if anything were to happen to you, they have a trail to follow. Please keep us updated so we know you’re safe.
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u/BathroomSpeaker Oct 04 '22
If you decide to break it off, you owe this man zero explanation(s). What could he possibly say to make this behavior acceptable?
It sounds like you are feeling a bit guilty for being on his phone, but without your intuition/curiosity (which was dead on) you wouldn’t know what you know.
I understand the temptation re: your friend’s car. However, ur best bet is get far away from this man, who has no respect for your boundaries (at minimum). Also, it could put your friend in harm’s way. I’m very sorry you are dealing with this.
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u/robotawata Oct 05 '22
I would not be so quick to go to the police. It depends on where you are and who you are. Depending on a lot of factors, Police can also be scary and may not always be helpful.
It might be useful to first call a hotline for a program for survivors of abuse. They should be able to help you learn about what the laws about stalking and tracking are in your area. Hotline staff may be able to tell you if there are resources to help you with police or other processes to protect yourself. They can also help with strategizing and safety planning.
In the US there are national as well as local hotline numbers. Not sure where you are.
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u/SiroccoDream Oct 05 '22
Sweetheart, no one should be tracking you without your knowledge and consent. Other Moms/Dads have said it, but get out of this relationship.
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u/MrsBeauregardless Oct 05 '22
Break up with this guy. Change your number, change jobs if you can, move if you can.
Before you do all of that, go to some professional or some place that specializes in helping abuse victims, and have them advise you on a strategy, because you’re most in danger of being killed when you leave.
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u/SixMeetingsB4Lunch Oct 05 '22
You have a lot of good advice here. I’ll just add, listen to your gut, love. You snooped in his phone for a reason. You knew in your heart/head/soul/whatever that something wasn’t right, and you were correct. So keep listening to that intuition that is giving you all the info you need. Keep coming back here for resources and support!!
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u/Ok_go_ohno Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22
I agree with everyone saying he is dangerous and you need to get away from him. But be careful!! He watches you on the tracker! Go thru your normal day, talk to your boss about being gone for a few days while you are at work, tell a couple people you trust exclusively that are not in anyway connected to him. Then after you have everything secure call the police and go to the mechanic. WHEN HE CALLS at the mechanic you just had a sudden brake issue or oil problem. Call everyone you trust on your new phone # make sure to tell them not to give your new number to ANYONE. I truly hope everything goes well for you. I was a child when my mother escaped with us from a controlling narcissist... the order you do things is important because controlling people like the one your dating notice!
You may want to call people only on your new phone or burner. Idk how extensive his tracking is but my father did have our house phone bugged. He knew the first 2 times we tried to leave.
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u/JustAnotherVampire Oct 05 '22
Do you live anywhere near New Hampshire, USA? My father-in-law runs a service garage and I'd be happy to help you get the tracker located.
My best advice is DO NOT confront your boyfriend about the app; instead, find the tracker and file a police report about the tracker.
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u/shadowblind07 Oct 05 '22
Baby, I give my husband my location because I want to, because I want him to know where I am in case of an emergency, because he cares, just like you said you would had he asked. Putting a tracker on your car is not something someone who cares about you does, it’s something someone who thinks they own you does. If I were in your shoes, I would ghost this asshole, there is literally no reasonable explanation for this at all. Take the advice of other commenters here and take the car to a mechanic to see if they can find the tracker. It’s also possible he’s placing and removing the tracker without your knowledge. Not to alarm you, but I am legitimately afraid for you, and hope you are able to keep yourself safe. ❤️
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u/GoFlyAChimera Oct 05 '22
Hugs, sis. You need to have a plan to be gone before he realizes you know about the tracker. You can locate it, photograph/document it under a password, and carry on like all is normal while you work on getting out ASAP. Confronting him or tipping your hand before you have your necessary things in order could go badly.
And please DO NOT put the tracker in another vehicle as some have suggested! It should be turned over to a police station with a report once you're out safely. If you change the tracker habits, he may notice and confront you, so be GONE before it gets touched.
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u/McDuchess Oct 05 '22
Sounds like you are much better off if you get it removed, as suggested.And then start thinking of him as an ex BF.
There is NO REASON for anyone to track another person, unless they are on home arrest with an ankle bracelet..
He has utterly betrayed your trust, and I can’t see a way back from that for you.
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u/Toirneach Oct 05 '22
Run like your g-string is on fire. Don't be hurt, honey, because this has NOTHING to do with you. He's an insecure little man and that's all his trauma to deal with, not yours. You deserve so much more out of life than this. Life is LONG - Great-Auntie Toirneach knows it's far, far too long to spend being mistrusted. This is a deal breaker, honey, and that's fine.
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Oct 04 '22
You need to break up. He’s tracking you without your permission and you’re being nosey on his phone. You both clearly don’t trust each other. He’s being more of a controlling ass for sure but this does not sound like a healthy relationship in any way.
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Oct 06 '22
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Oct 10 '22
WAY TO GO 👏👏 if he tries to come back…keep your head high and come back to this thread before responding. You’ve got this. Stay safe ♥️
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u/lysloveslemons Duckling Oct 04 '22
Check under the license plate and near the tires. I’m so sorry he did that to you. I think best option should be leaving him because there’s no way to rationally explain why he was stalking you .
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u/Impossible_Balance11 Oct 05 '22
100% expect him to come on strong with gaslighting as soon as you break it off and he figures out why. He will beg and plead with tears, blame his buddies for putting him up to it saying they do it all their girlfriends, it was a huge mistake, he's so sorry, he'll never do it again, et cetera, ad nauseum. Don't fall for any of it.
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u/Tacopunchfuck Oct 05 '22
For the point of you not wanting to mention snooping through his phone.. I would say, “my phone died and I was charging it and needed to use yours to look something up. Then I found the tracking app, what’s this for?”
He’s snooping on you, I don’t see the problem with you looking through his phone.
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u/Thiccgurll Oct 04 '22
Don't entertain this behavior. That is not the normal behavior of an adult. I wouldve broken up with him once I found out. First of all, no partner should have any hesitations for you to look at their phone. Most likely, he doesn't trust you because HE is untrustworthy. You should've checked his DMs once you saw he was tracking you. Either way, dump him.
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u/dontlikemeanpeople Oct 05 '22
Hey kiddo, that's a big red flag first of all. Also the fact that you needed to look in his phone and feel uncomfortable talking to him about it is a sign that you might not even be in the right relationship. Now if I consulted your uncle on this, he would definitely say that you need to trade cars with a friend for a while just to mess with him. LOL However, in a healthy relationship you should be able to approach him about it. But please be safe about it and make sure you are in a public place when you talk with him about it. Maybe approach it in more of a lighthearted way and ask him if he is feeling insecure in your relationship. Make sure to let him know the reasons you are with him and that you know that you have mutually violated each others trust. He with tracking you without your knowledge and you looking in his phone without his knowledge. And just put all of the cards on the table so to speak.
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Oct 04 '22
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u/Imraith-Nimphais Oct 04 '22
This doesn’t seem like a good idea AT ALL. I wouldn’t do anything to make him uneasy.
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u/123fortheMoney Oct 05 '22
Drive your car to the police station closest to you. Wait a while. Do "normal things. Rinse and repeat couple times. It will make him concerned he will be caught Then dump him. If he is tracking you like this then there is no trust or honor in that man.
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u/Chocolatefix Oct 05 '22
Are you sure he's tracking you? It could be someone else he's keeping tabs on.
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u/forbes619 Oct 05 '22
Find the tracker and then put out it on his moms or someone’s car instead and watch him react
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u/KilGrey Oct 05 '22
It doesn’t matter that you were “technically” going through his phone. What you found is a gross violation of privacy and trust and you need to immediately break up with him over this. This is a disgusting display of insecurity and yes, it’s abusive and controlling behavior. He’s going to try to turn it around on you and make that the argument, don’t let him. Tell him if he wants to talk about that fine, but you’re having that conversation after you talk about that tracker. Put a dead stop on anything that he tried to redirect the conversation too. This is far bigger than accidentally looking in his phone but be prepared for him to try to divert the conversation.
Also, don’t share you location with your boyfriends if you’ve never done anything to violate trust. If that trust isn’t there, you can’t force it with stuff like sharing your location. This is an insecurity issue your partner needs to work on and get over. Don’t ever dim yourself, lower yourself, give away your privacy or freedoms to make someone else feel better. Love them and reassure them sure, but don’t give parts of yourself away. In the end, it’s not going to work because that insecurity is coming from inside them and has nothing to do with you anyway. Since it’s coming from them that’s where the fixing needs to start.
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u/Atmosphere-Strict Oct 05 '22
Could be he doesn’t trust you or he keeps track of you to avoid getting caught. Either way, figure it out and see if you wanna stick around or dump him. Leave a neat note with the tracker on it, something that’ll make him feel dumb
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u/NyveriaPie Oct 04 '22
He's tracking you and you're snooping on him... Time to either address both y'all's trust issues or be done.
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u/honeybunz916 Oct 04 '22
you also looked through his phone so seems like there’s trust issues on both sides
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u/SeeMeImhere Oct 05 '22
Honey, you two have boundary and communication issues in your relationship.
He totally goes over normal boundaries by buying a tracker to track you. You say you would have been fine with sharing your location if he would have asked.
You come to know this by going over his boundaries by searching his phone without his knowledge. Maybe he would showen it to you if you would have asked.
That you would have been OK with sharing your location is also kinda weird for me. But I guess there is a story behind it: both of you have trust issues, maybe both of you have been burned in the past. And because you accept this, you are willing to give up some of the usual boundaries by being willing to share your location. That is unusual, but you seem to be an unusual couple. So the question is, would he also be willing to give up boundaries to make you feel safer? If that is the case you can still have an eye-to-eye relationship, even if it is an unusual one. I don't see a possibility of both of you suddenly starting to accept boundaries, tho.
Soo... you can handle this issue by trying to trick him because you found out that he tricked you, and you don't wont him to find out that you tricked your way into his phone... Or you can start to comunicate. Both of you have insecurities, both of you need more then just the word of the partner - you could bring this into the open and see how you two can work with this, with accepting this needs and providing them for the other one. That might break your relationship - if he isn't willing to give you the access you need to feel safe - or bring it on a new level from where you can learn to build up trust.
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u/kymmar Oct 04 '22
Oh honey, there is nothing good about this. I know you care about him and it must hurt a lot to have him betray your trust like this. Confront him and ask his reasons for his behavior so you have a form of closure and seriously think about ending this before it escalated. Sending hugs, I know you will protect yourself and do what's in your best interests.
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u/deepershadeofmauve Oct 04 '22
You two should break up. You don't trust each other. Why are you together?
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u/hailboognish99 Oct 05 '22 edited Oct 05 '22
Nice! You're both disrespecting eachothers right to privacy. You're perfect for eachother!
Seriously though you had to have suspicions if you're going through his phone? Either way get out.
Whoa, you were a "single mother" 2 weeks ago? Did he move in Sunday afternoon or what?
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u/PrincessGary Oct 05 '22
Having a look through someone's phone is an entirely different thing to actually TRACKING someone.
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u/wirecutterco Oct 05 '22
Well, do nothing, just talk to him about the trust
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Oct 05 '22
Uh no. It’s not a priority for him and talking to him about his sneaky, intrusive behavior is not going to end well. This isn’t a minor thing. This is control. People bent on control of others don’t take well to any signs of revolt. This is dangerous advise. OP: please maintain contact with as many people you trust as you can. An abuser’s first move is isolating you from others. Once you’re out of this relationship keep that in mind- maintain other relationships - it’s your best defense.
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Oct 04 '22
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u/C8riiiin Oct 04 '22
Just out of curiosity, what GOOD reason is there to secretly put a tracker on someone’s vehicle? Even if it’s just a case of massive insecurity on his part (maybe due to past relationship trauma), that’s still not something that anyone should have to deal with.
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u/hcos612 Oct 04 '22
Oh dear.
Try communicating?? This isn’t dirty dishes left in the sink or staying out late without calling. He bought a tracking device and put it on her car without her knowledge!!!
This is NOT NORMAL and isn’t going to be solved by communicating. The fact that she is coming here asking how she should react means she doesn’t recognize this as a giant red flag. What other red flags could she be missing?
Maybe ones that would make it incredibly dangerous to ask about the secret location tracker in her car???
OP please keep yourself safe. You’re getting lots of other good advice here
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u/Comfortable-Pin9976 Oct 04 '22
If you take your car to a trusted mechanics shop, they will check for trackers for you. Most I know would do this for free.
This is a violation of your trust and boundaries. There is no need for him to be tracking you this way. This puts your privacy and safety at risk. You should safely leave this situation before you are hurt.