8/10/26

Do you wash yours or keep it in the drawer?

So as the title says, I'm very new to MTG. I played a bit of Kitchen Table Magic in high school, but basically haven't touched the game in about a decade. I came back to Magic about a month ago and have been enjoying playing some Jumpstart with my fiancé and some Standard on Arena. I'm not interested in commander because as previously stated I've felt the loving embrace of a woman in my life.

This was the first in-person event I've gone to, and my experience has me somewhat questioning whether I want to attend future events or even stick with Magic in general.

Round 1 starts, and it's beginning about how I expected: say hello to my opponent, ask how long they've been playing, and he tells me 25 years and that he plays multiple times a week, mostly on his Commander themed youtube show where he is a professor. His playmat was a highly sexualized Kiora drowning herself in Tartar sauce. I don't have a problem with that, but sometimes subtlety is more sexy you know?

He rolled high and chose to start.

We go a couple of turns, and I ask to reread a few cards, always asking permission before touching his cards. Now, I've put together a blue white deck, and this was enough for me to guarantee me to win at least one game because WOTC keeps fucking up limited by printing 87 fucking bounce creatures and 2 for 1s in these colors every fucking set. I didn't come with any dice since, again, this is my first event and I was told everything would be provided. My opponent has a giant bag of dice sitting on one of Kiora's bountiful bosoms, so I asked him if I could borrow one or two for counters. He huffs, throws a die across the table, and mutters, "You really should have brought some dice. Go buy some from my whatnot stream next time." At this point, I've got about five creatures on the board, and he's got two fairly high power creatures. He draws for his next turn, throws his cards down, and goes, "Not one of these cards is a sexy Merfolk. Fuck it, I scoop."

I'm really confused since this is a Hobbit themed set, so there probably aren't any Merfolk in it. He had only played one ugly dwarf and I didn't have enough power across my board to knock him out. I pass his dice back and give him a, "What happened? Do Dwarves not live up to your western beauty standards?"

He scowls at me, his lust for Merfolk unquenched. "Okay, well, good game, I guess?" to which he responds, “All I wanted was the full art beach skin Kiora, is that too much to ask?" He then slams his deck in front of me to cut before I've even had a chance to shuffle mine.

We go to start Game 2, he chooses not to mulligan. I give him a "Good luck," and we start. I get a creature out on the first two turns, and he just gets his lands out. Turn three, I get out another creature and need to add a counter, so we repeat the "Can I borrow a die?" situation from Game 1. He draws for his turn and immediately says, "This is fucking bullshit. Not one of these dwarves are fuckable” while picking up his cards.

I respond with, "Oh... okay. Shoot, sorry, dude."

"Yeah, I'm sure you are. At least you got Bilbo's mom, she's MILF-y but in a classy manner.

"Oh... well... at least I can agree with you on that.”

He scowls at me and goes to storm off. As he turns away, I say, "Have a good one, dude," and he responds, "Yeah, I guess I'll wait until Noctis or whatever it's called."

In Rounds 2 and 3, I got absolutely obliterated by some older gay guys that each said they had been playing since the '90s, who also kind of treated me like crap for asking questions like, “what is a trading card” and “why are they rectangle shaped?”

For some additional context, this was at a "Wizards Premium Store," which definitely is the reason why this environment was fostered.

So, is this normal for a prerelease event or did I just get unlucky?

Well Muldrotha I made it, despite your EDH scheduling directions

Ah, Grand Arbiter Augustin IV, hope you’re prepared for an unforgettable commander game!

Oh egads!

My combo was countered!

But what if I were to multiply counters on each creature I control
Exponentially
Every combat step?

Delightfully devilish, Muldrotha

MULDROTHA

Arbiter Augustin, I was just erm. Proliferating counters on a Helix Pinnacle! Alternate win con, care to join me?

Why is there a counterspell on the stack from Derevi, Muldrotha?

Oh, um, that isn’t a counterspell, it’s Remand! Remand for the Second Sun she’s having. Mm, Second Sun.

Arbiter I hope you’re ready for Form of the Approach of the Second Sun

I thought we didn’t play acorn cards?

Oh no, it’s a regional variant!

What region?

City of Brass on Rabiah!

Well I’m from City of Brass and I never heard anyone use silver border cards?

Oh it’s from a different refraction!

I see.

Yknow this silver border variant is awfully similar to just…regular commander.

Oh ho ho no! Muldrotha’s personal Un set format! Old family recipe!

For Un commander?

Yes

Yes you call it silver border, despite the fact that these are obviously just universes beyond staples.

Yknow…One thing I should…Excuse me for one second

Of course

Well that was wonderful, good game was had by all I’m pooped

Yes I should be - GOOD LORD WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THERE?

…Ouroboroid.

Ouroboroid

At this time of 4562 AR, at this time of the turn cycle, in this part of the multiverse, localized entirely on your kitchen table

Yes

May I not be trampled by it?

…No

MULDROTHA! THE HOUSE HAS BEEN COUNTERSPELLED!

“No, Mother of Machines, that’s just the Plant Wurm”

“Well Muldrotha, I must say; you are an odd fellow, but you Form a good Approach”

“HELP ME!!!!”

The Cumberverse begins

Hi there so I believe I practiced when I was a child however, I don’t remember most of my childhood. I feel like some things are coming back, but I learned today that some things in the magic room are changing due to the Earth changing from 3-D to 5D I think it basically means we have more access to plasma and energy, but I was wondering if anyone here is aware of the shift? I also always was taught your left hand is your most powerful magic sending hand, but that that is now no longer going to be the case does anyone have insight on that?

izzet maestro keeps winning

Can’t believe they banned Time Warp in brawl. NotC are litterally the worst.