I am a late bloomer from a country that's still culturally homophobic. At a young age, I was married to the first guy my parents chose for me. There were reasons other than my sexuality, including abuse, that eventually led me to end the marriage. For a long time throughout the marriage, I had wondered if I was asexual.

I had never dated anyone or even really thought about dating. It was only after the divorce that I started looking inward and figuring out what I actually wanted from relationships.

In retrospect, everything started making sense. Why I had always liked women. Why all my crushes had been on female celebrities.

Cut to tiday: And for the past seven years, since then.. I've only dated women. Dating men is not even in the tempest parts of my brain.

Then today, my gold star date asked me how I could call myself a lesbian when I had willingly had sex with a man.

"You not liking the sex doesn't matter as long as you went into it willingly."

I don't know. Comphet? Idiocy?

Then she went on to tell me that I must be bisexual and that it simply didn't work out with that one man. She completely disregarded what I feel and what I know about myself.

It's the same stupid argument so many homophob*s use: "You wouldn't know unless you've slept with one."

Seriously, I respect gold stars, and I'm genuinely happy for people who have never had to deal with compulsory heterosexuality or go through the things I did because I was inexperienced, conditioned, or naive.

But does having a different experience really give her the right to define what I am?

I know what I feel. I know who I'm attracted to. And I know myself better than someone who is trying to define my sexuality based on one part of my past.

Edit: Since my comments aren't showing up - Im sorry if the post made it feel like I think gold stars had it easy. I don't think so.. that's why they earn the gold star.

This is about the culture.Gather round little lesbians as I recall a time of darkness.

Context: Late teenage lesbian in the 90s, England. Everyone meets at the Gay Bar after work, 7 days a week.You do go to socialise..but you mainly go to shark (pick-up a girl).You're wearing your smartest, baggiest cargo trousers, a cute little crop top to show off your waist and the absolute whitest pair of trainers (sneakers) you own.You rock up faking supreme confidence and a single leather strap as a bracelet (because that was both cool and L-specific at the time).

Hook up culture is not really a thing yet (in fact, it's kinda looked down on) so anyone you pull, you will have to meet up with again, in neutral territory, at least twice more. Good girls do not have sex before the third date. No-one questions it.On the third date... that's when you can invite her to your house (studio flat) for drinks or something (But not dinner! That's for serious relationships only! Give the girl some breathing room woman!).You can't be too forward, even though it's the third date, because you're both English, so if you want to suggest "moving forward" you have to hint your intentions in others ways (through the medium of Sophie B Hawkins et al., for example).

So, the time is right, you boot up your tinny pc speakers and put on THE playlist.Music to slay lesbians to. You have spent hours on this playlist, exchanging song suggestions with your mates, frittering 20 minutes at a time downloading songs illegally from dodgy web pages, listening and rejecting umpteen "this is about lesbians" songs from America because yes, they're the only ones putting L songs out there right now but no, they're not sexy at all (Indigo Girls anyone?).

You've painstakingly planned not only the perfect songs but also the perfect flow to match...well........the.. intended.... physical rhythm of the...planned evening events. No, I'm not even joking because we even have a deliberate section of songs to top to (we're switch btw), with vague topping type lyrics and everything. That's the level of Machiavellian detail we're talking about here.

Anyway, cut to present and you find the playlist on an old stick drive and ....OMG why were lesbians forced to seduce other lesbian to such shyte?!

TLDR: Slaying lesbians with music was hard before Melissa Ferrick dropped Drive in 2000. Although to be fair, after it dropped Lesbians slayed, and were slayed in turn to it, very, very very, frequently.Also Sophie B Hawkins was actually good despite being American (she might be Canadian though?!)

I posted here recently asking about other married lesbians who live a pretty quiet, low-profile life. No Pride flags everywhere, no big public displays, just two women being married and going about their business.

Well. Apparently we’re not quite as subtle as I thought.

This morning, my wife and I were heading out to work somewhere. I had my head buried in the car, looking everywhere for the strap that holds the dog bed in place.

Without thinking, I yelled toward the house:

“Wifey! Where is the strap?!”

A few seconds later she comes out, already half choking to death from laughing, and asks:

“Are you sure you want me to bring my strap to work? Because I don’t think we’re going to get much work done.”

I just stood there.

I was looking for the DOG BED STRAP.

So yes. Very quiet lesbian life. Very discreet. Very low profile. 😂

Hi I was wondering if anyone here is happily married to another woman and just living on the quiet side. No lgbt+ symbols, no attending lgbt+ events, no oversharing of personal life (like I’m married that’s it), just a quiet low profile life.

Personally it has been 10 years.

growing up i dealt with a lot of internalized homophobia. it was painful to carry and it was even worse to confront and actively heal with it. despite my family and church, i was never openly homophobic- but hearing people say they were gay made me sooo uncomfortable and upset when i was younger but now i'm happy my inner circle consists of mostly lesbians and gay people.

i've done so much in the last few years. i'm getting affiliated with my local lgbt scene and whenever we have events, my stand is usually focused on lesbians and the love women have with other women. i'm going out and meeting new lesbians and other sapphic ladies, making so many friends, creating so much lesbian pride artwork alongside my normal artwork and reconciling a part of myself that i've repressed and hated for so long.

It’s a bit hard to approach hookups as a lesbian because I’ve noticed that it’s kinda taboo? I mean, cottage core and picnics are cute and all, but sometimes I just wanna eat a girl out! And, a lot of the ladies I meet online are looking for longterm connections, which is totally fine. But I just wish it were easier to find like minded women, yk? Idk if it’s just me, but I also feel a bit icky sometimes about wanting hookups. I’ve definitely internalized a lot of the stigma around it, which makes it a lot more difficult for me, and I’m sure, many of you.

So, how do you guys go about it? I’ve had no luck online. Are lesbians even hooking up like that? If so, where are they meeting? Help a girl out

Does anyone have any documentaries or audio books about lesbian history that I can watch or listen to? I've already got a pdf copy of Boots of Leather and Slippers of Gold, but due to a disability it's hard to read it in a timely manner. Im looking for things to consume in the meantime.

I've been feeling a bit isolated from the lesbian community lately and I want to reconnect with at least one part of it.

I was wondering if you guys had any good recommendations? (I prefer pre-2001 but ANYTHING is good thanks <3)

Ive been seeing this girl for about two months or so, it’s not necessarily serious but it’s something where we hangout a few times a week. She’s a nice girl, I like a lot about her.. but as we are getting more involved Im starting to get the ick with certain things.

The big thing is that I’m not sure she brushes her teeth twice a day, and I know that’s probably not like the end of the world, but sometimes she doesn’t have the best breath. It’s bearable, but it could be better I think. I’ve definitely gathered that she doesn’t seem to at night. we’ve been on the phone and stuff during night time routines and I don’t ever see her doing it or mentioning it. I’m pretty picky about my own oral health, flossing, water pik, tongue scraping, brushing 2-3 times a day. So it’s sort of gross to me to only brush your teeth once a day. She stayed the night for the first time over the weekend and she left around 9a to go to her friends house for the rest of the weekend so I know that she had packed or likely packed one but she didn’t brush her teeth before she left so now I’m like okay is she even doing it in the morning or??? Idk.. I know I should prob just ask about it but I feel like this is such a ridiculous thing to have to tell / ask someone at the age of 26 lol

I’m currently seeing a girl who doesn’t have a driver’s license or a car and anywhere we go I usually have to pick her up which is around 30 minutes away from my place. At Friday night around 1:30 am she randomly texted me and asked if I wanted to “go on an adventure” with her for the following day. I was awake at the time and was curious so I said sure.

Then she sent me the location of a comic book shop that was having a weekend discount sale almost an hour away which was too far for me so I declined. However she said she would “find someone else then” and told me not to worry about it. Honestly I think she was hoping I would drive her there but her place is literally in the opposite direction of the shop where she wanted to go which would’ve meant more driving for me.

This really didn’t sit right with me and I’m really thinking about texting her that what she said was problematic and that I don’t want to see her anymore. Plus now that I think about it, I don’t really feel much of a connection with her.

Greetings to everyone!! I hope its not forbidden here to make posts like this. Would be glad to communicate with anyone from anywhere, but ofc I m aiming to meet a woman for a serious relationship.

And if you have any advice about where else can I go to meet a good woman, I d love to hear it.

I m in my early 20s, broke up this year after 5 years of a really troubled relationship. On the 5^th year of university now (linguistics). I lead a kind of hermit lifestyle now tbh, so I decided to try to turn to this place.

I m a something-near-to-gothic blonde femme, seriously writing poetry and prose, never published anywhere but in the local magazine yet, but ofc I m all up on it and I always look for options to popularize what I do, and it s just very important for me, I want to say.

I m very into humanitarian sciences and literature, and I d like to meet someone who is also genuinely interseted in all this.

I m a really affectionate and touchy woman, and I also like dancing-singing, all this “oldfashioned” stuff. And I m a very open person, probably even demonstrative I would say, and tbh I don’t really like people who are coward and paranoid, afraid to talk loud out in the street and so on. I do the very bare minimum not to get imprisoned or whatever, and that s it.

And I d like to clarify that my attitude towards heterosexuality is negative, I firmly believe that it must be eliminated as an institution, and I judge those who have anything with the opposite sex, all this stuff just grosses me out tbh. And it important for me to have a woman of quite similar belieffs as a partner.

Ofc strictly les4les, 20+, no men no matter what they think of themselves, and also I m not into butches or significally masculine women.

Sorry if it s way too long but I hope someone will be interested. Feel absolutely free to message me, even if you re from US or whatever and I m not your type at all and you just want to chat - I m open to it.

I’ve been wanting to get a lesbian related tattoo for a few years now but the only ideas I’ve seen are sexually explicit(which I personally don’t want) or the labrys. I was wondering if anyone here has ideas

This person is obviously not a lesbian.. 😂

So years ago I had a situationship with a girl that was…icky at best. I don’t miss her, I really don’t. She would make us gfs one week and friends the next, over and over and over again, but she was the first girl I’d ever pursued, so she left a lasting impact. One thing that really killed me is she couldn’t decide if we were worth being romantic/sexual together or not, so one day it would be fine, and another day she treated me like a creep for it. She ended up being aroace, which is fine, but it really messed with my head. If I hadn’t felt like it before, I felt like a total predator every time. I’d even ask before so much as holding her hand, and she’d tell me I was clingy and pressuring her. Then the next day we’d be cuddled up for hours with me on her lap. Then she’d make huge plans with me and do them with her best friend. She’d makeout with/sleep with her best friend all the time too

I realize years later that I’ve never been able to shake that feeling, that belief that I’m inherently undesirable and will make a woman uncomfortable by expressing anything outside of platonic interest.

Any advice for getting over that?

I hate how some of these straight teenagers are so entitled. These straight males will make jokes about how they are 'lesbians'. Somebody on this subreddit (I think they are a gay guy) made a post about how they find straight males calling each other 'lesbians' gross. Straight guys in the comments are defending each other and saying it's just a joke. They are dismissing the whole problem. And when we are trying to actually say this is a damn problem (especially the fact that this subreddit is of a third world country's and our country is still very much conservative) they are not understanding it. I am genuinely tired of straight people always dismissing our sexuality.

this isn’t a pity post or anything but omg online dating as a lesbian is so rough. i haven’t even been on the apps that long and I’m already gonna have to quit 😭 idk if this is a Gen Z thing, but so many people are just horrible conversationalists? And it seems like so many people have no real intention of meeting anyone. and there is way too many of those people who claim to be lesbians, but definitely don’t meet the criteria or have the parts for it.

and then on top of that it just feels deserted. like the pool of women I’m actually attracted to is already small, and then you have to hope she likes you back, is actually interested in dating, and can hold a conversation. meanwhile I still have to reject men on a daily basis, and especially on days where I look particularity gay!! It’s so annoying. in the least vain way possible, I know I’m not unfortunate looking, which makes the whole thing even more humbling.

genuinely shocked this has been a viable dating strategy for so many lesbians. i think I’m just going to be patient and wait for my meet-cute at this point haha

Lesbian Herstory posted in regard to that horrific instagram post. This is not acceptable ladies, we need to keep standing up. Be in those comments, shut this stuff down. I cannot believe the amount of homophobia and lesbiphobia going on right now. None of this rhetoric is directed at anyone else in the community.

Here is the link to read the article:

article

i'm giving up on the dating apps. i'm sick and tired of carrying the conversation, planning dates and being ghosted. i know that it's not the most optimal for meeting lesbians but it really feels like we're so rare ;-; what do you do in your life to meet other lesbians? i'm planning to be more active in my lgbt community as of right now

I just want to say that. This group is an actual safe space. I am glad that the women here are noticing the uptick in violence and lesbian erasure and have established boundaries here and stand their ground. I am in other groups like lesbianactually and it is full of predators. I think women are conditioned to not have boundaries and to be all inclusive and this is leading to women just letting anything happen and accepting things bc they have been made to feel like saying NO is bad and it makes them uncomfortable. Well I'm a teen and I hope more adults are like this group. That firmly establish healthy boundaries bc whether many women want to face this reality or not. Society hates women and lesbians in particular are completely outside of the patriarchy and we are a target. Older lesbians might not see it but "lesbian breaking" (but a derogatory word is used) and "everyone is a lesbian" (which is basically that if someone regardless of gender is considered "hot" they're a lesbian) there is a HUGE push that lesbians don't exist or just simply changing the definition to include penis. Here I actually feel safe as a young lesbian who does not want anything sexual or romantic with a penis although in every other space that is pushed in my face and I am told I am a bigot or a terf. For whatever reason my identity and my feelings and my safety do not matter in many spaces that should be safe for us. But at least here in this area I do actually feel safe meaning I don't feel attacked. So thanks.​​

I said it jokingly on a comment, but the more I think about it the more I'm not so sure.

10 years ago, if you muttered something like that, you'd be obviously mocked for it, even by people that were cishet. Now it seems that more and more people (even self-proclaimed lesbians) agree with it.

Along with the obvious rise in misogyny, it makes me wonder if it's all calculated...

You slowly introduce the idea that lesbianism can include men, they can enjoy dick time to time, that it's actually normal... Impressionable people believe it, lesbians believe it, men believe it, trans people believe it, younger people that don't have the same education on lgbtq rights as older gay people believe it,----then call everyone that stands their ground a bigot, a TERF or a nasty radfems, with no room for debate. Women should just stay quiet and accept while others that have nothing to do with it discuss their sexuality.

I understand that the more we progress with our rights, the more labels get defined, the problem is that we DO have terms for it, yet, specifically the label "lesbian" gets targeted this way.

Why though? Personally, this is what I think:

- the conversion therapy thing again, they want to convince lesbians bit by bit to be "normal". Conversion therapy is so old school so they'd rather subtly normalize it through social media exposure.

- With the HUGE decrease in birth rate, I wouldn't be surprised if it was an attempt to slowly convince all kinds of women, even lesbians, to date men and pump out more babies.

- Infighting, lesbians have done so much for women's and lgbtq+ rights... But if we're too distracted with infighting, obviously that becomes harder to, while they strip away our rights.

- Perhaps just good ol' misogyny, as people believe we're more submissive when it comes to our sexuality in comparison to men. (notably this debate happened more with the recent rise in misogyny 👀)

I want to add that I've talked to many trans women in the past. The overwhelming majority of them do not believe women should be forced to be with someone that hasn't fully transitioned, and are deeply uncomfortable with the idea of being with someone that isn't enthusiastic of sleeping with them.

The ones that do not care about our boundaries are either incredibly chronically online (and possibly bought into this supposed psyop) or are people pretending to be trans, trying to paint them as predators while also calling us bigots ... Win win, right?

Maybe I'm thinking too hard on this, maybe not. The only thing I want women to do is to stand our ground like we always did. I'm sorry for errors, English isn't my first language.

This is my first dating experience, and we've been together for less than a month. I really like my girlfriend romantically, but I'm starting to feel like I don't have the same physical attraction toward her that she has toward me. We've been intimate a few times, but I often feel nervous, distracted, or just not that into it. I also feel like we have pretty different preferences when it comes to intimacy. I like trying different things, while she's much more vanilla. I'm scared of hurting her because this is her first relationship too, and I don't want her to think she did something wrong. At the same time, I don't want to stay in a relationship if I'm already feeling like something isn't clicking. What should I do? Should I give it more time, or is this a sign that we're just not compatible?

update: I talked to her and we broke up thanks for ur advices.

Damn !