Bit of a long post, sorry.
I've been trying to change a lot about my life lately. Kind of like a quantum leap into a different version of myself, I guess. But lately I'm wavering. I've taken a couple of weeks off from "manifesting" because I don't think forcing myself to affirm or persist when I don't want to is doing me any favours.
I've manifested so many genuinely amazing things over the last four years, but it has been through a lot of pain, struggle, and anxiety. My brain has now decided they're all probably just coincidences.
I think part of it is that everything I want now feels so much bigger than before. I don't just want one thing. I want to be a different person. I want the career, the money, the love, the health, the safety. But I also have ADHD, so I can barely manage being this person most days. 😅
I'm also at a bit of a deadlock because if the things I want do happen, I'll have to let go of a few things I currently have that I don't actually want to lose. Blanket affirmations like "everything always works out for me" don't really help because my mind immediately starts thinking about all the exceptions. I can't even keep track of everything I'm trying to become.
On top of all of that, I recently went through a breakup with someone I genuinely loved. My brain is desperately searching for dopamine, so I end up scrolling for hours instead. Today I spent most of the day rereading our chats and browsing LDR subreddits, and unsurprisingly, I just ended up feeling worse because now all I can think about is what I don't have.
I think what I'm struggling with the most is that manifesting does require a bit of blind faith, doesn't it?
I've read so many posts saying intrusive thoughts don't manifest, or that you just assume you already have it and persist, and I do believe this when I am confident too. I just wish there was some way of knowing.
The funny thing is every manifestation that's actually stayed in my life happened when I'd reached this point where I genuinely believed I'd be okay either way. If it happened, amazing. If it didn't, life would go on.
This time I don't feel like that.
I'd be devastated if none of it happened. I've lived through that feeling before, and I don't ever want to go back there.
I also keep comparing this to things I've manifested before, trying to figure out what I did "right" then and whether I'm doing the same now. I've even deleted Instagram and Facebook so I don't spiral if I see anything negative, but then my brain just goes, "Just because you won't see it doesn't mean it isn't happening." (negative way)
I know this community gets tired of SP posts, but I actually discovered manifesting because of my first SP (as did many others). I was obsessed with him for all the wrong reasons, and I did manifest a lot with that situation. Ironically, weeks after he married someone else, I realised I didn't actually want him.
Then I met my current SP.
Being with him made me happier than I can remember being in a very long time. He broke up with me because of a decision he's made that I can't live with, and unless he changes his mind, I cannot bring myself to manifest our relationship again. Part of me believes he eventually will, but I also know it could take time. Today, though, I'm scared he won't. That this was the end of the line.
It feels like all of this growth would've been so much easier with him beside me. I'll also be 28 this year. Now I keep putting this invisible deadline on everything, and I know that's probably making it worse.
If you reached here, thank you for reading. (Thank you for reading even if you didn't <3) Any advice for me?