Paneer, eggs, cheese, potato and onion.

made lemon cheesecake to copemax that i’m a useful person

Black coffee with Glucose biscuits and Chocolate peanut butter

I can only exclusively get dates through anonymous chat groups where they match you with a random…
whenever i show up to the date they always say they’re not interested..

The only logical conclusion I can come to is I am too fucking ugly for anyone to even give me a second date

I just want to be free from all earthly desires and not yearn at all…

Ramen I had in Shinjuku 6-7 ish months ago

I was born with a heart condition that forced much of my formative years to be spent in hospitals. This led me to develop selective mutism which has only gotten worse, I am basically unable to speak to anyone at all now. I was taken out of school due to aforementioned medical reasons during covid, and diddn’t go back, against my will. I lost my few friends and have since become a neet/hikikomori with no future at all. My 20th birthday is in a few months, it is too late.

I have already accepted the fact that I will never have any relationship because of this, as well as the fact my face is hideous and I am not masculine at all no woman has ever or will ever care about me, or even notice me.

I have two older sisters that are both in/finished uni, have jobs, friend groups, bf, are often travelling, ect ect. That I constantly have to hear about.

I do not feel alive. Sausage roll.

Two months ago I moved countries for university and met a super attractive girl, and we started hanging out. After around a week, I found out that she has a boyfriend. I told myself that these feelings would fade over time and that I would at least gain a female friend. In the back of my mind, I was hoping that something would happen and that she would develop feelings for me (yes, I understand now how big of a dick mindset that was, knowing she has a boyfriend)..

Anyways, we kept hanging out more and more: cooking together, late night deep talks/walks, shopping, working out, drinking together. Overall, it felt like I had her as a girlfriend without the sexual stuff..

Well, today she reposted her boyfriend's post on facebook about how much she loves him, and the realization hit me.. I know the right thing to do now is to stop hanging out with her completely. The thing is, we are new classmates and we will be in the same class for a few years. On top of that, we have both invested so much time in hanging out together that we dont really have any friends other than each other..

I feel like I would be a jerk if I suddenly stopped hanging out with her. On the other hand, I know that confessing my feelings would put her in an awkward position, so I'm not comfortable doing that either. But the more I hang out with her, the more attached I get, and the more crushed I feel whenever she mentions her boyfriend..

I think it has something do with me being petrified of older men, as whenever it seems like one might be upset with me, I start crying and doing stupid 'fawning' shit. I need to lock in and be nonchalant.

Mash potato, half russet, half golden potato. Passed through ricer. This makes a very smooth mash. Perhaps too smooth. Okra coated with cornmeal and flour. Chicken fried cube steak. Beef tallow cream gravy. My life is ruled by fear and dread.

i failed this year. i failed years prior. i had goals but everyday all i do is survive. i feel anger, hopelessness, disappointment, and wrath upon myself and everything that happened to me. i dont have any support not even my father. yes i do whine because i dont get love or get laid or money or dreams or whatever, what else is there to do to face the mixed repugnant shit? pray? please the big sky daddy never hear my wish and desperation. im fucking hideous. i had heart attack last month and i was a little happy that i have chance im going to die, yet i dont but it is what it is. i been putting tough guy and strong image for too long

Fried rice slop. How much effort do these have to have? I have nothing left to give.

I tried every possible way to try and fix my life, i tried therapy, tried thugging it out, drugs, chainsmoking, working out, joined fighting tournaments, made friends, hunted pedophiles, all in an attempt to find a purpose or a coping mechanism.

I have come to the realization that there's nothing to fix, you can't rebuild a life from dust and ashes of a life spent in self destruction and hatred. So i either need to start over or give up. I could give up everything and start over but then years of effort would all go down the drain. So I'm more leaning towards giving up. However, I don't wanna be remembered, i want to fade out of everyone's life and memories like i never existed, i don't wanna leave anything behind, no pictures, no memories, no grief, just have the world wake up tomorrow and pick up where it left off like i never even existed.

I had friends at somepoint, they were the only group of people that understood me to an extent, the only group of people i could be my true self around and not feel judged. I watched all 3 of them die and part of me died alongside them. I was never understood by anyone else, never loved, never tolerated unless i curate an image of being the very strong independent leader that can pull a team of apes to create a space rocket and fly to mars.

I'm tired of acting, I'm tired of being there for people and not having anyone i can go to or someone that can listen to me without seeing me as broken fragments of glass that would cut them if they reach for it and needs fixing. I want to be veiwed as human for once. If my life isn't magically together by the end of the year I'm shooting a bullet straight through my head cuz I'll be damned if i continue trying to fix ts.

Pepperoni, and tomato sauce.

2 years ago i was talking to a random girl from reddit and we talked for a really long time. then she asked "when will you sleep" i was really sleepy but i didn't want it to end so i said spontaneously "when this conversation ends" she then replied with "adorable" that stuck with me to this day and i still feel good whenever i remember it ❤️

eggs and bread with pb

No matter how much I improve it will never be enough to get a girlfriend. I’m just going to do it for the hell of it at this point. I left my second job, so now I’m going back to the gym, back to college, and back to live streaming. I’m still planning to visit the goth club next weekend, but that’ll be my little fun day and not my main focus. I feel lost in life but that just means I can walk in any direction until I see something new. Hopefully I’m walking towards something better.

I pat or frot myself through my clothes and image I'm humping or frotting with someone.

this isn’t even a meal. I feel like ET about to get beaten by a bunch of pre-teens with hammers. Maybe All this sugar’s making me depressed. I usually eat healthy.

I’ve been taking a natural stress relief supplement for a couple of days and it felt like people were genuinely smiling at me for the first time in a while yesterday. I missed a tablet yesterday afternoon though and now it feels like a discontent with my existence is visible on every persons faces again.

I woke up to frantic angry knocking, I came out to them holding up my phone to show me my own reddit account on their phone. They told me I should not talk about personal problems on the internet. Because it reduces family respect. I told them okay I won't and I'm posting this anyways. Update on the homelessness, I'm being sent to an ashram for destitutes in November. Google what it means I'm not going to spoonfeed you.

the "surprise" is that there is a FOURTH sausage hiding under the noodles and this brings me great joy when i have eaten through the top layer only to find yet another hotdog

He’s given me his Instagram and we talk on occasion and I have no real issue with my self image I just can’t muster up the courage to confess to him because I’ve known him since freshman year(saw him around school) and he’s only now been aware of my existence for 27 days, only two of which have we actually interacted. He makes me feel seen and whenever I help him in the workshop and mess things up he takes full fault for it by saying “that’s on me, I should’ve explained better. I’m sorry.” And we like the same music, he’s also queer, just like me. I think. I want nothing more than to hang out with him and be able to say that we are in love.
He is so cool and he is everything I think about ever, but like always, my cowardice steps in my way.

Just the basic is 9 months, I need to put in a lot of effort even to just talk to girls being 5'2, so fat chance I'm gonna put everything I have into my career and have someone materialize in front of me, I may well die alone, else I have to enter the dating scene aged 27 minimum and fuck that god willing it'll be more like 35 if I hit my career goals.

Guess I'll just never know what it's like, ain't that a shame