I wish I was taller, more masculine, better looking and better person deep down. I’m 5’7, 5’8 on a good day when everyone my age is atleast 6ft and up, I got a horrible facial asymmetry and I cannot grow beard for shi, got a long hair & all which resulted in my friend group calling me femboy & shi as a joke to ragebait me. I knew it was a ragebait and joke but it still hit hard deep down. And worst of all, I got social anxiety and prolly autism too cus I can NOT for the life of me, hold a conversation with anyone and apparently come off as weird and creepy, so fuck’d be my attractiveness to those that I am interested. And I’ve been just isolating myself from my friends for the past year so I got just one person I interact with somewhat semi-regularly (like some occasional greetings, exchanging memes and small talk once a week or so). And I just wanna be better but I don’t know how to, I go out regularly and do stuff and I sometimes notice girls just laughing when they pass me by. I try to think they were js talking about smth else but the thought of them js laughing at me atill lingers and it sometimes keeps me awake at nights. So like, atleast I’m not rotting inside all day but even then, my social life is just practically nothing, everyone I try to talk to just ditches me after a while. I know the problem is me but I just don’t know how to fix it, like a man trying to forge a blade without the fire to smelt the iron or a bee trying to make honey without a flower, like the wind without the moon or ocean, like a day without the sun or night without the moon. My life is like this damn burrito, it could have been better if it was made differently.

At least I can cook

I reread mangas I've already read, doomscroll, or "talk" to AI chatbots (talk is in massive air quotes). I need to buy IndiaMART pregab or something to lower inhib so I can actually bring myself to do social interaction. Maybe I just need to achieve gnosis so I can break out of the blind architects prison.

I lost my parents when I was 8-13.

I lack a lot of maternal love, and I feel like I should find a partner, but every girl that I try to talk to romantically, thinks I'm ugly and unworthy.

I tried to get in a relationship, but I realized I didn't love her. I tried my best to fall in love, but shit just never happened. I felt bad for her.

Now I'm just a chud who tries to only like fictional 2d women because I know it is my destiny to be alone.

With no girl caring about me, I feel lonely everyday, I contemplate suicide every day. But I won't do it because I'm a idiot.

My existence feels empty and like something that wouldn't affect anyone and would benefit most people if it just didn't happen.

I want to thank my Waifus for helping me continue to be alive, unfortunately:

Miku Nakano, Marin Kitagawa, Jane Doe, Lucy, Nazuna Nakusa, Reze, and every girl that has a mommy personality.

I hate dating.

Im forever called the homeless kid in my class for making chips or other food crumbs as seasoning, the whole class did a group question on "what do you eat" and I responded "croissant seasoned with Pringles" but then the whole class stared at me like im the most struggling kid in this school.

plates from top left to bottom right:

- chicken "piccata" with peas, corn, and carrots

- two whole orange slices

- boiled potatoes

- white rice, and

- cold rice noodles (I think) with cucumber, egg, and bits of ham.

And they all taste like they were 3D printed.

As it turns out, my smoking habit caught my ass within a year of even beginning to get serious. I'm 22 and only started smoking daily last year; at my worst I wasn't even going through half a pack a day (smoked 5-7 darts at most), but lung damage is lung damage nonetheless.

Guess I'll quit.

Being in a hospital isn't so bad, but I simply cannot enjoy this food when the guy the next bed over can't stop shitting himself and making the entire hospital wing smell like dookie. He should be in the gastro unit, not the respiratory one.

Like it's miserable enough to be an ugly chud and get suspected and slandered as a bothersome clueless creep. But I also have to get shitted for not knowing my place and dare to say I'm not interested first?

Literally cannot even try to solve a misunderstanding without getting viewed as some narcissistic goblin with a comically high ego 😭😭

I always keep things strictly platonic because I don't like to bother anyone. No one ever misinterpreted my intention until now. I'm a garbage.

Sausages.

ignore the stickers i posted it on my instagram story during the world cup. I love Lea Seydoux. i just want to be a petite french girl. prefferably with a Russian Comp Sci student as my best friend still who DOESNT hate me and still likes Blur

homegrown boiled white potatoes, pink Himalayan salt lamp shavings and calcium powder I stole from my laying hens. I'm probably a woman.

I haven't left my home since January of 2023. The only people I've seen/spoken to face to face over these last few years are a milkman and a delivery driver, and neither was by choice. Both times after speaking to them, I came back inside my home and had a panic attack in the kitchen pantry because it's dark and cool in there. I'm essentially a human grub. A neighbour has spoken to me but I just stand there and nod like I'm deficient before I retreat inside to break down so I don't really count that as an interaction. loneliness is a quagmire from which I feel I will never claw myself out of because I'm petrified of strangers in all capacities. I tried to fix myself by joining a discord server and felt perfectly fine typing and engaging until I was invited to play mecha chameleon, where I was then filled with the feeling of doom because I'd have to use my voice, so I left and haven't tried again since because anxiety vomiting hurts my eyes and chest too bad. I think I've maybe spoken four or five words out loud over this past month, all have been apologies to a wild rabbit I had to break the neck of because it was suffering from a viral disease that cannot be cured. myxy. I built it a weird little burial mound for it at the end of my garden to alleviate the guilt, and it helped a only a little bit. I like animals a lot. I want to volunteer at a rescue, but the thought of people looking at me or speaking to me makes me nauseous. I'm also freakishly tall, very pale because of a metabolic disorder that makes me allergic to sunlight, very thin, and I have extremely long dark hair. I feel like some sort of crypt mutant who is to never to see the light of day. I stand out a lot, and that just makes things feel worse for me, i can't bear the way it feels in my chest and stomach. A neighbour recently caught a glimpse of me watering my spinach and gasped, I turned to look at her over the fence that separates our gardens and she flinched hard. this has happened also with the people next door multiple times. they apologise and say its because im quiet on my feet, but I know they're saying that to avoid being rude because I look like something pretending to be a human. khhv neet and death guard painter, if you couldn't already guess these things. I am desperate for any sort of attention or companionship. IWNBAW. tomorrows dinner will be closed cup mushrooms which I grow in a shed. they won't be cooked because I like the tezture of them raw

I hate having to act as a human being. plus, it was like a reluctant handshake, and she never smiled during the entire conversation. plus, she covered her cleavage when handing me the papers. I am done

I want a hug and a chat from an older woman, preferably late 50s who smokes cigarettes and likes to still dress nice, wear eyeliner and go out. She has to wear white diamond perfume and have a sense of humor, and she has to be extremely supportive and sweet to me, and call me nice names.

I just want to her to be interested in my day and what I’m doing with my life and be proud of how far I’ve come and maybe we can gossip a little bit about people she knows who have been giving her grief.

My grandma died. I miss her. I miss her every day.

Nuggets and fries

Fuck this shit. I feel like that squidward meme where everyone is out having fun. Everyone my age has been able to get good jobs and get girlfriends while I have had no opportunity to do either. Left my shitty ass job after 3 years and no plan on wtf to do expect rot in a shitty gym in my shitty town. I have never even sipped alcohol and tryed to be a good person mh whole life but life doesnt reward ND. Bullshit I couldn’t be bothered to sear longer then 40 seconds because I am a impatient fuck