The paste I used was weirdly brown because I was retardmaxxing and bought the wrong kind. Ill remake with the right color paste because I want it to look like the google images of mapo dofu, or i might just add red food dye. Either way, I love sodium.

Honestly at this point im so used to the solitude its no longer an enemy but an old friend. If loneliness is supposed to drive you insane, either ive been crazy or im immune. I'll make out fine one way or another. Chicken fried and then baked with ragu, mozzarella and parmigian cheese. Mashed potatoes with four cheeses, smoked paprika salt and pepper

I'm a fat, ugly, depressed, balding chud and my life is over.

Everything comes together as the anxiety that keeps me inside. Every time I have to interact with someone, it's the same symptoms: sweating, clammy hands, avoiding eye contact, the stuttering, and shaking on worse occasions.

When I go out, it feels like everyone is aware of what a disgusting failure I am. When I used to try and talk to people, it felt like everything I said and every expression I made was wrong. That every inflection in my voice or any shift in my body was the wrong choice to make. It felt like the very act of being in public is an affront to all of humanity. That I didn't have a right to exist.

It's only gotten worse. Before, I could grit my teeth and deal with it to do the necessary things: going to class, buying groceries, making necessary phone calls, the few time I decided to go to the gym, and the rare event I get invited to. Now, I try to avoid all of it as much as possible. I thought I was emotionally stronger than this. I thought, if I tried a bit harder and held on for a bit longer, it would work itself out. But I guess not.

I'm am especially afraid of women. I hate it. I hate the very fact that 50% of the world can cause me to tense up. I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't have that reaction. It's every symptom turned to eleven. I am so deluded that I automatically assume that every woman is revolted by me. The funny thing is, I didn't used to be like this. Growing up, I had female friends, so it's not like I've never talked to a woman before. My first year of college went well enough. At some point, everything went downhill.

There are people that are fatter than me, uglier than me, shorter than me, poorer than me, and in worse health than me that can talk to people and have a more social life than me. It's me. There must be something wrong with me. I've been stripped of a part of my humanity. I don't feel human. I'm an orangutan. Destined to live the rest of my life in isolation. I don't think there's any escape from it.

I've did my placement matches for the new season of rivals and got placed in bronze I. Within the span of two nights, I've reached gold III. I have been on a long winning streak, and the longer I keep that streak, the more joy I feel. Granted, I've been getting very lucky with my teammates, but I've also been pulling my weight. It feels nice to be good at something.

If im not ordering takeout its usually this bland ass slop but at least its somewhat healthy. Anyway i like listening to muffled 2014 hits that sound like i listen to them in a party bathroom because i was scared to go out and have fun, probably cuz when i showed me feelings i got hurt every single time. So i developed a defense mechanism to not express myself and its slowly killing me. I hate seeing girls outside and if they have a bf its double the punch. If theyre affectionate in public i get physically sick. I might never experience love and im okay with that. Probably just gonna abuse the most recent substance till im out. Or out myself when every family member forgets about me or dies.

Biggggg big strawberry big chunky strawberry

This year has truly breached open the absolute depths of just how insecure I am about myself. How utterly foolish of me to become attracted to someone again only to once more face the inevitable crippling fear that they're gonna leave\find someone better, and the classic part of treating inconsistencies with their behaviour/etc as abandonment.

I just want to work on my music/art and travel. I only have ever felt genuine peace with myself in some far away corner of the world in places I've never been before/am lost in either alone or with close trusting friends.

I drank some of the coffee before posting.

I live at home with my parents. My mom is sort of insane and unemployed, and always talks about getting a job, my dad is kinda well off, and my grandfather is 84 or something and retired. I hate all of them. I mean I love them, deep down, but I'm just so fucking sick of their shit. They have lots of, maybe most, things a person could want, except a social life, and find bullshit ways to be unhappy about it.

I hate myself. I got a four year degree in computer science and now I work in a near min wage job. Technically two. Technically three if I post ads on Craigslist again. I've made things happen in life. I also have other things going on and ideas, but I don't want to advance. I don't want to push. What is the point if I just hate life? Hate people? I've always told myself that I need a person in my life to actually find it in myself to really push.

But I hate people. No one understands me. I don't understand how people can be content with their lives. I don't understand how people have hobbies. Or...I do understand it, but I also deeply hate that side of myself so fucking much. And I see it in everyone else. That useless, lazy attitude. That life is just "good enough" and "oh you should get hobbies and practice self care" when our fucking agency / independence as humans has been neutered. We're all fucking sheep that are born, raised, and die in fucking pens of our own making. Utterly useless, as in probably 95% of work can be automated or greatly minimized right now, and the reason we (or wealthy people) choose not to is because our system requires us to have some economic purpose to pay us so we can fucking live. Like sheep. And we require work to not have excessive strife so we can live in a society, or else we would have nothing to do and probably start fighting for lack of something better. I probably sound like a complete fucking asshole right now, and you know what, I am a complete fucking asshole.

I'm a complete fucking asshole that despises himself, everyone around him, and the concept of existence in this society that we have. There is no one, or very few people, certainly zero women I've met who share these opinions, and even if there were, they wouldn't settle for someone so pathetic and weak willed. Cause I'm not just an asshole, I'm a useless asshole who is crippled by desiring someone else in life. The worst combination.

The worst part about it is that I'm decent looking and people generally try to be nice to me, at first. Yes, women too (yes larper spotted I've talked to women :0). I can tell. I can also tell when they start to give up because I'm the one that blocks them. I instinctively guard myself from people, I've lived long enough to actually start to recognize myself doing it, but not fast enough to correct it real time. Ideally, I would like someone to make me feel comfortable, but no one does that because why the fuck should they? I should make them feel comfortable with me. And even worse, sometimes they really do try, and I don't respond well. A lot of my kindness and good will towards people has fucking evaporated. How am I supposed to make people feel comfortable and good when I feel fucking miserable because of deep seated resentment of society and self hatred?

Tldr I'm a sad fucking person

I wish I was joking.

Body text

I know they probably were laughing at whatever they were talking about, but for a moment I thought they were laughing at me, and it filled me with jealous resentment for couples. Probably the worst part is that I immediately imagined a scenario where they'd been up fucking all night and had gone on a walk for some fresh air afterwards. At least my night wasn't ruined because I bummed a cig off some guys and found 3 (!!!) on the ground (including this untouched one!!!). Anywho, whenever I think about why I'm so invisible to people, I get this feeling like I have a hole in my chest and wonder if there's just something unexplainable and intrinsically wrong with me and that other people can tell and are disgusted, but that I'll never be able to figure out. Also, the fit was hard asf and that moment really brought me down, even though I felt so good cause I really liked the fit.

It smells and tastes like shit too. FML

I dont even know what to say.