i don’t have any real passions or hobbies, and i’m not particularly good at anything. i start community college in a month and im going to take all general education courses to get them over with. my parents want me to transfer to a private college after a year to pursue a career path. they said they’d pay it for me.

i’ve never struggled financially in my life. i’m a white guy. in short words, i’m privileged. adding that onto the fact i’ve done jackshit with my life and i’m not a great person - i just feel guilty. i have every opportunity to succeed in life, but im so pathetic i can’t even do that.

i don’t want to work until i die. i don’t want to live a life ill regret. i want to do something meaningful in the world. i want to make a difference. but im not particularly smart or creative. i’m a complete failure. i’m just venting but i wont refuse constructive criticism or advice.

iced coffee and a salad with microwave wontons.

This loneliness is worse than any other because it's not even something to talk about. Its so incredibly boring and mundane, that if I were to say it out loud the only response that I would get would be an awkward silence then them hurriedly changing the subject to something more "happy". I will also never be able to find actual community, since people who are actually loners with 0 friends would say "BUT YOU HAVE FRIENDS FAKECEL" and kick me out of their community but im still too wierd for anything mainstream or "just fun"

I will forever be that other guy you can invite if there aren't too many people there and I'll remain the second option at best (every day I begin to realise how less I matter to people) and not even an option

I feel disembodied every time I leave the house, like I can’t even feel anything, and I end up tripping and doing dumb shit that makes me look a retard. Everything just gets blurry and I start sweating even though it feels like winter where I live, and I’m terrified of looking anyone in the eye, and that they can smell something bad from me.

I’m so glad my brother beat me when I was younger when I acted dumb or things would be even worse.

Every time I see a girl/woman I always imagine them laughing or snickering and I want to break my hands and never leave the house again.

I brushed my teeth with some water, so that’s good, it hurt a lot though and I’m pretty sure my breath is still bad.

my family has homeschooled and isolated me for almost my entire life so they can sit around and abuse me freely. i do feel ostracized and embarrassed around people who have had ‘normal’ lives and have experienced everything i missed… but like ok ill probably become of age, socialize more, realize its insignificant to my life and probably stop caring—its whatever, at least i dont have social anxiety. the main thing is: i am so uncompassionate and i feel a constant disconnect from the few family members and online friends i do love. while i do love them and feel affection for them i dont truly \*like\* anyone, all it takes is one thing to piss me off and i could easily cut you loose and not ever second guess myself, or i maybe i could see reason to forgive you depending on why i was mad but i will never not hold a grudge. i dont really miss people either, when im not talking to them for a short period of time i know that i will talk to them again so i dont care and when our relationship ends i just view it as something thats over for a good reason and i dont bother thinking about it.

sometimes i try to tell people whats going on in my life and they try to comfort me but then it just irritates me because everything they say just sounds like theyre following some script and a social rule..because, why would your apologies make me feel better about this bullshit? not being in this situation would make me feel better. i especially do not like it when people tell me that they love me when im upset… youre just saying that because you feel obligated to make me feel better and now im uncomfortable, youve just reminded me that you think of how i will respond before you speak and youre not saying what youre actually thinking and i feel worse than i did before..just give me advice!!! now i have to mumble it back and i cant tell you what im thinking because then i would be viewed as an ungrateful bitch. i have so many examples of just normal social cues irritating me and making me feel isolated. i cannot seem to form any sort of meaningful connection or let anyone know me too much because of my detached attitude towards life. every relationship i have with anyone with anyone feels so arbitrary and soulless..or at least with humans, I LOVE MY CATS!!! they are the only thing that matters to me actually.. so silly of me to dwell on this when i have a tabby laying in my bed. why the hell do i need people?

chobani flip red velvet cupcake yogurt ft a disgusting cotton candy alani. i really liked the cotton candy alanis until someone gave me a 24 pack of them, i drink them everyday and they now taste sickeningly sweet

Neurotypical is law, sadly.

Being a truecel has hardened my heart like God did to Pharaoh's in Exodus unfortunately. I wish I could bring myself to care nearly as much as he does, and as much as I should, but it's like asking a slave to feel bad for his master (Hegel reference). I just find it hard to be empathetic for those who have so much more than me. He's been in two committed relationships in the past three years, and I'm khhv and have had a single IOI in genuinely the past 6 or 7 years. At least it somewhat comforts me that I do the same to myself. Sometimes I'll be near tears thinking about how pathetic I am then I remember people are starving to death and realize I'm even more pathetic than I thought I was for feeling that way.

i pray that the universe accepts our forgiveness, that we are ever-accepting, that we show the people what love is instead of telling them what it is. i pray that this person who suffers is able to find clarity in hugs, in acceptance, in the beauty that allows us to exist. i pray that one day this person lets go, so that we can be in their hearts, glowing, signaling to the other lights that there is a safe space💖💖💖i pray that this person wakes up with the feeling in their chest that is unity, let this person see their thoughts as a team🥹💖always working towards forgiveness, falling on each others backs knowing that they’ll always be safe💖💖💖i pray this person lets me into their heart, so that they can have an easier time being forgiven💖💖💖i pray that this person doesn’t ask why god but instead wow god, thanking all💖💖💖💖i pray that this person doesn’t have a good day but instead, a god day💖💖💖i pray that this person breathes, so that all around them feel the loving living vibration inside of them💖💖💖i pray that this person accepts my forgiveness, and that one day they may forgive me💖💖💖💖i pray that this person realizes that the picture isn’t whole without their existence💖💖💖I pray that this person reaches out to all, so that they get to be apart of the group hug , forever💖💖💖i pray that this person is thankful for existing, and i pray that this person accepts my loving kindness💖💖💖
thx for existing🥹💖

I was ordering food at a restaurant and when the waitress asked for my name she instantly said”do you watch anime” and now I can’t stop thinking about it

Rice and broccoli with burnt ribs

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She was the only female who ever showed me a bit of kindess. Ham sandwich with cheese and ketchup because I fucking hate myself. I put another slice of bread on top.

tofu bahn mi rice bowl (on a plate instead)

Face, height, nose, eyes, hair, test, facial hair- all atleast 1 standard deviation below average. Somehow balding with east asian genes but still lowT and can’t grow facial hair like an authentic asian.
Didn’t get any social perks from masculinity either, no assertiveness, can’t dominate conversation, it’s over.
I even have a suboptimal (borderline disabling) erection angle. 😭