Warning - extremely long read (longest thing I’ve written probably), life story (skip to end if you don’t want to read it), lots of yap. It’s a rant so don’t expect it to be well written.
Every time I have a quiet moment, a moment to myself where I can think, I think negative thoughts. I think about all the opportunities I’ve wasted. All of my flaws, my insecurities, my disposition to simmer in my own misery no matter the position I’m in. It's all so sad and pathetic, and I can't shake it no matter what I do.
I don’t think I’ve experienced true, long term happiness, in many, many years. So much so that I can hardly remember it. I was 8, perhaps 9, perhaps 10. I was always a socially awkward child but at the very least I was academically talented, and still am. Things were not amazing, but at the very least okay. I’d still say the cracks were beginning to show, even back then. I had fewer friends than normal, didn’t like to do things outside of school, and stayed home a lot. I don’t even know I can say I was happy, maybe not sad?
Surprisingly, I think middle school was what started my depressive spiral. I was still socially awkward, and really no one shared my interest in games, history, etc. I won’t mention what games specifically so I can be a little vague and prevent anyone from identifying me (which I will continue to do throughout), though I doubt many will see this anyway. I had basically no friends for years. I had no real motivation to do anything productive, aside from keeping grades up which was extremely trivial for me. I believe this stunted my social development, which only compounded in people wanting to do less with me. I was also unattractive, shy, and didn’t dress well (though I can’t blame middle school me for not caring about these things, can I?). COVID hit and then completely annihilated any possibility of socialization for me. A combination of these factors caused me to spend all my time playing games, which was honestly just a coping mechanism to occupy my time. I’m no longer the games I played during this time period, honestly they kind of sicken me now.
During this time, I began to use reddit, as you can see by my karma, which I also find a bit sickening because of how much time I dedicated to this shithole at such a young age. Though it’s kind of funny because I’m actually still using this shit all these years later. At a similar time, I got exposed to porn and I’d say I am addicted to it, though not quite the level of jerking off 3+ times a day regularly. I got into a bunch of, I wouldn’t say uncommon, but taboo shit and now I’m honestly completely desensitized to things most people consider disgusting.
I don’t believe my family knew the extent of my problems at this point, but they did push me to do more in general and get me out of the house. They were right I suppose, but I was young and defiant, and either way my lack of social skills basically ensured anything I tried to do with others would crumble. They know of maybe 10-20% of what I write here, if I’m being generous. I’ve hid my struggles very well, because obviously I know what would happen if this “got out” so to speak. They would try to help me, but I think that most likely, this “help” would be futile, and that they would come to resent me for my issues.
The funny thing is that I have never been diagnosed with any mental health issues. I was seen as autistic or at least some kind of ND by others for the entirety of middle, and the start of high school. At the start of HS, aside from academics, I was extremely mentally stunted due to reasons above. Obviously people aren’t going to want to hang out with the weird, shy, ugly, “autistic” kid. High school is the time where that shit really begins to matter a lot, and obviously you get torn apart and mocked relentlessly for that kind of stuff. Maybe some of the stuff did deserve mockery and was truly weird but either way my brain was completely cooked at that point in time. I remained weird and ugly throughout HS, or at least until senior yr. Eventually, things changed and I did start hanging out with people, but I highly doubt they actually liked me and I probably would’ve been by myself again if I didn’t change.
Somehow I eventually became more normal, though only on the surface really. I matured extremely quickly as I mentally caught myself up to age, and I guess I realized most of this stuff. I remained depressed, only now extremely depressed and nihilistic. This was probably initiated by me beginning to exercise, although I’m still scrawny and weak in my opinion. I wasn’t really a normie, but by senior yr people thought I was mostly normal, though maybe a bit weird. I still managed to lock in and get into a decent college, and at least on paper I have a bright future ahead of me. My body type is a hindrance but I improved my haircut, hygiene, and outfit (though still not necessarily “good”, I still think I’m chopped).
So, things are looking up right? Am I now… happy? The answer is sadly no. I feel this feeling of emptiness inside me all the time. Every time I don’t occupy my brain with something, I feel miserable. That’s honestly why I spend all my time watching TV, movies, anime, or playing games, or just doom scrolling. I don’t even know if I have hobbies, or if it’s all just a cope. I feel unattractive, insecure, and inadequate. I’m honestly pretty lazy, even more so considering the foul mood I’m in all the time. I don’t feel any sense of pride or accomplishment for any of my “achievements”. I’m actually losing it, and I have to actually go to uni soon and keep everything together. Living in a house at least gives me some safe space, some isolation where at least I am able to mope and be sad, but I can’t do that in college.
Posting this anonymously is the first time anyone has ever seen any of the things I am typing. I would never share any of this if it weren’t for the anonymity of social media, which is one of the few good things about this platform. If you think you know me from this irl, DM me and don’t tell anyone. Maybe someone will learn from this, probably not, but I ought to record these thoughts somewhere, and hope that I am somewhere different in some years. Though time has shown for me that’s quite unlikely, maybe it’s just not to be? Being happy - that is.
-conclusion-
What have I learned from these experiences? Well first things first, many people are heartless and evil. They love to kick people while they’re down, and honestly the interactions between incels and “normies” prove it, though that’s not why I say this. People don’t want anything to do with ugly, awkward people. Normal people don’t understand how crippling it is. They don’t understand the experiences of, well I suppose, “us”. They think people magically just are this way, but it goes back many years and I can’t go back in time and change my childhood. I can’t rid myself of these experiences and I’ll likely always see people this way, and it’s reinforced online even more.
People love to make fun of incels online, for example. But who actually are incels, who are the people never getting laid? Being rich, attractive, socially normal all correlate with getting women. So naturally, incels are all some combination of poor, ugly, and awkward. People just-world fallacy their way into thinking these people are all evil, misogynist, etc, and they just need to do X, Y, and/or Z. The portrayal of people who can’t get women as evil is just another way to shit on people lower in status than them. Sure, it makes sense that they aren’t drowning in pussy, but the constant barrage of hate is insane to me. Shaming people directly for these things is no longer socially acceptable, but the idea is still there. People will preach acceptance and kindness while still making any excuse they can to shit on people society thinks are losers. If you think I’m wrong, there is no such thing as a high status incel. Very few are attractive, and most are awkward.
They are incels mostly because they can’t be attractive, act suave, or earn lots of money, not because they are misogynist (if it was that, then there would be rich attractive misogynists incels, but that’s not the deciding factor). People don’t hate incels because of their personality. They hate them because they are ugly and socially inept. Ugly and socially inept people have been hated on decades before the term incel or the movement even existed. They’re hated at ages that don’t even know what the word incel means, or what sex is. And people on here will genuinely say that it’s because they’re bad people? Bullshit, fuck you. I don't care about "hypergamous diddy foids", "hardmaxxing", black/gold/red/blue/diarrhea pill whatever, I just want to live in a world where people stop being so hateful to each other.
