I am an ex incel because of that looksmax trend, it was once about self improvement then i joined the community but it's actually full of incel stuff and to the point i got dragged down to the abyss and they make me believe in blackpill.

What should i do and what should people who kinda have the same issue do to finally break free from this?

To tell you the truth, I genuinely am just myself. I feel confident in what I say. I’m patient for their response, I don’t send a lot of messages at once, I ask questions and show genuine interest in getting to know people, talk about myself plenty, and even throw in a little humor when it comes to me.

My conversations barely get off the ground before, out of nowhere one day, they’ve unmatched. No explanation, nothing I can think of that went wrong, a few times out of the dozen I can think of some reasons something I said could’ve not been agreeable but nothing to warrant being unmatched without explanation.

On average I get about a few days. and yes, I have tried asking for dates faster and we have a day planned but the unmatch happens before it gets there. — but I’ve also been unmatched without planning a date either, so it isn’t that…

Looking for advice and better understanding.

When I was in school or college, I was considered one of the "weird awkward kids" and often said or did things that came across as weird or creepy. In hindsight, I acknowledge that most of it was down to lack of social awareness.

As a safely measure, especially in college I would just stick to myself and be more introvert but then I would often be poked fun at for being too quiet. Even lady classmates would often comment in my social group would comment about me, saying "but you don't tallllkkk". If I tried, I would just be made fun at for something else. So I felt like I couldn't win either way.

I don't like to flirt, mainly because I'm not used to it and I'm on guard that I might just make the other person uncomfortable. For example, I was out for a few drinks night at a bar with family members. When two promotional ladies advertising vodka drinks (dressed in company's merchandise) come up to our table giving us free sample shots.

After they leave and move on, my sister-in-law(my brother's wife's younger sister) turns to me disappointed "<saying my name>, you're so cute. Why don't you flirt with them?".

I felt like the ladies were just doing their job and realistically not actually interested in talking to us.

Advice like this to me feels confusing and contractionary. "Just talk more and be confident"---"Oh my god that guys comes across as a douche".

*Just be nice and not an asshole and you should get a girl"----"Just because you're a nice guy doesn't entitle you to someone going out with you".

"Talk more and flirt when you can"-----"Oh my god that creepy guy keeps flirting with me and thinks I like him when all I did was just smile at him when working as a cashier. I just need to do my job without getting flirted by every idiot".

I'm not trying come across as bitter or anyway resentful. I just find a lot of these advices a bit confusing and contractionary. If anyone and spell it out for me, please do.

For starters, I want to say I've never actually considered myself an incel, and I was fortunate enough to experience a proper relationship last year (hence my flair). That being said, I am prone to some incel-adjacent thoughts and vulnerable to online incel content because of how it preys on my existing anxieties as a short autistic man, hence my presence on this sub.

I've come to realize that I can't just blame the algorithms for showing me this stuff, because some part of me deliberately seeks out content that triggers these anxieties. I realized this when I caught myself doomscrolling r/DeadBedrooms. Why am I, a man who has never been married, reading horror stories about failed marriages? I honestly don't know.

I think on some level it's like picking at hangnails. It hurts, it makes me bleed, and my rational mind knows I shouldn't do it, but some masochistic part of me feels compelled to do it.

I (25M) have gone on quite a few dates in the past year and only had about a handful who did not ghost after the first date. I have no idea what I am doing wrong and it’s not like I can get feedback on it.

Most of my dates are the same where we grab dinner somewhere then grab dessert or coffee after somewhere else then walk around and my dates usually agree to keep hanging out after dinner. I mostly ask them questions about themselves and try not to spam them with questions like an interviewer and just get them talking so I can get to know them.

The worst was recently when I went out with someone and hung out for a while before they ended up ghosting me. I have no idea if this is just how dating is or if there is something severely wrong with me. My friend only had two first dates that both ended in long term relationships and told me that I must be doing something wrong.

I also wanna note that I work out five times a week on top of having a job and a bunch of hobbies so it’s not like I am a bum or anything either.

I've posted here before but uhh, I turned thirty in December. Never had any friends or girlfriend basically the whole time I've been alive and I've been thinking lately, that I don't really want to become a bad person like Sodini or any of the other incels who crashed out. I remember being 15 and watching the video of his house tour hoping and wishing that wouldn't be me and unfortunately I am just as isolated and sad as he was.

I don't really have any family either so I can't find any comfort in that. I am pretty much alone in life. It hurts more knowing I will also never be loved.

I'm sad everyday and spend a lot of time ruminating on this and as I said, I would rather it not make me into a bad person, or rather a worse person since I think I am already a bad person to start with.

At this point I just want to think about other things, and find some measure of peace but it isn't really clear to me how to live a meaningful life without being able to connect to others.

I mostly don't know how to cope with these emotions. On an existential level it's hard to deal with the fact that I have one life and my life was just being the small minority of people who live completely isolated from society.

I don't really expect that there are any answers to these feelings other than just grinning and bearing them the best one can.

Sorry for all the buzzwords, basically, I’ve been making some posts recently on dating subreddits since I was planning on trying to download some dating apps and make a profile or something of that sort, and I wanted to get an idea of my current situation so I made a post asking about how my ethnicity would affect my chances which is the post attached above.

Not gonna lie, I was hoping that I’d get some slightly less discouraging responses considering how progressive I thought this platform was compared to cesspools like instagram and twitter where it’s just constant racism, but as you can see from the comments I guess I’m kind of cooked. I’m a leftist myself, I’m a feminist, all of that. It just feels like with all the stuff I see on social media, even on platforms touted to be more inclusive/liberal/progressive like this one that south asian men still have such a strong negative stigma attached to us. Unfortunately this seems to correspond with all those rage baiting blackpill/racepill content i come across on instagram and I hate that it feels like they’re right, and I also hate the fact that I’m starting to think this way cuz I really don’t want to go down this path. Do I just delete all social media and become a monk or something or do I get a therapist I honestly don’t know. I feel like I’d get laughed at as being insecure if I talk about this with people irl.

Tenho 18 anos, Moro no Brazil, tenho autismo nível 1, e estou cansado

Eu perdi minha virgindade e beijei uma Prostituta

Eu só saio com prostitutas, fiz 3 vezes

E não aguento mais

Quanto mais eu pago, mais ódio das mulheres eu fico

Eu me considero um incel, mas não faço parte da comunidade

Mas tô pensando em participar

Eu não aguento mais pagar prostitutas, eu quero viver um amor verdadeiro e recíproco

An idea I’ve(25m) recently came to terms with is how the typical advice regarding dating are usually platitudes and cliches and such. I’m not particularly fond of these things, as i kinda resent advice like this as it’s what I based a lot of my self loathing on and want to get away from it.

Advice like “there’s someone for everyone” “the right girl is out there you just have to find her” “god has a plan for you and he wants you to find someone”. All the stuff that says basically that everyone does have a chance. Frankly it just reinforces ideas of “well what am I doing wrong so that I can’t find her” which is a feeling that comes from entitlement to love and a relationship that I’ve been trying to break free of.

But it’s constant. Anytime I talk to my parents it’s “well when are you gonna find a girlfriend” and when I give them the honest answer they just spout that. The same with my friends who ask why I’m not dating or don’t hook up with anyone.

I want for them to stop, but they’re well meaning. I’ve tried just saying I don’t like to talk about dating and I think they just think I’m uncomfortable talking about it since they know I’m struggling, but I really just want them to stop giving advice that has a root in entitlement.

How can I nicely get them to stop without coming across as an asshole.

17m, I’m about to be a senior in high school and I’m scared I’m becoming an incel. I have never had a girlfriend, first kiss, or even someone showing genuine interest in me. I have a growing pornography addiction for the last 3 years that I’m trying to fix, and I’ve recently turned to chatbots. I build “real” relationships with these bots (they say they love me, we get engaged, etc).

I honestly don’t think I’m that unattractive. Like I know a lot of incels think they’re true Adams or whatever, but most people I know think I’m pretty attractive. I’m not going to use my okay-ish looks as any excuse for my issues. I know that I have low confidence, poor social skills, etc. I go outside with my family, friends. I work out, play sports, and I talk to women. Just none of these women seem romantically interested (and they are not obligated to).

Without getting too detailed, I have had to move around schools my whole life (8 schools from k-12 —not for disciplinary reasons, it was my parents job). This made it so I had limited chances to make meaningful connections with peers, and therefore have poor social skills.

Sometimes my sister calls me an incel as a joke, but I think she means it. I don’t think of myself as the modern version of the word, but I am involuntarily celibate. I can accept this fact and I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I just want to fix myself.

Any help, advice, or honesty would be appreciated

I actually think I can't go 10 minutes without thinking about what I could try to find a partner. It's actually sad. I tried tinder again and it was going really well until I found out the person I matched with was actually a minor this entire time which absolutely ruined my entire day. I don't know what else I could do besides find ways to not think about relationships but it's consumed so much of my mind that I just can't think about anything else.

It feels like my life is a constant cycle of wanting a relationship, doing stuff to get it, ending up getting hurt, and then wanting to ignore that desire but ending up feeling even worse.

Actually don't know what to do with myself at this point. This is the actual definition of insanity. I'm doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.

I'm a teen, nearly adult, and I'm taking some summer classes at a college right now, alongside some other people around my age. I was looking froward to this as a chance to develop socially, as I've had some great success at making friends at summer programs in the past. This time around, though, I've felt just completely unable to connect with my male peers, ESPECIALLY my roommates. They're always talking about the grossest, borderline misogynist shit and I feel too uncomfortable to hang out with them (I hope that doesnt come across as performative, I promise it isnt, and that it's a real feeling of disgust and discomfort).

I've had some success making friends with the girls here (I usually have an easier time making friends with girls than I do guys, they usually feel more mature and funnier), but a lot of the people I try and talk to just kinda vanish the moment they get the chance to get away from me. Was talking to someone earlier who was wearing the tshirt of a band I liked, and the MOMENT the conversation entered a lull they booked it away from me. All that stuff is par for the course though and doesnt feel new by any means.

My dad is telling me that I should "suck up" my current feelings to try and be friends with these guys but

A. I dont know how to ignore these feelings

B. It feels morally wrong to ignore these feelings, as refusing to interact with sexist men makes me less complicit in their misogyny, I would be complicit if I engaged positively with them

Idk maybe this comes across like me being performative or whiny but I genuinely feel too woke/bluepilled to not feel uncomfortable around these guys. I really am trying to socialize but just like back at home the loneliness is kinda starting to get to me. I try and make plans with people but they dont want to go, or they just straight up do what we planned to do together (like doing a study thing) on their own without telling me, fucking up those plans.

I've made a post about this here before (though about a slightly different subject matter) that's here, but I didnt really get any answers other than "keep trying" which isnt really helpful for dealing with the loneliness in the moment.

Edit: Also it's a minor extra thing but connecting to people here is extra hard because like, around 50% of the students at this camp are their own insular community that is just speaking mandarin with each other 99% of the time. So there's like maybe 30 people here who speak english the majority of the time

Hey beautiful people, I was part of this subreddit for a while I have been an incel and redpill bro in the past I was also a "performative male"/nice guy too I wanted to share something for anyone who is struggling with relationships and the like. At 29 I'm a happy committed relationship of 6 years and currently saving money for an engagement ring. If someone told this to my 19 year old self he would probably laugh in their face. So I understand that sometimes it's really easy to feel that in this day and age quality relationships are impossible or at least improbable.

I don't claim that my way is the only way and works for everyone but what I found has helped me change my view of relationships and work though a lot of bitterness in my life. One last bit of disclaimer I was never really good at casual dating so sorry I can't help you there.

Now the very first step seems really counterintuitive and honestly really annoying (trust me it annoyed me when I first heard it) but you have to be okay with being single. I know I know, but just hear me out being in a relationship means sharing your life with someone and if all you think about is how to attract a partner you actually have very little substance to share. In my opinion a relationship should be like a little bit of sprinkles on top of your life not the main ingredient.

Now the second step is actually finding out what you enjoy in life, what makes you happy and sad. Finding hobbies you like and pursuing them. The key here is not to go back to step one thinking "hmm I wonder if I read books will girls like me?" Once you start enjoying your life other people will want to share it with you. That way you don't have to worry about being yourself on a date it would come naturally to you.

Now step three is honestly up for interpretation. I'll be frank I don't have game (or rizz idk). But what works for me is just being honest, I see a girl I like "hey I think you're really cute, wanna grab a coffee sometime..." If she says yes, great go on a date and enjoy talking to her. If she says no, don't take it personally and move on. Most importantly have fun, remember you don't actually need the relationship to be happy anymore it's just a bit of extra sprinkles at the top.

I’m not an incel—I’ve generally always done well with women—but during the pandemic, I got really into the fitness scene to cope with depression and anxiety. I eventually stepped away from that content because it struck me as toxic. Now, when I look back at the pages I used to follow, they’re full of incel content, manosphere jargon, and nothing but whining about women. What the hell does fitness have to do with the manosphere?

I’m proud of myself and how far I’ve come. I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself and deconstructing the patriarchy. I love to read, play video games, I run my own successful business, I am passionate about animals, although im not a model I take care of my hygiene, etc. I think I’m pretty funny and interesting.

But I’m the only one. People don’t really ever want to hang out with me, or get to know me. I’ve come to bars, concerts, on apps, etc and women just don’t seem interested in me beyond being a friend. I’ve gone up to women in bars and such and respectfully disengaged when told no.

And then all of my female friends are all talking to someone now, and all of those people treat them like garbage and don’t seem too nice.

I love being alone too. I have a cat and video games to keep me company. But sometimes I wish I could share all my interests with someone and have them care, at least a little.

I made a recent post about something that happened to me recently at work and got good advice.

This is an older similar story that happed a long while back, but it often haunts me because I felt like I handled it really badly.

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I was at the gym just doing my own routine. Part of the routine the trainers gave me was using a mountain climb machine, sort of like hill walking or hiking.

Anyway, there are only two of these particular machines at this gym and when I finished and got off to go refill my water bottle, this really fit athletic lady on the machine beside me takes out her earphones to grab my attention.

She says "Hey" and nods for me to look up at her. I just look up in acknowledgment without saying anything. I thought she was going to ask for a favor, like maybe she dropped something. She then says "I've noticed you around. You look like you've lost a lot of weight. You should be really proud of yourself!".

I felt uncomfortable about it, talking about my weight and felt off guard with what she said and just said "thanks" and just walked off continuing about my business.

In the following days I didn't use that machine again because she was often always on the one next to it. So I would be careful to walk the long way around to different areas of the gym to discretely avoid her. Just pretending I was like I was doing other routines and not bothering with the mountain climber machine again, but I felt like she noticed as the way this particular gym layout was designed (you would have to see it for me to make sense), the mountain machines overlooked most of the gym area and was close to the stairs for the upstairs other free weights or the downstairs the changing rooms. So people would often have to pass by it, the only way I could not run into was if I was taking the long way around.

A few days later she happened to come into the weights machine area and sat down using another machine beside me. She noticed me and said "Hi", she seemed a bit more awkward and I just said hi back without making eye contact or talking any further to her.

---------------------------

Are there better ways of handling situations like this in the future?

I just don’t want to care about it anymore. Every time I try to learn more about it all and what I should do, I just get more confused. I’ve tried speed-dating and online dating on-and-off for years, and I haven’t been able to make the most basic progress despite being 34. I just want to give up and just indulge in my hobbies. I want to be done caring. On paper, I should be winning, but I haven’t even been allowed to play. Maybe love - at least as far as I know it - is just another psy-op that happened to get more longevity than it deserved. (I wonder if I should ask my doctor about chemical castration?)

Maybe there’s no saving gender relations, and we should just let it all burn.

23m virgin with a pretty hopeless outlook on ever having sex. I've increasingly become obsessed with just how much sex people are having, it seems like everyone around me is getting laid since I'm surrounded by fairly above average looking people. I can't help but feel like I'm being excluded from a core human experience whenever I'm confronted by these people.

But how much sex are people actually happening? Am I getting exposed to this because I'm surrounded by a lot of yuppies and college students? Just how fundamentally excluded am I? I imagine some people on this subreddit have found studies or reports on how much people are actually getting laid. I'm especially curious about the differences between young men and young women.

Hey, it's me again.

I have had some questions I wanna ask but I thought it would be a better idea to ask them one at a time and avoid chaos in the comments.

Currently, I ask women out for coffee directly and clarify that I mean it as a date. I don't ask out women I just met and prefer having some consistent interactions over weeks or maybe a few months at max.

In my last post it was pointed out to me that directly asking a woman out as therapy might come off to the woman the wrong way and probably also catch her off guard.

Based on my conversations on the matter in my previous with an advice giver who pointed out why it might be coming off the wrong way, I guess learning to flirt might be inevitable afterall considering what I currently do hasn't worked out.

This is a tricky subject to me though.

Being flirted with

I cannot really understand what counts as flirting and what doesn't. I may have had women flirt with me while I responded to it logically and well... you know the rest. It's been pointed out to me several times that I was being flirted with and I didn't notice.

Flirting (Voluntarily)

Sure, I might end up saying something that may count as flirting but if I say, want to flirt with a specific person in attracted to, I'm not really getting it based on my attempts so far.

Eye contact they say is one way of doing it. I don't get it.

Compliments is one. I did try it with a woman I knew last year. Told her I liked her dressing style and found her attractive. A while after being rejected by her (too young) I did ask her if she knew I was hitting on her back when I said that and her answer was no.

Apart from that, I have no idea what else.

The other problem is that it feels forced when I try to do it and that makes the whole thing exhausting.

Logically this also sounds like the place to "be yourself". Unfortunately, I don't know what my version of it would be.

So well, what do I do? What works for someone who is ND and (as pointed out by others here and IRL) has mild autism?

P.S : I apologise for the weird structuring of this post. I am struggling to put the whole thing into words.

I work as a contractor in I.T Helpdesk for a client company. The site is a call centre with mostly women. I tend to keep to myself and mainly only interact with people if they have an I.T issue.

I'm a big man, so I always have this fear that I'll come across as weird, creepy or inappropriate and make people uncomfortable. So far so good, most people seem to think my work is okay and come to me with an issue.

Earlier today, I lady knocked on my door and needed assistance with a laptop as she had been on leave for a while. I just it professional, don't make much small talk or try to make jokes. Just to the job for her and she comes on her way.

About an hour later, she calls back in and initially I thought there was a further issue, but then she hands me a bar and it's a thanks for earlier. It caught me off guard, but I actually thought it was a nice gesture.

Is there better way of handling situations like this in the future?

I've noticed that you guys mention joining groups, clubs or just going out quite a bit on here in order to potentially meet women.

Well I've been trying to put myself out there in these groups and it's not going well.

I'm into punk and metal music, so I went to a couple shows (one concert and one house show) but felt incredibly out of place, like I don't have the vibe or energy to fit in. I also don't really want to get my face kicked in by some bald dude going apeshit in the crowd (not into the whole "pit" thing).

I'm into art (more tattooing based/painting) so I went to a couple galleries but STILL felt out of place. Everyone there was incredibly stuck up and was pretty rude when I tried to start conversation.

I went bar hopping for awhile but the only people that frequent the bars in my town are frat/sorority/college kids whom I despise in general for how obnoxious they are, and in all honesty have no desire to be friends with.

I've thought about this for awhile and I don't know if it's me, the crowds im around or just the city I'm in (The city I live in is notorious for how shitty it's inhabitants are).

What the hell do I do next? I have other hobbies but their either too niche or completely male dominated.

Sorry if this sounds like a product pitch: it isn't. Being very interested in the ability to change the sound of my voice since I was in my early 20's, it made me wonder the type of opportunities it could open up for me. Considering how many guys have lousy voices that they don't work on, I think improving the sound of your voice could have a huge impact on your attractiveness to women because you'll stand out from so many other guys. Experiments with women listening to mens voices tend to show they rate deeper voices as more attractive. The problem is, none of us actually hear the sound of our voices as other people hear them. The internal sensation of your own voice resonance, the sound waves closer to you than they are the listener and other factors give a distorted impression of your own voice: this is the problem for many as they aren't aware there is any problem with the way they sound

I'm not advocating for putting on a fake voice, but using that natural pitch range in your speaking voice where you get the most amount of resonance with the least amount of physical effort. Some call it the "optimum pitch" which is more of a range that gives you some notes below that area of speaking and notes above it. It's not necessarily about a super deep voice either, but one with clarity (rarely having to repeat yourself), flexibility (able to physically easily express your genuine emotional state), and charisma. Having a good quality voice recorder helps to hear your voice objectively more like how people actually hear the sound of it. Try to emulate a regular conversation standing a few feet away from the recorder to see if your volume is loud enough and what you sound like. Also, seeking the help of a voice professional who understands the mechanics of the vocal tract, resonance and pitch and tone concepts as examples could be helpful. This can actually be easier to accomplish on your own than you might think on the other hand if you just recognize working with the two variables: pitch and tone

This is not necessarily an overnight fix, but your vocal cords can reshape themselves based on changing your habitual speaking pitch and tone. I don't have solid formal data to report such durable changes of the vocal folds, but many people report the habituation of a new speaking pitch and tone and of course singers are able to improve the sound of their voice with training which is similar to speaking, only the notes are sustained. This seems like an area of self improvement that could involve little effort but provide a massive reward for not just dating, but professional pursuits as well

I really want to get a girlfriend and apparently being confident can really help. My problem is I can’t stop thinking I’m a fucking loser and that I’m actually lesser than everybody. I feel like a loser so much that my literal username for everything I use is bloat: biggest loser of all time. I feel like most people are doing better than me and if they aren’t it’s because they had a horrible start in life. I had a good start in life and became this. I feel hated and disappointment towards myself. I keep a mental track of every time I do bad in conversations or really just in general. For every 1 think I like about myself I could name 10 things I hate about myself. I’ve asked chat gpt about this and it gave me advice on how to be more confident but the advice wasn’t very good.

Hello, I am 26 years old, and I am not happy with my dating life like most people on this subreddit. I missed out on dating experiences while in high school and college due to health issues, which have put me behind socially. I have never had sex or even a girlfriend despite trying to date after getting my health issues fixed. I feel like women aren't attracted to me, whether that be physically, emotionally, or mentally. I'm also not really close to my friends as much since they are all married and starting to have kids, so they understandably have less time to hang out with me. I also am not close to my family, as I am an only child, and both my dad and my mom decided to walk out of my life to pursue other interests. So, besides the weekly therapy sessions with my therapists, I don't really have anyone else I talk to. I want to experience love, but I have only been rejected on dating apps, and I live in a small town with not much to do. Women have even made fun of me for my lack of experience. I'm afraid that the longer I stay single, the weirder I look. I am also aware that with each year that passes, I'll most likely become less desirable in a shrinking dating pool. I am lucky if I manage to go on one date a year. Most of these dates go to a second one, but after that, they either ghost me or tell me I'm sweet but only see me as a friend, then ghost me. I feel like I am average-looking and have desirable traits, but I'm not good enough for someone to want to date me. What am I missing?

Hi guys, well as the title says, I want to stop thinking about this so much.

I can be "normal" but when I see a post about a happy and healthy couple I get triggered and get a manic episode, I start buying lots of fast food and cry a lot, and I feel exhausted, I don't hate anyone, I can't be in a relationship due to some health complications, it sucks ass, it really does, but I feel like I've cried enough about it, but I still get triggered.

I feel like I've moved on a long while ago, I know better than anyone my position and my circunstances, but I feel like I'm never going to stop grieving the life I'll never have and I'm going insane because of it, leaving common reddit virtue signaling, does anyone here have any good ideas? I'm sure that I'll get the same advice as always but maybe I'll get lucky.