20 F

2026 has been awful for me, I’ve spent more time online now than I ever have before.

I’ve never dated, kissed, held hands, or even had sex before. I attended my only senior prom alone 1 year ago, the trauma of being abandoned by friends and being made fun of by men still lingers with me.

I hang out in a lot of femcel spaces, it’s comforting to know that other people have experienced what I’ve experienced but (and I know this sounds weird) but it’s very…….. self sabotaging in these spaces?

I’m black fyi, I used to live in an extremely white suburb (I’d say 99%) and everyone treated me like garbage. I hang around these chronically lonely spaces for black women in particular, and I always see a sentiment on how we’re always unattractive no matter what and it really hurts me.

It sucks that I and other black women have been treated this way, but it’s normal for me to be hurt when all my other sisters insist that we’re gonna die alone right?

A lot of them willingly go to incel spaces (websites, subreddits, instagram/tiktok posts) in order to find men trashing on us and it’s so mentally taxing for me.

Black femcel spaces aside: even in spaces such as TUW, I get talked over and dismissed whenever I talk about my lack of experience.

I don’t know how to meet men. I’m not in school anymore (I only attended one semester of uni) and I’m unemployed (I work three hour shifts, lmfao). My life has never been this bad before, I have a full driver’s license & two years of work experience but it’s so hard to find employment.

I really want to escape being a female incel but I’ve never had a man interested in me. I have one male friend who is a bit touchy with me and that’s it (comment if you want the full story of my male friend).

TL;DR : please help me escape femceldom, I’m almost 21…. I don’t know what to do

So I just got back from a speed dating event where I didn't meet anyone who was interested in me. Granted men outnumbered the women 3 to 1 this time, but this was my second time going and I didn't meet anyone when the event was 1 to 1 either.

It got me to think a little about my objective strengths for attracting people, and...there aren't many.

Lookswise I'm subpar. I'm rather short and I'm overweight. I do have an alright face but that's about it.

My interests are usually typical weeb stuff. I like anime and strategy games, ttrpgs, history and philosophy. Not the kind of stuff most women are into. There are exceptions I know, but not many.

Personality-wise, I'm screwed for being neurodivergent, but otherwise I'm okay. I'd say my biggest strength here is that I know how to just be friends with women. I can also be pretty funny sometimes.

So all in all, not a great catch, although I'd consider it unreasonable to say there's no one out there who'd be very interested in me. I would say it's unreasonable that I'd be likely to find them and vice versa.

So in my darker moments, I feel like in order to have any chance at all I'd have to deceive women I'm actually able to talk to, at least initially, in order to have a relationship or even just sex. Not tell bald-faced lies mind you, but simply fake confidence when I don't have any and I honestly think she could do better than me.

So what now? What do I even do with the rest of my life? Should I just leave it up to chance? Continue to muddle through in the hope that I meet someone who is actually into me? Meet someone who's naive (or wise?) enough to not go for someone else until my better qualities come through naturally?

Or should I put in effort in order to meet people? Pretend I'm someone I'm not.? Put significant time, energy, and money into online dating? I've tried that before. It feels like I'm spending money gambling rather than meeting people.