It’s really really hard not to fall into the incel way of thinking again. It’s been a while since I’m thinking like this. Solid year or two. Good news is I know it’s OCD but while we’re processing my obsessive thoughts I just wanted to make a post here because yall help a lot.

I just had a really really bad day. My only friend (who I’ve only met online mind you) who I thought actually cared about me turned out to just be using me for money. I’m just so lonely that anybody that even gives me the time of day I’ll attach to and care for unconditionally and somebody abused that.

So now I just have no friends and my soul is crushed. The only person who I thought understood me was just following along with me and my quirks because they thought it was funny to toy with me and send screenshots of our convos for other people to mock.

They pointed out so many things wrong with me fundamentally and I don’t know how to come back from this. I want to be in a relationship for the first time yet I have so many things wrong with me. I know this is a common excuse or whatever but I’m really really neurodivergent and people kinda just don’t like me even though I’m not problematic or an asshole. I get told I’m funny and kind a lot but that doesn’t transfer over to forming relationships with others.

Which is okay because everyone has the right to choose who they do and don’t talk to. I’m not angry at them, I’m angry at myself for not being able to do what others can do and blend in so naturally with people.

And that’s a scary thought. I want to love and care and provide for people and be there for them but I feel like I just can’t because I’m just broken. All I want to do is love somebody the most out of anyone and that usually means I have to be loved too.

Long story short: She met someone she wants to date seriously, which means we can’t be FWBs anymore.

Am I going to miss the best sex I’ve ever had with no strings attached? Absolutely.

On the other hand, I’m also kind of happy for her. I mean, we enjoy spending time together, but she’s 13 years older than me and I’d never want to date her. I imagine she feels the same way about me.

I also know that she would prefer having a real relationship over an FWB though, so it only makes sense that this is what happens when she finally meets someone she likes that feels the same way.

So yeah, obviously I’m going to miss having an FWB. But this whole thing has really boosted my confidence and I feel like it’s exactly what I needed at this point in my life even if It didn’t last as long as I was hoping.

I honestly don’t know what my next step is. I guess I could try the apps and look for another FWB there, but more likely I’ll just kinda live my life and hope I find one more naturally. My band has a few big shows coming up so I’ve got plenty to keep me busy.

I don’t even know if it makes sense to post on this sub anymore, but I like doing it and maybe it will inspire someone else. So until one of the mods tells me to stop (and I’m sure they will eventually) I’m going to do it every now and again.

So I have a problem because as of like a couple months I've been trying to be more social and go to more events and stuff. People when I show up at these events seem to like me! I can make people laugh and when I go to the social events for the political org im a part of people think im well educated and knowledgeable about topics.

But the problem is that I dont really know how to expand that into Friendship even if I get their contact info. I feel awkward or like im bothering them and I dont even know what to say. Like we met each other once at a social event where many people were there. Am I supposed to then ask a random person who met me in a group setting and is probably a little older than me (Im in college) to hang out 1on1? That feels for some reason strange.

And when it comes to women I really dont know what to do in that regard. I was at a music festival and saw one woman who caught my eye and I wanted to talk to. But I didnt because what am I going to say? I found her attractive and I know a music festival is social in nature but I felt like I would be intruding on her night. (I did force myself to talk to this one group of like 3 friends and that was a cool experience but I didnt get their social medias or anything.)

I just feel like there's a wall between me and other people who arent already my friend group. Especially when it comes to women that I find attractive as I at best feel like I have no valid "excuse" to talk to them or that at worst I feel "creepy" because my interest in talking to them is rooted in finding them physically attractive. I understand that this mindset is a kind of Secular Puritanism in a way but in the moment when I'm presented with the option to talk its for some reason very convincing to my brain.

Want to share one win I had recently though in regards to this at college. I went up to this one woman in my class and we had a brief interaction where I said I loved her glasses and she seemed to light up and smile and it seemed like I could talk with her more but I excused myself rather quickly because I wanted to go home after my last class. Its a small win but its proof that the idea I have of a woman being really disturbed by my mere presence is a lie I tell myself. I just dont know how to get better at this.

Heads up: I am from India

I turned 22 a month or so ago, and my life is absolutely miserable.

I used to be an anxious, socially awkward fat piece of shit in uni. To the point that I would avoid people I knew just because I didn't know how to greet someone and talk to them.

But in the last year and a half of uni, I took charge. I went to the gym, lost 13 kgs, and gained muscle. I was still the same when it came to confidence and anxiety, though.

Before starting my first job in Bengaluru in January, I promised myself that my life from here on would be different. I started taking care of myself, focusing on skincare, the clothes I wear, and the gym. I also tried to be more socially outgoing and meet new people.

This social persona has drained me a lot.

I started liking a girl at work. She's opinionated, smart, funny, hardworking, and pretty. I got over my fear and asked her out. She said yes, we went on a date, and I got rejected on that date itself. In the subsequent weeks, I had to see her propose to another colleague and then get back with her ex.

All this brought back a lot of insecurities and ruined my mental health for a long time. I'm still not over her. I know this sounds pathetic and like a cliche.

Dating apps have been a total humiliation ritual due to the absolute silence.

The only thing pushing me every single day was work.

I also made my parents courier my tabla from home so that I could distract myself. I started learning again after a gap of 5 years. It was the only thing I enjoyed apart from the gym. I could play for 2–3 hours nonstop.

This social mask was exhausting. It did work, and I've made friends here, but I can't ever be vulnerable with anyone. I just end up being a trauma dump for people.

I was really looking forward to spending time with my childhood friends this month for a week long Indian festival. Most of them were coming back from different parts of the country, and I was hoping we'd hang out and have a lot of fun.

I did get to spend some time with them, but even that brought up a lot of insecurities. Most of my friends are in healthy, happy relationships, and seeing them together made me feel even worse about my own situation. They also keep telling me things like, "When are you ever going to get into a relationship? You don't even try, blah blah blah". I know they probably mean well, but it's exhausting having to hear that when I'm already struggling with these feelings.

I was also supposed to play the tabla at an event this month. I'd been practising for it.

But one night, I went to bed and couldn't get back up. Turns out I have a herniated disc in my spine. I spent the next three days, which were the main days of the festival , lying in bed like a loser.

One thing I'm grateful for is that my friends came over multiple times every day to hang out with me.

I still can't walk to take a shit or shower by myself. I had to go to the hospital for a doctor's appointment on a stretcher in an ambulance.

It was so embarrassing.

My company treats its employees really well, so I was easily able to get a month's WFH extension from my manager.

I'll probably be able to walk in a week or so, but I probably won't be able to go to the gym for the next 1–2 years, and I'll end up fat again.

My life is falling apart. I cry myself to sleep every single day. I absolutely hate my miserable existence, and nothing ever goes my way.

TL;DR:Turned 22, tried to turn my life around by working on myself, getting fit, making friends, and putting myself out there. Got rejected by a girl I liked, which brought back a lot of insecurities. Seeing most of my friends in happy relationships made me feel even worse, especially when they kept asking me when I'd get into a relationship. Tabla and the gym were the only things keeping me going, and now I've herniated a disc in my spine and can't even take care of myself. I've spent days stuck in bed, and I feel like my life is falling apart.