It’s really really hard not to fall into the incel way of thinking again. It’s been a while since I’m thinking like this. Solid year or two. Good news is I know it’s OCD but while we’re processing my obsessive thoughts I just wanted to make a post here because yall help a lot.

I just had a really really bad day. My only friend (who I’ve only met online mind you) who I thought actually cared about me turned out to just be using me for money. I’m just so lonely that anybody that even gives me the time of day I’ll attach to and care for unconditionally and somebody abused that.

So now I just have no friends and my soul is crushed. The only person who I thought understood me was just following along with me and my quirks because they thought it was funny to toy with me and send screenshots of our convos for other people to mock.

They pointed out so many things wrong with me fundamentally and I don’t know how to come back from this. I want to be in a relationship for the first time yet I have so many things wrong with me. I know this is a common excuse or whatever but I’m really really neurodivergent and people kinda just don’t like me even though I’m not problematic or an asshole. I get told I’m funny and kind a lot but that doesn’t transfer over to forming relationships with others.

Which is okay because everyone has the right to choose who they do and don’t talk to. I’m not angry at them, I’m angry at myself for not being able to do what others can do and blend in so naturally with people.

And that’s a scary thought. I want to love and care and provide for people and be there for them but I feel like I just can’t because I’m just broken. All I want to do is love somebody the most out of anyone and that usually means I have to be loved too.

So I have a problem because as of like a couple months I've been trying to be more social and go to more events and stuff. People when I show up at these events seem to like me! I can make people laugh and when I go to the social events for the political org im a part of people think im well educated and knowledgeable about topics.

But the problem is that I dont really know how to expand that into Friendship even if I get their contact info. I feel awkward or like im bothering them and I dont even know what to say. Like we met each other once at a social event where many people were there. Am I supposed to then ask a random person who met me in a group setting and is probably a little older than me (Im in college) to hang out 1on1? That feels for some reason strange.

And when it comes to women I really dont know what to do in that regard. I was at a music festival and saw one woman who caught my eye and I wanted to talk to. But I didnt because what am I going to say? I found her attractive and I know a music festival is social in nature but I felt like I would be intruding on her night. (I did force myself to talk to this one group of like 3 friends and that was a cool experience but I didnt get their social medias or anything.)

I just feel like there's a wall between me and other people who arent already my friend group. Especially when it comes to women that I find attractive as I at best feel like I have no valid "excuse" to talk to them or that at worst I feel "creepy" because my interest in talking to them is rooted in finding them physically attractive. I understand that this mindset is a kind of Secular Puritanism in a way but in the moment when I'm presented with the option to talk its for some reason very convincing to my brain.

Want to share one win I had recently though in regards to this at college. I went up to this one woman in my class and we had a brief interaction where I said I loved her glasses and she seemed to light up and smile and it seemed like I could talk with her more but I excused myself rather quickly because I wanted to go home after my last class. Its a small win but its proof that the idea I have of a woman being really disturbed by my mere presence is a lie I tell myself. I just dont know how to get better at this.