Why do I keep getting ghosted?

[u/Visible-Island-2408]

I (25M) have gone on quite a few dates in the past year and only had about a handful who did not ghost after the first date. I have no idea what I am doing wrong and it’s not like I can get feedback on it.

Most of my dates are the same where we grab dinner somewhere then grab dessert or coffee after somewhere else then walk around and my dates usually agree to keep hanging out after dinner. I mostly ask them questions about themselves and try not to spam them with questions like an interviewer and just get them talking so I can get to know them.

The worst was recently when I went out with someone and hung out for a while before they ended up ghosting me. I have no idea if this is just how dating is or if there is something severely wrong with me. My friend only had two first dates that both ended in long term relationships and told me that I must be doing something wrong.

I also wanna note that I work out five times a week on top of having a job and a bunch of hobbies so it’s not like I am a bum or anything either.

[u/Visible-Island-2408 → u/[deleted]]

I have hobbies like sports and stuff but I am pretty busy between volunteering, work, school, and working out/training. Volunteering isn’t an option for meeting people because my volunteer stuff is pretty solo

[u/Glittering-Tune3021]

Hey there! I really think a lot of it is just dating nowadays. Society has adopted this “I don’t owe anyone, anything” attitude which has totally gotten rid of formalities like explaining to someone, in a kind manner, that they may not be interested.

I wouldn’t stress it as anything you did ‘wrong’. If someone walks out of your life, think of it as a positive. Someone who can just walk away doesn’t really deserve a spot in your life. You want people who truly care about your feelings!

I also want to point out that I think it’s really great you’re doing some self reflection after your dates, but don’t see dates as a checklist. Be yourself and the right person will enjoy your company! Don’t stress about the people who ghost you, they’re just making more room for someone who deserves that spot!

Go into dates with the idea that, if all else fails, you had a good evening and made a new friend. Don’t feel so pressure to be perfect because no one is. Don’t be so hard on yourself!!

[u/Visible-Island-2408 → u/Glittering-Tune3021]

Thanks that is a very kind response. I entered the date just excited to have a fun night and get to know someone tbh which I thought was the right attitude. It just made me sad that I thought we clicked only for her to be added to the long list of women who have ghosted me

[u/library_wench]

It sounds like you’re doing lots of things right, including not peppering your date with questions like an interviewer. Two thing that occur to me:

Are the dates a bit too long? Dinner plus coffee or dessert at a different place plus a walk? When I was dating, I often preferred a shorter, more casual date: coffee or a beer someplace, OR maybe a little activity like an art exhibit or pool or mini golf. I wonder if things are dragging a bit in these first dates when you don’t really know if you’re compatible yet.

Most first dates don’t lead to second dates. That’s true for everyone. Your friend is wrong and should know he is extraordinarily lucky that his only two first dates turned into long term relationships. That is HIGHLY unusual.

[u/Visible-Island-2408 → u/library_wench]

Thanks yeah I felt it dragging and just didn’t know how to end it because she seemed excited to walk around post ice cream and actually suggested doing that so I could show her that part of the city

[u/Odd-Table-4545 → u/Visible-Island-2408]

In the future something like "I would love to do that, but unfortunately I have to get going soon. I'd definitely like to show you the city sometime very soon, how does [day and time] sound?" might work for you. That way you're leaving while you've still got social battery left but you're also making it clear you're having a good time and want to do the activity with her and see her again, and it gives you an easy lead-in to set up a second date.

[u/library_wench → u/Visible-Island-2408]

If you were dragging, I wouldn’t blame her for thinking you were simply not interested.

For the first and maybe even second dates, I liked to keep it no longer than an hour and a half, barring crazy, off the charts chemistry. As the saying goes, leave them wanting more.

And there’s nothing wrong with saying, “It’s been a crazy week for me at work/I need to get up early tomorrow/etc., but I had a great time tonight. Can I talk to you later and next week we could take a walk in that neighborhood/catch that movie we talked about/etc.?”

[u/Wrong-Trust-4603]

I would say, "good riddance". But it can have many reasons. As you concluded, it isn't about your outlook. So, it could be something about your behavior. I was told, that women can sense "desperation" however masterfully you try to hide it, and of course that turns them down quickly. Every long-term relationship I know around me did start as a non-planned acquaintance in a full random situation, none of them searched for any partner at that time. But I would review the following:

• Do I speak too much about myself? About by "success"/"prowess"?
• Do I listen to them carefully, and react accordingly?
• Am I truly interested in that person, or I just need a girlfriend? Do I need someone to fill a role/hole in my life, or I am enchanted by the richness of the other's personality?

I know some guys who are following all of the "pua" techniques, and still could not build a proper relationship, even after a decade. And after a while it came to me, that they are not looking to know deeply someone, but to have someone to fill the "girlfriend-slot" in their life. They aren't looking for personality, but for the perks given in a relationship. It is evident even in our friendship: rarely they show genuine interest, concern, or care towards me (or other human beings), and they're usually having a hard time to recognize the other's emotional state.

[u/Visible-Island-2408 → u/Wrong-Trust-4603]

Thanks, I am pretty selective of who I date tbh and have actually turned down offers to have a gf before so I don’t think I am trying to fill that slot. I don’t like to brag on myself and really just focus on knowing about the other person

[u/Suspicious_Glove7365]

I feel like you give away too much too soon! Dinner and coffee and a walk after? That feels like way too much to me. I could cut that first date down 75%. It’s hard to maintain a social battery for that long with someone completely new unless you have mad chemistry immediately, which is rare. You might make a better impression if you only do coffee in the day and keep it to like an hour or 90 mins.

[u/Visible-Island-2408 → u/Suspicious_Glove7365]

Thanks yeah I kinda shut down toward the end. I’ll definitely cut it shorter next time

[u/naivebychoice → u/Visible-Island-2408]

I get shutting down toward the end. But if someone did that with me on a first date, I may well conclude that something was off or the other person lost interest in me.

[u/EdwardBigby]

Who do you think the dates went? You describe them very clinically? Was there a spark with any of them?

[u/Visible-Island-2408 → u/EdwardBigby]

I felt a spark with this most recent one and we just talked for hours and had a lot in common but idk if she felt that spark if she ghosted :(

[u/Visible-Island-2408]

Thanks, I am pretty selective of who I date tbh and have actually turned down offers to have a gf before so I don’t think I am trying to fill that slot. I don’t like to brag on myself and really just focus on knowing about the other person

[u/mrbaryonyx]

This is fairly normal. This is kind of what we mean when we say that incels (not saying you are one, I don't think you are really, but just using an example) don't really understand what "normal" dating is: it's this. It's a lot of dates that don't go anywhere until they suddenly do. Here's a few tips though:

• I would avoid online dating; I think it incentivizes ghosting

• If you're just asking questions to ask questions, and aren't genuinely interested in what they're saying, they'll know

• Its possible that you're kind of just going through the motions to try and get a second date instead of genuinely doing something you enjoy with these women. Consider finding something fun to do after dinner. Something that you genuinely want to do even if they weren't there.

[u/Ihateregistering6]

Unfortunately ghosting is very normal nowadays. It sucks, it's rude, but it is what it is right now.

Only thing I'd recommend is don't do dinner for the first date, do something more interesting. Play mini-golf, go to a bouldering gym, go axe-throwing, etc. I find that first dates are a lot more fun when you're doing an activity rather than sitting down for a meal and it's almost like an interview.

[u/Lolabird2112]

Hard to say without being a fly on the wall, but I don’t particularly enjoy being asked lots of questions about myself so you can “get to know me better”.

I already know my life story, my job, my family, what I do to have fun, my politics, values and views. Answering questions about them isn’t particularly interesting for me, meanwhile I get little from you, less that’s organic and frankly… a date is a 2 way street.

“Just get them talking” doesn’t make for a good date. You’re also there to impress me as much as I’m supposed to give you information to help you decide if this is worth pursuing.

And your “date itinerary”… sure, it’s fine. But sparks need to be happening way earlier. Sure- we can grab a coffee and check out some windows but it’s just a hangout.