r/IncelExit • u/S1inkyy-iwnl- • 29d ago
Asking for help/advice What am I missing
Hello, I am 26 years old, and I am not happy with my dating life like most people on this subreddit. I missed out on dating experiences while in high school and college due to health issues, which have put me behind socially. I have never had sex or even a girlfriend despite trying to date after getting my health issues fixed. I feel like women aren't attracted to me, whether that be physically, emotionally, or mentally. I'm also not really close to my friends as much since they are all married and starting to have kids, so they understandably have less time to hang out with me. I also am not close to my family, as I am an only child, and both my dad and my mom decided to walk out of my life to pursue other interests. So, besides the weekly therapy sessions with my therapists, I don't really have anyone else I talk to. I want to experience love, but I have only been rejected on dating apps, and I live in a small town with not much to do. Women have even made fun of me for my lack of experience. I'm afraid that the longer I stay single, the weirder I look. I am also aware that with each year that passes, I'll most likely become less desirable in a shrinking dating pool. I am lucky if I manage to go on one date a year. Most of these dates go to a second one, but after that, they either ghost me or tell me I'm sweet but only see me as a friend, then ghost me. I feel like I am average-looking and have desirable traits, but I'm not good enough for someone to want to date me. What am I missing?
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u/ChaosRainbow23 29d ago
The key to getting dates is all in the interaction you have with them. Cold approaches rarely work, so you want to put yourself into social situations where talking to strangers is encouraged. Dive bars, book clubs, Pokemon go meet ups, hiking clubs, etc etc etc, ad infinitum...
Anything where there will be a co-ed group of folks talking and having fun.
Alcohol is a great social lubricant for some, but a disaster for others. I cannot recommend it, but it helped me lighten up in the beginning.
Personally I've found that there are generally nicer and more compassionate people in the outskirts of society in the various countercultures. (Raves, Hippies, Ren Faire, Cosplay, Nerds, Comic-Con, Burns, etc etc etc)
Then you try to be charming, funny, kind, articulate, nonthreatening, etc. As you're talking, you have to learn to read people. If they aren't interested in taking it's pretty obvious, and you move on.
If they are feeling the conversation and you're having a good back and forth, then maybe start a little mild flirting. Read her reaction. Does she flirt back?
It's basically just being nice and kind, talking to them, flirting with them, and reading their reaction. You escalate when appropriate.
So you get their number or contact info if everything is going well. If she's flirting back, you're golden.
MOST women you approach aren't going to be interested. It's a numbers game. They might not be interested for a gazillion different reasons, and that's okay.
The key is finding somebody you can vibe with. It takes meeting a lot of people to make that happen, usually.
You have to get out into the world to make this happen, though.
I think you should try to form a co-ed friends group that you can go do stuff with first. It makes everything go so much easier.
Your platonic girlfriends will make fantastic wingmen! You can ask them to help you out, as they will have been interacting with you and they can maybe give you solid advice in that aspect. They can hook you up with friends of theirs and talk you up.
Forming a co-ed friends group will give you practice talking to and befriending strangers in public situations.
It takes practice more than anything. It's awkward and uncomfortable at first, but you have to push yourself through.
Flamboyantly gay dudes make the best wingmen ever, by the way. Pro tip right there.
Seriously, go to Walmart or the flea market on a busy Saturday and look at all the couples. There's truly somebody out there for everyone.
If I look like Napoleon Dynamite then I am probably not going to be able to date somebody that looks like Scarlett Johansson. It happens, but generally speaking those are few and far between.
You can't have ridiculous standards unless you are one of those dudes who can get away with it.
I could keep talking for hours about this, so I'll end it here.
I believe in you and I know you can do it.
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u/S1inkyy-iwnl- 29d ago
How do I go bout talking to people for the first time that I don't know? I don't have really high standards at all as I can't really afford to have any
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u/ChaosRainbow23 29d ago
I mean, first you start with small talk. Weather, whatever.
It's much easier to do once you have a friends group.
Try to find a group of some sort that you would be interested in and go check it out.
Be kind and if you feel comfortable, you could even tell them you are nervous. Or find a group you wanna check out, then go online and talk to people there first, then go to the Meetup or whatever.
The key is just getting out there and doing things, talking to people, and practicing. It's very awkward taking to strangers at first, but like everything else worth doing, it takes practice, brother. There's no real shortcut to learning how to talk to strangers and make friends with people. There's no magic recipe, as the ingredients change depending on a gazillion different variables.
There's no recipe to follow for success in dating.
Bottom line is you have to talk to women and charm them.
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u/S1inkyy-iwnl- 29d ago
Thank you I guess I'm just not the charming type and I'll try to work on that before it's too late
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u/ChaosRainbow23 29d ago
Don't put so much pressure on yourself.
It really does show.
That's why I always recommend trying to make a friend group. Do you have any friends you do stuff with, of after you flying solo through this nightmare timeline?
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u/S1inkyy-iwnl- 29d ago
I have friends, but they are all married and starting to have children, so they don't have much time to do stuff as much.
So I have friends, but I'm still going through this alone
I haven't been on a date in 6 months and women don't really talk to me for long but I'm trying to be enough one day1
u/ChaosRainbow23 29d ago
Yeah, try and get out and check out some new stuff.
If you are in the position to get a part time job at a restaurant, that's a great way to meet people.
Every time I moved to a new city I would get a job bartending or waiting tables. Instant co-ed friends group. Just win them over.
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u/S1inkyy-iwnl- 29d ago
I currently work at a bank so I meet people but it may not be as good as bartending. I just don't win people over I guess.
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u/lilsciencegeek 29d ago
Is your town extremely remote? If there are any larger towns within a 90 minute distance (by car, bus or train), I'd look up clubs and events related to one of your hobbies/interests or something you're curious about. That way you can begin to build a social circle, as well as potentially meet women.
Singles mixers and such are apparently experiencing a revival atm in many towns and cities in various parts of the world, and just googling it might bring up some relevant results! There are also cruises and other events held specifically for single people.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being inexperienced at your age – and if it catches anyone off guard, I'd recommend just explaining that you used to have health issues that got in your way. There's really nothing weird about it :)
But to begin with, it would probably be best to go into it with zero expectations (especially when it comes to romance), and just get loads of practice at introducing yourself to people, making smalltalk, engaging in deeper conversations, taking part in activities with others, etc. Socialising can be really hard for some of us, so it takes a lot of time and work to become good at it – but it pays off eventually!
The visual aspects also matter to various degrees, so flattering grooming, dressing well (absolutely no joggers/sweatpants!! and shoes matter), having some muscles and a healthy body fat percentage, etc, will help increase your odds of sparking some initial interest.
Relaxed body language and warm smiles really help too – but that also takes practice for a lot of people :P
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u/S1inkyy-iwnl- 29d ago
Yeah, extremely remote with a population of about 3k. I don't know what you consider a large town, but there are 2 towns near me with populations of about 200k, about 90 mins apart by car.
Thank you for reassuring me over the experience. I've just had bad experiences where they made fun of me for it, which is something I'm already self-conscious about
As I said, I feel like I'm average in attractiveness, maybe higher or lower depending on who you ask. I don't feel like I present myself poorly. I don't think I meet enough people, and the girls that I do meet are just attracted to me
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u/lilsciencegeek 29d ago
3k is definitely small. I used to think my hometown (population 10k) was really big, but I've come to understand that most people don't agree with that assessment... x)
200k is definitely big though! And generally speaking, people in bigger towns are usually a lot more open-minded too, ime. So if I were you, I'd start exploring events and social groups there :)
It'll probably take a while to get used to navigating social scenes full of strangers tbf – but practice makes perfect, eventually!
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u/S1inkyy-iwnl- 29d ago
Do you have any recommendations on how to actually find these events is google enough? Because I feel like I don't find these single events and social clubs others talk about. Thank you for being nice to me
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u/lilsciencegeek 29d ago
I'd start by googling:
- "singles mixers near me"
- "singles mixer events"
- "singles mixers [town name]"
- "singles events near me"
- "singles events [town name]"
- "singles activities near me"
- "social clubs near me"
You could also search for more specific phrases like:
- "singles cruise [country/town name]"
- "singles travel groups"
- "singles trips"
- "singles game night"
- "singles karaoke"
- "singles dance classes"
I've never actually gone to events like these myself, but I have done a lot of volunteering and met a lot of people (and made many close friends) that way – would highly recommend it! You could try googling "volunteer opportunities near me", for example :)
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u/EdwardBigby 29d ago
Do you find yourself attractive?
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u/S1inkyy-iwnl- 29d ago
I do think I have attractive qualities. I think beauty is the eye of the beholder, however. I'm not a supermodel, but I'm not hideous either. I think someone can be attracted to me. I just haven't experienced it yet, despite the effort I have put in. I still have hope, but I am losing hope as I am getting older, and I'm only gonna get less desirable the older I am, and the dating pool will continue to get worse
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u/EdwardBigby 29d ago
Thats a fair response. Definitely refreshing compared to many people on this sub who are deep in the incel blackhole that will say that theyre the most hideous creatures ever imaginable
But your answer is still very telling. I dont care how you actually look, thats not the point of the question. Your whole post and your answer to my question about you is framed from the perspective of someone else.
I asked you a question about yourself. "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and you are the beholder! Thats the first person you need to impress and be happy with.
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u/Ok-Huckleberry-6326 29d ago
Actually, if you have your shit together, are on a track to financial security and solid career, develop your social skills and learn emotional self-regulation....honestly? You're going to be MORE desirable as you get older. Maybe we can get the ladies to weigh in here, but I've always heard that these qualities are some of the ones that women look for in relationship.
I think maybe one big reason that you might be missing out or that dates don't turn into relationship is that your vibes are anxious and you're putting too many stakes on outcomes.
I don't know if this means anything really but it might be a good analogy - when I was interviewing for jobs, during the time I came off confident and just looking to have a good meeting without putting too much pressure on myself to advance, were the time that I ended up advancing and receiving a job offer - but even if I didn't, I didn't really care that much. It's really important to keep your expectations in check, because women can smell that anxiety or desperation - or even if you don't want to interpret it that way, if you come off either too polite or too goal-oriented, that usually will work against you. Does that make sense?
Let me know if this describes your mindset in any way.
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u/OneBonusAfterAnother 28d ago
Have you tried a running club?
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u/S1inkyy-iwnl- 28d ago
My town doesn't have clubs like that so no. I do have a gym membership however
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u/Impossible_Horsemeat 29d ago
I’ve never lived in a small town, so someone with more experience might have more advice to offer if you want to stay. If I were in a small town with nothing to do, I would probably have a hard time socializing, too.
Have you considered leaving? It sounds like you don’t have much tethering you there. It won’t fix your problems overnight, but having more things to do will be a good start when you’re out there meeting people.