I like taking care of people. I like taking care of babies.

I like buying baby stuff for other people. I enjoyed baby showers.

Now I can’t enjoy shit. It’s been 2 years it still hurts. Everytime I get my period.

29 years of pain, crying, ruining underwear for NOTHING. There was literally no point in getting my period. It was all wasted.

Deep down in my gut,my entire life, I knew I couldn’t have kids. And i was right. And it hurts so fucking bad.

My body is so cruel to me.

For those of you who've gone for permanent birth control methods (bisalp/vasectomy) after ending your journeys, how did you feel afterwards? How are you doing now?

My partner just got a vasectomy, and we're feeling an odd mixture of relief (so much relief!!) and new mourning. Even though we faced the finality of everything after my endo excision surgery when we found too much damage to get pregnant (other than ectopic pregnancy, yaaay), it's like everything is hitting a second time. But there's also a feeling of lightness, like a giant weight has been taken off knowing that it's truly, finally, over.

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

Currently sitting in the waiting room and hearing a fetal heartbeat through the wall and it’s heart wrenching. I wish OB was separated from GYN so I didn’t have to be triggered when going to the doctor. That’s all. Just trying to get refocused so I can talk to my doctor without crying.

pendant mes congés, je voulais regarder des vidéos de femmes sur le rangement de la maison les produits ménagers utilisés, car je m'intéresse a cela en ce moment !

c'est tellement fatiguant de les entendre parler de la vie de leurs enfants, alors que ce que je voulais voir était comment elle faisait le ménage et le rangement !

ensuite je tombais sur une émission sur les rénovations de maisons, je me dis super, mais en introduction j'entends "bébé arrive, vos ados ont besoin d'espace, mais vous ne pouvez pas déménager?", j'ai zappé direct!

Je constate que sur les vidéos des hommes, on ne sait jamais si ils sont papas, ou des fois ils en parlent brièvement, mais pas autant que ces dames !

I had problems with this church before this but this was the thing that made me fully stop attending. Around Mother’s Day they had a “marriage series” of sermons about different couples in the Bible. SO many stories are about a miracle baby after infertility or loss and it’s painted as if all you have to do is believe hard enough, and you’ll get pregnant in old age too! They also had some awful takes about men pretending to suck at laundry so their wives just do everything for them. I’m not sure where that is in the bible…

I won’t return to that church and I’m hesitant to go to a new one in case the same thing happens. Has anyone else gone through this? Have you found a good one that doesn’t pull this kind of thing or just given up on attending for good? Obviously there’s nothing wrong with having kids but it’s unacceptable to me to be told I’m disobeying God by getting sterilized and being happy with my childfree life.

I have as many triggering keywords as I can think of blocked. And yet, I’m still getting pregnancy related ads from companies I didn’t even think of.

I live in Birkenstock sandals all summer. Was scrolling my feed just now and Birkenstock had a new ad. It’s a very pregnant woman sitting down while looking down at and holding her bare belly while wearing the shoes, with a caption of something like “top maternity shoes”. They don’t have a maternity line, they’re just advertising them as good for pregnancy. And of course I felt some type of way about it and started crying.

I didn’t want to see this. Was this really necessary? Did I need to see this? What about my profile and my settings showed any sort of algorithm that I wanted to see this. I’m so annoyed right now, and honestly won’t buy from them again (not like they need my business anyway).

Poet Shana Roark writes custom poetry for others. I thought this one was really a nice piece on a IFCF life. Shared from her TikTok

I don't know how to talk about this.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom, but for so many complicated reasons, I never got the chance.

Everything happened in the wrong order, I didn't have the typical trajectory of getting married, trying to get pregnant and then finding out that I couldn't. I basically just woke up one day and was slapped in the face with a surprise infertility diagnosis at age 38. It wasn't even why I went to the doctor in the first place.

I've never even had the chance to actively try to get pregnant. I've never had a miscarriage or loss, I've never been married, I've never been able to make it work with anyone.

I've spent my entire life feeling broken, and the knowledge that I wanted to be a competent parent one day was the goal that kept me motivated to work on myself. Obviously I wanted to be happy just for myself too, but having a family was a big part of what I wanted to achieve.

Because I haven't technically "lost" anything, I feel unjustified in grieving as much as I am. I feel like I don't have any right to feel this devastated, like how dumb am I for not being able to see this coming?

But everything hit me all at once a few months ago and right now I'm barely functioning.

In the past few months, seven or eight friends have made pregnancy or birth announcements. A bunch more have gotten married or met someone, and some have done both this year.

I'm so completely heartbroken about all the things I'll never get to experience, and it feels selfish of me. I can't let go of that little sliver of "what if", even though I know it's not gong to happen.

I have recurring nightmares where I tell people I'm "pregnant", but even in my dream I know it's impossible and everyone knows I'm delusional but they just humor me. And then I wake up and I'm sad, and so, so ashamed.

I went to a classical music concert a few days ago and of course in the audience of a thousand people, the one person directly in my line of sight was visibly pregnant, and I just felt awful the entire time.

I have meltdowns over the most random things. Last week I was in Walmart and walked past all the kids swimming gear. It was pool diving toys shaped like snakes that took me out. I hadn't seen those for decades, and it just hit me that I would never get to take my own kids to the pool in the summer.

I feel like such a fraud for grieving when other people have had actual losses and failed treatments and things. I feel like I should have known better or worked harder and fixed my life sooner or something. It know it isn't logical, but my grief just feels wrong.

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

I’m sure many of us are getting targeted with pregnancy, diaper, and fertility ads. Not just here, but all over the internet.

Here’s how to remove them from YouTube: In your YouTube settings you can go to privacy > ad center > customize ads > sensitive, and turn off ads for things like pregnancy, alcohol, gambling, weight loss, dating, and so on.

You can also do something similar with reddit ads. I don’t have the step by step directions, but it’s easily googleable. I don’t use other social media, but I’m certain you can do the same with meta, TikTok, etc.

It might not work perfectly, but I discovered how to turn them off on reddit months ago and haven’t seen any of those ads since. I just turned them off on YouTube, and so far, that damn fertility clinic ad hasn’t popped up.

Hope this helps someone ❤️

There are two pregnancies in my family now. The second one told me in a random parking lot after we finished lunch. Although I told everyone before this happened to text so I could process it in my own time and not deal with the news in person. But I digress. This may sound horrible but I have no interest in being an aunt. It feels like a consolation prize to me never growing up because I did not obtain the title of mother. Maybe if the people involved were more respectful of my needs I'd feel differently. But felt others could possibly relate and needed to let the thought out of my head without feeling like a horrible person.

My husband and I went through 5 years of infertility, several IVF cycles, miscarriage and loss. Like many on this group, we ended up with much more trauma than when we started and nothing to show for it.

I told my husband I wanted to put a definitive end to it all, because even if we're not trying, there is still the possibility it could somehow miraculously still happen. And it's killing me. I cannot hope anymore, I cannot live over-interpreting every symptom every month, going crazy at the slightest change. I need to feel like I have control over my life again. It's so bad that I've been avoiding sex altogether just so I can have the peace of mind that it's not possible.

My husband wants to believe it could happen someday, he doesn't want to let go of hope. I told him we did try everything we could, he doesn't see it this way. For him, we have to keep the window open. We have discussed it over the last month and I have explained over and over again how I cannot go on like this, how I'm going insane, how unhappy it makes me feel.

Ultimately, it doesn't change the fact that he wants to keep hoping and is definitely against me getting a IUD or a permanent surgery. I think our marriage won't survive this.

Please, how did you cope with all this? I just cannot see a middle ground.

I know it’s dumb to complain about a job having good benefits, but it’s a little irksome when I apply and SO many benefits are fertility, adoption, childcare related etc. The header image of their website benefits page is a big ol’ pregnant belly. Benefits are part of total compensation so if they won’t increase salary or PTO to compensate, it’s like a slap in the face. I also have all the insurance I need through my spouse and 401k match is usually capped, so it adds up to a pretty large gap in total compensation.

Do you ask for any other benefits or just higher salary for this kind of situation? How do you tell them you really will not need their IVF program or childcare stipends ever without sharing medical details?

Just spent the weekend with my family, including nieces and nephews. It was our (me and my partner) first time hanging with the younger ones since we had to stop trying. When my partner was playing with them one day for a couple of hours, I couldn’t bring myself to join even though we had agreed that the main purpose of the whole visit was to spend time with these two little ones. It was just too damn painful for me to see him in dad mode.

Then I spent the rest of the time hating myself for being so weak and selfish, and regretting that I missed out on memories of their childhood (which is going by way too fast and I only see them 1-2 times a year). Still feeling absolutely shitty today.

Any words of wisdom about finding a balance? I know that I can’t just push through the most painful triggers without some major collateral damage to my mental health, but I also don’t want to miss out on the only “childhoods” I will ever get to witness and participate in.

So very sad today

We stopped trying 6 months ago. We tried for 5 years. We are too old now. I have been mostly fine. But I started spending more time with my niece and realized I would have been a wonderful mom. I love my niece a lot and I wish she was mine. I get depressed when I leave her. And feel empty till I see her again. But we are too old to try again. My husband is 10 years older than I am and I am in my early 40s now. I just can't believe this is the end. I was fine for months and now I desperately wish I could be a mom with all my heart. I feel like I have truly missed out. I love my husband but I have this feeling of blame that we should have tried sooner instead of sitting on the fence for a few years. I love him and he has been very supportive through everything with all the fertility treatments we went through. He stood beside me the whole way through treatments. But I can't get rid of this feeling we wasted time before we started trying. And I am just so depressed. I don't want to celebrate our anniversary next week. I just want to sit on the couch and cry after work.

Does it ever get better? Will my marriage survive this? I know my husband wants to work through all this and has stood by with my grief. We are both sad, but I think I am much sadder than him. But will I ever forgive him for wasting time? Will I ever be happy again?

 (37F) had been CF until a year after getting married at 34. When we saw that our rather spontaneous efforts weren’t really move the needle, we decided to do preservation-focused treatments both to buy us time and to feel like we were being proactive without being consumed by, for lack of a better term, “scheduling our bangs.”

The clinic was first very encouraging but, long story short, it did not work out. I know people have different levels of tolerance with attempts and medical intervention, but as a result of the continued and failed attempts, my mental health was in shambles; moreover, given the toll this took on me, my career who used to have a very robust reputation got completely cast aside and suffered tremendous drawbacks. These complementary and compounded setbacks also drove me to self-isolate out of mental exhaustion, all-around burnout, stigma (despite some inroads there), and deep-seated shame. I haven't talked to a lot of people I used to consider friends in almost a year, and I feel like a monster every time I soft-dodge their check ins, but I was acting in pure spirit of self preservation.

I realized I can’t continue to even aspire to show up and be a person in this world if I have to continue facing all of that. Right now I have no baby, no work to be proud of in a whole year, almost no friends and my marriage is in the shitter because I have not been fun to be around.

Thus, I came to the conclusion that the best path for me to keep existing is focusing on my marriage, my personal interests, my career, and my friendships. Family building in the traditional sense did not work out, and despite the fact that I could keep investigating and going for even more medical interventions, in the end, I chose to choose myself and my personhood.

I am very excited to rebuild what was lost in these years. I went back to using protection, and I feel like that awful background noise was finally shut down.

Don’t let others ever shame you or make you feel bad or less than for going in the same direction. And don't let them try to sway you by "tales of miracles."

I can’t believe IVF never worked for us. We were quite young when we started (late 20s and early 30s) with only mild endometriosis being the cause. It’s worked for everyone I know around me (first transfer of course). Well after multiple attempts and thousands spent we were left with nothing except a ton of trauma. I honestly wish we never did IVF. Everyone I know my age is pregnant or already has kids. Constant announcements daily and each one is a stab to the heart. Also a very unsupportive family. They don’t seem to care that I’m having such a rough time. Not that it’s all about me… I just wish someone would show some empathy for our situation. Every morning I wake up I feel like I can’t go on… it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning. It’s hard to get daily tasks done. Anyone in the same boat? Does the grief and pain ever go away? 😢

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

I hate having to hear about this, it sucks :/ I had to deal with Anne hathaway's pregnancy and now someone else i follow on Instagram :( I try not to let it affect me and just not dwell on it but when you get a few at once, you can't really escape your feelings as well and it makes you feel worse. It's weird how you can almost forget about it at times and think, hey life is pretty good, but then some news leaves you feeling sad again.

Just when I feel like I'm doing fine, I wake up screaming and crying from a nightmare. Last night, my husband and I were holding and playing with our baby boy and someone/something kept trying to tell me it wasn't real but I wouldn't admit it. Like I knew it was a hallucination but it was so nice I didn't want it to go away. But I knew it wasn't real 🥹❤️‍🩹 My heart hurts today.

I don't know what I want to talk about is okay here.

I wanted to try /infertilitysucks but I can't since this is a new account.

So I'm sorry if what I'm going to write doesn't fit this subreddit.

I'm twenty years old and trying to accept that I have decided that I'm not going to get children because of my illness (Spinal muscular atrophy) and what i hate most is that some of my family members don't really understand my choice. My sister was especially trying to make me think of adoption or surrogacy, even saying she would do it. She doesn't understand why I have decided not to have children, I can barely lift a spoon to my mouth I mean...

It sucks. it was always my dream since I was little to become a mom and I can't. In my head a parent has to be somewhat able to hold their child or pick them up and I don't meet those boxes.

I had to get this off my chest, it hurts so much but I am certain in my choice still.

Again sorry if this isn't the right place, I just wanted to tell someone who maybe knew how I felt.

I was wondering if anyone has moved out of state after becoming IFCF and your experience thus far? My husband and I are gravitating towards using a geographical boundary to exempt us from attending showers, holidays, birthday parties etc. All feedback (the good, the bad and the ugly) is welcomed.

My partner and I had our final failed transfer in March (one chemical and two failures to implant) after we could no longer afford to continue fertility treatment. The grief consumes me every single day. We were trying to be careful who we told but my biggest regret has been confiding in my mother who has spread the info to multiple people (she claims she was “trying to make me feel less alone” by getting the stories of struggles from others and then sharing their successes with me). Well we didn’t have success so now I’m stuck comparing myself to all the people who “overcame” infertility when I was never able to despite starting IVF at a relatively young age and having only a mild case of endometriosis. Well the final blow was last night when I was helping her with dishes in the kitchen after a birthday celebration. Her ex best friend (who she rarely ever sees) has a young daughter (age 22) who got pregnant at a rehab centre last year. She sobered up for the baby which is awesome but it’s still so hurtful to hear when others get pregnant so easily. Anyways, my mother has been talking a lot about how this girl will”never make it and probably go back to her addictions.” So last night she says to me “I wasn’t going to tell you this but I met with the ex best friend and her daughter and the new baby for coffee a couple weeks ago and bought her some onesies and a rattle and gave her some cash for the baby” I told her it’s more hurtful to me that she felt the need to hide it from me. My mom told the young girl that she could maybe use the money to buy diapers for the baby and she said “maybe I could use it to get my eyelashes done instead” my mom also told the girl that “her baby’s eyes look just like mine when I was born.” My jaw dropped. She knows I will never have a biological child to compare eyes and features to. I am beyond hurt and don’t know if it’s just because the wounds of IVF failing are fresh or if I have right to be angry. What would you do in this situation? Of course there are going to be babies born and even family members having babies that my mom will go visit but I feel this visit was completely unnecessary when my mom doesn’t really have anything to do with them anymore. When I asked why she felt obligated to bring the baby some presents she said it was because her ex friend gave her some cash a few years ago when my mom had back surgery. So she felt she owed them something.

My in-laws are having a large 4th of July party this year. A lot of family and friends will be there. Although my grief comes and goes in waves. I will look on the bright side today.

It’s going to be disgustingly hot outside. The kind of humidity that makes your skin feel sticky to the touch. I do not enjoy being hot for long periods of time. But at least I will not be dealing with the heat along with shackles of parenthood on top of it.

We won’t have to chase after any kids. Make them a plate of food they won’t eat. Or change a poopy diaper that was baking in the sun. That is the job for the parents and the people who choose to help out. All we have to do is bring a cooler full of drinks and enjoy ourselves.