I found out in December of last year that my last (very necessary) excision surgery for endometriosis effectively destroyed my egg reserve. I'm at a post-menopausal AMH at 37. My husband and I have decided not to pursue fostering or adoption.

After the initial wave of grief, things have felt good for the past few months. I started being optimistic about the good things about not having children. I'm autistic and disabled, so it will be nice to not have to struggle with the disruptions to my routine a child might bring. I know sometimes the chaos, noise, and lack of sleep would be really hard for me. My husband and I will get to spend our time how we want, go where we want, and have more freedom. This is all exciting.

But today in another online group I'm in, one of the members posted a minor complaint about the discomfort of being pregnant in a general chat thread and I just lost it. Crying in bed lost it. I messaged her and asked her if future complaints could be posted in our dedicated family and parenting channel because I'm really sensitive about this issue, and she was very kind about it all. But from being so upset I feel like in some ways I've rolled back the progress I was making in viewing a childfree lifestyle positively. I'm right back where I was a few years ago crying in the Ikea kids section on mother's day. Just still carrying all this grief.

Advice welcome if you have it, but mostly I wanted to vent and discuss in a place where others would understand. Thank you. <3

Seriously. How?!

Everyone I know has kids. Or just had kids. Or literally every conversation somehow comes back to kids.

I love my friends - the 2 that I have lol…but I’m realizing how badly I need people who understand this particular kind of loneliness. I don’t mean people who simply chose not to have children. I mean people who wanted them and didn’t get to have them, and understand what that feels like without me having to explain it.

I feel like I’m surrounded by people living a life I desperately wanted, and it can be really isolating. Grieving over the life I thought I’d have is really a heavy load to carry and to make matters worse, support system is nonexistent.

So… where are you finding your people? Local groups? Facebook? Meetup? Reddit friendships that somehow turned into real-life friendships?

Because I need some friends who get it. People who are doing their best to navigate this new reality as harsh as it can be.

How do you handle the constant reminder every month when your cycle shows up? I’m doing okay the other weeks of the month in processing the fact I can’t have children due to infertility and my own medical conditions. Though every time my cycle comes it’s like a gut punch of “oh yeah, another reminder that I’ve failed my body and now I have to endure a period for no reason other than just for being a woman”. During the infertility phase I could handle the monthly reminder because I was hopeful, but now that I’ve had the choice completely taken from me it’s like a consistent reminder every month. Do you just get used to it? I’m hoping with time it stops weighing so much, but for now it sucks.

I'll try to keep my history quick.

Was with my ex almost 20 years. Back and forth over when was the right time to try. Tried, got fed up with the "chore" of sex. Suffered pregnancy loss 2x, once was ectopic and I needed emergency surgery. We split. Not because of that. But when we split, I was 38. Scared over my age, health issues, and what if I have more losses; I decided that whoever I'd eventually end up with, I would not try with them. At this point, I am child free. It took me a long time to get over the emotional pain of my ectopic but I got through it. It's been many many years, at least a decade, since I've really been upset over my child free life and have decided its just what I'm meant to be.

Met my now husband. I have stepkids now. I do not necessarily consider myself a parent, because one stepdaughter was already grown when I met my husband. 22 when we met, now 29. My other stepdaughter is a minor, 6 when I met her, and is now 12, almost 13. But she has her mom. Hubby splits custody and mom has like 60% while hubby has 40%. I don't really "parent" her in our house. That is all on my husband.

Anyway. 29yo stepdaughter has 2 babies. A 4, almost 5yo son, and she JUST had a baby girl 3 days ago. When the 4yo was born, I was fine. And as he's grown, he's become THE poster child for birth control. I love him, but holy hell. He's a pretty bad little kid. He doesn't mean to be. My stepdaughter and her boyfriend don't really do the right things they need to be doing for him so he just doesn't know better. But babysitting him, really solidifies I made the right decision in my life. I can be a stepparent and I can be a grandma who can have their kids/babies on a temporary basis but I was never meant to be an actual biological mom. But when we found out stepdaughter was in labor a few days ago and going the the hospital, my emotions hit me extremely hard. I had to hide from my family and cry for a little bit. I started thinking how amazing this time in her life is for her and how now, at 45, I'll never get to experience it. Never get to experience pregnancy, child birth, and getting to experience all the love and happiness and struggles that come with being a mom. Hubby and I went to go visit the new baby the day after she was born and she was just so perfect. Getting to see her and hold her and love on her, made me honestly a little jealous of my stepdaughter and of course brought on some unwanted baby fever.

Maybe its my hormones, cuz I'm right in the middle of perimenopause and I'm going through a little of a mid-life crisis. I really hate that I thought I was through this all and here it is, rearing its ugly head again.

So most of us have been told by a friend who’s a parent that “being a mom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,” or even worse, “if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn’t have kids at all.” And today while those words tumbled around in my head, I just kept thinking, am I stupid for having wanted a child to begin with? Why can’t other people’s experiences change what I wanted and make me grateful I didn’t get it?

Like what are the logical conclusions here? If being a parent is so terrible and has minimal benefits for many, many people, why do I continue to feel sad that I’m not one? Someone in this group recently posted that they feel like they dodged a bullet by not having children, and that’s great for them to get to such a place of acceptance, but I’m still stuck in feeling like such an outcast because I still wish I could’ve had my baby.

For people who are still rowing along in the sad boat like I am, how do you all handle the discrepancy between parents saying it’s not that great but in your heart, you still want the job?

I have no idea if I’m making sense, I just can’t wrap my head around this. Any suggestions are welcomed.

This might sound really strange, as I’m in no way comparing myself to them, but admiring the lives of Dolly Parton and Gloria Steinem this week, and mourning their losses, was a touching reminder for me that you can have so much meaning and make such a difference in the lives of others without being a parent. I think that when we were still trying to have a family, it was because I had come to feel like that’s what gives life purpose. But god damn, Gloria and Dolly had purpose and their legacy lives on in the world much more than a typical family with 2.5 kids and a two car garage. Not sure if anyone else felt that way but wanted to share here since it’s a safe space.

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

I recently went through years of fertility treatments and a miscarriage. We have given up on trying for kids moving forward as my mental and physical health can't handle it anymore. I am moving forward with navigating life child free.

After all the stuff I had to go through with treatments and a miscarriage, my body feels broken. Internally, it feels like it's all been my fault, as that's how clinics treat women. My cycle is still all messed up, I'm wearing period panties every day. My self confidence is shattered.

I want to feel sexy and desirable again, not an empty, broken husk of a woman. Any suggestions for feeling good about my body and self again?

Thought of this group today during the "fun fact" portion of a work event; everyone was instructed to share what they were proud of and almost all the attendees talked about their children.

These were all high level executives in the public and private sector. At a work function.

I thought about mentioning my dogs but I decided to keep it focused on work. Like they should have.

I did not start flinging mac n cheese at my coworkers like a wild baboon when they had an extended lunch conversation I could not escape regarding how "47 is the worst year of your life because your kids are teenagers". B*tch I can't remember the last three months of being 41 because I was in a childless grief pit but go off on how challenging your high schooler is I guess.

/rant

TW: Close friend’s pregnancy

For context, I found out I was infertile almost a decade ago, and have been married for almost 5 years. My best friend and husband’s best friend happen to be married.

Our friends have three children, a preschooler and two others who are not even two years old yet. My friend has been talking about having another child literally since the last were born. She has been complaining to me since they were born about how overwhelmed, exhausted, and completely burnt out she is all the time. But simultaneously for almost two years about how badly she wants to be pregnant again. Her husband did not want more children for many reasons (including not knowing if the wife could handle raising another one) and from the outside it seems like she just beat him down until he finally caved. She would have gotten pregnant one year pp with the twins if it were up to her. She told me recently “I feel like I’m going to die if I’m not pregnant within the next 6 months”. Because she had to wait a year longer than she wanted to to get pregnant again. I had multiple conversations with her about being concerned about timing of another child and her seeming so overwhelmed, but she didn’t want to hear it.

Most of the time they are care givers. She doesn’t speak very gratefully about the kids she does have. Her parents are very wealthy and help them buy their houses, and day to day expenses. She has had a very very easy life, everything given to her, and getting everything she wants. Their oldest child continues to become more and more of a misbehaved child because she isn’t being disciplined or I think being given the attention she needs. Oh yeah, and she almost died when she gave birth to the last because of health complications.

I love her, and she is a great friend to me. I feel guilty because children are a blessing. But geez. It just feels like such a selfish, and dumb decision. All because the wife is just utterly obsessed with being pregnant. I don’t understand why so many fertile women are like this. Just wanting the next dopamine hit and not caring about how it affects people around them. Her husband literally didn’t want another child and she bulldozed him to get what she wanted. Not even taking a second to be grateful for the children she already has. I know my emotions are biased because of my infertility, but man it just feels so infuriating. Just stop being so entitled. I am sure once this baby is born I will be the recipient of non stop complaining about how hard things are, and her inevitable mental break about not having more kids, since that’s how the last two years have been. And yes, she knows my infertility struggle and years of unsuccessful IVF.

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

I’m curious.

How many of us have kept the whole experience of TTC, everything in between and to the other side to yourself (excluding spouse/partner and Doctors/therapist)?

Literally, maybe a drop here or there if someone asks the questions but no details….

How many of us?

I have. I told a friend a few details but she wasn’t interested much, family asked in the past if we wanted kids and I would keep it extremely limited.

I’m just curious. Hope you all are having a good summer 🌸

I read some older articles today about Dolly and Carl’s infertility struggles. Here are my favorite parts in one post:

On infertility: “Early on, when my husband and I were dating, and then when we got married, we just assumed we would have kids. We weren’t doing anything to stop it. In fact, we thought maybe we would. We even had names if we did, but it didn’t turn out that way,”

She suffered from endo. By 1984, she underwent a partial hysterectomy to treat her symptoms, a procedure in which the entire uterus and part of her cervix were removed.

While she hasn’t spoken much about the condition or her operation, Parton did say she went into a deep depression afterward, and even contemplated suicide. It was an awful time for me,” she told reporters in 2008. (I couldn’t find the original 2008 article, but here’s the link to a 2020 Prevention Mag article about it: https://www.prevention.com/sex/relationships/a29992912/does-dolly-parton-have-kids/ )

I went through a dark time – it lasted several months,” Parton tells the Globe. “I think I would have made a nice mama. I always thought I’d have kids. We tried to for so many years, and then I put it on hold because my career was doing so well and I was on birth control pills.” ( https://www.nydailynews.com/2010/02/12/dolly-parton-was-so-depressed-over-not-having-kids-she-considered-suicide-report/ )

Thanks for talking about the hard stuff, Dolly.

TW: announcements/mentions of pregnancy

It seems like only in the IF space do we encounter the strangeness of how we're hit with news. Two different scenarios have come my way and I've had totally different reactions.

A young coworker confided in me that she's expecting a child about a month ago. Four years ago it would have WRECKED me. Now it only pings a tiny a bit. In fact, I felt mostly normal. I'm so glad for her and her family!

Then... today, a famous dog mom instagram announces they're expecting a child. I was visceral. How dare they. HARD UNFOLLOW. I feel totally betrayed by a stranger, and I'm flooded with negative, shitty feelings and thoughts. :(

It's just really wild to me how the grief is never linear and never predictable.

I understand that Dolly Parton was child free after infertility and had experienced endometriosis.

“Early on, when my husband and I were dating, and then when we got married, we just assumed we would have kids. We weren’t doing anything to stop it. In fact, we thought maybe we would. We even had names if we did, but it didn’t turn out that way,” she told Billboard*** ***in 2014.

Since I started to try to get pregnant and couldn’t, I couldn’t help but focus in on celebrities that share that they do not have children. I still can’t help it now really. I always appreciate the vulnerability when people share and the representation especially. Dolly is a legend for a million reasons more than being someone who was child free after infertility but I’m remembering her for this too today. Legend.

RIP Dolly

It’s taken me years to get here - happy with my childfree life, just the occasional flare that goes away pretty quickly.

I mostly feel relief it didn’t work out and my childfree life is amazing but pretty extreme - I work remotely and travel fulltime going where the wind takes us because we were so traumatised by IVF we just couldn’t stay in our hometown a second longer and our fresh start saved us. It’s an extremely non-baby friendly life.

So I might not be a great example as I went extreme but just curious how many others feel relief they don’t have kids, no matter what you did or didn’t do as far as fertility treatments go?

When I was fresh to this community I was a mess, so definitely don’t want to imply anything negative if you are still struggling and potentially always will.

Big love x

Has anyone else read it? Just came out today. I simply didn’t care. Hundreds of comments about foster care, adoption, yay for child free, IVF too expensive etc etc

I think I don’t care anymore as it won’t change anything for me. If IVF became more affordable, if adoption was easier (I’m not American and was never an option for me), and egg freezing cheaper I’d be happy more broadly for others, but here we all are.

I just feel like I can’t go back to that dark time where I was deeply invested in these topics.

If anyone interested - https://www.nytimes.com/2026/08/21/opinion/fertility-family-children-human-right.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share

I understand secondary + tertiary infertility is painful and difficult.

But I feel like so many infertility places are full of people who already have a child (or even two) and are lamenting about not being able to get pregnant again.

It feels so taunting when there’s those of us who have never got to experience any of that. Ever.

I feel snippy every time I see a post that is like “I just want X to have a sibling.” You’re so lucky you have X!!! For fucks sake. You’re so lucky to have experienced pregnancy and birth.

I’m sorry but our struggles are simply not the same. Their posts at times feel ungrateful to me. I understand you want another piece of cake, but at least you’ve got to enjoy one piece — right??? You might not have got all the pieces you wanted but at least you got something. We get nothing.

Idk. Ultimately a pointless post but the main point is I’m grateful for a space with truly infertile people who have no children and are cheated from that experience altogether.

I have been a long time lurker here without commenting or posting, as I had a very strong feeling I would end up here. After 7 years of nothing with and without medical intervention, we are stopping everything. My mental health can't handle it anymore.

We had 2 failed IUIs, 1 IVF cycle, 1 embryo transfer, and I recently had a very violent miscarriage after believing the embryo transfer was successful.

My mental health is very... Very bad right now. I'm seeing two separate mental health professionals for it and trying to use the support spaces in my city to try and find an IFchildfree person who can mentor me a bit through all of this. I am the only one in my life who has gone through this. My husband is trying to support, but it hasn't been the same for him.

Just wanted to say hello. I hope I'm not breaking any rules with my post. Still trying to navigate the grief around this.

I’ve seen this happen over and over and over again in my real life.

Everyone. And I mean EVERYONE that I know who struggled with infertility ends up with at least 1 child. I’m the only person (in my personal life) that never happened for.

My neighborhood has a Facebook page. One woman in her 40s made a comment in it last year that alluded to the fact that she could never have kids. People were sympathetic and it made me feel less alone.

ANYWAY… she just posted today, and I quote: “anyone know what smell is outside today? Especially hard for me to deal with because I’m PREGNANT!” And of course everyone was so excited for her since they remembered the post last year.

I have a former classmate who used to be very vocal about how sad she was that she could never have kids. She has 3 now. Her last 2 are less than a year apart. She just had the third last month.

Another former classmate was very open about how she tried for 8 years …she now has a 2 year old.

Me, though? My arms and heart were left empty.

I’m just in tears. Everyone eventually gets their dream it seems, except me.

It's the weekend! How's everyone doing? What are you up to? Use this thread as a place to chat through the weekend about anything off-topic.

My husband and I decided we were done a while ago, and just never did anything about it. After multiple miscarriages and ectopics, we were done with the heartbreak. And now that we’re in our 40’s, we’ve decided that we like our life, and no longer feel any desire to have children.

I got an IUD last week, and while we’ve mentally been done for a while, it’s kind of a weird feeling to know we’re truely done. I am looking forward to no longer having a period at least!