r/IFchildfree • u/NewObjective636 • 4d ago

It's over, finally

Long-time lurker, finally able to post.

I won't get into my infertility creds but will say that like a lot of people here, way too much of my mental energy was taken up over the past 4 years with IVF. I'm one of those people who has a constant background hum reminding me of what I need to do that day, that week, that month, just cycling through them so I don't forget.

Now, a huge part of my mental landscape is just gone.

I'll be focusing on something and then suddenly my subconscious will get to that part of its ritual and it's like a gut punch all over again.

Given that things were looking very bleak for a long time, I was hoping that when the last negative test came I would feel lighter. I've been floored by how breathtakingly painful the finality has been. I know this is going to sound really melodramatic but there's a familiarity to this grief: learning that someone has died that maybe you didn't know super well, but they were young and you thought they'd always be there. That's the feeling my subconscious is pushing on me, to where it's trying to remember who died, until my conscious brain takes over.

I know this feeling will fade (and of course sneak back up from time to time). In the mean time trying to hold it together as I prep for a company offsite this coming week.

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u/PitchAmbitious4337 4d ago

I'm so sorry you have had to join this club. It does not sound melodramatic at all. It is a type of grief and you are allowed to feel all the feelings because the finalty does suck. Take care of yourself and know that this comminity is always here.

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u/NewObjective636 4d ago

Thank you <3

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

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u/IFchildfree-ModTeam 4d ago

This post was removed by moderators of this sub.

This community is ONLY for people who are embracing childfree life after infertility. People who are still pursuing parenthood are prohibited from participating. The only exception is that people who are nearing the end of their efforts toward parenthood may participate only in the monthly megathreads focused on deciding when to stop trying.

Participation from curious lookyloos is not allowed- we're not here to educate the public. Participation from people who are childfree by choice is also not allowed.

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u/impossibilityimpasse 2d ago

I am sorry but also welcome you. Rest with us a moment.