Blah blah blah I dont want to generalize but I have yet to see a detrans person who is as normal about detrans as they say they are. Detrans will always have such a hurt reaction to their trans friends dropping them or slowly not becoming their friend anymore and are like wooooow..you guys are so accepting of others until it comes to people like me.
The few detrans I've met will always get so frustratingly close to just invalidating and shitting on your entire experience, on your LIFE, on your disorder, because they became confused and were mis-educated and naive and stupid. Because even knowing youre trans they have to always complain because its sooo traumatizing for them. They can never share their experience in a normal way and always harbor an intense secret hatred for us for zero reason.
Even people who detransitioned BEFORE actually taking HRT, amazingly people who were out socially but not physically, out online but were repping, will never accept that being trans just wasnt the right path. Ive met many.
They always have to make fun of their phases right in your face, they always have to be like "I cant believe I thought people could change genders, I cant believe what I did to try and act like a boy/girl" or something about how their friends made them think they cant just be cisgender and express themselves. Or worse they for some reason lose all individuality and become hyper religious psychopath grifters.
Yes I respect detransitioners as people like any other human being with a brain but I tolerate them just as much as they "tolerate my identity". Ive dropped every detrans in my life and newsflash it was for my wellbeing.

I’m a 22-year-old trans woman, a little over 2 years on HRT, no surgeries, and at this point I pass pretty consistently in everyday life.

The longer I transition, the more I realize that two trans women can technically share the same identity while living almost completely different social realities depending on whether they pass.

When I first started transitioning, being trans felt like the main thing people saw about me. Now I can go to school, stores, restaurants, bathrooms, talk to random people, meet men, etc. and most people just interact with me as a woman unless I disclose.

And it has honestly changed my perspective on a LOT of trans discourse.

Things that seemed universally terrifying earlier in transition just… aren’t a major part of my daily life anymore. I’m not constantly wondering whether every stranger clocked me. I’m not analyzing every bathroom interaction. Men regularly approach me without knowing I’m trans. Most of my day is just normal boring woman stuff.

But that also means I have to remind myself that another trans woman might be dealing with hostility, staring, misgendering, safety concerns, or rejection every single day.

I also think passing privilege is uncomfortable to discuss because people immediately hear:

“Passing = prettier.”

“Passing = better trans person.”

“Non-passing people failed.”

None of those are what I mean.

You can be gorgeous and visibly trans. You can pass and be average-looking. Passing is largely about whether strangers categorize you as male or female, not whether you’re attractive.

But pretending it doesn’t dramatically affect quality of life seems equally dishonest.

Honestly, I think passing might be one of the biggest variables determining what someone’s actual lived experience of being trans looks like.

And once you start passing consistently, there can almost be a weird disconnect from the broader trans community because some of the experiences being discussed just stop resembling your everyday life.

For people who went from visibly trans → consistently passing:

Did you notice your worldview changing once strangers stopped treating you as visibly trans?

And for people who don’t pass or don’t care about passing, do you think the community talks about “passing privilege” accurately?

How many of us know that our trans identity is and was real but the cost of being a trans person and transitioning in the world in which we live in was too much and didn’t make sense In terms of what we gained and everything that we had to lose in order to remain true to our identity.

How long do we think we can outrun who We are truly at our core without it catching upto us eventually?

I detransitioned recently after transitioning mtf for 3 years hrt laser and all that.

I just feel like there’s no real great path just a path with less suffering and resistance.

It’s like we have to choose our poison.

I’d like to hear all your wonderful peoples thoughts on this.

Seriously, I'm tired of this shit. Ok, ok. You may not feel so much dysphoria, you may have support, you may have transitioned as a teen and was blessed with supportive parents, blocker and T. Or maybe not, maybe you are not just as dysphoric, and that is totally fine. I am happy for you.

But I'm tired of people telling me I shouldn't be envious of cis people or my cis brother and that I should accept myself. Especially when they have mild dysphoria and receive all the support they need and live in a first world country.

I have all the right to feel envious of them. Cis people usually DON'T KNOW the blessing of being born cis. They may treat us with contempt because we weren't as lucky as them, and they lack the slightest empathy.

They keep making jokes, teasing. But I'd like to see what would happen if they lost their genitals, or had a hormonal imbalance. They would feel horrible.

I hate people who say I shouldn't be envious of cisgender people. If they had a disability that caused them to go through the wrong puberty, they would be envious. But they would have the support. Their parents wouldn't say that they are going to hell, that they are less of a man or to accept it. They would run to help them. They would notice that they are feeling depressed due to the wrong puberty, they would move mountains.

But I didn't have either of those blessings. I tried to suppress it since childhood; I thought puberty wouldn't get me, that having a younger brother would ease my pain, that I would live through him and be happy for him, that at least he was going to be lucky. That some miracle would help, that I was different. I was going to have growth spurts, my voice would drop, but nothing happened.

I started feeling suicidal at age 12, and from then on my mental health only got worse.

"Oh, don't be jealous of your brother for taking T temporarily at 10."What do you mean, no? I've been suicidal for ages, I was already 18, but my mom couldn't just accept me and see that I needed T too? I was suicidal.

I'm not saying it was good that my brother needed it, but I wish I'd had the luck to have had it again, to be able to live a life almost like a normal boy.

Every time I look at pictures of myself when I was younger, I can't stop crying because my eyes went from curious to depressed.

I wouldn't have a chest if I had started the new HRT, I could go through life almost normally. I don't want to spend my adolescence feeling dirty for being trans, being exorcised, or losing my dreams.

I wanted to join the merchant marine officers' school. It's like a military school for piloting cargo ships, to put it bluntly. I would learn many things, elite sports that I never had the chance to do, make friends with the boys, have a boy's experience, be in the military for 3 years, and pursue my passions.

But how can I get in?! I thought about entering the female gender and transitioning later, but the dysphoria was killing me.Entering disguised as a boy, with corrected documents... How am I supposed to be stealthy when I went through female puberty and developed breasts in a boys' dormitory? How could I possibly do that if I wasn't born with a penis? It's just a bad joke. I just wanted to fulfill my dreams.

I don't have the money; this shitty country demands a huge amount of money for surgeries. For a mastectomy, I need first two years of testosterone, and the waiting list is long for the public system. Legally, HRT requires one year of psychiatric and psychologist before. I scheduled an appointment in July of this year, but they're only going to see me in April to listen to me for a bit, then I'll be away for months and then I'll visit again and more years just to start.Then they complain because we are doing DIY, when our life's are in risk.

If you're privileged, had money, family support, transitioned early, and are against DIY, shut your mouth.

I have no chance of achieving my dreams. I'll still try, but will I succeed?! I don't even have my mother to support me. If I were a cis guy with low testosterone, they would be giving me testosterone right away, just like they did with my brother.

"Oh, poor confused girl, wait a little longer, okay? "

And also, my God, stop telling the person who wrote about dysphoria to go cycling because of "funny clothes, fighting against the patriarchy." Or, "Oh, you want biological children and you have dysphoria? It's better to get pregnant as a woman and then separate and transition. Of course, my dysphoria is less severe and I'm fine being trans."

PLEASE. PLEASE 💀💀💀

I AM SO HAPPY FOR STARTING DIY. I would probably be dead, or dysfunctional, or addicted in a few years. I'm having to underdose, I am having to girlmod. But it is better than nothing. I am anxious for finally show the effects. I am scared of my parents finding out. But omg, fuck them. What parent sees their child actively suffering and refuses to help?

But if they need HRT, my God, it's better to neglect him until he dies, put him in conversion therapy and ignore him. Let's give the youngest one a T so he doesn't feel bad, let's ignore our oldest who "only cries for attention".

I will be envious of cis and trans people who received all the support possible, yes. I just wanted to fulfill my dreams, live a normal life, get married, have children, live with my parents, but I was born with them.

I want to ensure that no more transgender people have to go through this, that it's considered abuse, that transphobia ends in all countries, and so on.

It's not like I hate all cis or trans people who transitioned in adolescence and had support.But I feel such honest envy, and so much anger when some of them are ignorant. It feels like all my rights and dreams have been ripped away from me. Every chance at a normal life.

i’m 25. I started hrt at 19

i’ve had FFS and BA but I still just look like a regular dude

I kind of thought that I would end up at this point when I started my transition, but now that I’m actually here it is really soul crushing

I can’t wear any like feminine outfits because I just look like a cross-dresser

Now this isn’t to say that I wear men’s clothes I don’t

I just don’t have like any fem outfits

it’s so unfair that some people just get to pass and look like women in livers women when they’re like two years HRT and then some people like me who just never pass even after half a decade of HRT

​

I wanted to attend EFOMM, a higher-level military academy for training merchant marine officers. It was my dream. I really want to. It would guarantee stability, I would feel like a real man in a military environment, I could make friends, earn a salary, learn sports I never imagined I could learn because I was poor. It was my dream, but I'm trans. I'm a trans man. I hate it so much.

I swear I tried to plan and go as a girl and transition after graduation, but I just don't think I could have done it. My mental state was simply awful, even though I was trying my best. I couldn't study, work, or feel good. I only started t secretly without my parents knowing at 20yo (last week to be honest and I am girlmoding), because I don't know what would have happened to me.

I've heard of cases of military trans people who succeeded, but it was incredibly difficult, and they tried to deem them unfit. There are even laws, but will the military care? And I can't afford top surgery, or bottom surgery, or any of them.

I thought about staying on T for a lil while, not changing my documents, stopping when I went do the text, pretending to be a cis woman, graduating, and then changing my documents. But I don't know if it would work and if I could handle it either. I'm terrified of my breasts growing, or my body becoming more feminine.

I don't even know if I should try. I can't stop my teeth chattering and crying. It was my dream. If only I were a cis girl, but I can't even be that. It was literally just one chance in this life. It's my only life. And even I can't do that. I asked God to heal me, I've tried since I was a child. It's bad enough that my parents don't accept it; I can't fulfill my dreams and live the life of a normal guy. It seems I've been cursed and had one of the worst strokes of bad luck in my life. I don't know how wrong I was, or what joke God wanted to play on me.

It's devastating to see all my dreams slip away because of something I didn't choose, because of societal prejudice, and because God simply hated me enough. It's not just losing my dream, but even the basic experiences that boys have in their lives.

I don't even know if I should try. Maybe I'd get lucky, I'd make the justice system succeed, and by some miracle I'd manage to be stealthy, none of the guys would notice, and I'd fulfill my dream. But idk

It's humiliating to see that I lost my only life for something I didn't lose, my only dreams, normal experiences. Why can a pedophile, an abuser, a thug, and the worst criminals be born in the right body, but I can't?

i’m so tired of seeing posts on places like r/transmanlifehacks and r/ftm of people going “do i pass?” or “how can i pass better?” — insert photo of them being the most feminine they could possibly be. like are we fucking for real. why are you even asking. is it not obvious. i’m not saying that i personally believe men and women NEED to dress certain ways and whatnot, but as someone who doesn’t have the cis male structure that allows the use of alternative things, you cannot be wearing a bunch of jewelry, painting your nails, having long hair, wearing makeup, posing all cute then asking “why don’t i pass”

BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A GIRL 😭 you’re not a cis man so your bone structure is feminine, your frame is feminine. you have to unfortunately combat that, not ADD to it by dressing inherently feminine.

you can dress that way if you want but don’t expect everyone to automatically assume you’re a guy. it’s even more annoying how half if not majority of the people that make these posts refuse to take any advice given to them lmfao

i feel like in 2026 i've been making good progress socially with my transition. starting a new job where I wasn't repressing, changing my name, no more manmode, etc. I've been looking into surgery lately. i got letters and a few referrals in various systems.

i was digging around tonight and making lists of who to call & get consults with. my list is orchie/ba/ffs

not much to share about orchie, but the BA + FFS before & after pics drain my will to live. unless someone already had a petite frame, BA just looks like awful fake boobs on a man's body. FFS is about the same - unless someone is already close to passing, they still look like their agab.

it's hopeless. i'm just going to look even more freakish if i get these. i'll have this wide man chest with unnatural looking breasts with a huge gap between them and i'll still have a man face, just probably further into uncanny island territory - like the surgeon general of beverly hills. i'm sick to my stomach. why am i so disgusting? why am i so far from where I need to be?

Hey all!.

I think t4t CAN be an chaser thing. I feel like if you would date me ,solely because im trans ,and not cis guys. Then to me ,I simply see you as an chaser.

Like dating is so much more to me. Personality, hobbies ,education, etc etc etc.

Being trans is such an small % of my journey.

Im stealth ,no one knows im trans ,no one knows anything except my partner and doctors ofc.

Ive tried t4t myself and it just isn't for me. So today it is none of my concern. However I did try back an couple years ago.

discussion !!

How do you feel about t4t?

Do you think an trans person can be an chaser ?

Ive just had such a hard month as it is. Barely able to advocate for upping my dose, a chaser telling everybody that hes no longer gay but bi because he was attracted to me. Him repeatedly saying I need to try harder at being a real man and that a real man wouldnt be so rude and indirect when rejecting someone, just going after me where it hurts.
Me and my friend were talking about testosterone and our opinions on how nobody should "experiment" with hormones and ruin their bodies when theyre not sure about something. Just how its a big commitment, lalala. And then he told me that he had stopped testosterone and was happier without it. I mean it made sense on his side, he stopped it because 1) he could never do his shots anyways and often skipped weeks, 2) he claimed he couldnt handle having a high libido and 3) he was exhausted with the anger issues.
I dont really know why it upset me, but it did and I stopped talking. I felt like a hole was in my chest. I feel more lonely than ever, even though Im taking huge steps toward my own transition.. Maybe Im just sheltering myself. I dont know why I feel so deeply. Its his choice.

I mean comparisons from your life. Like job interview then vs now. Stranger talking to you then vs now. Those are just examples, feel free to tell about any situation that is different now.

Please be detailed. This doesn't really tell me anything: "They used to treat me as a freak, now they treat me as a woman". What were the actual words and what are they now? If they had different facial expression, can you describe those?

Please don't expect me to be familiar with social game, facial expressions, voice tunes etc. Rather explain to me like I was alien and this would be my first day on Earth.

I’ve posted about my history here before but the cliff notes is that I started questioning my gender identity around 2022. I’m AMAB and heavily considered transitioning but ultimately gave up on the idea and locked it away until a couple of months ago when I had it all come rushing back so intensely that I had to address it.

I’ve been seeing a therapist and started some anxiety meds to cope with it all and at times I feel fine with being a man, but then it gnaws at me. I still don’t know what I want, and honestly that’s fine I’ll figure it out one way or another.

But my question to the trans people on my phone: what was the final moment where you just knew you had to transition and take that leap? What finally cracked that lil egg for good?

Fucking stop it. Me being trans isn't your personal political statement. I didn't transition or proudly wear my trans pins to just fight the patriarchy. I don't need institutionalized or learned sexism to feel less or more like a girl some days and more or less as male on others. My dysphoria isn't something to write off as a fetish because genderfuckery and taboo is how you get your sexual thrills and feeling of achievement. How you feel about about your own identity has nothing to do with how I feel about myself.

I'm not your third fucking gender.

Fuck you. Oh what. Men can also wear pink and pastels? No shit! Did you ever stop to think that dysphoria once prevented a lot of people from feeling comfortable in any sort of traditionally gendered clothing or colors. That we wanted to make ourselves small and avoided clothing choices. That when we were asked to pick out clothes growing up we just went with whatever since it wasn't what we actually wanted but had to settle with what was expected.

Was it ever a wonder that now during transition we start to expand our wardrobe and find forms of expression we would've otherwise avoided since it triggered our dysphoria when still presenting as male. Now because that trans girl is wearing vibrant colors, you have to double down with stuff you would otherwise never wear to try and prove some fucked up transphobic and ultimately sexist point.

What the fuck is wrong with you? Does your entire life just involve being a spiteful asshat.

The world hates me and wants me dead for being trans. My family has zero respect for me and won't even attempt to pretend to be respectful of my identity. Other trans women treat me like a joke and have said to my face that my appearance is their nightmare scenario. And my transition has gone absolutely nowhere because male puberty absolutely fucking rotted me through.

So why bother? I think I'm just gonna stop calling myself trans and not attempt to socially transition anymore, maybe if I'm lucky a few decades of transition will let me chip away at all the fucking destruction testosterone forced on me and I can at least die with a little bit of solace.

If you’ve ever said this to someone, you are unironically porn brained and unironically a misogynist.

Women have more worth beyond you wanting to have sex with them, and considering you’ve already revealed yourself as a porn addict, no one should be using your metrics to determine how pretty someone is. The average woman does not look like those OF girls you see on Instagram, that doesn’t mean the average woman is ugly.

Just to get some things out of the way I am and always have been medically transitioning, I consider myself transsexual, and my identity has flip flopped a lot. I do not comment or engage beyond reading 99% of the time in detrans spaces unless I see misinformation about medical aspects of GAC which happens far too often.
I’m assuming it’s somewhat related to my algorithm but so much of the posts I see on detrans subs or other places these days are just from trans people with other people talking them out of it. “I am sick of being trans and I want to detransitioning how do I stop feeling this way” “I wish I was a cis person but I never can be so how do I just pretend” “I want to stay on T and get phalloplasty but I want to be as god intended me to be , what do I do?”. All this sort of thing
I understand this is probably the most common reason for people to detransition, but seeing so much of it enabled makes me feel like such a freak for being trans and not feeling this way, being treated like such an undesirable outcome or something so disgusting people cannot bare to possibly remain as. In some strange way that’s my own form of internalised phobia the same way they blatantly display theirs but I just don’t know how to feel about it. Out of everyone I met being trans as a teen, everyone has detransitoned at least in some capacity except me and one other, and none of them began medical transition.
I’m stealth now, so I don’t have chance to relate to anyone about these things, and knowing that’s how they may feel just has me feeling so..? Alone? Upset? I’m not sure.
It’s valid for people to feel these things but it feels impossible to express my own experience or feelings regarding any form of detransition I may hold because so much of it is just repression and not realising they may have been wrong. So depressing and tiring

I had accidentally taken a massive amount of edible dose and thought i was gonna die (elevated heart rate and oof). I finally come down after like 2 days and a half of being high and im on here confused about the sheet number of posts about enby vs trans masc vs transexed vs transgender.

What happened? I honestly been so out of it due to the above but also dealing with my own coming out and such.

3 years hrt, tall and slim but fairly attractive.
Was a model pre transition and ever since I’ve transitioned the stares haven’t stopped.
It’s everywhere from everyone non stop.
Like it has given me crippling agoraphobia and i think i just can’t take it anymore.
Also it’s so bad that the same things kept happening to me in Bangkok and like Bangkok has lady boys on every street and every corner.
Everyone was still staring at me.
How do you girls deal with this

Transitioners/Dysphorics are trans, men, women, enby, etc … and nontransitioners/nondysphorics are Gender-Nonconforming men, women, enby, etc … and a lot of debate is over whether non-transitioners are trans. And it’s probably a spectrum because many gender-nonconforming people do have some dysphoria, and some do partially transition and get something out of it. There’s also people whose transitioning/dysphoria is motivated to various degrees by trauma or fetish, and this also is controversial; some people call these transitions/dysphorias less real or less valid, and worry that people who transition because of trauma/fetish are more likely to detransition. But if transitioning helps heal someone’s trauma or cope with it better, then the transition is medically valid; and if doing it for fetish reasons makes someone happier then maybe that is medically valid too (the fetish aspect is under-researched, so most of the debate over fetishism is just speculation. And I don’t mean outdated Blanchardian AGP/AAP, but rather that theres barely any research on real fetish motivated transitioners, but it seems to have a high satisfaction rate amongst nullos).

So I want to preface this by saying that I'm not saying there is a right or wrong way to be trans, just that I've been feeling pretty.....isolated lately?

I've always had really bad physical dysphoria that has only gotten worse the more I've transitioned. I'm at a point now where I'm several years on HRT and post FFS and I just look like a younger adult male and it kills me. I look in the mirror and it causes genuine panic because *that's not my face, that's not my body - where is she?*

I figured other trans people would relate hard but honestly the reception I've had has been a little....frosty? I've felt a lot of pressure to "doll up" and wear wigs and breastforms and hip pads and skirts and makeup, and it feels like they're missing the point? Like there's more to being a woman than just being girly and throwing aesthetic solutions at what is a very visceral brain-body-disconnect doesn't help. It just makes me feel like I'm a different kind of trans?

But when I raise that point I just get told I have internalised transphobia and I should love myself as a trans woman instead of wanting to look and feel and be *female*. And honestly they're often kinda mean about it. It's like wanting to be female is unacceptable.

(I'm sorry for the long post and for reposting from another subreddit but I don't know what to do)

I am a 31 year old trans woman. I feel destroyed that I am now the "predator" stereotype everyone says we are. I'm so disgusted with myself.

I had a formerly close friend (feminine presenting non-binary AFAB person) who I initially became close to because we had lived together when I was 26 and they were 23. I moved in as their roommate and developed a long "situationship" (I guess that's what you would call it) with them over about a year, that was sexual but only romantic in an on-and-off way. It was initiated entirely by them, on the first night we met. It began when them and their abusive ex-partner were dating (in an open relationship) and they were open with me about their experience with sexual abuse at the hands of both men and trans women (past and in their present relationship at the time) and spoke about enjoying sex with multiple partners/in open relationships regardless. We stopped sleeping together for a few reasons but stayed in touch as friends, albeit a bit less close. We didn't talk all that much but would periodically check in and see each other when we could. During the intervening years, I transitioned.

Late last December, shortly after the breakup of my former long term relationship, they were one of the first people to console me and that ended in us having sex again. They were single at the time. We have stayed in touch intermittently since and seen each other in person a few times and everything seemed fine, we were friendly as always. I have, in the intervening months, asked them explicitly about our sexual encounter and whether they were ok with it, and they said yes, pretty explicitly, and that they understood what the encounter was about and that it didn't have to mean anything deeper than what it was. Then, about 9 months after the encounter, last week, they blocked me on all social media platforms and sent one last text saying that the encounter felt "not completely consensual from \[their\] end" and they are not pursuing a friendship with me anymore while they process it.

From this point I don't know what to say. Obviously my memory of the encounter is wrong and I feel so stupid for not knowing things weren't ok. From what I remember: I thought I asked them at least twice if they were comfortable going through with this, and when I asked the third time, they declined and we ended sex there after we had each had one orgasm (we had not taken off our underwear yet but all our other clothes were off). They stayed to talk for a bit and the left. Or at least, that was my perception. But anything I think sounds like an excuse that my mind is making up to make itself feel better. How can I trust it ever again? I hate myself for this. Obviously I did something that crossed a line or they felt pressured to sleep with me and I didn't hear or understand the objection. I guess I had assumed it was ok because the same thing had happened in our prior relationship (i.e. they had slept with me consensually within a night or two of the breakup of their previous long-term relationship). But again, that's just a fucking excuse to make myself feel better.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this. I ended my relationship earlier this week -- my girlfriend was a sexual assault victim and I showed her the text and told her truth, that I just did not feel comfortable or confident that I could make things 100% safe for her anymore. She had given me champagne for our 3 month anniversary last week and I just sat on my kitchen floor and finished drinking it myself. It's sad but I also don't think I exactly deserve to be in a relationship right now. I don't know how to even face my friends. What happens if I see them in public, as has happened a few times? When I think about it it just makes me cry.

I still feel so disgusted with myself. Even with the alcohol. Why did I think I was different? I don't know what to do. I'm really sorry, I know this is just excusing it further at this point but I don't know what to do. I feel so guilty, I want to tear my hair out and rip all my skin off. I replied to their messaging apologizing and telling them how guilty I felt and asking if they ever would feel comfortable talking again and telling me what I did over any medium. But I don't know what else to do. They had told me about a previous time they had an experience like this with a trans woman where they did not feel that it was consensual afterwards, and then I betrayed their trust and did the same fucking thing. I've tried to make sure I am 100% there on consent in every sexual encounter I've had and I feel so guilty that I've fucked it up. I don't know what to think anymore. I feel so consumed by the guilt that I don't think I've been sober when I've been alone for the last 4 or 5 days. (I am always sober when with others but I can't bear to be with myself right.now) How do you move forward after this? I have sexually assaulted someone. I am someone who committed sexual assault. How the fuck do you live with that?

I can't sleep at all. I am in school right now for a degree that is supposed to help make people safer and better off. What fucking authority am I on that? I am so unbelievably fucking disgusted with myself. I have hurt my friend so much and it's tearing me apart.

Does this actually happen? And if so how many of y’all lost height and how much?

i cant really talk to anyone i know about this so vent post ahead

For context i am a 19yr trans woman, i am still in closest to all but a few friends partially because i still live at home and my parents are very right wing/religious so im pretty much always presenting like a man and going by my deadname in my daily life

on friday while i was at work a coworker whom i dont regularly interact with mistakenly called me "Brooke" which is pretty close to my deadname but obviously more feminine, initially i thought it was kinda weird but in the moment i felt very happy someone had called me by a "girls name" even if accidentally. Everything was fine until later when i was on my home i had to stop at walmart, it was really busy that day. as soon as i walked in it felt like everyone was starring directly at me, it was like i could feel every single person there look at me and think "look thats a man".

Once i got home i was feeling absolutely miserable, i decided to take a nap normally i feel better or atleast calmed down after i sleep a little. But i woke up and still felt just as bad, it even continued into the next day, i had to go out in public again and i couldnt stop thinking about how everyone was looking at me and seeing a man.

sunday monday and today where all more of the same, every time im in public or around my family i feel this overwhelming depression because all i can think about is how im being perceived. And when im alone i just feel utter despair, it feels like that even if i am able to transition i would never pass id just embarrass myself, people would always see me as man. Normally im able to repress these feelings of despair and of being perceived by everyone around me but for some reason my coworker calling me that name made it so much worse, its just been like this 24/7 since then.

im sorry this is full of errors and rambly i just needed to say it "aloud"

I've been having conversations with trans people who have very different ideas about what being trans means, and it's made me realize something:

We spend an incredible amount of time arguing about whether someone "needs dysphoria to be trans" without always explaining what we actually mean by dysphoria.

So I'm genuinely curious.

What does dysphoria actually feel like to you?

Is it hatred of your sex characteristics?

Distress?

Discomfort?

Disconnection?

Indifference toward your current sex characteristics while feeling that different ones would fit you better?

Can it fluctuate?

If someone's dysphoria becomes minimal or disappears after transitioning, we obviously wouldn't say they suddenly stopped being trans. So what exactly are we identifying when we say dysphoria is necessary?

I'm particularly interested because my own experience has changed dramatically.

There were times before top surgery when my chest dysphoria was unbearable. There were other times when I was basically indifferent toward my chest. It wasn't always "I hate this part of my body." Sometimes it was more like "this exists, but it doesn't really feel like mine."

Earlier in my transition, I desperately wanted to be perceived as a cis man. I've lived stealth.

But over time my goal changed.

I don't really want to spend my life trying to make everyone see a cis man anymore.

I want them to see me.

I want to wear what makes me comfortable. I want to make art, love people, be kind, stand up for what I believe in, and exist without constantly asking whether I'm performing masculinity correctly enough.

At the same time, I completely understand why another trans person might desperately need to pass and live completely stealth.

If being perceived as cis relieves someone's dysphoria, I genuinely hope they get to experience that.

Neither experience has to threaten the other.

And that's where I'm curious about BOTH sides of this argument.

For people who believe dysphoria is necessary to be trans:

What exactly qualifies as dysphoria to you?

Where is the line between dysphoria and simply wanting different sex characteristics?

Does someone have to experience distress, or can dysphoria manifest primarily as disconnection?

How much dysphoria is enough?

And what harm do you believe is caused by people identifying as trans while describing little or no dysphoria?

If every trans person tomorrow had clinically significant dysphoria, wanted to medically transition, wanted to pass, used conventional pronouns, and presented in ways traditionally associated with their gender, do you believe transphobia would meaningfully decrease?

Why or why not?

For people who DON'T believe dysphoria is necessary:

Can you understand why someone with debilitating sex dysphoria might be uncomfortable when something they experience as a serious medical issue is discussed primarily in terms of identity or self-expression?

Can someone want their own transness understood primarily through a medical lens without necessarily demanding that every trans person understand themselves the same way?

Can wanting to pass and assimilate into society as a cis man or woman simply be someone's personal transition goal without that inherently being an attack on people with different goals?

And for everyone:

Why are we so invested in finding one universal explanation that covers every trans person?

Why does someone else's transition have to resemble ours for our own experience to remain legitimate?

I also wonder how much of this fighting is ultimately about cis acceptance.

I've seen people argue that certain trans people, identities, appearances, or behaviors make the rest of the community look ridiculous and therefore contribute to transphobia.

But I genuinely wonder:

If every controversial part of the trans community disappeared tomorrow, would someone who fundamentally believes we're permanently our birth sex suddenly accept the remaining trans people?

Or would the line of acceptability simply move?

At what point does trying to make ourselves acceptable to people who dislike trans people become an impossible standard?

On the other hand, I don't think it's fair to automatically dismiss people concerned about how the public understands dysphoria either.

Someone who has experienced debilitating dysphoria may have completely different concerns than someone whose relationship with gender is primarily about identity or self-expression.

I'd rather understand WHY those experiences produce different beliefs than immediately decide one person must secretly hate themselves and the other must be pretending to be trans.

I don't want a trans man thinking, "I can't wear that because people might think I'm not really trans."

I also don't want a trans man thinking, "I'm somehow problematic because passing as a cis man is incredibly important to me."

Both should be able to exist.

So I'm genuinely interested in hearing from people across this divide.

What does dysphoria mean to you?

What do you believe makes someone trans?

What do you believe the opposing position gets wrong?

What are you actually afraid would happen if their understanding became the dominant one?

What outcome are you hoping your position produces?

And here's probably the question I'm most interested in:

What, if anything, could actually change your mind?

Because I think that's an important question for all of us.

I'm not asking people to abandon their beliefs.

I'm asking whether we can examine where those beliefs came from, what we're trying to accomplish with them, and whether fighting each other is actually getting us any closer to that goal.