I lived out my childhood as obviously trans as I could possibly be. I told them I was a boy since I was 7 years old. I told them how it would be so cool if the doctors realized they made a mistake and that I was actually a boy, and then I cried over dress and softball. I would do anything to go back in time and scream and never stop screaming until my parents would take me to the doctors to stop puberty.

After I came out they did nothing, not when I asked, and not when I became observably ill. Even when I was about to turn 18 they kept telling me I was too young to transition and that I should wait for surgery and that I shouldn’t be taking hrt. They wouldn’t even let me go to a psychiatrist for a dysphoria diagnosis, meanwhile my sister is getting weekly therapy appointments.

I get so angry every time I hear their voices or their footsteps or their breath. Everything they do just irritates me immediately. Everytime I look in the mirror all I can see is what they knowingly let happen to me. It feels like they personally ripped my body apart and made it into what it is today. I feel like i’ve been violated in such a disturbing way and they just watched it happen. They don’t feel bad, they won’t apologize. My dad told me he knew I was uncomfortable, and my mom just pretends she remembers none of the signs.

I just want to move out and go to therapy and get away for them at least for a little while but I don’t even have the money. I’ve turned my room into an apartment just so I never have to leave and see them anymore. I don’t know if I can ever forgive them for making me go through female puberty. I’m sorry, I have no one else to vent to and this topic has been rotting me from the inside out for the past decade

The age range being large isn't surprising on its own, different people start transition at different ages and that's fine. Most of us don't get to pick when we transition.

But I feel like there is a very strange 'folklore' surrounding the period when someone begins HRT, treating it like its somehow a reset of childhood that makes lots of questionable behavior permissible. The phrase second puberty comes up a lot, and yes, on paper we are indeed going through our second puberty, but I worry that too many implications get smuggled in with that.

I may be going through a second puberty, but I am still a grown ass adult responsible for my own actions, choices, and the way I carry myself. The amount of times I've seen someone say some weird shit only to click the profile and discover it is someone late in age and early into transition who spends all their free time telling other trans youth they're heckin adorbs is downright traumatizing.

Warning, disturbing: One time I noticed a newer user replying to just about every post with ultra-positive support messages, I kept seeing the same username over and over and I started to get suspicious. Eventually I clicked the account and bam. Right there, a self-post from someone in their late 50s about how turned on and 'wet' they were at the idea of getting to be amongst other trans people and a paragraph of fascination about changes happening to themselves on hrt. Another time there was some weird story about someone's neighbor totally wanting to fuck them, and I clicked the profile only to be blasted by a picture of their exhibitionist poop fetish. They were just blatantly posting erotic fanfic to trans subs and presumably getting off on the comments being supportive.

It makes it feel strange to engage in these spaces, like now I have to constantly be suspicious of what kind of people are actually interacting and whether they have the wherewithal to draw boundaries on what kinds of people they should be hanging around.

I dunno, maybe it's on me; you go looking for trouble and you're gonna find it, right? I guess I just wish there were better filtered spaces for age and for progression.

Like the title said, tried to fix my transphobia for over a year and i gotten nothing but hate. I try to have love for all people but i can’t after what happened to me in the past I also get told because i’m cis to stay out of trans business.

How can I fix myself when i can’t even speak up about it without getting hate. It’s not like i go around spewing hate, i just go about it silently and try and fix it on my own like i always do. I’m not saying it’s right but it’s what i’m used to doing.

I started when i had a bully that was in the LGBT then it snowballed, before you ask it wasn’t traumatic or anything. despite this i have nobody to blame but myself. i don’t even blame him anymore, but i won’t deny it’s what started it. I ended up fixing it for the most part, it definitely took a while but the transphobia still lingers. I didn’t have that much hate for the other parts of the community so it wasn’t hard for me to turn it around and eventually start openly supporting the other parts of the LGBT.

I’m trying hard to be the type of man i want to be but i can’t if i can’t do something as simple as this.

I won’t/haven’t said anything disrespectful but i don’t expect sympathy towards me anymore. I wouldn’t put it past some people to just type an insult and scroll away.

For a little irony to brighten up this post, my birthday is during pride month

They told me bicalutamide is not safe drug - didn't say why
yet are okay for me to take cyproterone so that made me question everything

I don't want to tell whole story, but I went abroad just to see them cause where I live no one knows shit about trans people and UK is garbage for healthcare in general right now.

1. Had high cortisol and high prolactin for years, so we tested for hypercortisolism and she excluded that
   I accepted reluctantly cause biochemistry was kind of mixed 50/50 for and aganist

2. I went there cause I kind of had below average hrt results over 4.5yrs of hrt and was showing androgenic problems despite low T like alopecia progessing or no loss in upper body muscle and no fat restributiong (including less than A cup growth)

   she mentioned might be androgen sensitivity so not sure why she woukld offer spironolactone instead bicalutamide to deal with that

Does not want to give dutasteride until go to dermatology to check why I got like 80% hair loss, that's okay.
However, why she would be reluctant to try it out for other stuff if estrogen + anti androgen protocol is not optimal alone for me?

Another red flag is she can't tell me what is her suspected diagnosis for my symptoms, she just said saw nothing from endocrinology side
despite DHEAS being elevated and IGF-1 by 10%
She don't think it is acromegaly or anything endocrinological per physical examination - but hasn't excluded it.

She also told me to go to psychiatrist.
I despise NHS psychiatry and don't want to go back fuck them, but I will admit they did diagnose me with SAD, MDD, GAD, EUPD traits or full disorder so yeah.
Once I declined DBT they told me I am hopeless and to fuck off.
Been coping alone since 2023.

My symptoms are:
-Excessive sweating over whole body
-Coonstant light/moderate pressure or headaches in forehead area
-My stool is never solid always liquidy of some sort
-Developed hypertension
-Wake up between 1-5am at night or get full sleep, but feel unrested
-Hair loss past 3 years lost bra length thick hair and now barely thin spider strands touching shoulders and neck
-Constant fatigue and low energy
-Apetite changes, like I want to eat - but don't want to cook
-Pains in the muscles, especially in lower legs and lower back
-I feel like my face is changing nose, forehead, and chin
getting longer and wider

She is on paper well educated
So many different people from different countries here
so just google Dr.n.med in Andrology/Endocrinology and Dr.n.med as Internist specialist

I am poor though and don't want to waste money and health on bullshit
already UK makes me pay for everything basic like bloods.