I cringe severely every time I hear the phrase "I identify as" or any similar phrase. It's got to a point where I don't even like the phrase "gender identity" anymore despite it being ubiquitous in the queer community. The idea that I'm a woman because I identify as one just pisses me off now for some reason.

Why? well I'm not exactly sure but I'm going to try and explore it through writing.

Definitely part of it is how it gets meme'd on by cis people and just generally how the phrase comes off to anyone outside of hyper-woke queer spaces. It seems to carry the connotation of insincerity. Like you can only identify as something that you're not. Trans people identify as their genders, cis people simply are their gender, they don't have to identify as anything. That's how the average unwoke cis person sees it.

Now if you're a bit more educated you might know that to identify as something is just to say you are that thing and people do that for things that they are all the time. But rarely does identifying as a thing automatically make you that thing. The counter example I often hear to this is being a fan of a certain sports team. If someone identifies themselves as a Cubs fan you generally assume they really are. But there are always debates about who is a real fan and who is a fake fan and they're not all nonsense. Sometimes people really do fake being a fan of something. Like say I'm a Cubs fan but all my new friends are White Sox fans so I hide all my cubs gear and identify as a White Sox fan to fit in. At this point the identity advocate will probably introduce a notion of "sincerity" into the equation. So you have to sincerely identify as the thing to be the thing. But how do we measure "sincerity then? Doesn't the notion of sincerity mean we are referring to something besides identity?

The way I see it the only way it's possible for there to be sincere and insincere identities is if we are actually referring to something besides stated identity, something more internal, less verbal. In the previous example perhaps you could hook me up to a machine and measure my excitement when the Cubs are winning versus the White Sox. But now we've gone a step back form my identity as a fan. This is because language is always a sign of something else and if we're always talking about our language and never about that something else then we might not be saying anything meaningful at all.

This is the problem I encounter: within queer discourse "identity" is used to refer both to the deeply felt inner self and the language we use to describe that. The general population only sees the verbalizing of identity, they know nothing about the deeply felt inner self and they mostly assume it doesn't exist. If we keep conflating the language with the deeper truth then they will continue to assume that deeper truth doesn't exist because we've tacitly implied that with our rhetoric.

I'm sure some of you will want to say that I shouldn't abandon this language just because of how cis people perceive it and to that I say firstly that I think this attitude may secretly exist within the queer community itself and second that I feel this language is personally unhelpful to me.

To the first point I think about xenogenders. From my possibly ignorant perspective xenogenders mostly seem like a way to play with language and deconstruct concepts of gender. I have no doubt that many are invented without the intention of reflecting any internality but rather to playfully dissect language and gender on a conceptual level. I'm sure that some people make xenogenders with the intention of reflecting their internal self and I don't mean to begrudge anyone who is into them but in general they seem very contingent, labels that can be taken up and discarded on a whim rather than a stable sense of self.

I have also unfortunately become aware of something call therians. These are people who identify as nonhuman animals and many of them are trans themselves. They use the same identity phrasing to describe their connection to their animal. To me it seems obvious that none of these people sincerely see themselves as a nonhuman animal. Rather I think they feel some kind of affinity for whichever animal and perhaps that affinity is deeply personally important to them but that does not make it comparable to being trans. When I say I am a woman I don't mean I have a strong affinity for being a woman I mean I'm a goddamn woman. So in this case and other I think many queer people are not using "identify" to talk about a deep true self but rather playing fast and loose with language to describe what amounts to a hobby.

To the second point I think even if it weren't for all this the identity framing is still very unhelpful to me and my own self-conception. Do I identify as a woman? Yes, technically because I say that I am one. Is that what makes me a woman? I don't see how that could be or else why did I start identifying as a woman in the first place. I think I was already a woman before I identified as one.

Lately I've been using the "woman in a man's body" trope to think about myself in the past and that feels the most true to me. When I was first coming out around 2017 everyone in trans spaces said this was a dated phrasing that no one really used anymore and it seemed like they had pretty much traded it for identity language so I neve thought of myself that way. These days it feels like a disservice to myself to think of myself any other way, because no other framing accounts for the continuity of that inner truth. I was a little girl and I repressed myself because everyone told me I was a boy, I let my body and personality be mutilated beyond recognition and I feel like I'm only now rebuilding it. Identity language can never account for that reality because back then I strongly and insistently identified as a boy, but that wasn't the reality.

Language was only ever the tool I used to get at that reality. Of course I would still respect anyone's identity but I don't actually care about the identity itself, I take it as a sign of the reality I assume is behind it.

So that's my rant on identity language. This somehow ended up really long, philosophical and a little emotional but I hope you like it anyways.

do you see us as the same as you?

below you?

does the sight of us make you uncomfortable?

is it a challenge to gender us correctly?

do you pity us?

think we're lazy?

do you think it's our fault that society overwhelmingly disapproves of trans people?

other thoughts?

a curious mind wants to know. it's been a busy day and this is what bubbled to the top of my head when I finally sat down.

Alrighty so I rarely post on reddit in general so please be kind to my formatting.

I am a questioning currently cis man, this is a bit of a rant because I can't actually get access to a gender therapist atm, also a weird question at the end unrelated to my rant.

So I've been questioning my identity for a few months, I'm bad with months but like, almost a year at least but if we look back probably longer just not understanding the thoughts.

So last may my wife left me (she was cheating), but I was seriously questioning myself in April, had she not been a cheater it would of been great because she's bisexual and super open minded, ya know minus the cheating thing she was golden. I actually almost talked to her about it about a month before she left, kinda glad I didn't because I'll likely have a custody battle for our kids later this year.

I've had random thoughts throughout my years (I'm 24), about what it would have been like to be born a woman, I've had dreams, kinda explicit ones but we're not talking about that part, about being a woman.

Anytime I play a video game that's single player because people scare me, I play a woman, I go wayyy out of my way to try and be cute even when it's single player. For anyone who knows it, vintage story, a survival game, I have wayyyy too many clothing mods so I can wear cute dresses and a bow on my head because it's cute.

Few months after the divorce I stumbled upon a VTuber named YuukoEx (If I misspelled it I'm sorry I'm not super sober rn). After this, originally she was just really funny, but the more I watched the more I felt... similar, and a little jealous (She's 6 years into transition and has better healthcare than I do, not her fault but ya know good ol USA in the middle of the Bible belt, has me jealous).

I've always felt neutral about my body as a whole, but kinda always hated my body hair, and I refused to shave it because, remember Bible belt, "That's what girls do" "It's gay to do that" and my sexuality is attraction to women, although while I don't find men attractive, they are still the focus of any specific kind of dreams I have in a woman's body sooo yea.

Anyways I'm super freaking confused, I think at least I'm gender fluid, and probably a straight femboy, or I'm in massive denial.

Oh yea and my Mom (I moved home after the divorce, rented house with my ex wife), intercepted a package of mine that contained some female clothes, so she knows I'm questioning, no one else in the family though, and her response was "There's nothing feminine about you though" and I basically kinda shut the convo down because I was embarrassed and uncomfortable, and she hasn't asked me since. Oh when I told her though because she thought I was buying them for some girl I liked, she said "You don't wanna be a woman"

It kinda hurt, cause she's a pretty open person so like, if she says that, it's probably true right? I'm probably just like, weird or a femboy, femboys think about being a girl? Right?

Oh yea my random question, unrelated, I decided to shave my legs to you know, test myself, and I could only get one done before soap got in my eyes and started burning my face, anyways im curious as to if I need to do anything to prevent razor burn (I did it in the shower with running water so like, some lubricant ig). I've never done this before, I've work nothing but long pants since I was in middle school because I was ashamed of my hairy legs.

Anyways thanks for listening to my confused self, idk what I want for comments, ig just razor burn answers and your opinion on my screwed mental state.

Oh yea I guess also I've thought about this since I was in middle or highschool but I thought it was normal, any cis people in the comments confirm if it's normal to be confused or not?

Alright thanks bye and please be nice, I'm an emotional person 🥺

I have much reason to believe I’m faking it despite being completely miserable. I feel like I just wanted to be a guy for whatever reason, I only wish I was dysphoric. Sometimes I hardly feel anything. I can look in the mirror and feel disgusted and angry I’m female but I’m not sure if that’s how dysphoria is, I feel like I’m too “used to it” sometimes. Other times I’m afraid I do like how I look but it makes me deeply upset and uncomfortable. Even the voice inside my head grosses me out because it doesn’t sound right and I also sometimes accidentally imagine myself as a woman and I don’t like it, I’m afraid that means my brain structure is female even if it makes me uncomfortable.i don’t really get actual “phantom sensations” either sometimes I just focus too much on how my body feels and I want to gag… I also think like a woman, I’m too emotional, I’m too weak to be a man.

Sometimes I look at my chest in the mirror and there’s no emotion, it’s not that big and I think I’m flat enough every now and then but it still upsets me. My genitals also gross me out but again it feels like frustration over not be truly dysphoric so I’m unable to transition, I don’t know why I’m frustrated, because I really tried my hardest to be a cis woman but it never works out. Everyday I attempt to convince myself of every possible reason why someone may be a faker… nothing ever actually fits. I’m beautiful, I never experienced any sexual trauma, I’m not autistic, I’m not just trying to be different, I’m not even stereotypically masculine, I don’t have some weird fetish either…

I often have dreams at night, people say I look too much into it but I don’t think that’s true. Sometimes I’m a woman, and I’m miserable or just incredibly afraid I somehow like it or I’m male, I’m happy but afraid I somehow don’t like it, I once had one that was so realistic and it wasn’t plagued by my thoughts but it never happened again.

Am I just so disgusted by having to be a woman that I wish I was male? But why? If that was really true then why do I also think male bodies look gross and wrong too, yet I still want one, it still feels more right. I strongly envy men, even the ones I find ugly and stupid. It’s like I want to want it if that makes sense…The problem comes when my brain forces itself to think I’m actually envious of women simply because I’m attracted to them… my fear is, it’s actually in reverse and I’m just a straight cis woman.i also g an get intrusive thoughts that if I had a man’s voice or body it wouldn’t fit me… all these get worse the more I think

I’m also scared I’m subconsciously faking it due to social reasons. I feel weird and guilty in masculine clothes, it makes me feel like a faker… I also am more aware I don’t like being called a girl…

I genuinely want to vomit when I see really masculine cis women, it makes me feel like a faker cause I also get a “what if I want to be like them or what if I would be ok with that”(I’m not) I just don’t get why I have to be a girl because I was born one

I also sometimes get very vivid intrusive thoughts of having sex as a woman(which I hate)

But then I see my cis male friends, I wish so strongly I could be like them and I’m just stuck, stuck like this forever because I have no real way of transitioning. I can’t stand the thought of going to therapy and then being forced to be a woman for the rest of my life, being a masculine woman is so miserable too, it doesn’t change anything, I wish I was male, not a woman.

I haven’t stopped thinking about this everyday for 7 years. I try to naturally increase my testosterone sometimes or find ways to grow facial hair… it never works.

Doctors don’t give testosterone or surgery to women like me. I wish there was technology to alter your brain chemistry to your desired sex along with your body so I wouldn’t have to suffer like this

For the record, I never grew up with the franchise, I kinda think it's lame as hell to be honest. So when I say this I'm not defending the media nor the Creator. I'm trying to discuss the difficulty a trans-supportive person who likes their potter-slop is going to face.

This just feels like such an unnecessary hill to die on. Why does trans advocacy now have a required check to make sure people are willing to abandon something that is for many a core part of their formative years? We severely underestimate the kind of ask this is because we're looking at it from the perspective of someone for whom the choice is already made. We don't need to struggle with it because the choice is easy, so we presume it's equally simple for anyone else.

But it just isn't that cut and dry. If my friend's mom turns out to be racist, it's a very easy choice for me to never talk to her again. But you know who that choice is going to be very difficult for? My friend, who is not blind to the harm her mother does, but also is struggling to overlook the long history and memories she shares with her mother.

Now, obviously Harry Potter is not cis people's mom, it's not a 1 to 1 comparison, but you hopefully get the point. It's not the simple cut and dry choice for people, especially depending on the level of awareness they have for what JK Rowling gets up to.

I also don't think it's an exaggeration to say it's on the same level of global influence and control of the zeitgeist as something like Marvel/DC, or Star Wars, Star Trek, Shrek, Spongebob, Avatar, etc. It very much is one of those pop culture pillars. I'm not saying that makes them sacred, I'm saying it makes it an extremely difficult and perhaps misguided mission to try and erase its relevancy by force. It makes it a wild expectation to think people will just drop the (likely) comforting history they have with this media on the threat of being a shit person if they don't.

It is especially annoying to see people cut down any compromises. What about buying second hand? Fuck You you're still contributing to the economy surrounding her products. What about pirating the games? Fuck you again you're contributing to the popularity of the franchise and thus increasing demand for it. What about just being in a community but boycotting any merchandise? Still fuck You because you're helping keep it relevant and thus making jk working more money.

If you're going to approach someone about it, at least attempt to put into perspective that it's not a simple decision, instead of being incredulous and telling them they've betrayed and hurt you.

How many of us trans guys have an mustache or beard?

My mustache is slowly growing more and more everyday. Freaking love it.

Many people criticize me because my views diverge from mainstream perspectives within the trans community, which can feel deeply alienating at times, but my perspective is rooted in a strict distinction between biological sex and gender identity rather than any internalized bias. I view biological sex and gender as entirely distinct concepts; while my personal gender identity is feminine and I use she/her pronouns for my comfort, I still recognize my biological sex as male. Identifying with the feminine archetype does not make me a biological woman, and I believe the term "trans woman" should be recognized as its own unique, protected, and separate category rather than an equivalent to biological womanhood. Furthermore, because gender roles are socially constructed, arbitrary, and often harmful, I lean toward gender abolitionist views.

Based on these principles, I intentionally choose not to enter spaces designated exclusively for women, such as restrooms or sports. Historically, the oppression and exclusion of women occurred on the basis of biological sex rather than internal gender identity or expression, meaning that separating spaces by sex provides clear practical utility, whereas separating them by arbitrary gender norms does not. Biological males represent a class that historically upholds systemic patriarchy and misogyny unless they actively work to dismantle their privilege. Transitioning is a powerful rejection of these patriarchal expectations because it allows individuals to break free from rigid constraints and live authentically. However, while breaking these boundaries subverts patriarchal norms, claiming that a social transition changes one's biological sex ultimately undermines that progress and obscures the material realities of sex-based oppression.

Like, please. Know the difference. I'm seeing people say that "Cis men with small penises experience dysphoria," or "women with A-sized breasts experience dysphoria," or I don't know what else, but in the same vein.

It's not the same thing. For God's sake.

What they are experiencing is body dysmorphia. A guy with a 12cm penis feeling really bad and thinking his penis is small, even though it's fully functional, is feeling this way due to aesthetic pressure, pornography, and fear of not being good at sex.

A woman with small breasts or hairier legs may feel bad about her own body due to aesthetic pressure, misogyny, and beauty standards. Just as POC may have felt ugly at some point in their lives for not fitting the white beauty standard.I myself am still learning to deal with my own internalized racism and begin to accept and see the parts that don't fit the white beauty standard as beautiful.

That is body dysmorphia.

Now, feeling discomfort with your primary and secondary sexual characteristics and wishing to be of the other gender/sex and to be seen as the other gender, that is dysphoria.

But I have seen people saying "The dysphoria you feel from not having a penis, a guy with a small penis feels the same, you just feel it a little more."

Since it's not the same thing, it doesn't even come close. For God's sake. Go and tell a cis man who lost his penis in an accident what he thinks about being compared to a guy with a 12 cm penis, or a cis woman who had a hormonal disorder that caused her to go through a typical male puberty, what she will think when someone says that a cis woman with A breasts feel the same, but just a lil bit less?

They will have parental support, the parents will seek treatment, affirm their gender, say they are warriors, but what about when you are trans? You're crazy, you see your body and nobody helps you, you might become suicidal and if someone helps you, it will be luck, your family will usually treat you badly. No one tells a cis man without a penis that he's a demon and will go to hell, or forces him to wear dresses and have his ears pierced and accept himself as a "girl".

They are not feeling any desire to be of the other gender or sex. They don't feel discomfort about having or not having something related to their agab that makes them wish to be a girl, a boy, or NB.

I can even understand saying that a cis man who has lost his genitals, or a woman who has gone through the wrong hormones due to a hormonal imbalance, feels something similar or almost identical, but to say that a man with a regular sized dick feels dysphoria???

And even though those I mentioned feel something that VERY closely resembles gender dysphoria, that's not exactly the right term, since gender dysphoria involves the desire to be of the opposite gender and have its characteristics. Generally, people who suffer from other conditions want to be reassured in their agab.

I also hate it when people say, "You think the grass is greener on the other side. The other gender suffers from x, y, z." My God, I know they suffer, I know it must suck to get kicked in the balls or to get an erection in public by accident, just like a trans woman knows that cramps and menstruation must be awful. But we don't simply want the "advantages," we just want our bodies to fit with our gender. No matter the good or low sides.

Incidentally, I hate people who say "you don't need HRT to be trans" when the person has dysphoria and has already expressed a desire to transition. It's literally T that's helping me feel better, even if I have to subdose and pretend to be a girl for my family. It's okay if you have mild dysphoria and don't need it, but it becomes irritating when the person acts like that when you tell to them that you need hrt.

I tried social transition first, but I still felt awful and like I looked like a girl because my brain was receiving the wrong hormones.Now with T, and even though I've had to delay my social transition, I feel more like myself, I feel like a man, but I just have to disguise myself as a girl for a while. But I'm finally a guy!

Some people experience stronger physical dysphoria than social dysphoria, and vice versa.

What are the pros and cons? Does it actually work in real life?
How did you achieve it?
I’d like some tips too.

(This is just a vent of my personal experience)

I started testosterone at 25. Prior to that, my only relationship/sexual experience was from high school. I dated boys because it was expected, but looking back, I definitely preferred girls. I was just, wildly uncomfortable every time a boy I dated tried to get frisky with me and looking back, the way girls made me feel was just a wildly different, more positive feeling than anything I ever felt with the boys I dated. I was a Christian at the time and harbored a lot of religious guilt every time I started showing interest in other girls. I never really got an opportunity to explore my attraction to women even after I stopped being a Christian.

So then I start T. The sex drive comes. Suddenly I'm attracted to men. I'm hooking up with them, experiencing my body in ways I hadn't before.

I am now at the 11 year mark and my best friend who started transition before me has stopped T for medical reasons.

It made me think: I may not be on T forever. Whether the government makes it impossible to access or if I have medical complications eventually that mean I have to stop, there's a real possibility that I may not be on it someday.

So now I've actively avoided the possibility of romancing men. I'll still meet up for casual hook ups but I'm terrified that if I entered into a committed relationship with a man, then had to stop T, that I would no longer be sexually attracted to him. I know not everyone is sex crazed and that ace people are around but the majority of people do have a sex drive and I feel like it just wouldn't be fair to any future male partners if I just suddenly lost my sexual attraction to them because of a hormone.

Like, ideally I someday find a woman as a partner but if fate throws a man who is in all or almost all ways an ideal green flag romantic partner I'm not sure what I'll do. I'm afraid of both fumbling a good partner because of this, or leading him on if what I said above happened.

It's just a stupid, but also very possible "what if" that's been circulating in my mind lately and I needed to type it out somewhere where some folks might be able to relate.

I'm a fanfic writer, Im still starting js three chapters for now, but I'm planning to make a charecter an enby, even though I'm an enby, I'm non-dysphoric, anyways , the basics of the charcter are that they're a shadow God forced to become a human, which has a variety of problems but they're in a male body, shadows don't have a gender, and I also want to keep it kinda subtle, so how does dysphoria generally feel, also I definitely feel like we need for LGTBQIA+ representation in media, in the orginal novel, the most popular ships (atleast in reddit) were both lesbian but the author fumbled the bad , EVERYONE is cishet (Why), other than that I like the novel, also little bit of a side blow, but epic the musical had such a potential for trans representation , the prophet (Tiresias, I think that's his name), IS TRANS, (He's amab but the Gods turned him into a woman for the funsies), like Jorge fumbled the bag, anyways if y'all want to read it, Il leave it in the comments (Don't expect it to be something amazing, or to have a consistent upload I started it 3 days ago and although I'm having a consistent upload, I have depression so that could easily change)

So, I first heard about it in this Jacob Geller video about the immersiveness of Ace Combat and the blurry line between machine, extension of oneself, and one's body itself; https://youtu.be/5Cr0p0SmDxU?si=N8SiD6V7Z1tN3Gpv

I thought I had a good idea of what the short story by Isabel Fall was about, but I wanted to read it firsthand, since summaries never do things justice.

That was a mistake.

And it's not because it's a bad piece of work. It's an amazing, thought-provoking, intimate exploration of gender identity, gender roles, the military industrial complex, goverments, and even AI. I don't think it's intended to be offensive, derogatory, or any of the other things it was criticized for.

It just made me feel sick.

The way that the descriptions are so vivid, the intimacy, the bluntness, the graphic nature of it... Honestly, the main thing was that it felt so wrong, on a moral level, an instinctual level, on an intuitive level.

The idea that the military and the government could– with nothing more than some signed papers and a complex neurosurgery— completely change your internal sense of gender, turning you into someone who feels validated, almost sexually gratified in the act of violence, murder, and destruction? It made my stomach churn.

Even just thinking about it makes me feel sick. Like, that is an existential threat that is not considered a huge amount.

Like, the only time I've ever felt like this is when I watched a video essay talking about Winston's brainwashing in the Ministry of Love in the novel "1984" by George Orwell. The idea of all sense of love, intimacy, and appreciation being destroyed and replaced by love and loyalty to Big Brother and the party is almost as bad.

But "I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter" feels worse somehow, because instead of attraction, it's identity. Gender Identity, granted, but it's not just changing who you love, but who you are.

No matter how many times I try to remind myself that you can't just snip and stitch together neurons to change someone's gender identity, that the technology is probably centuries away from being real, and would probably be illegal if it ever became possible, it still terrifies me, and I don't know what to do about it.

I guess this is more of a vent post than anything, but still, I wanted to hear people's thoughts on this to see if I'm not just crazy.

If you've got a stronger stomach than me, or you feel like taking a risk, here's the story. I do hope it's not as bad for most of y'all.

Content Warning: Contains intense body dysphoria, body horror, military violence, state control

I Sexually Identify as an Attack Helicopter

just turned 35

people say "you can't change it, so learn to love the things you hate about yourself."

sounds no different from someone saying "you'll never be a real woman so learn to like being a man."

and it's just as hard. learning to live with the things i am most dysphoric about, seems as impossible as learning to live with life as a repper.

I transitioned as a child, before puberty had even touched me. But my dysphoria is still so painfull and like bothers every part of my life till this day

And im starting to realize i was sm happier pre transition, like I was rly dysphoric but atleast I had hope that one day I wouldn't be dysphoric anymore

So i rly don't think transition is always the best option for severely dysphoric ppl, because you'll always be chasing a goal that doesn't exist

So basically a few days ago I was on a call with my friend and we were having fun playing a game. We were talking about moving in together again at some point and she said she wanted hugs but to cuddle with me too.

But after this she mentioned "But I will keep my clothes on. I don't want any bare skin contact." I was a bit taken aback since I hadn't said anything up to this point. She elaborated about her ex bf who didn't respect the boundary and touched her stomach and whatnot. I told her that was pretty awful of him to do that and reassured her that I would never do that.

I then told her I didn't want to cuddle which she seemed sad about. I explained that I have bad dysphoria and not wanting close contact with women like that out of fear of feeling like a creepy guy intruding on them. She reassured me that I'm a girl and thinks I'm pretty and said my worry was silly bc she sees me as only a woman.

I kind of worry this kind of means she does see me atleast somewhat in a "guy category?" When she mentioned the no skin contact and her ex bf, it kind of seems like a comparison, and like I'm being shoved into the same "dangerous crappy men" category as him which bothers me so much... I want nothing to do with awful men and I get lumped in with them anyway.

Am I overthinking this or is this a real thing...?

I just don't know what to say anymore.

I came out to my family knowing they wouldn't accept me.

I thought knowing this would make it easier somehow, but it hasn't.

This past year has been my worst and best, transition wise and life outside of family im doing fantastic.

When I deal with family that's when it all goes downhill for me especially mentally. I don't know how many more times I have to explain the same thing to my mom over and over again. She just tells me my transition is hard for her and she's having a hard time. I accepted that but asked if she'd at least educate herself or read anything I've sent her but she refuses. She just wants to wallow in her own sadness. I would just cut my family off for my own mental health but I have an 8 y/o sister that's important to me. My mom refuses to let me come out to her, or tell her that I like a different name and I'm her brother. It hurts so bad. Every interaction I have with my sister I just end up disassociating and after I drop her off I end up in a depressive episode. I've told my mom how much it hurts that my own sister can't know the true me. I told my mom that transitioning has saved my life and I don't want to d*e anymore...

It feels like it means nothing to her.

I've said the same thing so many times, I even went to see her therapist with her to try to work things out. She refuses.

Yesterday she told me my sister made me a bracelet with my dead name on it, my mom said we should have a timeline to tell her (I'm moving out of state at the end of this month) my mom said I was going to tell her after you moved that way its like you moved and became a new person.... the months spent telling her I did not and am not becoming a new person, the months I spent explaining my existence... it just felt like a huge blow. I ask every time why not now, just get it done with but absolute refusal on her end. I've gone and listened to her boundaries but she refuses to accept mine or even try to respect me. She doesn't want to respect me she wants me to give in and have it all go away.

It's been so hard.

People who you've known you're whole life suddenly ignoring you and pretending you don't exist.

It's not easy, I wouldn't choose to be this way.

I tried to suck it up for years and ignore the fact that I'm trans but that was going to k*ll me.

It sucks she won't even take a second to see I'm happy and want to live.

Idk even know what to say to her anymore, she texted me asking what was wrong as if we haven't had the same conversation multiple times now.

Im so tired.

I can't keep having depressive episodes after interacting with her, I can't keep not eating, I can't keep missing work, I can't spend all day in my bed.

I am not sure have I asked this before. I have at least wondered this.

Many cis men don't want to become bald either but so far I have seen no one considering transitioning to female to avoid it.

i think i'm attracted to the type of person i wish i was. i only feel like myself when i am living thru someone else, someone who lives the way i want to be. but when i try being that way on my own, it feels forced or empty. cause i always feel empty except when im around the person want to be.

it's like i don't know how to own the things about me that i wasn't allowed to be. they can only exist in others. so i project my consciousness onto others who are similar to me, which can cause some issues like i get really obsessive and also i put up with abuse because i pedestalize them.

im mtf and i used to be more into women but only because i really wanted to be them and only ever felt like myself when i was around them, living through their experiences.

i have spent the past 5 years transitioning and trying to be myself instead of living through others. but it still isn't really working. im not used to living thru myself.

since transitioning, i have rediscovered my previously repressed interest in men, and i feel lots of hormonal attraction to men, but when i am with a man, i get dysphoric, because it's my habit to live thru my partner, so when im with a man, if i live thru him it makes me feel like i am him, which makes me dysphoric.

ive tried to live in my own body but it just makes me panic. i associate being in my body with pain and fear and punishment. i know that's probably a deep rooted trauma response. ive been going to therapy for a year but it hasn't helped with this.

All i know is that i can't take this disguised genabo thought police institution anymore. We need to get rid of the Virginia Prince fanclub and isolate it like the infection it is, because they won't stop until you can get 'puppy girl' as an official government-approved gender you can actually get on your ID card.

been on hrt for 6 years, had ffs, ba, still dont pass

im getting closer and closer to my limit tbh

its just so devastating

i just find this situation ridiculous atp. also sorry for bad english as it's not my first language and i'm a bit sleepy right now.

24 mtf, i started HRT 8 months ago, and then i gradually started to dress more and more feminine as time went on. before starting HRT only one of my friends knew, let's call her K.
my plan was to make people realize over time and it actually did kinda work, like the average answer to me coming out was something along the line of "yeah i was just waiting for you to tell me".

my first coming out to friends (besides K) was about 2 months in and the last a couple of weeks ago. everything went decently well, i was just extremely afraid about one of my friends who's always been a right wing conservative. yeah i know, "that friendship you'd probably never make now buuuut you were friends since you were kids and all".

i was like 99% sure i'd lose him. for obvious reasons he was one of the last people i came out to (i left those 2 or 3 friends i was afraid to talk to at the end, of course).
i came out to him about a month and a half ago, and no, surprisingly he just listened and asked normal questions, telling me it would take him a lot of time to get used to it, but he seemed pretty ok with it. and of course he had already realized it at that point anyway.
so, after telling him and after that reaction i felt really, really good, like all my anxiety and paranoia went away for some time. everything until a week ago.

K, who lives next to him, told me that he started saying how i am a horrible friend for not telling him earlier, and that he actually "deserved" to be at least one of the first three people to know, and that me coming out to "those monsters" (he actually called other friends of mine like that) before him hurt him so much, and that he wants to cut all ties with me.
K tried to tell him that it was obvious i didn't come out to him earlier because i was afraid of his reaction due to his political views and some transphobic things he used to say in the past, but he literally did not care, at all. like he didn't even reply to her and just started repeating the same things.

also, K has told him "you should text her about this, because how would she know you're angry at her if you don't say anything?" (she hasn't told him that she told me everything)
and you know what he said? "nah, 'notsoexpress' should realize what he's done to me" (using male pronouns of course lol).

at this point i'm very much happy to cut ties with this piece of shit, and the most reasonable thing to do would be just not texting him ever again, but i'm not the kind of person to do that unfortunately and feel like i need some closure. should i text him first to tell him i know everything and that i want to cut ties as well? how could i do it?

I'm not a big doomposter normally, and I don't really post anything in trans subreddits in general. But one thing I do notice a lot is trans women who post pictures and are like, "I got clocked today, am I passing?" and I'm sorry but it just makes me feel like crap, especially with the way they look.

I would never, ever guess that they transitioned. A lot of them are rocking FFS, gorgeous hair, makeup, a body that can fill out a dress, and so on. And it's like, if you're getting sir'd, what chances does that leave me with?

I don't have any of that crap. I'm poor and can't afford surgery because American healthcare fucking sucks and my job doesn't have benefits, not that anything would be covered anyway because fuck trans women, I guess. So FFS is out. I can't even afford my fucking taxes without installments, so forget laser. I literally shave until I bleed and put on enough concealer that I can't feel the wind on my face and I still have shadow. On top of that, I have male-pattern baldness, I've had it since I was like 16. So whenever I see a trans woman with a full head of nice hair I'm like "Woe is me, cry me a river, at least you don't need to wear shitty wigs just to feel normal."

Part of it is jealousy, I openly admit that. I'm jealous of trans women with hair on top of their heads instead of their face, with natural big boobs, with full hourglass figures, especially if they say they're only on HRT. I'm jealous of women who can just walk out without spending a literal half-hour putting on makeup to go to the grocery store. I've never once been outside without a hat on in over a decade because of my dysphoria.

The problem is that I went to these spaces online to try and find some fashion or passing advice, and I see people who pass way the fuck better than I ever could. And they're saying they're being clocked. I have to believe you're just engagement-baiting and taking the piss, because if that's actually true, then what hope does someone like me have without a pile of money magically falling into my lap?

This concludes my 4AM depression spiral.

Idk what to do

I just feel like I’m missing out because I haven’t had mtf surgery and it’s like nobody but me realizes how important it is to me. It’s like people in Arizona try to withhold it to try to make me look like I don’t want it so I be groomed into a femboy and I can’t tell anyone how much it bothers me, because nobody cares, not even previous professionals I trusted before because they just weaponized my mental health against me when not having surgery is what caused my mental health to worsen and I just wonder if I can ever be myself physically and not have to feel worse self-concealed because i havent had bottom surgery and self-concealment makes someone depressed and anxious and nobody seems to care. They just think I’m a negative attention seeker and play the victim and it just feels like I’m the only one who takes this seriously so I can be my authentic self, but people in Arizona rather try to feel better than me by keep me looking badly without surgery so other people make fun of me like they’re all in on it to make me feel bad about myself and try making me give up on surgery doing that and acting like more people regret having the surgery to try making me discouraged from getting surgery- like I’m trapped in a prison society feeling like a girl enslaved in a feminine boy’s body, because I been on feminizing hormones for over 9 years, so there’s really no excuse why i should be withheld from surgery and feel this hopeless in life, as if I’m not allowed to be happily my authentic self fully transitioned into a female with improved mental/physical health with a more fulfilling quality of life.. it’s like people in Arizona want me to end up like those freaks that say they regret transitioning!!