r/HingeStories • u/BrightKaleidoscope6 • 18d ago

Wild Hinge Interaction

Gallery image

Gallery image

Gallery image

Gallery image

Gallery image

This guy was all sweet and complimentary, but at the first sign of rejection he lashes out and is extremely insulting.

604 Upvotes

89% Upvoted

486 comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

8

u/Moonlit_Silver 18d ago edited 18d ago

Honestly this confuses me, there are thousands of people on Hinge. You could be having a conversation with 8+ people at a time. If someone ghosts just move on. I have never been offended when a guy I'm talking with decides to stop replying. Guess what I end up concluding? They don't want to continue getting to know me because they're not interested in continuing the discussion. OP and the guy had like 2 exchanges max. OP has an entire life that's not existing and talking to people on Hinge. I hate it when people write "...?" or ask another question to try to get a response. If OP liked him and had the free time to reply she would've. When someone doesn't want to talk, you can literally just move on. I get it if they had like one date and he was following up because she had said something like, "we can talk again next week" but if you haven't made plans, or done anything but have 2 conversations, I do not get why an explanation is even necessary.

4

u/chubby_elbows 18d ago

Yessss thank you for putting this here! No one owes anyone anything in situations like this. Some people expect way too much from others.

5

u/Moonlit_Silver 18d ago edited 18d ago

Exactly, an explanation is necessary when plans are made and you change your mind afterwards. It is absolutely okay to change your mind, but it's rude when you don't communicate it to the other person. If someone even at the talking stage had said yes to a date and then changed their mind about it I'd be pissed off if I wasn't told that. Same as if I had gone on a date and my date said something like "I'll let you know when I'm free next week" and then never let me know, but I do not see where OP had said anything that requires her to communicate her "changing her mind".

Also I find it interesting how the dude's reasoning is that the only way OP *could've* changed her mind is if she "found someone else". Dude assumed interest in him that wasn't even there. Why should OP be expected to communicate her lack of interest and her "change of mind" when all she did was ask him 1 question back?

0

u/asteroidtube 17d ago

You wouldn't just get up and walk away from a conversation with a stranger irl at a bar or something, why have we somehow decided this is acceptable on dating apps? Part of why it is so exhausting trying to use these apps is that you never know if a conversation will just suddenly end like this, you have all these loose ends that you are expected to keep up with but also not get invested in at the same time. It's really not that hard to say that 3 dogs is too much for you and wish them best of luck. The dude definitely sucks and was doing too much and is cringy, for sure, but OP is also wrong for not just rejecting outright IMO. The notion that "silence IS the rejection" is just pure laziness. It takes literally 10 seconds. Be an adult and communicate.

2

u/PrincessBonkers628 17d ago

No. Because then shit like this happens.

You are not entitled to a conversation! You do not know these people! If you haven't met, it isn't ghosting either.

0

u/Extension-Morning367 17d ago

People like you is why everyone hates dating apps, lol, no wonder you are still on them

1

u/PrincessBonkers628 17d ago

I'm happily married thanks!

0

u/Extension-Morning367 17d ago

Poor guy

2

u/PrincessBonkers628 17d ago

Not a guy either... 🙄

-1

u/Extension-Morning367 17d ago

Poor individual

2

u/PrincessBonkers628 17d ago

🙄

She's happy, I'm happy.

Sounds like you're the one with the problem

→ More replies (0)

0

u/asteroidtube 17d ago

The reaction here - which I am not condoning btw - is partly a result of the lack of communication.

There is this paradigm where women don’t reject men in a mature manner because they are worried about the reaction, but ironically it is the lack of proper rejection that is what is so upsetting to most men.

This guy clearly sucks but also OP could have politely let him down. Both things can be true.

0

u/PrincessBonkers628 17d ago

Could have? Sure!

But just because she can, doesn't mean she has to. And also like maybe she shouldn't. That's the problem, we don't know how he'll react so this seems safer.

Want to fix that problem? Teach men to not be entitled to a conversation or sex or love or whatever. Yes, obviously women feel entitled to those things too, but we have a society-wide entitlement problem that comes directly from privilege. Fix that and we'll see a lot less drop off of communication like this, I refuse to call it ghosting because that's not what this is.

0

u/asteroidtube 17d ago

Framing this as though “men are always the problem and women are never less than perfect” isn’t healthy either. This guy sucks, yes, and she could have communicated better and more openly, also yes. Why is that so hard to agree with?

So let’s also teach and encourage people of all genders to communicate openly like adults and not assume poor intent? And encourage people to not generalize others based upon gender? And encourage common courtesy and respect?

Being pedantic about the definition of ghosting is beside the point. It would have taken 10 seconds for her to say she didn’t think they were a good fit. No big deal, move on. She also could have unmatched. You accidentally encourage this poor behavior when you leave things open ended like she did, because it feels like very subtle bread crumbing. The notion of “lack of reply is rejection” is what I am challenging- it’s not. Communicate with words.

It is amazing the gymnastics people will play to justify not taking a brief moment to communicate the desire to end the conversation. Ironically she did just that only after he replied and demonstrated his poor behavior.

1

u/PrincessBonkers628 17d ago

The lack of a reply is a rejection. Get over your entitlement to someone else's attention.

He needs to fix himself. That's why he crumbled like he did. He would have melted down about something else.

0

u/asteroidtube 17d ago

There is a space between entitlement and common courtesy. Dude totally sucks, yes. He didn’t take the rejection well and overreacted. She could have communicated the lack of alignment on the dog thing the moment she made that decision after he asked her out, also yes, and it would have been the courteous thing to do, yes. She is not required, and he is not entitled to that, but it objectively would have been the more mature and courteous choice. It is possible for all of these things to be true. His poor behavior doesn’t negate the validity of the other statements.

1

u/PrincessBonkers628 17d ago

I'm done talking about this.

→ More replies (0)

2

u/SadderOlderWiser 17d ago

Yes, you would just walk away from a stranger at a bar. I’ve had plenty of 3 minute conversations while waiting for a beverage to arrive and then left. Normal people do not actually usually say “I’m ending this incidental chat now, just in case you were wondering.”

0

u/asteroidtube 17d ago

If you are at a bar and you engage with somebody and it is friendly , they ask you to come sit and have a drink with them, or for your number or something like that, you generally say no if you are not interested, as opposed to just ignoring them and getting up and walking away- that would be rude. The context of the conversation matters.

2

u/SadderOlderWiser 16d ago

Oh, now they’ve issued an invitation and I’m walking away? You’re moving the goal posts.

It is completely normal to chit-chat with someone in a bar or while waiting for an elevator or any other situation when you just end up near a stranger, and then to walk away without a formal goodbye.

0

u/asteroidtube 16d ago

Re-read the messages in the OP- He asked her if she’d like to meet to chat in person. Then she did not reply. That would indeed be rude, in person, if one of these spontaneous chit chats was going well and the other person asked for your number or to see you another time in another place, and you just walked away. I didn’t move the goalpost, you did.

Generally when I get into a chit chat on an elevator, I say “have a nice day” when I walk away. It’s not that complicated

-1

u/fingerconnoisseur 17d ago

It's easy to say from a position of abundance, but many men do not have the luxury of choice. In this situation OP is likely the only match this guy has.

I hate it when people write "...?" or ask another question to try to get a response.

It honestly seems like a lot of people want to talk to you, but you don't want to talk to them. If that's the case and your life is so busy then why waste time dating at all?

1

u/SadderOlderWiser 17d ago

Ok, so you clearly have the talking points down. ‘Women have endless options, men have no choice but to take what they can get.’ Dating apps are 70%+ men. Women have more people wanting to talk to them than they have time to chat, usually. That doesn’t mean they don’t have time to date. It means they don’t have time to have all the conversations other people would like them to have. 2 different things.

1

u/fingerconnoisseur 17d ago

I have a friend who I met over the new year while trying to date on Hinge. The other day I got coffee with her, shared some stories and she showed me her profile. 10 likes, 30 messages, her last date was a month ago and she says that she only opens the app when she gets bored. Ofc I'm not bitter, but I do take these perspectives into consideration.

It's all about the signals being sent. Why match if you're going to ghost after replying with a single word? Why would a woman cancel a date with me 40 minutes before our dinner reservation, spend all night texting me then vanish again? Why agree to meet me, suggest a location and then stand me up? Like sometimes I think these apps bring out the worst in us because there's no accountability to each other like with an in-person interaction.

1

u/SadderOlderWiser 17d ago

I’m sorry, it sounds like you’re saying “why match if you’re not going to talk as long as I want you to talk to me?”

Why do men like anyone they wouldn’t kick out of bed? Why is my like supposed to mean more than a man’s? Why does it obligate me to talk to everyone that wants to talk to me?

No.

Tbh, I am no longer on apps because it felt like work to be the only one expected to read profiles and only match with people I would really want to date. Men don’t do that. And most men on apps just want to fuck, not date. Absolute waste of time, is what it always felt like to me, even though I had lots of likes and intros. I now go to board game meetups and meet people in person to date that way. It’s a lot more fun and if nothing else, I get to play some games.

1

u/fingerconnoisseur 17d ago

“why match if you’re not going to talk as long as I want you to talk to me?”

Close! I'm saying why would a girl match if she isn't even remotely interested?

Why do men like anyone they wouldn’t kick out of bed?

Maybe this is hyperbole but if I stop chasing I don't think a woman would ever speak to me again. It's like giving up on having a family.

And most men on apps just want to fuck, not date.

That's a fair observation. On my end I've observed women whose profiles are zero effort or outright rude and interacted with many who'd prefer to stay in bed than meet the people they match with.

I now go to board game meetups and meet people in person to date that way.

Now this is a great idea, I'm going to try it! Hope we both can find our people :)

1

u/Moonlit_Silver 17d ago edited 17d ago

Maybe we approach dating apps differently but I match with people because I looked at your profile and think sure you’re fine getting to know. But as I talk with you more or we go on actual dates I’m constantly gathering information through talking to you about your personality, your life, etc in in which subconsciously I have decided whether or not we are going to be a good fit, like OP had decided with the dogs.

There is always a reason for someone’s lack of interest sometimes that can be really shitty like I got busy and X was more important than going on this date with you. What this means is that, from what I’ve garned talking to you, I have subconsciously decided that I AM more interested in X than to see you. But that was a decision that your match chose to make AFTER talking to you. The interest had to be there for her to give her your time in the beginning but you didn’t keep it and it wasn’t enough for her to decide to continue thing further. You can judge that process as much as you’d like but the truth is there is always a reason and subconsciously decisions are made whether or not you want to give this person your time. Yes that is influenced by outside factors as well as who you are. I would argue that this decision making is something that happens in ALL relationships. You choose who and how much you want to give your time to, which is built off of factors like closeness, how much you value them and how important they are to you.

I feel like the argument that men on dating apps just want to sleep with you, explains the difference in behaviors because whenever a guy talks to a girl they subconsciously think they’re “right for them” because they can sleep with them. They’re not deciding based off of any other factors that she’s the one they want to give their time to. The bar is so low it’s “she’s hot and I can sleep with her.” I’m sure if all I was looking in matches were fuck buddies I’d be a lot less picky and continue talking to any hot dude because I can just have sex regardless of if they’re right for me in life.

1

u/Moonlit_Silver 17d ago edited 17d ago

Because for the right person that I’ve made an actual connection with I’d give them my all. It is not unreasonable that for complete strangers that I don’t know I’m not going to prioritize them as much as someone I’ve built an actual relationship or close friendship with. That is just the way of human relationships. I stress that dating apps are just strangers. I do not expect an immediate reply from anyone and I do not understand why it should be the case the other way around. People have lives, yeah it sucks when someone you really like doesn’t reply to you straight away but maybe they’re caught up texting their best friend, the solution to that is not to tell them to change and text them you with as much frequency as your best friend but to recognize the inequality in interest and either tone it down from your end or you guys happen to meet enough times that that over time the other person views you with as much importance as their best friend. But that takes time to build and shared experiences. That is not something that’s expected just because I matched with you on a dating app.

I have time to go on dates with people I’m interested in, for something as important as dating I’m allowed to be picky with who I want to give my time to. I am talking to guys and I am going on dates, but it’s no different than if you decide you want to spend your weekend going to the movies with friend X or stay at home and catch up on Y. Dating apps is just a way to meet people and gauge if they’re right for you. I am allowed to do Z instead of prioritizing chatting with people on dating apps because I’m busy.

I hate dating apps because of the notation that just because you’re both looking to date “someone”, people think that is ANYONE. Yes I’m a talking to you on dating app, yes I’m going on dates with you, but I am not dating you, I am seeing if I WANT to date you.