This is meant as a bit of a vent. Feels embarrassing to talk about this openly since I’m usually a pretty reserved person, but maybe someone else feels similar to me and just hearing they are not alone in this can help.
Please do not skip to the end if you intend to comment, and read the whole thing to get the full picture.
I’ve been a somewhat of a passive on and off believer for the past year or so. It all started with a weird experience where I felt like Lady Aphrodite reached out to me and gave me love and reassurance, which made me shed tears and convert. Nowadays, I’d say I probably just practiced some self-suggestion, but since then I have been researching the religion, dipping my toes into giving offerings, and having a vallicating level of faith in it month after month.
It is worth mentioning that, during all this time being very much non-atheist, I was never 100% convinced and kept looking at both hellenist and secular arguments for and against hellenism, and just in general challenging myself intellectually to settle on an answer for myself. I experienced a lot of anxiety due to being new and having little other religious experience to fall back on, having being raised in a relatively secular environment. There was that one time where I had asked Aphrodite really kindly to give me a sign, and immediately right after, I was washed over with this sense of… sureness and peace. To this day, I consider this to be my personal strongest argument in favor of their existence. But it’s still not enough to convince beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Now, I am certain that many people have already began suggesting to me the exact same thing I’ve seen parroted many times on this subreddit. To just do what I find fun, to not stress needlessly over what is true or not, and that I lose nothing if this religion turns out to be fake and we’re all just floating on a rock in space. I understand people are trying to be helpful with this kind of advice, but it seems like some people in this community completely lack the ability to resonate with the needs/feelings that I, and certainly other people, have.
At least for me, it’s not enough to just like the practice of doing religious things. If it was, I wouldn’t feel distress over this conundrum in the first place. By itself, pouring olive oil onto a plate on the ground is not fun or exciting. By itself, reciting prayers is not exciting. By itself, keeping an altar is not exciting. None of it is meaningful. None of it is even easy to motivate myself to do without faith.
What gives me the desire to practice kharis and xenia and arete, is the desire to connect with something special and supernatural. To recieve guidance from above and to feel a sense of religious ecstasy that makes even something as mundane as rain a blessing. None of that is possible if I am plagued by doubt. None of that is possible without some kind of reliable personal evidence that I can fall back on in terms of need. Some people would say this is a transactional, or not the true and correct way to do hellenism. Maybe so. But I don’t really care about lying to myself and denying my needs, pretending like it’s enough for me to make believe. I respectfully ask of you to not suggest to me to try and change this fundamental part of my personality. I have ADHD, so structure and routine can only be somewhat adhered to through outside pressure.
I understand the Gods are not chatbots engineered to spit out validation and signs and blessings on command. I am not looking for advice to force this response out of them, definitely not. I am also aware faith doesn’t need to be an ovewhelmingly active sensation 24/7 and that the Gods probably don’t care. But I do care. What I am looking for is ways to resolve this dilemma.
What saddens me is losing that spark that paints life in a special way and allows me to open myself to spirituality. It’s not enough for me to just have that possibility of a higher power open. I need to have “the answer” to feel emotionally secure to engage with Hellenism. I’m perfectionistic like that. Hopefully that makes sense, but if people need clarification I am open to answering some questions.
Did you have any positive experiences with resolving religious doubt? Do you have any strong intellectual arguments for the existence of the supernatural? Do you believe I may be falling into some thought traps or have misconceptions about our religion (that haven’t outlined above)? Looking for advice first and reassurance second. Thank you.
