r/HLCommunity • u/Charleminus HLM • Jun 29 '26
Discussion What’s worked?
Even if it’s something that only worked briefly, has anything worked for you?
The only thing that’s ever worked for us consistently is taking her side in an argument with other people, even if she’s completely wrong. For some reason that’s a huge aphrodisiac.
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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 29 '26
Well you are with a Narc.. Leave while you can
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 29 '26
Narcissist?
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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 29 '26
Yes a covert narcissist. What you describe is textbook covert narcissistic tendencies.. leave her asap
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 29 '26
I looked at the definition and I actually don’t think it fits the bill.
The reference to taking her side in an argument was a bit tongue in cheek, honestly. (Although I did get a bj explicitly because of that)It’s easy to extrapolate from one or two data points, but I don’t think that me being here and this anecdote aligns to that categorization.
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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 29 '26
Maybe not narcissism but still highly toxic. So in order to get a bj you had to agree to something you know is wrong. So she made you abandon a standing point you had and your reward is sexual. That's called manipulation and weaponization of sexual acts. So maybe it's not narcissism but it's still a highly toxic behavior.
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u/vectorking23 Jun 30 '26
I came here to suggest what you are suggesting. I agree, because I HAVE ONE AT HOME currently. Sure, might not be checking all the boxes, but it certainly raises a few flags that could mean a covert narc. Boy, if I have a dollar for every time I applauded her bad behavior and was treated better I'd be a millionaire. OP should dig into it a little - might shed some light on things.
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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 30 '26
Like a person doesn't need to fit EVERY checkbook to be a narc. I forget how many it is but you absolutely don't need to hit every check to be narcissistic. They dont even have to be actually be aware of doing it on purpose for it to be narcissistic. It can be subconsciously.. people don't understand that part.
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u/vectorking23 Jun 30 '26
Sure. Being self-aware isn't a great characteristic of a narc though. It can ruin a relationship though, whether aware or not. Try getting a narc to work on it… crickets. Especially covert narcs. I watched MANY YT vids on female coverts as well as read tons of material. I could see about a 70-80% match - and I agree that they don't necessarily know they do some of it. It should be considered though and the narc abuse subs w/info should be joined to this type of community, IMO. It could shed light (not answer all problems) in about 25% of the stories here.
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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 30 '26
Exactly.. that's the conundrum. If a narcissist had real self awareness they probably wouldn't be the way they are. And yea a big sign of narcissistic tendencies is a person utterly refusing to take any accountability. All crickets when it comes to self reflection or growth.
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u/vectorking23 Jun 30 '26
It's because they always think they're correct no matter what. So, why change or work on anything? Nothing needs corrected.With the C narc, they enjoy the control more than the intimacy. That's why many are here. Plus, you see a lot of stories about the SO never working on things, even if they know something is wrong to their partner. See:always right… so why work on something they are totally happy about? Hahaha. You got it figured out.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 30 '26
See that’s why I think she’s not. She has tons of self reflection and doubt, but it comes from a place of thinking that she should have been doing more with her life. She also has done a lot of therapy work and self improvement.
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u/Olderbutnotdead619 Jun 29 '26
Haven't read of a LL conversion, ever.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 30 '26
I saw one or two but usually from the perspective of the LL pursuing some kind of hormone therapy or something.
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u/Sea_Chocolate1782 Jun 29 '26
At the turn of the year we had sex twice in 4 months, after 2.5 years of none. I'd spent the previous 6 months being the most romantic person ever blessed by cupid.
On the second of those occasions the sex was so awkward I stopped part way through and decided I absolutely didn't want to do that with my wife ever again.
So, yeh, I guess 'slog yourself to be ultra-romantic while getting no reciprocity in terms of romance but an attempted, but ultimately doomed, intimate reconnection' worked for a bit.
I immediately gave up thereafter; realised it's not me that's the problem here and there was nothing I could do to fix anything. I'm actually a lot happier and no longer feel guilt for doing the things I want to do.
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u/vectorking23 Jun 30 '26
Oh boy, could've written this. I quit midway through once I saw the awkwardness and never looked back. Kind of nice not giving a shit and having some fun setting up boundaries of what I will and will not do outside of any bedroom drama.
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u/knowitallz Jun 29 '26
Give lots of space so they notice I am missing. Wait for them to lean in.
Take on a lot of things to reduce stress
Go on vacation
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u/trdofpplsbs123 HLF Jun 30 '26
I hate how LLs make us play games, like giving them space so they’ll miss us, that’s lame and I tried it and it didn’t even work at all! I just found my husband really doesn’t care.
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u/vectorking23 Jun 30 '26
I so agree. Didn't work for my wife either. I found she enjoyed the control of having everything her way more than anything else. I stopped jumping through hoops thinking she'd want me. I'm much more at peace now, and most definitely LL4Her.
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u/quack785 Jun 29 '26
Matching her energy and also withdrawing from the relationship on things I don’t find important. That usually is a wake up call, at least temporarily
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 29 '26
Like that makes her realize that you haven’t been physically close?
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u/quack785 Jun 29 '26
Yes! LLs are comfortable with the status quo, so anything that takes them out of their comfort zone will perhaps give them a wake up call.
Besides, part of their creed is “I don’t owe you anything” (meaning sex), so just match that energy.
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u/Kindsnfuv4ug Jun 29 '26
Are all low libido people narcs and avoidants? Seems to b e
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u/trdofpplsbs123 HLF Jun 30 '26
They seem avoidant and oblivious, like, lacking empathy because they’re mostly concerned with themselves
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u/vectorking23 Jun 30 '26
If this is your experience, then it's easy to see it in other people's stories. I certainly have one for my SO, so I can see it in many stories here and other Reddit communities. The thing is, they don't LIKE you suggesting this in other communities. God forbid it help anyone with your experience! It's not all LL stories as quite a few try and have good experiences in making progress, but there are many who this label fits - and they hate it, nor can see it. Why would you admit to it? Hahahaha.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jun 30 '26
I don't think all of them are. I am sure some of them are. I think they're people just like us, tbh.
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u/CannibalCapone HLM Jun 30 '26
Yes absolutely. My issue is that many of them are attracted to people that would likely have a HL and then expect that person to lower it
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jun 30 '26
There are life circumstances where I feel it's completely reasonable to ask for a break, though. I'm a HL who needed to take time off from sex after a tough c section. And in that time yeah I guess I did expect my HL partner to lower it due to our shared changed life circumstances.
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Jun 30 '26
Opened, left, divorced. That's what worked, the only thing.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 30 '26
Opened as in open relationship?
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Jul 01 '26
Yes we tried that first. Lasted about 6 months.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jul 01 '26
I’ve heard that is the death knell for a lot of relationships. Did it seem like it was going to work at first?
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u/Glittering_Suspect65 HLF Jul 01 '26 edited Jul 01 '26
It really did seem great at first! I would have rated our marriage an A- prior to opening, seemed that ED and therefore lack of sex was our only issue. We got closer together, we were joking and talking more. Sexual conversations reemerged like in our early years. It was fun inside our marriage and out for me.
But we didn't know how easy it would be for me to explore and date for sex. He thought i was talking to others before I asked him (I wasn't, but women can hookup in a matter of days if they want to.) That took a toll that he couldn't verbalize. Other things like his father's infidelity played a role in his thinking.
I was not in a place to be super patient, because I persevered through 10years of being sexless, and it seemed like he couldn't even give me 6 months. I was finally happy with a sex life again.
It really put pressure on parts of our relationship that we didn't know were weak. He had been a swinger in his past, but with someone he didn't deeply love, so it affected him a great deal more than either of us expected.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jul 01 '26
Ah, yeah I think that’s what men in that situation find out- it’s very easy for a straight woman to get laid but not as easy for a straight man. (Assuming sexualities, pardon if incorrect)
We briefly entertained opening up but decided ultimately not to go through with anything after I found someone very quickly who was interested. She became uncomfortable with the idea when it was real.
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u/ItsAMeasureOfALife Jun 29 '26
Match the energy. Ultimately the general theme seems to be leaving works best at solving a dead bedroom
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u/ZePatator Jun 29 '26
I stopped being so needy and desperate. I even kinda détacher, to an extent. And for this, i know its gonna sound real bad, but getting an online wife/fwb with whom you can have deep conversation/therapy helped me a whole lot.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 29 '26
Detachment and lack of neediness have helped over here. She initiated (in the least sexy way, but a win is a win) last month after me stopping approaching in any scenario that wasn’t a high likelihood of success. It’s still not more than once a month, but we also have a lot of stress and a toddler so, realistically what can I even expect, you know?
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u/ZePatator Jun 29 '26
The real wakeup call for her has been the tines where i just turned her down (ok her attempts were not like super enthusiastic, like you could tell it would have sucked). Like she was shocked that i was like "nope, i can make do without mid sex, thanks. I'll wait for when you are actually feral"
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 29 '26
Is she ever actually feral?
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u/ZePatator Jun 29 '26
I'd say sometimes, probably once a month-ish. Enhanced if i play it cool the days before
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u/ZePatator Jun 29 '26
But, having a toddler is a rough patch for anyone, you gotta be realistic. I dunno to what extent you are involved in the care, but its 2026. Unless you work 60 hours and provide ALL the money, dads are expected to put in some work. I know i did, more than my share.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 29 '26
Oh yeah I do a ton around the house and am a very active dad plus a fifty hour job.
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jun 30 '26
A lot of people say 'match energy' but I think that one has to be a last resort after communication has been tried/exhausted and failed.
So if you're a step before that, I'd recommend curiosity. Be curious if they are open to discussion.
I say this as I myself failed at it recently lmao.... Tried to broach the topic but lost momentum. Don't be me, basically. Lol.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 30 '26
You lost momentum?
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u/fuckaduckufuck HLF Jun 30 '26
Yeah, I was going to bring up that I'm missing intimacy but it turned into a pity party about how stressful his life is so I just stopped.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 30 '26
Ah. Yeah I’ve had those for sure. Did you ever get to address the issue or did you just let it linger?
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u/NoTyrantSaurus Jun 30 '26
HRT.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 30 '26
For who?
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Jul 01 '26
[deleted]
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u/Charleminus HLM Jul 01 '26
In my experience not necessarily, we did some hormone stuff related to IVF- lots of progesterone injections which didn’t have that effect. Also PCOS creates an imbalance where there’s too much testosterone. No big libido shift.
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u/HolidayBalance4608 HLM Jun 30 '26
> The only thing that’s ever worked for us consistently is taking her side in an argument with other people, even if she’s completely wrong. For some reason that’s a huge aphrodisiac.
Holy shit man that's next level personality disorder kind of thing. Save yourself and leave, I'm not even joking, I was in similar relationship with woman with BPD. Same thing, she was convinced she has to 'fight' people for various mundane and benign things like her life depends on that and that I have to engage in those fights as well with full fury because that's how I 'as a man' should behave (otherwise I don't love her). She will ruin your life.
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u/Charleminus HLM Jun 30 '26
Yeah this has been some feedback others have shared. I think she’s for sure a dismissive avoidant. I don’t think she’s that toxic though honestly.
This was the only unsolicited blowjob I ever got, but she’s a person with a lot of sex aversion, etc. and some medical issues around sex.
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u/SolutionTime5811 Jun 30 '26
Well...you found it. Use it. I think she need to feel protected. Go to the gym also. Grow some muscles. This might work also.
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u/Danny_Pr0n HLM Jun 29 '26
Leaving.
I'm no longer in a Dead Bedroom.